Since house move partner's behaviour on pain meds becoming increasingly erratic trying to support him but it's becoming difficult

[Anon1996]

Hi, I'm posting this at almost 3am even though I have to get up for the school run because I'm at my wits end.

I've been with DP for three years and we live together. He is stepdad to my two DS's age 7 and 8.

Hes on the painkiller oxycontin as well as paracetamol and an anti inflammatory for what is essentially a floating kneecap and uses a walking stick on occasion. He can't walk far and if we go out somewhere he is often in huge amounts of pain if he has to walk for over 20 mins and we often have to sit down or go back to the car. He has a blue badge and works full time from home.

I knew his situation when we got together and knew he was on strong opiods- this didn't stop him being a great stepfather and partner to me. He has supported me and my children and we have had great times together.

However, each month when he gets his script he takes a few extra - its obvious he is addicted to the meds. This was never a huge issue and he admitted to me when he gets his knee replaced he will need the support of the GP to wean himself off of them.

We moved house in April after living in a horrible run down bungalow on the same street as his mother (who he lived with when we got together as a means to "save money" or so I was told). We took the place as it belonged to his mother's friend and options were limited in the pandemic. I couldn't stand the house and it was half an hour walk from the kids school ( I don't drive) and luckily my boss was understanding. My partner would do the schoolrun but would moan about the impact on his work so for arguments sake I would do it. After almost two years there I had enough. The shower didn't work, there was a constant mould problem and the landlord wouldn't sort anything that was broken such as light fittings/exposed wires etc. It wasn't safe for the kids and when the rent increased by 200 pounds I put my foot down and said I'm not paying almost a grand for a heap of shit place.

Also, despite his mum being lovely, I didn't think it was healthy to live practically on her doorstep the houses were so close she could hear our conversations in the garden.

I found a place near to the school for a similar price that had a nice garden and a friendly family neighbourhood. The kids finally have their own rooms and we have a bath which we didn't have before.

DP was v happy with it too.

Fast forward to now and since we've moved here DP's med use has increased heavily. He slurs his words, "nods out" constantly and doesn't remember half of what he's said. He gets extra meds from a woman he knows who has the same script.

We've hardly been out of the house together and spent little to no quality time together.

His behaviour has become strange and erratic and he will be hoovering or clanking about in the kitchen at 1am/2am. If I confront him about it he gets angry and acts as if I'm being unreasonable.

He shouted and swore at me the other night and can't remember it.

Every year we have a Halloween party for the kids. He left me to do all the cooking and prep myself after promising to help and drove off to get more meds mid party. I confronted him about swearing at me the night before and he got aggressive with me and said "he's not sorry because he can't remember". I then then said for the first time since we've been together I was considering leaving. He then had a breakdown where I found him passed out at the wheel of his car in his pants with his head beeping the horn. I took him inside and he started to cry and scream and said "the black cloud" was coming back. He threw lemonade all over his work computer. I tried to get through to the crisis team but was on hold. He spoke about killing himself and was slapping his own head and banging his fists on the table and crying loudly. I called his mother and she came over. By the time she arrived he was asleep.

I told her in detail the extent of his med use and showed her all the empty pill packets in his office bin. He also steals her co-codamol which she is aware of.

The next day she came and spoke to him.

She then told me "He feels the stairs have caused the issue" and he is in more pain and he "feels selfish going to the gym so he's stopped" and I need to support him going to the gym.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD and she said "I know routine isn't your thing because of your ADHD or whatever but you need to understand routine is very important to him".

I work full time in a professional job and when it comes to routine I try my best, I was a single parent for years so know how to have a routine. I used to make him a salad every single lunch and bought him a gym kit. With the meds he sits around eating ice cream all day, I was still serving him healthy home cooked meals thay I would cook for the kids. Yes I struggle with routine sometimes but I always try. She also recommended that I get a different job as he "struggles with my hours". I'm hurt by this as I've always supported him in what he wants to do and never stopped him doing anything. I'm going to be totally honest and I might come off as a bitch but I feel he's told a total sob story to his mum and she's lapped it up hook line and sinker. Am I wrong in thinking that?

Most nights he's up several times, spends hours in the bath laughing to comedy podcasts or watching grand prix clips happy as a clam. At lunchtimes he goes shopping, visits his uncle to fly drones or is cleaning the house. At the weekend his mum usually "books herself in" by cooking us dinner and we spend most of the evening there. Some days she just appears at our house unannounced.

This depression has come on very suddenly and I've spoken to him very softly and been as nice as I can, giving him space and time - encouraging self care, I've made a meal plan for him and got him a fresh new pair of gym shorts as he's put on weight and his old ones don't fit. He asked me to tell him where I feel he's been not acting himself in our relationship.

Every time I try to talk to him he turns it on me, gers aggressive and defensive or "nods off" from the drugs. He takes ages to reply, often sighing loudly, slurring his words and not making sense. So I say look let's just go to sleep and he gets angry and walks off. Next breath he's crying saying he's not good enough and scared I will leave him and talks about engagement rings.

I shield the kids from alot of it, and most of the behaviour happens at night when he takes more meds.

We never go to bed together anymore, have a decent conversation and I feel I just don't know him anymore. I'm trying so hard to support him but I don't know what to do. I'm so so tired. I can't communicate with him at all. And when we do have a breakthrough conversation it turns out he can't remember it the next day.

His mum seems to think the gym will solve it and I don't get for the life of me why she's ignoring the addiction issue? It's her son and its a powerful pain medication that could kill him. I get its hard for her to face but I thought she would care more???

My family are far away and the hours I work don't leave a lot of time for a social life so I haven't seen much of my friends lately. I just do the school run, cook the kids dinner, get them in the bath and sit with them. We went out trick or treating and they had their party and they have their clubs. Aside from that I've barely left the house as DP isn't forthcoming with any kind of plan with me - he makes plans with people who he wants to see but the most we do is watch TV together. Our sex life is non existent as the meds mean he can't do it.

I need some advice on what to do next. I feel guilty for my working hours and picking a house with stairs - his mums house had stairs and as he can do the gym and run about cleaning I didn't think the stairs would be such an issue as he mentioned at the time the house was perfect.

I overheard him telling his mother he was "In tears to the GP about the stairs" he also said he doesn't have enough money and the house move cleaned him out- which i also feel guilty for. He earns 100K a year and just before we moved bought himself a new audi and an expensive speaker system for the TV. I paid the deposit for the house as he said he was "paying for the moving van and new bed so it's only fair I pay the deposit as I wanted to move" so I paid it so he wouldn't have to be in more debt. I'm on 30K and send him half my wage each month to cover my half of the rent and bills as he's made it clear he can afford it.

I feel so bad about this house move and that its worsened his abuse of meds and made him depressed. But I knew if I didn't put my foot down we would have stayed in that manky bungalow forever two doors down from his mum. He cried the other day and said he was "devastated" I didn't like the bungalow - that it was meant to be our family home and he put his heart and soul into it.... he said I didn't make enough effort with the move and he felt he "did the heavy lifting" he said it took a long time to forgive me for that and a house move is the same as losing a loved one it's a huge life event etc

I was having a miscarriage at the time and had lost my job so I couldn't physically lift so I did small things like setting up the kitchen, decorating and unpacking boxes.

So for this move I went above and beyond and did most of the heavy lifting with my friend. All he did was set up his work office and drive the van and do the wardrobe with his dad. So i felt I had redeemed myself from letting him "move in alone" last time. It took him a year to stop talking about that before. He also complained I didn't earn enough as I was working in a care job because my profession was laying a lot of people off at that time. I started a masters alongside it and he said it was a useless bad idea. Luckily because i was a keyworker the kids went to school. I quit the masters in the end as he complained so mucb about driving to the school that as a result i was missing lectures. In 2021 I got a call from my old boss and was offered my old job back- and he asked me for more bill money. As I was earning again I felt I could finally address the issue of the house. I now just feel it was a terrible idea because of his knee and now depression.

Sorry for long post xx

wow thats a lot, for you to deal with I mean! I’ll be honest he sounds a tosser. Maybe it’s the mental health, maybe it’s the pain, maybe it’s the drugs but he sounds like a user. Giving you crap for not having done enough work moving into mankyville, whining to his mum about stairs when he goes to the gym, whining to you about money when he’s just. Bought. A. New. Audi, and earns 3x what you do. Ignore his mum. Do not compromise your job. Do not burn yourself out looking after him, noone will look after your children for you while you do this. What are your options without him? You need to know this as you can’t fix him, he has to do that. Staying in the old place was a dealbreaker so if it’s the only way he’d have stayed happy then you’re over anyway.

@deeperthanallroses thanks for your reply - my options right now are tough as the children now see him as their dad so I now have them to consider. But at the same time he isn't being much of a role model. He's the only man I've let into their lives since I became a single mum five years ago. My mother hates him but lives abroad. My father is 80 and also lives abroad 50 per cent of the time so staying with family until I get it together isn't much of an option. My credit rating is now awful as even when I was earning £60 a week soing care DP expected me to pay exactly 50 per cent of everything plus shopping. If he had to pay extra one month and I didn't pay him on time he would cry and say "he was on the phone to Amex having defaulted a payment because I didn't pay him on time". I suggested a country walk one day and he drove down a path and damaged his BMW tyres (pre new audi) he demaned I pay for the tyres as the walk was my idea. This took my into an unauthorised overdraft I wasn't able to pay off for 6 months. My credit rating plummeted from 700 to 332 and is only now at 400 I can't get loans, credit and would probably be rejected to rent a house. I'm unable to save money as most of it goes on bills and into his account despite earning quite well.
I feel my options are very limited and feel stuck. The kids are so happy with their school and I don't want to disrupt them.
I've tried so hard to talk to him but he can never accept he's done anything wrong. He's hardly ever nice anymore and has mood swings several times a day. He's snappy and irritable and then switches up and says he loves me, then he will complain i dont do enough housework and he does it all (not true he does most of the washing as every time i do it he pulls me to one side like im a kid to tell ne what ive done wrong). I'm just so drained.

You live with an addict. Your children shouldn’t have to live like this. I have no idea why you moved in with him when it meant your kids were half an hour away from school. He isn’t there dad. He is reckless and a danger as he drives under the influence and your children are growing up witnessing this man’s behaviour. So don’t use your kids as an excuse to stay .

He sounds horrendous, even without the meds. The disparity in your incomes is huge but he expects you to pay for loads but moans about not having enough money, while spending loads on himself? Sod that.

His mother (if she has to be involved), should have told him he’s a grown man and has to take responsibility for himself. It’s not your job to alter your life to get him to the gym ffs.

What are your options for leaving? His level of drug use means your life is going to be ruled by his addiction. If your kids aren’t aware now it won’t be long before they are awake late enough to witness him slurring and passing out with his pants on his head. I’d get out. He doesn’t need rescuing he needs to wake up and take responsibility for himself. His mother is just going to blame you rather than face up to the state her son is in.

You need to treat this like any addiction, the addiction always comes first.

And yes getting of pain meds is really hard - which is why it won’t happen unless he decides he wants to. I have a friend who ended up addicted to them and had to get off - did it without bringing their family down as well - always took ownership of the addiction even though it was poor prescribing that started the issue.

So he’s abusive even without the addiction? Why did you just agree to pay for his tires? You really need to work out why you’ve accepted being treated like this in a relationship before starting another one. Op your kids need you to get rid of this man!! He’s not their father thank god.

I'm so sorry that sounds like like so much to take on. I think I'd be seriously considering leaving and protecting my children.

Are you letting him drive with them in the car??

I'm not sure he's added to your life at all, he's taking away your safe space, freedom and long term security.

How do you see this working 5-10 years from now with teenagers and your life and work, can you see him in your life all fixed and happy?

You sounds lovely and very strong, I think you ultimately know what you need to do.

I wasn’t aware oxy was prescribed in the uk, my doctor and pain clinic won’t prescribe anything stronger than tramadol and morphine for my chronic pain and disabilities. He doesn’t sound like it’s a good thing for it to be prescribed!

I have been on pain medication for 15 years now, as above, and I know I’m medically dependent but I’m very careful with dosages and mental reliance. That’s all I can do…

Is he under a pain clinic? He must be for something so strong? Can you contact them?

I'd have to seriously consider leaving , this can’t be safe for your kids! He can’t drive like this either….

Also, how long has he been on oxy? It’s meant for either very short term use or use in terminal patients? I’d question where it’s coming from and if it’s being prescribed properly…

Just to add the relationship didn't start off this way at all - he was open about his med use and was in close contact with his doctor, the use has steadily spiralled out of control. The money stuff started a year after we were together and had moved in. So to answer someone's comment as to why I moved in I didn't think I was moving in with someone like that. It had been five years since I had a relationship and I was content single - I wasn't looking for a man and I got to know him slowly and organically. We were together two months before he met the kids and he was wonderful with them.
He doesn't drive them in the car anymore I walk them places. He doesn't have enough supply to be overdosed constantly so when we all go in the car I make sure it's when he's sober. I've tried sitting him down and telling him he needs help with his drug use. He's admitted it once but the rest of the time is defensive. My aunt died of alcoholism and I don't feel you should just give up on someone because they are an addict BUT and this is a huge but my kids come first and I don't want them exposed to this so if he doesn't sort himself out I will find a way to leave. During school holidays the kids spend a lot of time with my mum abroad as I can no longer afford childcare. My scope for saving and borrowing is limited which has never happened to me before even when I earned less because he expects half of my pay each month. At the last house I asked to see the bills as the amount he asked me for was so high and he showed me a fucking excel spreadsheet. I demanded to see the actual bills not a fabricated spreadsheet and he never showed me. He also has lied about getting PIP payments and has hidden all the letters which show his claim until 2025. I confronted him with one letter saying he had a back payment of £4K and he said he had to "give it back" as the claims was cancelled. Around the time he got the money is when he got himself the new car. He said if he got to keep the money he would have "used it for a ring" a few months ago we had a crisis talk where I said I wasn't happy and is temper was out of control. I've told him the kids don't deserve it. He made huge efforts to change and said he would get counselling. For a while it looked like he had made progress and we were actually happier than ever. Then it went downhill. I'm at such a loss. I've made an application to women's aid to speak about my options but my money situation is dire. My credit is so bad after the pandemic and paying for his car etc I would be turned down for a private rent. Because of my earnings I am low priority for a council house I've looked into it, it would be a year or more long wait on the list in my area. I'm trying really hard to get a driving licence so my options are more open but as money is limited I've had to declare my car as SORN as I can't afford to MOT and tax it right now. I'm not a fool and all I think of is the kids - I worked so hard to get a degree and give them a better life. I thought I had found a nice man who would love and care for us. My heart is torn to bits that I've had another failed relationship. When he acts nice it reminds me of how he used to be and gives me hope he can change. I know I'm probably being a fool. The kids think he's so fun and as he sits and watches films with them, helps them with their homework and teaches them "man stuff" they tell me how happy they are with him. I've worked hard to hide the effect of the drugs but its starting to show - which is why I've made this post. Me and the kids had a lovely little life before, I used to take them swimming every weekend, to events etc we used to co sleep when they were little and cook together and I'm just racked with guilt for how this situation has turned out.

@OzziePopPop it is prescribed in the UK but not often my stepdad is a GP and my father a retired Doctor and they both raised their eyebrows when they heard what he was on.

He was on tramadol but his uncle is on oxy and used to give him them and told him how to swindle the GP to get oxy. So he complained of being violently sick on the tradmadol and took himself to A&E enough times to be put on the oxy. He went to a private pain clinic where the consultant wrote letters stating his knee was so bad and he was at a loss. He was signed off work for depression and after all of that he got the oxy. He is also on benzos for sleep.

He gets extra from a woman who is bed bound on benefits by buying her shopping for her.

He has also got stuff off the dark Web.

The prescription is legit I've picked it up from the pharmacy for him. He renews every two weeks under the guise he has to travel for work so he has two extra sheets.

He refuses knee surgery and comes up with all the excuses under the sun. He's 37 knee surgery would change his life.

I tried to make it clear to him that even doing care looking after terminal patients I didn't see one of them on anything stronger than morphine and is he sure he should really be on it? Conversely the pain seems worse when he takes more of the meds and he's often up in the night wailing loudly and sometimes screaming. In all my time of care work I never saw someone who had chronic pain who screamed in that way.

OP, with your update you have no choice. I’m sorry, you have to leave and protect your kids.

Good luck 💐

Bin him.
He'll only drag you all down with him.

He is an addict.

He is manipulating you and his mother and doubtless your kids. That's what addicts do. The rest of the situation is just background noise.

You need to protect your kids and yourself.

Sorry but why are you with him? There is nothing in any of your posts that gives even a hint of a reason as to why you should continue being in this relationship. Get this man out of you and your children's lives as soon as possible

It’s simple, keep prioritising your relationship with an addict or you prioritise your kids and leave.

You do not seem to fully comprehend that HE IS AN ADDICT! You can not fix him.

@DahliaBlooming it's always easy to ask why are you with someone. And when I write it down like this I read it back and ask myself the same question. But when you are living it day to day quite honestly there is a part of you thay jusy switches off. I feel like I'm in survival mode. That's why I've called women's aid. A lot of the time he makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem and I really feel like I'm going crazy. He has a manner of speaking that is truly condescending and makes me feel as if he is totally correct. He's very good at guilt tripping. When he has done things for me in the past ie paid for something to be kind - my first week at this new job he forked out for a hotel in London so I wouldn't have to get the train every day. But since that gesture I've been reminded almost weekly that he's been put into more debt because of it. I'm terrified of leaving because of my dire financial situation- I genuinely don't know how I would survive money wise, and would probably have to quit my job as its not feasible as a single parent. The kids would have to move school as I wouldn't be able to afford this house. I would be rejected as a tenant because of my terrible credit. I've been building it back up again since the pandemic so I have a safety net. I can't just pack my bags and go right now even though in my heart of hearts I know its the right thing to do. I also feel guilty because he threatened suicide when I spoke of leaving last week. I'm drained and just trying to care for the kids and get through the day, I don't eat or sleep properly anymore.

Leave.
He is an addict
He is refusing surgery
You AND your children deserve better

He is not their father figure.. they don't need to be brought up by someone whose first love and first thought is drugs.

Leaving is difficult but you are damaging your children by remaining in this situation.

You rent, so just walk away

@AgentJohnson I do comprehend he is an addict..... there's no question of that. I have known many addicts through my work who are good people and who have recovered through the support of their loved ones. The issue with his addiction is that he denies it. Addiction can happen to anyone from any walk of life, especially to prescription medication. So I'm not going to judge someone for that, what I do take issue with is his denial and the impact of the side effects of the drug. He isn't taking responsibility for his addiction or making any moves to get help. If I were in a better place financially I would move out as I've made clear on these comments. The part of me that is attached to him wants to help him, get him therapy or make him go to an NA meeting. But his denial means I can not have my kids around him. As we've been together 3 years and his addiction has only worsened fairly recently I wanted to give him a chance and support him to get clean and speak to the GP. That's what you do in a relationship. But it's become toxic due to the aggression and I just can't deal with it anymore, I can't keep hiding it from the children and I don't want them to see it. But there's alot of complexity around my emotions. As I said before I'm just getting through the day. I don't feel very strong and all my energy is sapped trying to hold the household together. As I said I'm speaking to women's aid as I feel I need support in this.

Op stop thinking about what you believe you should do in a relationship and start thinking about what you need to do as a mother.

You are making excuse after excuse both for your addict partner and yourself.

Op stop thinking about what you believe you should do in a relationship and start thinking about what you need to do as a mother.

You are making excuse after excuse both for your addict partner and yourself.

This man is more than an addict, he’s a narcissistic manipulator who’s still tied to his mother’s apron strings. He is financially abusive and coercively controlling.
He treats you like shit, his mother treats you like shit. It’s lovely that despite having a knee so bad that he has PIP and a Blue badge he still manages to do a bed bound woman’s shopping - in return for taking her highly addictive pills!
Absolutely nothing good will come from staying with him. Your children are already being impacted by living with him - pretending they don’t notice is not great, you’re becoming complicit in his behaviour.
Get a plan in place now to remove yourself from this relationship. Make sure all financial things are not in joint names. Start building an escape fund. Who’s name is the house in? If it;s yours, then tell him he has to leave.
just remember, this is never going to get better!

He sounds horrific and I don't believe it's just the addiction making him treat you this terribly. I really hope women's aid are able to offer you some good support. Keep reminding yourself that you don't deserve to be treated so badly, regardless of whether it's the addiction causing it or if he's just an abusive arsehole. You and your children deserve so much better.