Hi, I'm posting this at almost 3am even though I have to get up for the school run because I'm at my wits end.
I've been with DP for three years and we live together. He is stepdad to my two DS's age 7 and 8.
Hes on the painkiller oxycontin as well as paracetamol and an anti inflammatory for what is essentially a floating kneecap and uses a walking stick on occasion. He can't walk far and if we go out somewhere he is often in huge amounts of pain if he has to walk for over 20 mins and we often have to sit down or go back to the car. He has a blue badge and works full time from home.
I knew his situation when we got together and knew he was on strong opiods- this didn't stop him being a great stepfather and partner to me. He has supported me and my children and we have had great times together.
However, each month when he gets his script he takes a few extra - its obvious he is addicted to the meds. This was never a huge issue and he admitted to me when he gets his knee replaced he will need the support of the GP to wean himself off of them.
We moved house in April after living in a horrible run down bungalow on the same street as his mother (who he lived with when we got together as a means to "save money" or so I was told). We took the place as it belonged to his mother's friend and options were limited in the pandemic. I couldn't stand the house and it was half an hour walk from the kids school ( I don't drive) and luckily my boss was understanding. My partner would do the schoolrun but would moan about the impact on his work so for arguments sake I would do it. After almost two years there I had enough. The shower didn't work, there was a constant mould problem and the landlord wouldn't sort anything that was broken such as light fittings/exposed wires etc. It wasn't safe for the kids and when the rent increased by 200 pounds I put my foot down and said I'm not paying almost a grand for a heap of shit place.
Also, despite his mum being lovely, I didn't think it was healthy to live practically on her doorstep the houses were so close she could hear our conversations in the garden.
I found a place near to the school for a similar price that had a nice garden and a friendly family neighbourhood. The kids finally have their own rooms and we have a bath which we didn't have before.
DP was v happy with it too.
Fast forward to now and since we've moved here DP's med use has increased heavily. He slurs his words, "nods out" constantly and doesn't remember half of what he's said. He gets extra meds from a woman he knows who has the same script.
We've hardly been out of the house together and spent little to no quality time together.
His behaviour has become strange and erratic and he will be hoovering or clanking about in the kitchen at 1am/2am. If I confront him about it he gets angry and acts as if I'm being unreasonable.
He shouted and swore at me the other night and can't remember it.
Every year we have a Halloween party for the kids. He left me to do all the cooking and prep myself after promising to help and drove off to get more meds mid party. I confronted him about swearing at me the night before and he got aggressive with me and said "he's not sorry because he can't remember". I then then said for the first time since we've been together I was considering leaving. He then had a breakdown where I found him passed out at the wheel of his car in his pants with his head beeping the horn. I took him inside and he started to cry and scream and said "the black cloud" was coming back. He threw lemonade all over his work computer. I tried to get through to the crisis team but was on hold. He spoke about killing himself and was slapping his own head and banging his fists on the table and crying loudly. I called his mother and she came over. By the time she arrived he was asleep.
I told her in detail the extent of his med use and showed her all the empty pill packets in his office bin. He also steals her co-codamol which she is aware of.
The next day she came and spoke to him.
She then told me "He feels the stairs have caused the issue" and he is in more pain and he "feels selfish going to the gym so he's stopped" and I need to support him going to the gym.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD and she said "I know routine isn't your thing because of your ADHD or whatever but you need to understand routine is very important to him".
I work full time in a professional job and when it comes to routine I try my best, I was a single parent for years so know how to have a routine. I used to make him a salad every single lunch and bought him a gym kit. With the meds he sits around eating ice cream all day, I was still serving him healthy home cooked meals thay I would cook for the kids. Yes I struggle with routine sometimes but I always try. She also recommended that I get a different job as he "struggles with my hours". I'm hurt by this as I've always supported him in what he wants to do and never stopped him doing anything. I'm going to be totally honest and I might come off as a bitch but I feel he's told a total sob story to his mum and she's lapped it up hook line and sinker. Am I wrong in thinking that?
Most nights he's up several times, spends hours in the bath laughing to comedy podcasts or watching grand prix clips happy as a clam. At lunchtimes he goes shopping, visits his uncle to fly drones or is cleaning the house. At the weekend his mum usually "books herself in" by cooking us dinner and we spend most of the evening there. Some days she just appears at our house unannounced.
This depression has come on very suddenly and I've spoken to him very softly and been as nice as I can, giving him space and time - encouraging self care, I've made a meal plan for him and got him a fresh new pair of gym shorts as he's put on weight and his old ones don't fit. He asked me to tell him where I feel he's been not acting himself in our relationship.
Every time I try to talk to him he turns it on me, gers aggressive and defensive or "nods off" from the drugs. He takes ages to reply, often sighing loudly, slurring his words and not making sense. So I say look let's just go to sleep and he gets angry and walks off. Next breath he's crying saying he's not good enough and scared I will leave him and talks about engagement rings.
I shield the kids from alot of it, and most of the behaviour happens at night when he takes more meds.
We never go to bed together anymore, have a decent conversation and I feel I just don't know him anymore. I'm trying so hard to support him but I don't know what to do. I'm so so tired. I can't communicate with him at all. And when we do have a breakthrough conversation it turns out he can't remember it the next day.
His mum seems to think the gym will solve it and I don't get for the life of me why she's ignoring the addiction issue? It's her son and its a powerful pain medication that could kill him. I get its hard for her to face but I thought she would care more???
My family are far away and the hours I work don't leave a lot of time for a social life so I haven't seen much of my friends lately. I just do the school run, cook the kids dinner, get them in the bath and sit with them. We went out trick or treating and they had their party and they have their clubs. Aside from that I've barely left the house as DP isn't forthcoming with any kind of plan with me - he makes plans with people who he wants to see but the most we do is watch TV together. Our sex life is non existent as the meds mean he can't do it.
I need some advice on what to do next. I feel guilty for my working hours and picking a house with stairs - his mums house had stairs and as he can do the gym and run about cleaning I didn't think the stairs would be such an issue as he mentioned at the time the house was perfect.
I overheard him telling his mother he was "In tears to the GP about the stairs" he also said he doesn't have enough money and the house move cleaned him out- which i also feel guilty for. He earns 100K a year and just before we moved bought himself a new audi and an expensive speaker system for the TV. I paid the deposit for the house as he said he was "paying for the moving van and new bed so it's only fair I pay the deposit as I wanted to move" so I paid it so he wouldn't have to be in more debt. I'm on 30K and send him half my wage each month to cover my half of the rent and bills as he's made it clear he can afford it.
I feel so bad about this house move and that its worsened his abuse of meds and made him depressed. But I knew if I didn't put my foot down we would have stayed in that manky bungalow forever two doors down from his mum. He cried the other day and said he was "devastated" I didn't like the bungalow - that it was meant to be our family home and he put his heart and soul into it.... he said I didn't make enough effort with the move and he felt he "did the heavy lifting" he said it took a long time to forgive me for that and a house move is the same as losing a loved one it's a huge life event etc
I was having a miscarriage at the time and had lost my job so I couldn't physically lift so I did small things like setting up the kitchen, decorating and unpacking boxes.
So for this move I went above and beyond and did most of the heavy lifting with my friend. All he did was set up his work office and drive the van and do the wardrobe with his dad. So i felt I had redeemed myself from letting him "move in alone" last time. It took him a year to stop talking about that before. He also complained I didn't earn enough as I was working in a care job because my profession was laying a lot of people off at that time. I started a masters alongside it and he said it was a useless bad idea. Luckily because i was a keyworker the kids went to school. I quit the masters in the end as he complained so mucb about driving to the school that as a result i was missing lectures. In 2021 I got a call from my old boss and was offered my old job back- and he asked me for more bill money. As I was earning again I felt I could finally address the issue of the house. I now just feel it was a terrible idea because of his knee and now depression.
Sorry for long post xx