Unusual situation with partners ex

[Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller]

I would really appreciate some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. Very unusually he gets on very well with his ex. I initially found this to be a positive, the relationship is clearly over but they are very fond of each other, Co-parent very closely etc.

There has been bumps in the road due to this however, things like her ringing and messaging a lot when we have been away on weekend breaks etc (nothing essential about kids). He has always been very good at listening to my concerns and has acted on it by in this example asking her to not message unless urgent when we are together. He spends a lot of time at their old home, he goes for meals, has coffees with her when he picks the children up. She talks to him about her relationships and business worries. There isn’t a day where she doesn’t feature in some way or other.

The tricky issue is that she is also very keen to be friends with me. I met her a few times before I met the children which I understood but then she would also ask for us to meet up for breakfast, to come to my house etc. An important bit of info is that she moved here when married to my boyfriend from another country (where they are both from) so she doesn’t have family here or many long term friends. She is very confident and I can’t imagine she struggles to make friends.

This weekend my boyfriend asked if I would go along to a work event she is running to make up numbers. I agreed to this. She has now asked if we will also go out for the evening for a meal as it’s her birthday. Including both sets of our children and her boyfriend.

She is nice and I appreciate her friendliness but I struggle with the expectation to spend time with her. I feel like she comes as part of the package. I know she will always be a part of his life and I respect that but I didn’t expect that she would be such a big a part of my life too. If I refuse to go then I feel like I am being mean but it all just feels a bit too enmeshed??

That’s a step too far. Keep the boundary. Say sorry, no, you’d prefer not to. And don’t offer a reason.

Thanks @Longsight2019 , I think boundaries are the thing here. And not giving a reason too. No need to explain!

You need to stick to whatever is comfortable to you so say no.

The only thing I will say is being on friendly terms is far far better than being on toxic terms. I get on really well worth my step daughters mum. I can go round for s coffee, every now and then we all go out for family meals. Her family are lovely to my dc. She recently had a baby so I bought a gift etc. But we don't speak every day and DH certainly doesn't speak to her every day so I think we have a really good balance for us all. My step daughter mainly.

This does seem quite intense so I'd step back but equally keep the 'friendliness' there if you can. No hard feelings but you just need to back off.

@bettyfreddy thank you, that is really interesting to hear. I have met up with her a few times just the two of us for a coffee which was nice. You are absolutely right that it is much better than being on bad terms.
It is just finding that happy balance (without upsetting/offending anyone in the process!)

My partners ex is the classic bitch ex. She loathes me simply for existing, its nothing personal, she loathed (probably still does) all of his ex GF's from before she even knew him for simply existing. Irony is that she is making a huge fuss about her getting married again and finally finding her dream man, so why she has a problem with me I dont know! She has been with her fiance longer than I have been with DP.

I would prefer this to what I have to deal with! That said, every single day would be a bit much. Perhaps its cultural? Obviously you havent said where she is from but perhaps that, coupled with her natural confidence and attitude to life could lead to her assuming that you would be happy with it. Would it really be so bad to have that friendship? You say "Unusually" they are friends, but it really isnt that unusual. No one splits up if they still love each other but I know more reasonably amicable break ups that later become friendly co-parents than I know of people who were at each others throats. Even when there has been cheating, once the initial anger has passed, you still have to co-parent so its easier all round to make it as easy as possible. Are you insecure and worried that as she is still a big part of his life, you have a smaller meaning to him? OR that he is still in love with her?

I wonder if your own experiences are colouring you view on this as being weird. Actually, it would be wonderful for all the children involved and make a happier life for you all long term.

As a divorced parent with a strained relationship with my exH - I’d say it’s nice when people can get along.
At 1 year mark - it does seem a little too involved. However - if you are serious about being with this guy - I think a certain level of acceptance, and thinking of it all as a one blended/extended family is going to be helpful.

So - in a situation of your BF or his ex ‘s birthday - surely their kids would like both of their parents there. And - as a partner of one of their parents - you can chose to be there or not. But if you officially become a step parent to his kids - and they are still closely co-parenting - I don’t think you would be able to be too arms length.
(I am also guessing - culturally - bf and his ex are from a culture that has closer and warmer family ties than it is customary in the U.K.)

I would’ve really appreciated this kind of scenario with my (now) ex’s ex !
But you need to set the bar here for what you find comfortable and acceptable for you. Good luck, OP.

I share a 4yo with my ex. We remain very close too. I'd like to believe we are excellent at co-parenting. We chat via Whatsapp pretty much every day (sending things we think the other would find funny etc.). Most conversation is about our daughter but often we chat about other things too. We don't really see each other much apart from to swap our daughter over but when we do the swap, we will chat and everything is very relaxed. We take our daughter to Xmas events together (just the three of us). He will sometimes do favours for me (like get things out of the attic) if my OH is away. I am pregnant with my new OH and my ex also is in a long term relationship with another woman who he lives with. I have never seen an issue with our relationship - it is purely platonic. My OH has found it difficult at times but has always accepted it (at first my ex was coming for dinner a lot and we spent a lot of time together with our daughter and my OH did find this challenging - however since my ex has been with his new woman this has faded). I think my ex's new partner finds how much we chat irritating (I imagine she is similar to you OP). However, I would be devastated if she tried to intervene and prevent the relationship we have - it is very, very important I think for our daughter to see us as a unit still (our daughter is the type to play us off against each other if she could!). However, I do think the amount of face to face contact you have with your OH's ex is perhaps a little too much... and her expectation for you to get along with her is a little odd. My ex's new partner and I very rarely come into contact with each other and I think we both prefer if that way.

Thanks everyone. I think your comments regarding culture are important. Their home country seems a lot more laid back and very a much ‘the more the merrier’ type attitude.

Also the point about perhaps it is me being insecure is a fair comment. I would say there is a bit of that going on in my head.

I think their relationship as a whole is a tricky one to deal with as she is so present, all the time! He is a very hands on Father which is great and very supportive with his ex, helps her still with some things around the house etc - all of which I think shows he is a decent man. (Or that he is still in love with her!!!) I think I also might be jealous of that as my ex is the opposite, doesn’t communicate or support financially - I have done everything alone…

Thanks for all your viewpoints - It has really helped to examine where my discomfort is coming from.

@TheBabbaCrunch thanks that is good to hear the other side. For the most part I really admire how well they co-parent and get along. I agree it is SO much better for the children.

I have never dated anyone with children before so dealing with exes is a new thing.
A recent example is this weekend was our weekend without our children, I had had a tough week with my terminally ill parent and we were relaxing in front of the fire just talking. Then she messaged about a flight she is getting at Christmas (not with children) being cancelled and our conversation stopped so he could message her about it. I am going off the topic a bit but instances like that make me feel a bit odd.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job with Co- parenting!

It sounds to me like his primary relationship and focus is with her.

You're an add on to this main relationship

He hasn't moved on.

He hasn't left his last relationship emotionally and he's unlikely to whilst with you.

This isn't because of anything wrong with you (though you've been too accommodating). I wonder how long they separated before he met you?

I suspect this is a situation that will irritate you more not less as time goes on.

She is meeting emotional needs he has that you are not and cannot while she is. You are also being asked to accommodate and give way to her needs on occasions.

The messaging in the middle of you speaking to him would piss me off but it would piss me off whoever it was to!

the wanting to be friends thing: if she wasn’t his ex and was a girlfriend of his mate or something, would you want to be friends with her?

Him cutting off when you are literally next to him to message her is not on.

I think another conversation is needed about this. Maybe frame it as a classic MN "reverse" where you ask him how he would feel if you did that to him.

If he gets it and then changes things, then all good. He may still be getting used to her not being is primary relationship and her being his first priority, it may not be because he loves her but because it is what he is used to. If he doesnt get it and wont change then.........

You need to be honest with yourself as to whether you will realistically be able to cope with their continued involvement in each others lives. If you can't then move on as it will cause you problems further down the line.
It may be genuine intentions on her part to make it easier for everyone all round and of course she's being smart by getting you onside so that she can have the easy co parenting that she's been used to. You could just bob in and out of certain occasions so that you're not completely blanking her. Its also easier for the dcs sake and maybe you'll be able to look after eacithers dcs at a later date if needed. All in all think she's just trying to make life easier.

@Pineappleskies We have had this discussion where I said I felt on the outside of their relationship and he did a lot to try and explain how things were and how he felt about me. He reasons that because they are not in their home country and have no family for helping out he feels he still has to do that for her. She does have a boyfriend however.

They have been separated for two years.

I fear you may be right that this has potential to irritate me more as time goes by.

@user1473878824 I like her and if I met her in a neutral way I would think she was fun and lively but she wouldn’t be someone I would look for a close friendship with purely because we are very different. She is quite intense and full on so nice company in small doses!

@Happyunhappy I do think she is being genuine and wants us all to get along - just a little too much for me! I think she relies heavily on him and that part of their relationship hasn’t untangled. Part of me thinks he likes that because it means he is involved more with the kids, going round there etc and also it protects against her finding it too hard and wanting to return to their home county.

…she is so present, all the time!

And herein lies the problem. They are still emotionally enmeshed and reliant. @Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller, you’ve been triangulated to enable and accommodate their codependence.

This weak boundaried dynamic is very unhealthy, and is dangerous for your self-esteem. Their connection will always sabotage the progression of your relationship.

You can try to step out of the triangle by setting stronger boundaries, but I would walk away. They need their intimacy for validation, so he’ll never be truly available to you.

weak-boundaried dynamic

Interrupting a conversation to check text messages irritates me no matter who does it. I think it’s impolite. But, many people do it so maybe I just need to get with the times.

When your DH does stuff like that maybe express how you feel about it without making it about the ex. It’s good to have healthy boundaries and good communication.

Though, healthy boundaries does go both ways. He’s allowed to have his boundaries just as much as you do. 😊

@Cococlo, you must be stunned beyond belief. If you scroll up to the ‘Start New Thread’ button, you can begin your own thread and receive support.

I am watching this with interest as my boyfriend has a similar dynamic with his ex, I think for similar reasons, and it is making it hard for me in the same way