Unusual situation with partners ex

[Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller]

I would really appreciate some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. Very unusually he gets on very well with his ex. I initially found this to be a positive, the relationship is clearly over but they are very fond of each other, Co-parent very closely etc.

There has been bumps in the road due to this however, things like her ringing and messaging a lot when we have been away on weekend breaks etc (nothing essential about kids). He has always been very good at listening to my concerns and has acted on it by in this example asking her to not message unless urgent when we are together. He spends a lot of time at their old home, he goes for meals, has coffees with her when he picks the children up. She talks to him about her relationships and business worries. There isn’t a day where she doesn’t feature in some way or other.

The tricky issue is that she is also very keen to be friends with me. I met her a few times before I met the children which I understood but then she would also ask for us to meet up for breakfast, to come to my house etc. An important bit of info is that she moved here when married to my boyfriend from another country (where they are both from) so she doesn’t have family here or many long term friends. She is very confident and I can’t imagine she struggles to make friends.

This weekend my boyfriend asked if I would go along to a work event she is running to make up numbers. I agreed to this. She has now asked if we will also go out for the evening for a meal as it’s her birthday. Including both sets of our children and her boyfriend.

She is nice and I appreciate her friendliness but I struggle with the expectation to spend time with her. I feel like she comes as part of the package. I know she will always be a part of his life and I respect that but I didn’t expect that she would be such a big a part of my life too. If I refuse to go then I feel like I am being mean but it all just feels a bit too enmeshed??

I may do this birthday dinner if you bf has accepted, since the ex sounds nice enough, but I think next time you and your bf should "already have plans" or some other polite excuse.

Op in one of your posts you said that you know she'll be part of his life forever. That isn't usually the case for divorced parents (none of those I know anyway). Once the children are late teens the parents don't need regular contact - unless there's a serious health issue for example. Once they are young adults, the only time they see the ex is at graduations, weddings and christenings.

It's great to still be friends, certainly, but it certainly isn't 'normal' to remain enmeshed or in regular contact once the children have grown. I'm not saying that they would be doing anything wrong by remaining friends when the children are adults, of course. But also don't let him convince you that their closeness is normal and that it would be normal for it to continue through life.

I think this should guide your relationship with her. Enjoy her for who she is and what you like about being in her company. Set boundaries so that you only have to experience this in small doses.

The fact that she's your partner's ex may be a red herring. I know people like this (not DP's exes) and I do genuinely enjoy their company but only in small doses. Every so often I'll make plans with them, invite them over etc, but absolutely not every time, and I'm not above using vague "sorry can't make that date, busy with work" excuses.

I'd probably go to her birthday meal. You'll get to meet her bf so it won't just be about her. And I'd embrace the idea of being her friend. But I'd also tell my partner that this was a small-doses friendship for me, I'd wriggle out of the more casual meetups if they get too frequent and I'd expect him to back me up on that.

You don't have to be friends with her.

asking her to not message unless urgent when we are together this is silly though. How will she know when you're together. he is control of how often he replies to his own phone.

@gannett Thanks, great advice. He does need to back me up (and has promised he will) so I don’t look like the one always saying no. She is lovely in small doses and I don’t want to be mean.

@pastabakeonaplate She knows when he is with me because she knows his every move!!

I mean times like when we had our first weekend away together and she was sending constant selfies with the kids. As in her the main face in photo with kids playing/watching tv in the background. He left his phone in the room when we went out for dinner and there was 30 messages/photos when we got back. I think she hasn’t quite got used to not sharing all her life with him, as you do in a relationship. She has improved since he spoke to her.

I think it is nice that adults are behaving like adults in this instance and that is refreshing and sensible since children are involved.

Boundaries need to be put into place so your personal space is not completely taken over by this woman, nice as she may be she does not seem to think there is a problem with her calling at any time; your man also needs to realise this and also create some boundaries where there are none.

@layladomino - Absolutely, that is just how I am with my ex - our paths cross at big birthdays, occasional nice (platonic) comments on social media, calls regarding uni fees etc. However, I just get the hunch she will be much more present. I just need to work out how to handle it! I think by setting boundaries behind the scenes with my BF and joining occasional get togethers to show willing.

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas It is nice in many ways, a positive for him that he is so respectful with her. And SO much nicer than battling with an unhappy ex.

You are right, it is for him to manage her really. He can’t play the ‘stuck in the middle’ card. I really have made an effort with her but it just feels a bit too much now. Part of me feels sorry for her, not having family here etc and I am happy to help in that regard if she is stuck for childcare etc when he is at work but it’s the regular socialising I struggle with.

@gemsandmilk It is tricky to deal with isn’t it!

She isn’t doing anything wrong.
Your boyfriend isn’t doing anything wrong, he isn’t still shagging her or disrespecting you, he has kids and she is their mother.

You might see it that she is paying you a compliment really.

There is no intrinsic reason for exes to be iced out, is there?

What if she was his best male friend? Or his sister? With the same dynamic.

@SuperCamp She isn’t being iced out! I do see her, I am concerned about the level of how much I am expected to socialise with her. There is definitely an issue of enmeshment that isn’t healthy - or rather not healthy when also wanting a serious relationship with someone else.

If it was a family member or friend I would still find it too intense. Because it involves me and my time. I don’t have time to see my own friends/family as much as I would like. As I said before I like her, I respect her - no icing out here!

Why did they split up? (Assuming they actually have!)

@altmember They were together 13 years. They started to be more like friends about 5 years ago. They split/separated just before the start of covid but he didn’t move out until just before I met him (just over a year ago) because of delayed house purchases. She instigated the split but it was mutual essentially. Nothing major as far as I have been told, just a gradual falling out of love.

I was going to comment in her defence a little until I read this part!

I have a good relationship with my ex and father of my dc. I haven't always, and it has taken a LOT of hard work on my part to get to where we are following him throwing a grenade into our marriage and family by having an affair.

However, once he and the OW inevitably split up, things got easier bit by bit. In the 5 years we have been separated and now divorced, we have been out together for our dc's birthdays, many school/hobby related events and he even came here for easter sunday over lockdown while my partner was temporarily living with us and we all had dinner together.

With the above exception of that event, most of the things we do together with the dc are just the 4 of us and neither my partner or his (when he had one) have been involved as we just wouldn't expect them to be and I do think it would change the dynamic.

We will message fairly often - almost always about the dc but sometimes the odd thing we think the other will like/appreciate (eg something about mutual friends). We have almost 30 years of history.

I think my partner of 3 years sometimes finds it hard to get his head around as he is completely no contact with his ex but he ultimately understands that my ex hurt me very much and where we are now is very much for the best interests of our dc. I would lose him before the good relationship with my ex because ultimately, that's the relationship that matters the most to my children. I don't think I would ever be put in that position though.

So yeah, I think the things that are for the dc - all good. All the messaging sounds too much though and it's having an impact on your relationship so he needs to be aware of this. You're not asking him to stop being friends with her but I don't even message my dp that much!

I don't think you need to be as involved either. I am assuming you have your own friends you would like to spend time with? I think the fact that they want you involved is a good sign that there is nothing to worry about but separating your life from someone else when they have been so entwined for so long is really difficult. I still go to message my ex when certain things happen and have to stop myself. I do stop myself though and she needs to too.

He's still in love with her and she likes the attention. It ain't just about the kids. I'd leave them all to it

It's a power dynamic - she initiated the split but she still wants to feel like she is "top dog" in his life even though she has a new man. She keeps him very close and is bringing you in as a "friend." If you are all friends, how could you object to her speaking with him, how can you be jealous when she is only being nice etc.

I was going to write a more defensive ( for her) post but sending 30 photos of herself on your first weekend away together is out of order - a real power play.

You need to asess if it will make you feel too insecure in the RL. I can see your BF pov that he gets to see more of his DC if he spends more time with her and that she is less likely to leave the country with the DC if she feels unsupported . that must be tough but it does feel like a complex triangle to be in.

Hi OP so in my situation I weigh up how would I feel to be without him: I’d be gutted. I really love my DP and would rather have him half-complicatedly than not at all. I don’t always feel like that though. It is annoying. Dating post- kids is not the same at all as pre.

@gemsandmilk I hear you! I keep asking myself that too. He is great in every other way.

There will be someone great for you in every way. Don't settle.

@SapatSea That’s interesting, I hadn’t thought about that in terms of power and bringing me in as a friend. I do see all sides in this really which is why it is tricky.

@pastabakeonaplate Thank you, I did always promise myself after two horrible relationships I would never settle. Just sucks this one is really nice other than this issue. You are right.

I have a great relationship with one of my exes (together seven years until we split because he fancied someone else).

Almost nothing unites us now, five years later. Still, we whatsapp almost daily sometimes, sometimes one day a week. Sometimes he doesn’t answer for a couple days, sometimes I don’t, but that’s fine. He asks me about my day and we talk about what’s on the news that interests us both. But I never send him pictures of myself, that would be really odd.

Now I think that might bother any new girlfriend a lot! My own boyfriend doesn’t mind. Still, anything more intense than that would definitely bother him.

I get with children it’s different but even I agree there’s stuff you said that it’s too much