Wedding band as engagement ring.

[msw1e16]

Hi my partner proposed to me with a wedding band rather then an engagement ring. He wanted it to go with a ring I had from my grandmother.
I love the ring, I am worried what others will think ( not that this should really matter)
Also we spoke about not wanting a wedding, he knew thus before asking me, as we said we would rather spend that money if we were lucky enough to have a family soon.

As well as worried that I didn't get a traditional engagement ring I'm worried that my partner spent money on a ring we could have used for savings of we aren't planning to have a wedding.

One day we may have a very simple wedding as i would love to have the same last name as my partner.

My partner is planning /wanting a ring himself to wear which I thought was incredibly sweet and romantic.

Please just ease my worries about the mo ey spent and the type of ring he used

Non if your reasoning makes sense to me
I don’t understand why you get engaged if you only may have a wedding one day.
getting engaged isn’t just the next step of commitment, it’s getting engaged to be married

im not sure what you are engaged to do, if it’s not to get married. Or what the engagement means?

I don’t think this is a ring issue, and I don’t know why you need us to justify the cost of a ring, with no idea on your finances
but if you like it who cares what anyone else thinks
However it’s odd you don’t know the cost of rings, and know that wedding bands are cheaper. And it’s odd that you’re going to buy him a ring too so you’ll be giving the impression of being married but you won’t have the protections or securities of marriage and you won’t have actually made any legal commitment to each other

you only mention being married for the name, but you can just change your name for free if that’s all you want. Again I’m not sure why you don’t know this, it feels like you’ve made lots of decisions and assumptions without even a seconds research.

and you’re saying you cant get married because you want to save the money, but If you actually want to be married you can do so for about £50, which I imagine is cheaper than the rings. You don’t need a ring to be married, but you do need the ceremony, so again a weird choice if all you care about is being married.

I hate claw type rings as I find they get caught in everything. So I chose the rings I wanted.

I also had a kid before getting married - BUT - I continued to work full time, we pooled all our money even when I was on SMP, and I was ALWAYS aware that there was nothing legal between us other than him paying child maintenance should we split so I made sure that if that unlikely scenario was to happen, I was working full time in secure employment and could afford to rent elsewhere and not be fucked if the rug got pulled out from under me.

So yeah, fine if you want to play dress up with a ring and call each other wife/husband. It's bullshit really but what's more important is that you always remember he's NOT your husband and he could walk out the door tomorrow so make sure your name is on any joint assets like a house, any lump sum you paid is ring-fenced to return to you in the event of a split, and that your savings are YOUR savings alone and he's got no access to them. In addition, even when having children, return to work full time and ensure that he takes on 50% of the household responsibilities and parenting responsibilities. When you've that in place you can call each other whatever you like and wear whatever jewellery you like.

think one day we may have a ceremony then a simple celebration but at the moment we are both happy and are both ready for the next stage

@msw1e16 The next stage would be marriage, though.

A friend of mine (deliberately?) had a child with her live in boyfriend without getting married. It ended badly. For instance, he completely opted out of family life and started being out all the time- pub, gym, etc.

Marriage can't harm, only help, in having men be more aware of the commitment their making and the responsibilities they're taking on to their wife and potential future family.

Which isn't to say there aren't many married men who barely parent/adult, but marriage can't hurt in boosting their level of commitment towards it all.

Despite the overall sense of confusion you seem to be happy enough about the arrangement, whatever that might be, so not sure what the problem is.

Had a conversation with my partner.
I belive we are both on the same page. We are in no rush to get married but do both want to, for the right reasons not just because of finances ect we want to have a marriage and for us to be family. Perhaps we're in no rush at the moment because we want to have the option of having a nice traditional wedding and at the moment that is just not in our budget although we are happily saving at the same time.

For us being married is necessary and nissarity as we already know that we love each other and want to share the rest of our life together and so being married is something that we do want to do just not set a date yet.

To add more context we actually decided together a while back that we wanted to get married but my partner still wanted to propose.

Even if we wait a few years to set a date then I am happy as I know we are both on the same page.
I know plenty of people who have had children ect without being married and who have brought a house and been on maternity leave. I don't understand why that has to do with marriage if you can work out how much each person has put into things if they were to split

We are in no rush to get married but do both want to, for the right reasons

For us being married is necessary

These statements don’t go together. If you think being married is a necessity, then you get married.

If you’re in no rush but have vague aspirations towards it, then don’t get engaged at all.

Perhaps we're in no rush at the moment because we want to have the option of having a nice traditional wedding and at the moment that is just not in our budget although we are happily saving at the same time.

So all the stuff about how you don’t want a wedding in your OP isn’t even true. You want to have a big wedding in the future but can’t afford to now.

If being married was a necessity and driven by ‘the right reasons’, then there is absolutely no reason why you can’t do the basic registry office thing with a couple
of witnesses now and then save to have the big ‘traditional’ celebration in the future.

Have a stunt ceremony/renewal of vows as part of that rather than cosplaying at being married until you can do the big, white wedding.

“I don't understand why that has to do with marriage if you can work out how much each person has put into things if they were to split”

You’re assuming you can work something out when your relationship has broken down enough for you to part.

And you’re right - if parties part completely amicably and both are willing to be reasonable then it doesn’t matter.

The legal protection matters if that doesn’t happen - if one partner has taken a huge financial hit (eg by being a SAHP) and the other refuses to recognise it. There are countless posts on here from women who didn’t recognise the cold, hard, detached person their partner became after they split. Who ended up having pitched battles they never saw coming. It’d be great if everyone behaved terribly well and reasonably when they’re splitting up but they don’t. That’s when the legal protection of marriage is important.

You want a big wedding you want a small wedding.

You want to get married but there is no point in getting married.

You want to get married for the right reasons but those reasons are love and you are already in love so there is no need to get married.

You don't understand why people don't just sort their finances out when they split up? Haven't you ever experienced people splitting up and not staying friends?

I know plenty of people who have had children ect without being married and who have brought a house and been on maternity leave. I don't understand why that has to do with marriage if you can work out how much each person has put into things if they were to split

Stick around this board so.

It's fucking littered with women who trusted him and waited for the big wedding, who've poured their savings into a house soley in his name because of [reasons],

Who've gone part time or full stay at home when the kids start arriving and then find out he's having an affair and that she's got zero job, zero savings, and homeless because the house legally belongs entirely to him. And she's on here in bits trying to scrabble for benefit entitlements, find out about food banks, and find some shitty rental for her and the kids while her ex is all over Instagram with his new woman in the Maldives.

You clearly don't understand what marriage means, and you absolutely should before making a decision like this.

It's not about having the same name and it's sure as hell "not just a bit of paper". It is an important legal contract.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Fo you know any who split up in those circumstances, only to find that despite giving up their earning prospects to look after his children they have no rights whatsoever to any of his pension/savings/house or any income other than to support DC?

At the very least you need to understand what you're getting into.

OP please listen to what is being said - do not enter in to a mortgage, or children without protecting yourself legally. The easiest way to do that is marriage (the ceremony, dress, rings etc are fluff. The legal certificate is the important bit). No legal marriage should equal no children or mortgage.

In my daughter's case it was the difference between child maintenance versus child maintenance, £120,000 share of the property equity and a share of a pension. That's not nothing. Marriage is never "just a piece of paper".

Mate, just get married at the registry office. There's no point pretending you do and you don't want to. If you do, at any point, want to get married, just do it now. Have a big party for your 25th anniversary.

Nobody thinks a wedding or being married is just a bunch of fluff. It's about financially and legally protecting yourself and any children.

Are you struggling financially? Or you kind of half heartily committed to each other? I don't see the reason why someone would deprive themselves from once in a lifetime moments, such as a proper engagement ring (which you then pass onto generations) and telling each other vows, committing to each other. Unless you feel in your bones it won't last. I'm not a fan of huge weddings, but I would want to have ceremony (even if in registry office) and say these vows to each other, because it is essentially the most important part of the wedding.

I wouldn't want to have different surname from the rest of the family, or I'd insist to give my child my own surname, if he insists to not get married. And if I'm sacrificing myself to give a birth, I would expect a massive respect from my partner/husband. Why should I bare a child, go through all the pain and then have him/her go in fathers surname? You now saying you will spend all the saved money and energy to raise a family, is he going to bare same weight? Don't you want to be treated more special before you put yourself through a lot?

I'm very independent/career woman, but when it comes to weddings and child bearing, the man has to do a bit more than just sperm donation. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but some woman give their men way too easy ride, to a point where it expected for you to want very little, despite of doing a lot at home and supporting financially. And then we wonder why men have so little respect for women.

don't see the reason why someone would deprive themselves from once in a lifetime moments, such as a proper engagement ring (which you then pass onto generations)
Or sell when you get divorced and have another once in a lifetime engagement ring with the next guy.

Haha personally, I was never in a rush to get married, hence now doing it in my mid 30s. Having a husband and children was never be and end all for me, so this marriage will definitely be first and last one for me.

I was going to say exactly this picklemewalnuts. Don't think of children until you are financially able to support yourself, and them - just in case. As far as the engagement ring is concerned, I never had an engagement ring until our 7th wedding anniversary :) We just couldn't afford it - we just saved hard, got married, and I got my engagement ring for my 7th wedding anniversary present. I bought my husband a wedding ring for his 40th birthday present - he was 28 when we married :) The ring really doesn't matter, but your financial security does.

You’re incredibly naive. How can you say marriage before children isn’t important, when you seem completely ignorant of the security it gives?

Please listen to the advice given here - do not have children before you get married. You clearly have no idea what you are talking about and I very much fear that in 5 years' time you will be one of those sad women who are left holding the children and worrying about how you will meet ends meet because he has got bored with family life and waltzes off into the sunset owing you nothing but minimum child maintenance. As for "you can work out how much each person as put into things" - the innocence of that beggars belief