Wedding band as engagement ring.

[msw1e16]

Hi my partner proposed to me with a wedding band rather then an engagement ring. He wanted it to go with a ring I had from my grandmother.
I love the ring, I am worried what others will think ( not that this should really matter)
Also we spoke about not wanting a wedding, he knew thus before asking me, as we said we would rather spend that money if we were lucky enough to have a family soon.

As well as worried that I didn't get a traditional engagement ring I'm worried that my partner spent money on a ring we could have used for savings of we aren't planning to have a wedding.

One day we may have a very simple wedding as i would love to have the same last name as my partner.

My partner is planning /wanting a ring himself to wear which I thought was incredibly sweet and romantic.

Please just ease my worries about the mo ey spent and the type of ring he used

My engagement ring looks like a wedding ring - plain platinum with ten tiny diamonds spaced around it. No one ever commented other than my mother who said it 'wasn't a proper engagement ring'. But she was born in 1925 and had different tastes. My actual wedding ring is exactly the same without the tiny diamonds. Together they look great and suit me.
As fir him spending the money - well he doesn't have to buy another and just treat it like a 'commitment' ring if you don't actually make it legal.

I never had an engagement ring because my ex DH was broke. Instead we jointly paid for wedding bands and mine had a diamond embedded in it. I loved the ring and still do - just not the man involved!

I wouldn't care what other people think. Unless they are very petty and nosey they won't care at all. It sounds like you're happy and that's what matters.

This, Absolutely, this.

Please don't be one of those tragic women on here who find themselves between a rock and a hard place in a few years time with no claim on anything, because they were all loved up and thought marriage was just a piece of paper. Do not leave yourself and your future children vulnerable. If you won't protect yourself, please do it for them.

Book a registry office wedding. It will be cheap and you can just go after work or on the way home from Tesco.

It's the being married part that matters, I don't think I could say which of my friends wears a wedding and or engagement ring. People show you their rings when they get married or when they get engaged but after that nobody mentions them.

I’d be more concerned that you seem to be planning to start a family without the safety her of being married and the fact your partner proposed with no intention of marrying you anytime soon. It costs around £50 to get married in a registry office. If you’re not planning on having an actual wedding when you do finally get married why not simply do it now?

Engagement rings were thought up by diamond companies to try and make more money so don't worry about the there is nothing "traditional" about them. We just had a wedding band each, no engagement ring. Honestly no one will notice or care. As PPs have said, simply get a cheap registry office wedding with a couple of witnesses, then you a officially married without the fuss and expense, and you are protected for the future.

Agreeing with the above. Your posts aren't very clear but really think carefully about starting a family without the legal protection of marriage, unless you already have your finances well sorted.

The rings don't matter.

If you are saying that you are going to have the legal ceremony of marriage but without the big expensive "day", then apologies for misunderstanding you and crack on!!

You don’t get a marriage without an actually wedding ceremony.

You don’t have to have a big party or make a huge fuss. But without the legal paperwork it’s not a marriage.

Ironically, what you have is all show. He’s given you a wedding ring. He wants to wear one too. But without getting married.

Next thing you’ll be changing your name by deed poll. And still there’ll be no wedding ceremony.

It sounds like he’s convinced you that it’s frivolous to actually get married and to settle for the appearance of having done so. With none of the legal implications.

Are you sure he ‘loves the idea of marriage’?

To those saying "just get married in a registry office" - yes, that's good advice, but I will be astonished if the op's partner agrees to that. I think the op knows it too. Looks like a pretend marriage is all she's going to get and she needs to think about her future on that basis.

Don’t start a family before you’re married. You will likely end up putting yourself in a very financially precarious position.

Marriage is a lot more than a ring and the same name. Have a look at the legal implications of marriage and decide if that's what you want/need before/after you have children.

Our wedding cost £79 as we wanted the legal side of things without the celebrations.

I’ve never understood getting engaged if no current plans to get married. There is no legal implications of being engaged.

I think the type of ring is unimportant and I don’t recall ever giving a moments thought to somebody else’s ring situation.

But what I really do not understand about this scenario is why you have a ring at all when there seems no real intention to get married. It feels like you are planning to swap rings whilst skipping the actual marriage part. And whilst I have never given thought to anybody else’s choice of ring, I cannnot understand why somebody wears an engagement ring of any sort for years on end without ever getting married.

Getting married is cheap, far cheaper than starting a family. I don’t know why you wouldn’t make this very small investment first.

“Your posts aren't very clear but really think carefully about starting a family without the legal protection of marriage, unless you already have your finances well sorted.

The rings don't matter.

If you are saying that you are going to have the legal ceremony of marriage but without the big expensive "day", then apologies for misunderstanding you and crack on!!”

This.

Different states have different rules so you should find out what the rules are where you live but in England there is currently no legal protection for people who cohabit but aren’t married.

So if you give up work to be a SAHM and the relationship ends, he would have no obligation to pay you maintenance and you would have no legal claim to a share of his assets, his pension or the family home (unless you had materially contributed to the cost or value of the home). He would be obliged to pay maintenance for the children unless care is shared 50/50, but that’s it.

There are regular posts on here from unmarried women who have been SAHMs for 10/20 years, earned nothing and whose relationships are now breaking down. They are shocked to discover (if in England) that they are entitled to nothing except financial support for the children and have unintentionally made themselves very vulnerable.

Like other PPs, I think there’s nothing wrong with a wedding ring per se - my concern would be that you have the show of being married without actually being married.

To those saying "just get married in a registry office" - yes, that's good advice, but I will be astonished if the op's partner agrees to that.

I know, that's why I said it really. There will be 'no point and talk of how it's 'just a bit of paper'. I know someone who got married in their lunch hour because they were having a great big religious wedding and wanted to be legally married first.

Even if you don’t become an SAHM, you’re still more likely to take a career and wage hit than him through becoming a parent. You need to consider all this.

@toomuchlaundry

I’ve never understood getting engaged if no current plans to get married. There is no legal implications of being engaged.

I totally agree.

It's just a nonsense to me.
You hear people engaged and when you ask when they're getting married, they say no plans to get married yet.

If you're not going to be legally married in the near future, you aren't actually engaged, so whatever ring you wear is irrelevant.

Really think about your vulnerability before having a child in an unmarried relationship.

Isn’t it amazing how the idea that it’s frivolous and superficial to want a wedding (of any description) is so often used to justify an entirely frivolous and superficial ‘engagement’?

This man has even ‘proposed’ (not getting married) with a wedding ring. And wants to wear a ring himself.

It’s basically all decorative - with none of the meaningful legal bit underneath.

For all the rhetoric about weddings being somehow distasteful and all for show, these engagements-for-their-own-sake more spectacularly undermine the idea that the marriage bit is all that matters.

Those people spending many thousands on a big party actually do the getting married bit.

People who ‘love the idea of marriage’ get married. They don’t put on bits of marriage related costume and pretend.

Completely agree with Sudocrem with It’s basically all decorative - with none of the meaningful legal bit underneath

Another one saying get married before you have children and before you buy a house which is classed as the martial home only if you are married. I have been on MN far too long to see this promise of marriage never happen only then for the woman in the relationship to get screwed over. 8 years is a long time to be in a relationship so unless you were very young when you met why are you not just booking a registry office wedding now? You can organise a party later.

Have you talked through the impact of having a child on your career, future prospects etc? Are you thinking you will return to work full time after the child is born? Have you looked into the eye watering cost of childcare (there was a thread on here very recently about it, roughly £1k per month) have you discussed who will take time off work when the child is too sick for nursery/childcare? How will you fund your maternity leave? Will the child be given your surname? Are you wanting to keep your name when married? All these things have to be talked about.

I agree the wedding ring could be seen as a stealth move, look like you are married but you are not. You do not have the legal protection that comes with it.

Why are you financially unaware as to how inexpensive bands are vs the cost of a home?
a band including full on diamond eternity type rings are a fraction of what home ownership costs.
I too would assume your married, sadly like others it sounds like a scam which will leave you vulnerable.

Came on to say this.
There are always people posting on here about getting engaged, buying a house and having children with partners who never seem to get to the marriage bit. Be careful Op. If you decide to do things this way that's up to you but don't ever give up your job.

I have never had an engagement ring, I think they are pointless, when someone English asked I told them so and that I would rather spend the money on rent. But any kind of ring is pointless if you do not go through the marriage bit. The rings could be cheerios if needed. I would not start a family without legal marriage.

This sounds like a giant con.

So you'll both be walking around wearing wedding rings but not actually be married or even engaged? Why?

From your posts I don't think even you know what's happening or why - or even what you want tbh.

As well as all the other warnings have a think about what happens if your child needs medical treatment?

I know of one couple who only got married because when their baby was born he was sadly quite sick, he spent a few weeks in NICU.

Because the parents were not married only the mother could give consent to any treatment. It was really awful for them both.