How do you tell Husband you want to leave?

[Menominnie]

Hi all, I've been reading a few posts in past few days regarding leaving husband.
My situation is we have 2 children over 18 both In full time work.
I have reached an age where I no longer want to be with husband after being together over 25 years. If I'm honest I've been unhappy for years but stuck with it for sake of kids. I now want to think of myself and really see myself enjoying a single life and free to do my own thing and answer to no one.
Ideally I would be happy to sell the house and split the equity. Pretty certain kids would split their time between both of us so would each buy/mortgage another house. I'm not interested in claiming any of his pension. I just want an easy split to move on with my life. He will be absolutely distraught over it but I need to think of me now.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I have, I’ve recently come out of a 30 year marriage for much the same reasons by the sound of it - nothing terribly wrong, but no connection, he’d withdrawn emotionally and physically and after many attempts nothing had really changed.

Things I found helped were being clear that I was done and wanted out, really working to be fair financially - I wasn’t financially dependent on him which made it easier to negotiate. Giving him time - it took 8 months from the first conversation to him moving out but it gave him time to process things. Being intentionally kind, knowing I’d pulled the rug out and not wanting to hurt him (but knowing I had) made it easier to be patient, to try and meet him in the middle.

We’re amicable, cooperative with each other around the kids and honestly trying to make the adjustment to co-parenting. It’s very hard and my patience wore thin a few times but if I had my time again I’d do it the same way, just maybe a bit sooner.

Sit him down when you won’t be interrupted. Be honest, direct and serious. Explain how you feel, show consideration for his feelings, but don’t fail to get your message across. Allow him time to process but then start making your arrangements.

Thank you both. I'm just worried I'll cave. I know he will be devastated.
I've spent years thinking of everyone's feelings but not sure I'm brave enough to now think or mine. It would be so much easier if I hated his guts but I don't.

I relate to your post OP and wonder if u think you will miss him? After 30-years it’s comfortable territory - does it worry you at all that you might regret it?

If the situation were the other way around, what would you want him to do?

Thank you for your responses. I am menopausal. Confirmed by doc last week. She has asked me to not do anything rash and will be starting Me on HRT. I wonder will this have any impact?

I would love to know how you get on as I am in a similar boat (how to raise the issue kindly)

Menopause can really change your mindset. It can give you more impetus to realise its better to live your life on your own terms, instead of muddling along in misery.

One way might be to ask for relationship counselling, it brings up the fact that you are unhappy with how things are into the conversation, and go from there.

I think menopause is a great awakening for many women. You realise you're not willing to ignore your own needs anymore, and you're unwilling to stay in an unsatisfying relationship.

Andropause or menopause, life is short. Better to say it than not, it might be a massive relief, as it was to me and my wife. Absolutely devastating short term, but better in the long term.

I agree with all of the above. I had a conversation with him at the weekend and told him I felt like I wanted to move into a little flat on my own. He was more than understanding and said he knows I'm going through a tough time and he's here to help me through it. I was expecting him to be angry and say what about me. I think he may be in denial and is hoping the HRT will solve my feelings. At this moment in time I really am seeing myself on my own, doing my own thing and loving life. I want to be me again after all this time looking after a husband and kids. Sounds very selfish doesn't it?

Not selfish to want to have your own needs and ambitions met. Good luck to you, go for it!

@Menominnie sounds like he knew this was on the cards anyway but would at least like to stay friends

I'm unable to start HRT atm. I have to wait for a scan. I could poss be looking at 3 months before I start them then 3 months for them to kick in. I'm not sure I want to wait this long but feel I owe it to him after this many years together.
I do wonder has anyone had any regrets leaving a fairly OK marriage? I do have that thought in my mind. Would I regret this years down the line?

Why not see if you can rent a little place and try living apart together…something like that. Maybe some space of your own would help reignite a spark for each other. You don’t sound like you have a mad marriage, but you do need a change.

Thank you. I'm thinking of moving in with my mum and dad for a while. I just feel so guilty. I mean is there ever a right time to do it?

Wait until you’ve got the HRT. If it’s your body that’s making you miserable and not your marriage then leaving will be a mistake. I would pause until sure it’s him and not hormones.

Hmmmm- this is how it looks from here. Moving in with ur mum and dad isn’t really what you’re saying you want - if you want to be on your own be on your own: if you want to leave ur husband then move in with ur parents. I think you should go away for a week and think.

Just do it, OP. When you said the little flat and he was kind… do you think there’s any chance he thinks you won’t do it and if he says things like “I’m here to support you” you’ll be placated and then he can go back to whatever he’s doing? That’s what it read like to me.

Yes, I'm in that situation now.

I haven't been happy for about 6-7 years, but I'm struggling to even vocalise to him how I feel. I'm the world's worst communicator and I feel like if I say something I can't take back, that's definitely the end.

I'm still not sure if I can face a split and all the trauma that goes with it, as we get along ok and don't argue often. I guess we just live as friends, there's no intimacy anymore (down to him) and everything he does seems to annoy me. I do know that if money was no object and we could afford two decent sized houses (I still want the adult dc to be able to come and stay) that's what I would want to do.

As it is we would have to spend months sorting the family home and selling, finding and furnishing a new home, and I would struggle financially as he's the much higher earner. Since I have no interest in finding a new relationship I lean towards just carrying on as we are, living comfortably as housemates. Some days though, I just really want to live alone.

Leave, just leave.
If there's not enough investment in the common bank between you, and a genuine recognition of responsibility to repair...
Look up ~rupture and repair~

Please don't say that you don't want an equal split of money. You will be facing a very long and hard retirement otherwise.

I haven't been in your position but I do have a few relevant thoughts:
Whether or not you regret something depends on what happens after that. At times you will regret it. I regretted leaving an ex for a bit afterwards because I realised I didn't have many friends outside his group. However if things turn out as you wish you won't overall. Write down what you want - you left him for a good reason - so work towards your goals.

Sometimes you'll struggle to know how to say things to him. Write down, journal and prepare do you don't go off on a tangent you regret.

There's nothing wrong with thinking of yourself. Women are taught to please everyone else. But there reaches a point where you remember it's your life. You have one go to make the most of it. It's not about if he's a nice person or whatever, if it didn't work for you and you tried then it's over.

I applaud you for leaving someone you weren't happy with.

What things would you like to do that you can't do whilst married?

Apart from dating/having a new relationship you can completely change your life now without waiting for HRT or divorce.

I’m also in the same position as you! Please don’t feel alone.

Have been married for 18 years and have a child who will be leaving home in a couple of years, and my husband and I are really just living as friends. But he annoys me, and doesn’t ‘get’ me. Very few similar interests now. It’s very depressing. I’d much rather be on my own, but have stuck it out so far because of our child.

He knows how I feel. We have had counselling where I made my feelings clear, but although he was sad for a bit, he now just continues as normal and I guess he thinks it will all be ok in time. It sounds a bit like your husband may be thinking that, once you are over the menopause (or settled on HRT), you will get back to being ‘normal’. Mine used to think that, maybe he still does, although I am over the menopause now and am more determined to leave him than ever!

I feel guilty, and do wonder whether I will be lonely if (when) I go off by myself. But on the other hand, I’ve spent my life making sacrifices for the family and definitely want to do stuff by myself (and possibly find a new partner - not marry again - but enjoy myself with someone who has the same interests as me).

Have you had counselling? I’d recommend it. It is much easier to talk with someone in the room who can understand what you are saying……