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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you tell Husband you want to leave?

45 replies

Menominnie · 01/11/2022 19:13

Hi all, I've been reading a few posts in past few days regarding leaving husband.
My situation is we have 2 children over 18 both In full time work.
I have reached an age where I no longer want to be with husband after being together over 25 years. If I'm honest I've been unhappy for years but stuck with it for sake of kids. I now want to think of myself and really see myself enjoying a single life and free to do my own thing and answer to no one.
Ideally I would be happy to sell the house and split the equity. Pretty certain kids would split their time between both of us so would each buy/mortgage another house. I'm not interested in claiming any of his pension. I just want an easy split to move on with my life. He will be absolutely distraught over it but I need to think of me now.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Menominnie · 02/02/2023 20:51

Well I'm still here. Is there ever a right time to leave? I wanted to go Xmas week. He begged me not to. Now we have our DC big birthday coming up. I can't do it now. I'm so confused and ultimately thinking more of him than me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/02/2023 21:11

He's just blackmailing you into staying.

Why don't you have a voice? Why don't your needs matter?

GrumpyPanda · 02/02/2023 21:24

Difficult - this isn't your classical Mumsnet LTB situation. I do get wanting your own space! Is that something you could also work on in the interim? I know several couples who basically live in adjoining flats - each of them has their own sitting room and bedroom, but they also spend time together. Second marriages usually, and both partners felt the conjoined-at-the-hip thing wasn't for them.

Igotthegoose · 02/02/2023 21:57

There will never be a good time to leave OP. It will not matter when you go. I found this out after I left before Christmas after delaying it for months and making excuses because of weddings, birthdays, etc etc. I was the bad person for leaving right before Christmas of course, but then again I would have always been the bad person. I wished I would have just left anyway as early as I could without stalling and claimed more of my life back.

Original poster
Menominnie · 16/02/2023 22:23

I've done it. I've come to my parents as I can't afford a place of my own just yet. I just want space to see if I get any feelings back and whether I want to continue the marriage.
It's all feels a bit strange at the min. He is distraught and finding it really difficult. I need to stop thinking of him and concentrate on me.
Thanks for everyones advice.

OP posts:
theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 16/02/2023 23:08

It's time to put your needs first and be brave. So much time wasted with knowing what you want to do but keeping everyone else happy and stalling the inevitable. Someone recommended the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and it really helped me find clarity.

TifT · 16/02/2023 23:19

Time to stop pleasing others and start pleasing yourself. He will get over it with time, everyone does. Your marriage can’t have been that happy for him either I wouldn’t imagine. Some people are more distraught at the thought of change.

KnittingDiva · 17/02/2023 00:00

Another one who feels the same. It all blew up last June when I announced it was over and all I felt was relief (and some anxiety) afterwards. Then he convinced me to give it one more year for a number of specific reasons. He promised he would go to therapy to address emotional issues he admits he has.
It’s all so difficult, I can really relate OP. Wish I could give some advice , just stuck in the middle of it myself and can’t see the wood from the trees.

Zanatdy · 17/02/2023 07:27

Well done OP. It takes a lot of strength to leave a marriage, especially when there’s not any major problems. You’re right that it’s your time now, keep strong and don’t give in if he begs you to go back. Sort yourself out with a little flat in time and you’ll be absolutely fine

Ghislainedefeligonde · 29/03/2023 20:51

I’m in a similar situation with DH, though our dc still at home. I’ve told him I feel we’ve been growing apart for years, I don’t love or fancy him anymore. Been together 20 years. I’m early 40s now, started HRT about 3 months ago hoping it would help…
DH now going to counselling and saying he will change etc. He is a good dad and husband, pulls his weight etc. I just don’t feel the connection any more and don’t see how him getting counselling can help tbh..

Ghislainedefeligonde · 29/03/2023 20:52

How are things going meno?

Original poster
Menominnie · 30/03/2023 09:23

Best decision I've made. It's really hard but you have to think of yourself. We are now putting house up for sale and will go our separate ways. Good luck with everything.

OP posts:
Ghislainedefeligonde · 31/03/2023 18:26

Thanks for updating meno and good luck with it all going forward

ZebraD · 29/07/2023 07:38

Do you have dates together? Do you do anything together? Does he take what you do for granted?
it’s a tough old world being on your own. That said there is nothing worse than the ‘is this it’ feeling.
I am menopausal and am fed up of looking after everyone. So I understand that feeling of wanting no responsibility and freedom and to just be. Maybe for the next 6 months, try and make loads of plans, dates, watch music, cinema, meals, make new FUN memories so you have new exciting things to talk about. Don’t get stuck in a rut…

WunWun · 29/07/2023 07:41

ZebraD · 29/07/2023 07:38

Do you have dates together? Do you do anything together? Does he take what you do for granted?
it’s a tough old world being on your own. That said there is nothing worse than the ‘is this it’ feeling.
I am menopausal and am fed up of looking after everyone. So I understand that feeling of wanting no responsibility and freedom and to just be. Maybe for the next 6 months, try and make loads of plans, dates, watch music, cinema, meals, make new FUN memories so you have new exciting things to talk about. Don’t get stuck in a rut…

This is an old thread and it seems like you haven't read it.

It would be better to start your own thread

Blanca87 · 29/07/2023 07:43

@ZebraD she has already left him 🫠

RuthTopp · 29/07/2023 07:45

@ZebraD

Read the thread , the op left him in February .

@Menominnie

Hope it's all going well for you ?

ivykaty44 · 29/07/2023 07:48

I would sow the seed that you’re unhappy, reason being is you’re three steps ahead of him. You’ve split, sold the house & divorced. Whereas he is still married and planning a future with you in it. If you sit him down it’ll be a big shock.

sow a seed or a few might seem unhelpful but it could well give him time to think beforehand. Letting him in to the fact you don’t think things are working between you two. You think that your relationship has run it’s course. You like some space on your own.

ripping a band aid of us all well and good but can lead to painful jolt, pulling slowly might lessen the jolt

ivykaty44 · 29/07/2023 07:49

Well done 👍🏻 sorry didn’t realise it was an old thread

ZebraD · 29/07/2023 08:50

ivykaty44 · 29/07/2023 07:49

Well done 👍🏻 sorry didn’t realise it was an old thread

Same 😂🤦‍♀️ I am always missing things doh!

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