Colleagues wife

[homarrrerra]

My ex managers wife thinks that I was having an affair/trying to have an affair perhaps with her husband.

He is 60, Pervy, flirts with every female in the office and has been accused of slapping women's arses. I'm 32.

We became close friends when I first started in the role 6 years ago. We got on really well and would message on occasion (if something funny had happened at work or if I needed help in work). He would, on occasion, message something sexual and he would also make these comments constantly in work (not just towards me). I knew the sexual messages he was sending were just a joke (although disrespectful to his wife). I would just message back saying "wouldn't have thought so", "you'd be so lucky" because I felt awkward if I didn't respond. But basically NONE of my messages were dodgy. Some of his were. I know he sent similar messages to a couple of other women in the office.

His wife read his messages and has decided that I am the one to blame. She has shouted at me in the street a couple of times telling me to stop messaging him (I had stopped messaging a couple of months before because he said she thought he was having affairs with every woman in the office). When she sees me she stares at me or has a go.

We live in a very small time so I do see her randomly in the shops.

I'm not sure how to deal with this? Am I supposed to just put up with this forever? She doesn't say anything when my children are there so Im pleased about that but how long can this actually go on for?

I've moved teams now so while I still see him daily, I'm not sat next to him any more!

He sounds like a winner but you should have shut him down the first time he sent something sleazy

My knee jerk reaction was the same but actually he was sexuallh harassing the op (and apparently has a reputation for this) and its still very, very hard people to know how to handle such behaviour.

The way the op reacted aligns with a lot of advice that's still given out - and bear in mind she was in her 20s and at the beginning of her career when it started.

Op - you've done anything wrong. Give them both a wide birth and if he continues with inappropriate messages shut it down firmly - and report to hr if he insists upon continuing.

Completely agree that I should have shut him down. I'm not a particularly strong person in that sense. I don't think it would ever have gotten to a stage where I would feel comfortable enough to tell him that actually he can't speak to me like that.
I take responsibility for that part.

I just don't know what to do about his wife. She is pointing the blame at the wrong person and I don't know where to go from here.

I have been calm when she's had a go at me and I've tried to explain to her that clearly nothing has been going on but she is just completely raging every time she sees me.

Damn autocorrect deleting words: op hasnt done anything wrong even if there were better ways to handle it and people find sexual harassment v difficult to deal with / know how to respond.

Then you politely but firmly tell her to stop harassing you and that she is totally mistaken. If she continues you'll have to take action about her harassment. Walk away and ignore any further shouting - your dignity will speak a thousand words.

I'm older than you, op.

First week in a new job (started last month) my boss sent me jokes/memes on Whatsapp.
I did two things:

1. Didn't add him to my contacts
2. Didn't acknowledge, react or send anything in return.

By week 2 he had stopped.

You are in a place of work.
By keeping things professional you will not leave yourself open to the kind of situation you now find yourself in.

you should have shut him down the first time he sent something sleazy

Ignore this OP. It isn't your fault and women are socialized to not make men feel bad, even when they are being creeps. A lot of women in your position would have done the same.

If you aren't already log times and dates of the incidents. If they continue or if you feel threatened then you are within your rights to inform the police.

I would tell him that if his wife doesn't fuck off, you'll be reporting her harassment to the police and to HR, along with reporting his inappropriate advances.

There’s loads to unravel.

He is your manager. I get how some women feel they have to entertain such poor behaviour from male managers. However you then became ‘close friends’ with him.

How do you become close friends with a sleaze ball, who is making you uncomfortable?

Is there anyone above him, at work, you can speak to? I would be telling him, that if his wife doesn’t back off I would involve the police for harassment and I would be ending the friendship.

Sounds like his work enviroment was his playground and you were a willing participant in his game playing.

He understood your boundaries were not too strong or maybe he took advantage of you needing to "get on" with someone in a higher possition than you.
The work envioroment itself has to be factored in, did you feel harrased ?, could you have complained ?, could it have been shut down ?
His wife has decided that it probably could have been or should have been and most probably would have been if it were another woman.

She is judging your boundaries and her husbands, but she is not entitled to intimidate you.
I personally think 20's is not that young to understand that a married man is acting this way but maybe you are immature and felt threatened in some way.

If this continues you have no option other than to report her to the police, you cannot be harrased in the street.

@Ekátn

So he was my manger until a couple of months ago. I have now moved teams and while he still makes the odd comment, I think he's got himself in to so much trouble at home that he has learnt to shut his mouth and stop slapping arse!

I started the job when I was 26 and I just got on really well with him straight away. I suppose it started with the odd sexual comment like "nice arse" or something and I giggled along and didn't overly mind at that age. Over the years that then turned in to him slapping my arse on occasion and making constant sexual comments. He also did it to a couple of other women who were on the team who also laughed along. I felt like I couldn't really confront him or make a big deal out of it in case everyone turned against me etc and I just didn't want to make an awkward atmosphere. He would always say that you have to have a good sense of humour to work on our team and I know that he meant bantering with sexual comments etc and not being offended by them. Once I had my children I changed and realised that I didn't want to be spoken to that way but I'm just not the sort of person who would confront someone.

As he doesn't manage me any more, I won't be taking it any further (and probably wouldn't have done anyway). I was telling one of the girls that I work with how sick I was of his behaviour and this person went higher up. They called me in and asked about it and I said yes, he had slapped my arse and made comments and messages. They were hoping to be able to find it on the work CCTV to get rid of him. I didn't want to take it further to be honest. It would have made my work life beyond awkward.

It's sort of in the past now but I'm mainly just trying to work out how best to deal with his wife so that this whole thing can just be put to bed!

@ViolinPin

I understand that 20's might not seem that young but I have always been a bit younger than my years and perhaps a little bit too naive.

Understandable that his wife is pissed off. I totally get that but at the end of the day..I didn't send him any dirty messages and I wasn't having an affair with him.

She is taking this out on the wrong person.

Thanks to all for the advice to tell her to stop harassing me etc. Next time she has a go at me I will just calmly tell her to stop harassing me or I will go to the police. I imagine that would make her stop. As someone else suggested - I will then just ignore her and walk away if it continues.

I can't believe that a 60 year old woman shouts at me in the street. I felt like I was on an episode of Eastenders the first time it happened.

You and his wife are having to deal with his bad behaviour. Men like this are such a pain in the arse.

As I said. I get how that can occur in a work setting.

I don’t understand how you would become ‘close friends’ with him. not just friendly. But close friends?

His wife is taking it out on the wrong person. Which is why I suggest you tell him to put an end to it or you will report her to the police.

Your choices are tell him to put and end to his wife’s harassment. Report it to the police. Report it to someone senior to you. Or leave it and let it carry on.

You don’t seem to want to do any of it.

You're not "the wrong person". Something HAS been going on, that you and others did. The sexual and inappropriate messages you casually entertained from a married man whose wife you know in the small community you both live in. "Just a joke" to you. Not funny to her. That's what she's angry about.

She's been demeaned and embarrassed on her home turf. Probably his smutty jokes about women at work are the subject of sleazy office speculation and gossip with his older colleagues, people she socialises with.

She is not going to forget it, or forgive the participants. And she's not going to let you forget how that feels.

Ugh I wouldn't giggle if a colleague slapped my arse, sounds like a bloody carry on film.

Oh please, this is a man in a position of seniority who held sway over women's jobs. He is entirely at fault for acting inappropriately and putting staff under him in a difficult position. His wife is at fault for marrying an unprofessional twat.

@2bazookas Starting to worry that you are her by the things you have just said!! She has said similar.

However, I am not in the wrong. Yes, could I have said "please do not message me like that". I didn't because I felt awkward, because I would have to see this man every day. Because this is what he acts like towards women and it has become normal in the office. I can think of only 1 person that has put in a complaint about him out of about 10 people.

It's also not "just a joke" to me. I feel for her but taking it out on me isn't going to help anyone. She is staying with her husband after seeing his messages to several women. That is her choice and she can't then spend the next 20 years of her life shouting at me every time she sees me. She should be taking it out on her husband.

She is not going to forget it, or forgive the participants. And she's not going to let you forget how that feels.

In that case she could end up with a criminal record

In your first post you say he has been accused of slapping arses.
In a subsequent post you say he has done it to you...🤔🤔
Which is it?

Imagine if the sleazy old men who behave this way were treated with as much scrutiny and publicly yelled at in the streets as much as the naïve young women they target. I bet they would think twice about their behaviour.

OP I think you should escalate this because if behaviour like this isn't stamped out in 6 months time there'll be another naive young 20-something who doesn't know how to tell him to stop, then there'll be young men who see this behaviour and nobody challenging and decide it's ok for them to do too.

The cycle doesn't stop until someone makes a stand.

I think alot of 20 somethings in OP's position would find it very hard to be assertive and shut it right down to be honest. You don't want to be seen as the unreasonable one, and its all apparently 'just banter'. Its so hard to know if you're over reacting/being too sensitive/what exactly to say without wanting to sound like a bitch.
When a higher up older man is targeting you like this its really difficult to know exactly what to do and how to react. So I don't blame the OP at all in any of this. She did what she thought was the right thing to do at the time without encouraging it. He on the other hand, knew exactly what he was doing. Yes in hindsight and in an ideal world the minute this crap started, young women would shut it straight down. But life and trying to fit into new jobs and office politics make that actually quite hard, especially if you are not naturally a confident assertive person.

If the wife keeps harassing you then is there an HR department you can speak to, to explain whats happened and that he needs to be dealt with so his wife leaves you alone? His actions have caused the harrassment at the end of the day, whether the wife blames you or not, he was the one who was married and being inappropriate towards a much younger colleague.

OP is in no way at fault here. Trying to smooth over sexual comments in the workplace is something women are conditioned to do, especially if like she’s said, she could be shunned by the rest of the women in the office who have been treated in the same manner. Her manager does it because he knows he’s created an environment that lets him get away with. OP isn’t at fault for being a victim of sexual harassment, and the wife is desperately trying to blame anyone but her pervy husband. She needs to give her head a wobble if she thinks his behaviour is ok.

What kind of company is it, OP? Do they have a proper HR department? Sincerely, I would write down what you remember of every incident, especially physical contact, print all snails, and take them to a lawyer. Clean him out. And then if the wife wants to still accuse you, you’ll very likely have an employment tribunal outcome on your side and a payout. He’s a sexual predator, and you’re wise enough now to shut it down for good.

And to add, I understand how much easier it is to just go with the status quo. I was in a similar position at work in my late 20s, with a married boss who had the younger women sat on his knee in his closed office, took interns out for dinner etc. I stood up to him when he made a very inappropriate comment about a young woman in a meeting and told him that I was paying attention to what he was doing and to who.

For that, I was bullied by him, having promised pay increases refused, bumped from department to department, excluded from info I needed to do my job. I lasted a year then left after my long term ongoing project which was in hard copy was mysteriously thrown in the bin “by the cleaners” and could not be recovered.

A year later, a girlfriend he had hired in a very senior role which she was completely unqualified for accused him of sexual harassment and he was fired, and she was paid a lump sum of 2 years salary and went permanent part time on her full salary.

I should have taken it further myself but as I wasn’t the one being hit on I’d already had comments about being jealous I wasn’t getting the attentions of this pot bellied shitstain. He got his just desserts in the end.