Colleagues wife

[homarrrerra]

My ex managers wife thinks that I was having an affair/trying to have an affair perhaps with her husband.

He is 60, Pervy, flirts with every female in the office and has been accused of slapping women's arses. I'm 32.

We became close friends when I first started in the role 6 years ago. We got on really well and would message on occasion (if something funny had happened at work or if I needed help in work). He would, on occasion, message something sexual and he would also make these comments constantly in work (not just towards me). I knew the sexual messages he was sending were just a joke (although disrespectful to his wife). I would just message back saying "wouldn't have thought so", "you'd be so lucky" because I felt awkward if I didn't respond. But basically NONE of my messages were dodgy. Some of his were. I know he sent similar messages to a couple of other women in the office.

His wife read his messages and has decided that I am the one to blame. She has shouted at me in the street a couple of times telling me to stop messaging him (I had stopped messaging a couple of months before because he said she thought he was having affairs with every woman in the office). When she sees me she stares at me or has a go.

We live in a very small time so I do see her randomly in the shops.

I'm not sure how to deal with this? Am I supposed to just put up with this forever? She doesn't say anything when my children are there so Im pleased about that but how long can this actually go on for?

I've moved teams now so while I still see him daily, I'm not sat next to him any more!

The next time she starts march straight over and say I am not responsible for your husband's behaviour. Never talk to me or contact me again. If you do so I will call the police. Do you understand?

I would sue the company for sexual harassment. Go and speak to a solicitor.

Could be due a payout plus it might get him out!

I understand how posters can excuse op's involvement in this as being pressurised but op has admitted they were very good friends.
Very good friends can voice their opinions and we really don't know the exact situation, it does take two people to converse, we are not children who just willingly have to behave how men wish us to, it is possible to shut down this sort of enfringement.

He has been called in for his behaviour, this man may be fighting for his job (his fault) but his wife may be angry not just at the op for her 'encouraging' behaviour but in her new stance of believing he is a slimeball, (she confirms she started to place firmer boundaries when her children arrived, maybe she grew more confident in batting away his advances or the friendship was interupted by pressure from colleagues or his wife, we don't know.) The wife may be worried he is about to lose his job.

There is a lot to un pick here with two people fighting for their reputation to remain in tack by the sounds of it.

Clearly a man who shouldn't be allowed to work with women, a predator, this stuff should be taught in schools how men will try to make a work envioroment a playground for their own desires.
Young women always seem to learn the hard way.

I know it’s not your fault OP but I’d say she is feeling humiliated and the messages look like you were playing along (which you were) and that in itself would be upsetting for her.

Her anger does seem misplaced. I would say to her that you never entertained the idea of an affair but you should have told him his jokes were not appropriate. That you will not discuss this with her in the street and if she shouts at you again, you will contact police. Also tell him the same, that you feel the jokes end up mocking his wife/marriage but she cannot harass you on the street.

If I saw sexual flirty messages from my DH to another woman, I would assume something had gone on, or was going on for him to feel comfortable enough to send those type of messages and for her to receive them and not respond in such a way that shut it down.

It gives the impression of a certain familiarity.

Whilst you know you didn't have an inappropriate relationship with him, you do need to understand how it would look from her perspective.

Her husband is 60... so I'm assuming she's a similar age and certainly older than you. She thinks her husband is having something with a much younger woman, so she's hurt about it

Why don't you get off your high horse ffs. OP's not the perpetrator here. Yes, she might have handled things more adroitly had she need older and a bit bolshier, but your post is disgusting victim-blaming.

That should have quote included @2bazookas horrible post.

Hurt feelings don't make it OK to harass people in the street though do they?

And the op didn't have an affair and she's not the one married to her.

This. This whole story is bizarre.

@Lilithslove

Hurt feelings don't make it OK to harass people in the street though do they?

No, but I was just presenting the perspective of his wife based on the information the OP gave.

It's always important in any situation to understand why another person may behave the way they do and any contributory factors at play.

Think the wife is on here nMe changing

OP did you post about this a while ago? I swear I can remember the exact same thing being posted about with all the same details.

The following applies either way, but I wondered if you're the same person? Because if so this has been going on for a long time and is therefore even less likely to change.

So you need to seriously consider whether working there long term is good for your mental health.

This man has repeatedly sexually harassed you. Now, his wife is now also harassing you.

And you say he still sometimes makes comments.

Staying in the same company as him doesn't sound like a sustainable option, even if you've moved teams.

You absolutely shouldn't have to get a different job but sometimes we have to prioritise our mental health over what seems fair.

@monsteramunch do you mean the thread where the op was a solicitor?

That thread crossed my mind too

And just to be clear that wasn't me trying sort of 'catch you out' OP, it was genuine because if you're the same person this has been going on quite a while so is unlikely to change at all. Leaving seems like the best option I think.

Again, you shouldn't have to do so but not being harassed in the real world is more important than what should be fair in an ideal one.

Honestly OP, if not for yourself, at least for the women of tomorrow just do everyone a favour and speak to HR
Show them messages. Tell them his wife now shouts at you in the street.
Stop men acting like this towards women in the workplace. Please. Just fucking do the right thing here.

If if were me, I'd dump this whole shit show in HR's lap and let the chips fall where they may. They seem eager to get rid of him, which can only be a good thing for any female employers.

If you're not up for that, next time she has a go at you just calmly say @ I haven't done anything, I never had any intention of doing anything and if you don't stop harassing me I'll have to seek legal advice" then just walk off.

I really do think what the op suggests here is the way to go. Better still, don't wait for "next time" report it now, with dates/ times/ places. This is abuse.

He should be reported. His behaviour was / is vile. I can't believe that only one person in 10 has complained....I feel for that poor woman who complained and noone backed her up.

Whilst he's responsible for his vile actions, I too don't understand why you would become 'close friends' with such a man. And if you were indeed close friends, you would tell him how awful his behaviour is.

I'm not condoning what his wife is doing. Not for a moment. But I can see from her perspective, a woman who he's sending flirting texts to is respinding as a 'close friend' and at no point asked him to stop. In her current shock and upset, it will be hard to separate your actions (or lack of action) from his.

Again, the sexual harrassment is on him and him alone. But I have some sympathy for his wife who is another of his victims. Except whereas you all knew what was happening and laughed it off, this was her life and she wasn't in on the joke.

He needs reporting to HR.

He should be reported. His behaviour was / is vile. I can't believe that
only one person in 10 has complained....I feel for that poor woman who
complained and noone backed her up.

Have I missed something
one in ten ?

So someone’s Boss, in a position of power, slaps her arse and sends her smutty messages and you think his wife is right to blame her?

She clearly doesn’t want to admit that she is married to a complete sleezebag.

If I was the OP, I would stop being polite to his wife and put her straight. She would be told that her harassment will be reported to the police and her pervert husband will be reported to his boss and HR.

In your last update, you mentioned how she 'should' be feeling. Your thoughts about how she should be feeling are completely irrelevant. It's none of your business. Of course she's angry. You contradict yourself. You said he became a close friend but then you say you were uncomfortable with his messages and actions. Which is it? I don't think you're as innocent as you say. You also should have had enough sense to not reply. You're just reaping what you've sown now.

I don't believe there are people here actually blaming the OP. Classic example of a man behaving like a sleaze at best, a predator at worst, and women jumping on to blame the victim. It's such misogyny.

When the OP started, the power imbalance will have been absolutely enormous. As a PP has said, it's very hard to stand up against behaviour that has been so normalized within an environment - especially when the perpetrator has such a monopoly on career/decisions made. It's easier to become 'friends' in that situation than it is to make an enemy of them. Some people genuinely feel scared to reject men in positions of power, because you don't know how they'll respond. One of my friends has a whole file of evidence surrounding her (male) manager, and still nothing has been done as all the (male) execs know one another and there is such a culture of corruption.

His wife is understandably hurt but is behaving appallingly. It's easier for her to do this because by making you into some siren/harlot, she can believe her poor little husband was helpless to resist and stay with him. If she carries on I'd report her to the police for harassment

All of it is humilliating.

The husband has allowed his life to run like a Benny Hill sketch, everyone's a laughing stock, the wife, the girls and him.

His poor family, he never protected them or respected them, a fool of a man.

The company sounds like a joke too.