I have this beautiful friend. She has been my best friend for four years. She is a great listener, supportive, super loyal. All the things I wanted in a dream friend. A week and a half ago we had a really sudden friend break up that has rocked me to my core. I had no indication she was going to pull this on me. I am worried that this story could seemed biased but I will tell it by series of events. We will call my best friend A.
A went to Europe for over a month back in July. Me and our other friend, lets call them S looked after her two cats. We couldn't house sit because we both work fulltime but we took turns everyday going to their house, feeding and playing with the cats and then going home.
She bought us uber eats vouchers as compensation which at the time I thought was super sweet. I was just happy to hangout with the cats so it worked out. After those 5 weeks she went back to Europe less than a month ago for
2 and a half weeks. Last minute A asked my friend and I if we could stop by their house to take care of the cats again.
I want to make a point of saying, by A's request the cats were only seeing people around 2 hours a day for almost 8 weeks.
So I'm taking care of her cats and a couple of days before they get back, one of their cats pooped on their bed! I messaged her because it seemed weird for the cat to do that. She said he'd only do that if the kitty litter wasn't clean.
To give some perspective, I've never owned a pet in my whole life, neither has S. A sent a video explanation of how to take care of the cats. In that video she clearly told us, you don't have to clean the kitty litter everyday!
To be hyper vigilante, I was but apparently i wasn't cleaning it thorough enough. Obviously, I should have asked more questions, or kept better tabs on them. But we took care of them for 5 weeks previously without this problem. For some reason this time it went wrong. One of their two cats ended up getting a UTI. I want to say, any pet owner has every right to be frustrated. That's their baby, and it got sick under my care, any hard or sad feelings from her, I am here for. But the situation just escalated.
A and her partner went completely cold on us. I asked them if they were annoyed with us and they did keep saying they were fine but their tones indicated they absolutely were not okay. Me and S just left it. If they said they weren't upset then there wasn't much we could do.
But it got worse, it was A's birthday the day after she got home. I cleaned her whole house, I bought her flowers and left her a little love note in her apartment. She got home and did not message me, I followed up being like "Hey! Hope you saw the flowers, they were kind of hidden! Love you!"
Her message was pretty cold, just "Yep i found them, thanks! The kitty litter was dirty though". I had absolutely cleaned it but I assumed maybe the cats had dirtied it a lot before they got home.
Anyway I send her this long heartfelt birthday message about how much I love her and sending photos of our memories. She essentially just responded with "It's not my birthday, my birthday is in two days but thanks anyway"
Obviously I felt like a huge idiot. I misread her partners texts, I thought he was saying it was Wednesday. I tried to explain to her that I genuinely just got the dates mixed up and I knew what day it was and she was like "Please don't lie" I wasn't lying! I had made a geniune mistake!!
I was planning a little birthday celebration for her. I kept trying to ask her when I could see her to give her the present and do the little plan I had made but she said she was too busy to see me. I left my gift at her house. She messaged me when she got the gift saying "Thanks for giving me your Gatchapon, you really didn't have to do that"
Gatchapon are just little Japanese trinkets you can get from vending machines, there were two that she constantly told me how much she wanted that I owned, like CONSTANTLY. I went out and found them and i got this hand made cat figure that looks like her cats for her. That message felt soooo weird, I messaged back being like, they aren't my gatchapons? I bought them for you because you said you wanted them! She didn't respond.
This story is getting so long but, I'd asked her endlessly when she wanted to hang. She said she'd be studying, one of our friends birthday party was on Saturday night. She said clearly to me I'm not going to her party because I'm busy. I didn't question her. I went to the party.
Slight back story for this girl, Me and A were super super close with this friend her, lets call her E. I had some times with E where I had felt uncomfortable and hurt by her. It took me a long time to process but I ended up confiding in A about it because A also knew E well. A was so supportive and immediately was mad on my behalf. One of the things that hurt me was that, E was one of the first people I had ever been open about my queerness too. A day after I had told E I felt like she used it as a way to tease me in front of a group of people. There were a lot of other things that happened with this girl but that was one of them.
E also slept with one of A's close friends ex boyfriends (This really really upset her, she called me almost yelling about it), E had lied about A and just was an unreliable friend from A had told me. I thought that my feelings toward A were just extras on top of an already big situation. Before A left for this last two week trip, both she and I communicated to E that we both had different things we were hurt by.
I didn't originally want to go to E's party but ever since I had sent that message to E, E has done everything in her power to make it up to me. She has tried to be so supportive, constantly sending me loving and understanding message. E was immediately ready to make amends. I know I still have to keep strong boundaries with E, but with time I started to look at E as more of a flawed person that was going through something deeply traumatic herself. I don't want E to be as close anymore but I thought I could forgive her whilst still keeping some distance. She really wanted me at her party and I felt like it was the mature thing to do and a way to let go of my hurt, I was trying to be kind to E.
Again from what A had told, she was studying all weekend. Two days after I go to E's party she sent me this super angry message essentially being like "oh so you guys are besties again?"
I said exactly what I said of "No, I just wanted to maturely end a friendship, I didn't stay at the party long, I just stopped by and said happy birthday and left"
I am shortening what A said but what I have interpreted from what she said back, she blew up at me saying how I have put her in the middle of me and E's situation and that I haven't been honest and I have bad communication. She also said I was the sole reason she had distanced herself from E. When I asked about all the times she had been so upset about other things she said she was only upset because I had originally been upset, she was just being loyal and that those issues were never a big deal to begin with. I tried to remain calm and I just said "Hey it seems like you're really upset and I totally wanna be here for that, I don't fully understand what I did wrong but lets talk about it in person."
Her message back was along the lines of "We have nothing to talk about. My life is soooo much better after considering that I don't need certain people
(I.e me) I want focus on other people. You were my best friend but sometimes things change, I guess we have different values but I'm okay to move on"
I was obviously devastated, a week before this whole ordeal she was telling me how I was her one and only true best friend and how she has never loved anyone like me before, now this.
I did end up having a big conversation with E, originally i wanted to confront her about all the times I felt she had been really mean to me but instead I went at the conversation like "How are you?". She had the most traumatic year and whilst I still believe she was nasty for not much reason, I wanted to address how she was rather than bringing up the past. Also the homophobic comments felt super super heavy to address, I'm still not fully comfortable in my queerness and I just needed to take confronting E one step at a time.
After I spoke to E, I suppose A spoke to her afterwards because I got this really cryptic message from A saying "Me and E just sat down and had an HONEST conversation for once that has painted a much big picture of what is happening. I will need space from you until I can process the really hectic things that I've heard"
If you're reading this and you feel like details have been left out, I feel the same. I like to think I'm someone that doesn't like or intentionally hurt others. But I feel like I've done both these things. I spoke to E after this message because perhaps she knows what A is talking about. E seemed completely oblivious to what A was referring to. The most she could elude to was that they were both annoyed at me that I hadn't confronted E earlier. I don't blame them for that. I held onto my feelings for months and that obviously isn't healthy. But I also didn't know how to process it. It felt so huge and I've had my own traumtic things I had to process outside of mine and E's relationship that was taking up all of my emotional energy.
I want to be accountable for my mistakes. I know I could have communicated better but I feel like the worst people on the planet because I've clearly hurt my best friend but she can't tell me how.
I've been sending her like "I love you! Hope you're doing well" messages but she is not responding.
I do know that A has shared with E my feelings about E being mean etc without my permission. I didn't think she would but she believes good communication is just being super direct, honest and kind of harsh about how she is feeling. I like to take time to process and not fully believe my feelings. I like to think about how I say things, I guess that means I'm not saying exactly how I feel with words but I like to think I get my point across whilst also being positive. Me and E were able to grow together because I didn't accuse her. I know A has accused E on my behalf and I do think that's what she is eluding to when she is saying I'm not being fully honest.
(As just a side note, L has also been experiencing intense coldness and passive aggressiveness from both A and her partner. Right up until A and E spoke, suddenly A's partner message L saying "Someone is twisiting our words!! We love you and we want to stay your friend." I do think they are referring to me, L is completely on my side because L knows I haven't interfered or change anything they said, everything they said was over text message lol I can't really twist what is written down)
I'm deeply distressed, I don't want to loose my friend but I cannot understand how to fix this situation