Please am I in the wrong? I don't want to loose my bestfriend

[Totesgoats111]

I have this beautiful friend. She has been my best friend for four years. She is a great listener, supportive, super loyal. All the things I wanted in a dream friend. A week and a half ago we had a really sudden friend break up that has rocked me to my core. I had no indication she was going to pull this on me. I am worried that this story could seemed biased but I will tell it by series of events. We will call my best friend A.
A went to Europe for over a month back in July. Me and our other friend, lets call them S looked after her two cats. We couldn't house sit because we both work fulltime but we took turns everyday going to their house, feeding and playing with the cats and then going home.

She bought us uber eats vouchers as compensation which at the time I thought was super sweet. I was just happy to hangout with the cats so it worked out. After those 5 weeks she went back to Europe less than a month ago for
2 and a half weeks. Last minute A asked my friend and I if we could stop by their house to take care of the cats again.

I want to make a point of saying, by A's request the cats were only seeing people around 2 hours a day for almost 8 weeks.
So I'm taking care of her cats and a couple of days before they get back, one of their cats pooped on their bed! I messaged her because it seemed weird for the cat to do that. She said he'd only do that if the kitty litter wasn't clean.
To give some perspective, I've never owned a pet in my whole life, neither has S. A sent a video explanation of how to take care of the cats. In that video she clearly told us, you don't have to clean the kitty litter everyday!

To be hyper vigilante, I was but apparently i wasn't cleaning it thorough enough. Obviously, I should have asked more questions, or kept better tabs on them. But we took care of them for 5 weeks previously without this problem. For some reason this time it went wrong. One of their two cats ended up getting a UTI. I want to say, any pet owner has every right to be frustrated. That's their baby, and it got sick under my care, any hard or sad feelings from her, I am here for. But the situation just escalated.
A and her partner went completely cold on us. I asked them if they were annoyed with us and they did keep saying they were fine but their tones indicated they absolutely were not okay. Me and S just left it. If they said they weren't upset then there wasn't much we could do.
But it got worse, it was A's birthday the day after she got home. I cleaned her whole house, I bought her flowers and left her a little love note in her apartment. She got home and did not message me, I followed up being like "Hey! Hope you saw the flowers, they were kind of hidden! Love you!"
Her message was pretty cold, just "Yep i found them, thanks! The kitty litter was dirty though". I had absolutely cleaned it but I assumed maybe the cats had dirtied it a lot before they got home.

Anyway I send her this long heartfelt birthday message about how much I love her and sending photos of our memories. She essentially just responded with "It's not my birthday, my birthday is in two days but thanks anyway"

Obviously I felt like a huge idiot. I misread her partners texts, I thought he was saying it was Wednesday. I tried to explain to her that I genuinely just got the dates mixed up and I knew what day it was and she was like "Please don't lie" I wasn't lying! I had made a geniune mistake!!

I was planning a little birthday celebration for her. I kept trying to ask her when I could see her to give her the present and do the little plan I had made but she said she was too busy to see me. I left my gift at her house. She messaged me when she got the gift saying "Thanks for giving me your Gatchapon, you really didn't have to do that"

Gatchapon are just little Japanese trinkets you can get from vending machines, there were two that she constantly told me how much she wanted that I owned, like CONSTANTLY. I went out and found them and i got this hand made cat figure that looks like her cats for her. That message felt soooo weird, I messaged back being like, they aren't my gatchapons? I bought them for you because you said you wanted them! She didn't respond.

This story is getting so long but, I'd asked her endlessly when she wanted to hang. She said she'd be studying, one of our friends birthday party was on Saturday night. She said clearly to me I'm not going to her party because I'm busy. I didn't question her. I went to the party.
Slight back story for this girl, Me and A were super super close with this friend her, lets call her E. I had some times with E where I had felt uncomfortable and hurt by her. It took me a long time to process but I ended up confiding in A about it because A also knew E well. A was so supportive and immediately was mad on my behalf. One of the things that hurt me was that, E was one of the first people I had ever been open about my queerness too. A day after I had told E I felt like she used it as a way to tease me in front of a group of people. There were a lot of other things that happened with this girl but that was one of them.
E also slept with one of A's close friends ex boyfriends (This really really upset her, she called me almost yelling about it), E had lied about A and just was an unreliable friend from A had told me. I thought that my feelings toward A were just extras on top of an already big situation. Before A left for this last two week trip, both she and I communicated to E that we both had different things we were hurt by.

I didn't originally want to go to E's party but ever since I had sent that message to E, E has done everything in her power to make it up to me. She has tried to be so supportive, constantly sending me loving and understanding message. E was immediately ready to make amends. I know I still have to keep strong boundaries with E, but with time I started to look at E as more of a flawed person that was going through something deeply traumatic herself. I don't want E to be as close anymore but I thought I could forgive her whilst still keeping some distance. She really wanted me at her party and I felt like it was the mature thing to do and a way to let go of my hurt, I was trying to be kind to E.

Again from what A had told, she was studying all weekend. Two days after I go to E's party she sent me this super angry message essentially being like "oh so you guys are besties again?"
I said exactly what I said of "No, I just wanted to maturely end a friendship, I didn't stay at the party long, I just stopped by and said happy birthday and left"

I am shortening what A said but what I have interpreted from what she said back, she blew up at me saying how I have put her in the middle of me and E's situation and that I haven't been honest and I have bad communication. She also said I was the sole reason she had distanced herself from E. When I asked about all the times she had been so upset about other things she said she was only upset because I had originally been upset, she was just being loyal and that those issues were never a big deal to begin with. I tried to remain calm and I just said "Hey it seems like you're really upset and I totally wanna be here for that, I don't fully understand what I did wrong but lets talk about it in person."
Her message back was along the lines of "We have nothing to talk about. My life is soooo much better after considering that I don't need certain people
(I.e me) I want focus on other people. You were my best friend but sometimes things change, I guess we have different values but I'm okay to move on"

I was obviously devastated, a week before this whole ordeal she was telling me how I was her one and only true best friend and how she has never loved anyone like me before, now this.

I did end up having a big conversation with E, originally i wanted to confront her about all the times I felt she had been really mean to me but instead I went at the conversation like "How are you?". She had the most traumatic year and whilst I still believe she was nasty for not much reason, I wanted to address how she was rather than bringing up the past. Also the homophobic comments felt super super heavy to address, I'm still not fully comfortable in my queerness and I just needed to take confronting E one step at a time.
After I spoke to E, I suppose A spoke to her afterwards because I got this really cryptic message from A saying "Me and E just sat down and had an HONEST conversation for once that has painted a much big picture of what is happening. I will need space from you until I can process the really hectic things that I've heard"

If you're reading this and you feel like details have been left out, I feel the same. I like to think I'm someone that doesn't like or intentionally hurt others. But I feel like I've done both these things. I spoke to E after this message because perhaps she knows what A is talking about. E seemed completely oblivious to what A was referring to. The most she could elude to was that they were both annoyed at me that I hadn't confronted E earlier. I don't blame them for that. I held onto my feelings for months and that obviously isn't healthy. But I also didn't know how to process it. It felt so huge and I've had my own traumtic things I had to process outside of mine and E's relationship that was taking up all of my emotional energy.
I want to be accountable for my mistakes. I know I could have communicated better but I feel like the worst people on the planet because I've clearly hurt my best friend but she can't tell me how.
I've been sending her like "I love you! Hope you're doing well" messages but she is not responding.

I do know that A has shared with E my feelings about E being mean etc without my permission. I didn't think she would but she believes good communication is just being super direct, honest and kind of harsh about how she is feeling. I like to take time to process and not fully believe my feelings. I like to think about how I say things, I guess that means I'm not saying exactly how I feel with words but I like to think I get my point across whilst also being positive. Me and E were able to grow together because I didn't accuse her. I know A has accused E on my behalf and I do think that's what she is eluding to when she is saying I'm not being fully honest.
(As just a side note, L has also been experiencing intense coldness and passive aggressiveness from both A and her partner. Right up until A and E spoke, suddenly A's partner message L saying "Someone is twisiting our words!! We love you and we want to stay your friend." I do think they are referring to me, L is completely on my side because L knows I haven't interfered or change anything they said, everything they said was over text message lol I can't really twist what is written down)

I'm deeply distressed, I don't want to loose my friend but I cannot understand how to fix this situation

A is spoiling for a fight. If a good friend send your birthday message early, surely the normal response would be a bit of friendly mick taking since they dont seem to know what day it is, and/ or thanking them for their kind message anyway as it's the thought that counts.

I didn't read all of it, TL:DR. But the long and short of it seems to me that if BFF wants her cats not to have UTIs and shit on the bed she needs to stop leaving them with mates to come in feeding them for months at a time and rehome them or leave them in the care of professionals and fucking well pay for it.

How old are you all?

Like others I'm wondering what age range you are @Totesgoats111 ? Assuming you're quite young, and I remember in my early 20's a lot of drama and letting friendships drift because people change or you see a different side to them. Might help us offer more specific advice if we know an approx age range / life stage. All sounds very dramatic and stressful and your friend / former friend sounds very selfish and narcissistic, may be for the best you cut ties

TLDR. It all seems very immature. He said, she said...
Couldn't follow it all, but I'd just leave her to get on with it and you sound far too attached to her and almost seeking validation from her.
Not your fault re cats though - they're awkward buggers, and can be prone to UTI, particularly when stressed. Her leaving them for long periods could have triggered this quite easily. If she didn't want to risk them pooing everywhere, she should have got someone to stay or put them in a cattery.

I read it all. I can see why you’re hurt and confused but if you take a big step back you’ll see the dynamic isn’t healthy, nothing entitles A to be queen bee, and you’ll have more time and energy for healthier more equal friendships when you let her go.

It does sound like you’re quite fixated on her, possibly a bit of a crush, I think she’s aware of that and uses it to toy with you.

You’ll be okay. Most of us have had a painful friendship break up at some point. It feels like the end of the world but it isn’t. If a relationship is causing you this much angst and upset it’s not worthy of you or your time.

I could not read that, I made it maybe half way through, far too much detail and really about nothing other than she said she said.

My thoughts on the cats, yes it is very unusual for a well cat to poop on a bed. I personally believe they were left alone for far too long and should have gone to a cattery. I think the pooping and UTI were down to stress.

As to the friends, yes this friendship is over, time to move on. But don’t be so intense next time, your love notes to a friend are really over the top.

Your 'friend' doesn't care about her cats very much and asking you to look after them for a long period of time is cheeky.

Without wanting to sound rude, your op sounded very intense and a bit much. I'd be rethinking this friendship altogether.

A sounds like a cow. You sound lovely but very intense - I'd probably try and dial that back a bit.

I'm another one who'd like to know how old you all are. I'm in my mid twenties and can't imagine behaving like this with any of my friends.

A and her partner are really awful cat owners to leave them for five weeks with only two visits a day, then for another two weeks. No wonder the cat was stressed and shitting on the bed. They should use a cattery if they’re away for that long.

They are also hugely taking the piss to have you and another friend looking after them for such a long period of time, presumably for free? I’d do that for one night or two, maximum.

Your actions towards A sound incredibly intense - the love notes, cute presents, cleaning her flat and leaving flowers after you’d done her a favour by looking after the cats. As a previous poster has mentioned, do you have feelings for her? You are allowing her to treat you very badly and she is taking you for granted. She was pushing you away and being very dismissive of you, but once she heard you were friendly to E again, she got the hump and had a go at you. Has she always been possessive about you having other friends.

I couldn’t quite follow all the stuff with E and the party and the friendship dramas. I’m guessing that you are all quite young (early 20s), and are friends from school/ college/ university? You sound very enmeshed with each other’s lives. Do you want to spend the next few years wasting your mental energy on these kind of dramas instead of focusing on your career, your plans for the future, having fun?

You seem quite young, so let me give you a cheat code for life

She's not your best friend, she's an arse hole and a user. You will encounter more people like this, and it's not you, it's them. Repeat that till it sticks.

You're welcome, I've saved you decades of bs.

TLDR However got the gist of basically ,your friend is being an entitled twat. Waay too much drama here.Sounds like she knows how much you like her and is cashing in on it.Look for other chums and leave this one to stew a while

A going cold on you without much explanation, and after you’d cared for her cats, is out of order. But it is an indication that you need to step back from the friendship and adjust your expectations. There’s not really any such thing as the ‘dream friend’.

What I took from this: you all sound very young. A is neglecting her cats and is rude and completely ungrateful. You're fawning over A by repeatedly "sucking up to her" (for want of a better phrase) when she shows you little respect and has treated you badly. My only advice is to walk away from this mess.

Wow it's like kids though I think my kids have less drama. A is selfish particularly for leaving her cats that long. Animals suffer anxiety as humans do. No way would I leave my cats that long.

Your best to just get on with your own life and leave others to there drama

I wondered that. Way too intense for a normal friendship. This reads like Young Adult fiction.

If I didn't read that you have all seen each other in the same room I would guess that A, E and boyfriend are all the same person and doing one of those weird Sweet Bobby catfishing things....

Sorry got bored very quickly, but t your friend is very selfish and you are a mug. You all sound very immature. Put it behind you and move on.

Read about half of that. Your friend sounds like a pain. You were doing her a huge favour saving her money in the meantime. She could have put her cats in a cattery when she was away but that would cost up to £10 per day per cat.
Stuff her, she sounds entitled. I wouldn’t be running around after her anymore. If it was me I wouldn’t bother contacting her again, let her contact you, if she doesn’t then forget about her.
Might seem cold but that’s the way things are with people.

OP, you are giving way too much in this friendship. Your friend sounds ungrateful. Friendship shouldn’t be about doing as much as you can for somebody no matter how they treat you. Don’t reward bad behaviour towards you by doing more.

It is absolutely not unusual for a cat that has been left at home without its owner to poop on their bed.

This is typical behaviour for a stressed cat:
The routine they are used to is gone
They miss their owner
They seek out somewhere that smells very strongly of the owner - like their bed! - and poop on it to try to relieve their stress.

I'd also suspect it wasn't a UTI but feline urinary symptoms related to, yes again, stress. When cats are stressed it goes to their bladders, even to the extent of causing them to pee blood.

Your friend was a totally irresponsible cat owner for leaving her cats for weeks on end, and when they understandably got upset, blaming it on you.

She's a horrible friend and horrible to her animals.

I didn't read the whole post but it wouldn't surprise me if A suddenly gets all friendly again next time she's in need of a cat sitter.

I really hope you tell her to piss off!

The friend is clearly awful, but you are making your own bed by running around after her like a besotted lover. Friendships are equal, with each giving and taking, and supporting each other. You seem to relish her taking advantage of you at every turn. It’s not a way to win people over. People don’t think well of doormats.

And you sounds waaaaaay too intense on every front. I’d be thoroughly scared by the dramatic intensity of your actions and feelings about me if I was your friend. It’s really not normal. Do you have a romantic relationship of your own? It sounds as though you’re pouring all those feelings you’d have for a lover into this very one-sided friendship.

I think you need to work on your own self respect, boundaries and self esteem. You’re not treating yourself well at all by behaving like this.

But first, block A’s number from your phone, and forget this sorry episode. Concentrate on building yourself up and move on.

I also gave up, but what I took from this is that she has no right having pets that she intends to leave for such lengthy periods. They can't just be "loaned out" to anyone who has time to look in - they are not stuffed toys and want and deserve companionship.

Wtf have I just read?? Sorry, I didn't even get halfway through before losing the will to live. If your face to face conversations are this waffling and rambling all over the place then I'm not surprised they grew tired of being friends. Besides all that endless waffle, leaving the cats alone for that length of time over so many weeks is pretty cruel anyway. If they are her babies and she cared that much about them she would have paid a cattery to look after them properly so they weren't left alone for 22 hours a day for months at a time.