Why do I feel like this?

[StillTooWarm]

Don't even know what I'm asking here really.

I've been in a relationship for a just over a year which is damn near perfect in every way I need it to be. But I've never really had a proper relationship before. I've always dated men I could keep at a distance (either because they or I weren't that invested or because of distance etc).

I always thought it would be nice to be in a proper relationship. I love him and I know he loves me but I feel that I don't really know how to be in a relationship. I mean, I am myself. I can be myself. I don't find being with him stifling but I have this constant feeling that I'm not good enough - physically, sexually, emotionally, romantically etc.

I'm not seeing him during the week this week. He was busy last night and tonight and I'm busy tomorrow and Thursday. It feels strange and I hate being in the house on my own - I just go to bed really early. But I'm having constant intrusive thoughts of ending it and that I'd be better off alone and he'd be better of without me.

I don't have any fear that he isn't interested because he says he wants to spend he rest of his life with me and has shown that he is committed in lots of ways. And I don't feel stifled by this. I find it quite comforting. But I have this constant thought that I'm making a mistake and I should be on my own.

The more he says he loves me or shows other signs of commitment, the more I feel that I'm not up standard.

As an example, we went out at the weekend to an Oktoberfest event. Everyone was dressed up including him but i couldnt bring myself to wear the outfit i wore so i wore my normal clothes and kept my coat and scarf. I knew that i wouldnt look as good as the other women there so, in my head, it was more comfortable to not even try. If that makes sense. I'm finding that happening more and more 😕

The other women did look great BTW and I wouldn't have looked as good as them. I didn't regret my decision and he was ok with it. I know he was disappointed but all he suggested was that I took my outfit with me in case I decided I wanted to get changed while I was there.

You are pushing him away.
Is there anything in your past that causes this ? Your parents relationship, or a trauma ?
Id suggest you find someone to talk it out, a counsellor.

I know I'm pushing him away ☹️

I feel like just being with someone is a constant reminder that I'm not good enough.

I'm not attractive enough, my boobs aren't big enough, I'm not exciting or interesting enough.

I've had counselling and therapy for things on and off for years but it's only really now being put to the test. I thought I was in a good place for a relationship but I'm really not and I don't think I ever will be.

Have you ever tried antidepressants ?

Yes but I've not been on any medication for about 7 years. It's not felt necessary. I feel really uncomfortable about going back to the doctors and asking again.

And I don't really feel 'depressed'. I have hobbies, I find enjoyment in things, I work full time.

It really is just the relationship issue.

When I'm single, I don't have any of this self doubt because I feel OK about myself then.

If you feel better single, then do that. I was going to ask if you felt bad in a different way when single, so basically you can’t win either way ! , but you’ve answered that question.

Comparison is the thief of joy OP. Loving can be difficult for some of us because if you love, you're acutely aware that you have something to lose. A potential for pain, which you have probably felt before? Self sabotage makes complete sense because then we are in control at least. We put an end to the uncertainty. Have you talked about this with him? I dont mean the fact you think about ending it, that might be taken the wrong way. But the fact that you feel this way about yourself? From what you've said he sounds trustworthy and reliable. Talking to him might help reassure you that his love for you isn't just for the 'perfect' and presentable bits. There does tend to come a time in a relationship where we either share the other sides of ourselves or it doesn't really progress. Is that something that might just help? Besides that, therapy. Definitely will help

I know.compariaon is the thief of joy but I honestly had a good time at the weekend. Far better than I would if I'd tried to 'make an effort'. I don't mind other women looking better than me but I don't want to look like an idiot who thinks I'm part of that. If that makes sense.

I tell myself he wouldn't be with me if he didn't find me attractive and didn't find the whole of me attractive. But even his compliments remind me of the things I feel inadequate about.

The longer I'm with him the worse it gets.

I know I'd be ok if he ended it so I'm not even scared of that.

Also, this voice in your head telling you how you're not good enough. Have you ever taken a step back and had a good look at it? Where did it come from? Whose voice does it sound like? Does it ever have a single pleasant thing to say? If that voice were an outside person, how long would you keep them in your life? There's a lot of info about the inner critic available online, it might be worth looking up.

You say that you're happy single and that may genuinely be your preference. However, I wonder rather whether that is just where you feel safest. SORRY FOR THE POP PSYCHOLOGY and ignore me if you think I'm talking rubbish, but it sounds like, for reasons probably attributable to experiences you had growing up, you are very scared of the hurt that can come with a love relationship to the extent that you'd rather have no relationship than take the risk of being hurt. No-one likes being hurt or having their heart broken but most of us are comfortable taking that risk because of the upsides that come with being in a fulfilling relationship. Furthermore, we have learnt that heartbreak does pass with time and we usually learn some really good lessons on the journey. Frankly, if heartache didn't heal, pretty much the whole world would be grieving. However, it sounds like for you that kind of emotional pain has some kind of existential quality and you don't trust your own ability to heal.

Despite saying you're happy single, something has caused you to have relationships in the past and something has led you to this moment of being in a functional and fulfilling relationship.
This sounds like a relationship which is going well and leading to a crunch point where you could make some really useful breakthroughs in your self-image and learn to combat your tendency to self-sabotage.

When I am struggling with something in the moment and not sure what to do, something I've learnt over recent years is to cast my mind forward and say "when I'm looking back at this moment, what will I wish I had done?" I don't remember to do this as often as I should and I sure as hell wish I had used this trick more often in earlier years of parenting (my 2 are now mid to late teens) but it's proven to be a very useful tool when I've remembered to use it. I may be projecting but my sense is that if you were looking back on this moment a year from now, you would be annoyed with yourself if you just allow yourself and the relationship to succumb to your negative self-talk and your self-sabotage. If nothing else, I think you would feel you've lost a useful growth opportunity. Therapy is a great tool for understanding ourselves but we then have to act on what we are learning otherwise we get a bit stuck. The relationship doesn’t have to last forever – though it might – but it sounds like right now it is offering you a really good chance to grow and challenge old behaviours which hold you back. And I suspect you might regret not embracing that opportunity.

Thanks.

I know I will say that i should have made more effort to stay in the relationship and to get over what is bothering me but right now I can't. I can ignore it. And I can minimise the effects of it but that's all.

I'm not worried about being hurt or heartbroken. That's not what I'm scared of. I'm worried about letting other people down and being an embarrassment to them. I'm worried that he looks at me and touches and spends time with me and wishes I was different.

So you've decided to end the relationship? Do you want to be in one in future?

Oh no, I haven't decided to. I really don't want to and I'm trying hardest to manage hoe I feel but its really hard when I feel so bad about myself. I wish I felt worthy

Of course you are good enough and worthy but you do not believe that for your own self.

Who are you still worried about supposedly letting down?. Who taught you to put your own self last with their self interest first?. It sounds like you've been trained from an early age to do this as well.

Who told you that you were not good enough?. Such erroneous messages get internalised by the now adult children of abusive parents and this could be what has happened to you.

Do you think the previous counselling and therapy has actually addressed the crux of the matter or has it merely skimmed around the edge?.

My overthinking got way out of control when I was with my now ex although he wasn’t the nicest person. I’m in therapy and back on meds and think I’m better off single. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best xx

You sound like you already know it doesnt make logical sense that he would be saying he wants to be with you, but actually he doesnt really. Most of the time it seems to me like these kinds of thoughts are maladaptive self protection strategies. So then its like, well what do they protect you from? Ridicule? Shame? Whats the unbearable feeling/situation that you cant stand the idea of?

I think you're right. I think it's ridicule and shame that im scared of. The thought that he might be looking at me and thinking uncomplimentary things about me or wishing I looked more like someone else either real or imagined or that he loves me in spite of things about me rather than because of them. He'd never say any of these things to me even if he did think them but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

The therapy and counselling I've had means I can see that my thoughts are illogical and means I can manage them most of the time but it doesn't stop them from being there in the first place.

Unfortunately some basic thoughts and ideas never really 'go' per se? if they began in childhood they get very well wedged in. At least so ive found. For example ive suffered anxiety most of my adult life, partly as a result of a habit of catastrophic thinking, it came to a head 10 years ago when I had a breakdown, once I crawled out of that...it hasn't 'gone' but it just doesn't have the same power. I know what it is, and its got nothing to say to me thats useful. Its quite possible with therapeutic help and more time, you can reach a similar point with it?

It's all got too much for me today.

He messaged me at work yesterday to say we'd been invited out with some of his friends this evening. I've met two of the three of his friends a few times but only met one of the wives/girlfriends before.

I've not gone. So, instead of being four couples, it's three couples and him.

I didn't go for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I'd have had to leave to pick one of my children up from work at around 10.45pm (work finishes at 11.30pm so a reasonable drive from where they're going), which would have meant cutting the evening very short. He was planning on driving so I could have a drink. I wouldn't want to do the drive in the dark which is, i think, why he offered to drive. He hasn't been out with these friends for a proper night out since we've been together. So, realistically, he'll have a better evening without me there.

Secondly, he hasn't seen his friends socially properly for ages so the last thing he needed was me there really 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thirdly, (and this one is for me) I didn't really want to go and be the fattest and least attractive of all the wives/girlfriends ☹️

I just feel such shame that I don't feel I'm good enough. And I feel worse because he doesn't seem to see it.

I'm not staying in moping. I'm having a shower and going to catch a gig at a local pub before I pick up child which is only a 12 min drive from where I'll be.

I just feel so disgusted with myself 😞

To answer a previous question yes I was abused emotionally and physically as a child/teenager/young adult. I was never good enough.

I have spent many years in my own little world but it was lonely and, although I felt better about myself, I have craved a connection with someone.

I've never met anyone as open or loving as him but I feel he deserves such better than me and what I can bring to a relationship.

He's going to ask me tomorrow what I did tonight so I'm going to have to tell him I went out.

realistically he will have a better time without you?. The most logical prediction is that he will miss having you with him. Hes with you. He invited you. It means he wants you there. He was driving so you didnt have to.

Plus it may be quite awkward for him fielding questions about where you are. And then it turns out you went to a gig alone, last minute, instead?

From the outside it looks like you're ashamed of him rather than vice versa...do you see that?

Re your body, do you do anything movement wise that makes you feel good? Like, stretching, yoga, running? Weight loss doesn't come into it, its about feeling like you're actually in your body.

Also I notice you bow out or dress down specifically when women are at the event. Is it the women who you feel would look down on you?

Get counselling honestly. It will help

Have a read of this and see if any of the attachment styles describes resonates with you: brianamacwilliam.com/anxious-avoidant-relationship/

My DP can be a little bit like how you describe yourself. Thinks they are not good enough for their partner, doesn't deserve a nice relationship, often keeps loved ones at arm's length even though they care for them etc.

Try and see yourself through your partner's eyes and believe what they tell you when you're feeling 'like this'. They're in love with you and with you for a reason. Being vulnerable and truly close in a relationship can be extremely rewarding and can eventually feel secure and safe. It's just a bit of a journey to get there and can require stepping out of your comfort zone after the experiences that you've had, and sounds like at times you instinctively pull back.

No harm admitting to your partner that you don't always feel like going out and feel more comfortable being alone at times. Good partnerships meet halfway where there's a difference in needs.

I'm not sure how he'd read me being ashamed of him into it. That's absolutely not the case.

It's not about what other women would think about me either. It's about how I feel about myself and I worry that other people would observe that he has the least attractive woman. That's just how I feel. I jsit felt a huge sense of shame for not being better.

The last boyfriend I had would ignore me if we did things with his friends and was visibly embarrassed by me if we were with friends who had very slim and attractive girlfriends (which oddly seemed to be most of them!). It's the first time I'd have been that situation with him and I just panicked.

Try and see yourself through your partner's eyes and believe what they tell you when you're feeling 'like this'.

He has no idea I feel like this and I wouldn't tell him.