Why do I feel like this?

[StillTooWarm]

Don't even know what I'm asking here really.

I've been in a relationship for a just over a year which is damn near perfect in every way I need it to be. But I've never really had a proper relationship before. I've always dated men I could keep at a distance (either because they or I weren't that invested or because of distance etc).

I always thought it would be nice to be in a proper relationship. I love him and I know he loves me but I feel that I don't really know how to be in a relationship. I mean, I am myself. I can be myself. I don't find being with him stifling but I have this constant feeling that I'm not good enough - physically, sexually, emotionally, romantically etc.

I'm not seeing him during the week this week. He was busy last night and tonight and I'm busy tomorrow and Thursday. It feels strange and I hate being in the house on my own - I just go to bed really early. But I'm having constant intrusive thoughts of ending it and that I'd be better off alone and he'd be better of without me.

I don't have any fear that he isn't interested because he says he wants to spend he rest of his life with me and has shown that he is committed in lots of ways. And I don't feel stifled by this. I find it quite comforting. But I have this constant thought that I'm making a mistake and I should be on my own.

The more he says he loves me or shows other signs of commitment, the more I feel that I'm not up standard.

As an example, we went out at the weekend to an Oktoberfest event. Everyone was dressed up including him but i couldnt bring myself to wear the outfit i wore so i wore my normal clothes and kept my coat and scarf. I knew that i wouldnt look as good as the other women there so, in my head, it was more comfortable to not even try. If that makes sense. I'm finding that happening more and more 😕

The other women did look great BTW and I wouldn't have looked as good as them. I didn't regret my decision and he was ok with it. I know he was disappointed but all he suggested was that I took my outfit with me in case I decided I wanted to get changed while I was there.

Plus it may be quite awkward for him fielding questions about where you are

I doubt anyone will be that bothered tbh!

He'd already told them we'd have to leave early and the reason why. Me not going so that he didn't have to leave early won't be frowned upon. I'm sure they'd rather spend more time with him than less time with us both when they don't know me.

We were supposed to go to a gig with one couple (whose wife I've met) a couple of weeks ago and I didn't go to that either. The three of them went alone and they had a really good time. So I'm sure they're not that bothered.

I don't want this to become something I always do but I really don't want to go and feel like a spare part or in the way or just not good enough.

At some point you have to recognise that you feel like this because you've been trained to feel like this.

You had to hide everything about yourself, your real self, and the voice of that real self, when you were being abused. And you do the same now, because revealing your true self is simply too dangerous. You are using a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation in a new, healthy situation.

What you are feeling is common amongst abuse survivors, and can be unpicked and repaired. You're normal, that's the first thing to remember. The only thing that's wrong is what happened to you. Nothing about you yourself.

Watchkeys

Thank you. Your post makes sense but how do I deal with all the "yeah but..."s that flood into my head when I read that?

How do I distinguish between what's real and what not?

How do I distinguish between what's real and what not

Every argument you have can be countered with the line 'There's nothing wrong with me'.

Can you define what you mean by 'real'? And an example of the 'yeah but's? I just want to get clear exactly what you're asking before answering anything.

The way you distinguish between what is real and what is not…

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/what-is-reality-testing-why-is-it-important#accept-cookies

A very seriously life changing tool to employ.

The yeah buts?

No one has ever loved me. My family didn't; I can't keep friendships; people aren't interested; I've never had a proper relationship partly because I've kept them at a distance but even when I haven't, I've never had a good or proper relationship.

I went out with someone a couple of years ago who just ran me down constantly. None of the push/pull, just the push. We went put with his friends a couple of times and he was obviously embarrassed by me. Wouldn't hold my hand in public and if I ever took his, would drop it as soon as anyone came into view. He would tell me how beautiful his friends wives and partner were but didn't tell me I even looked nice He took me to the ballet and spent the whole night afterwards talking about how beautiful the dancers were and how he'd 'snap' them because they were so tiny and delicate. He was utterly captivated and made it obvious afterwards that he was disgusted by me. Suggested I could look like them if I tried. I obviously couldn't, I have a totally different body shape and build to professional ballerinas!

Before him, I dated a man who wouldn't be seen out with me in his village in case anyone he knew saw me. I met his dad, his adult children and his ex wife who were all decent lovely people so it wasn't because he was hiding someone else from me, his ex wife and previous girlfriends had been slim and very attractive.

I dated a man years ago who told me that he had always dated beautiful women and they'd always cheated on him. He was confident I wouldn't cheat on him because I wouldn't have the opportunity.

There are many examples in between. This isn't in my head.

The what's real or not. When my boyfriend tells me he loves or that I'm beautiful or that he loves X about me, those are all the things other people (everyone) have criticised me for, including my mum who said those things made unlovable and would mean I'd be alone forever (unless I at least tempered my personality to make me more agreeable). Which I never did. I just thought fuck iand d accepted I'd be alone.

I think this man is with me now because he's older and thinks he probably couldn't do any better. He tells me heoves me and wants to spend the restnof his life with me. But I don't think he would if he knew all this was in my head.

I don't want his friends to get to know me and wonder why he's with me. I'd rather he went out with them and had a good time with them. They've been his friends for years. I don't want them to look at me and wonder why he's with me when he previously went out with x, y or z. I don't want him to feel embarrassed by me or ashamed of me. I don't want other people to think negative things about him because of me.

Even my friends have observed the negative physical and personal qualities about me. They've not criticised me per se, but they've been observed so they're not in my head.

Some of the things I couldnt bring up with him because I don't want him to feel uncomfortable reassuring me when he privately agrees with them. I think he's only complimenting me on those things because he knows they're unattractive and is trying to make me feel good about myself. There are other things he never mentions because it would be obvious he's lying.

My boyfriend has never criticised me. Last week he did observe that I always wear the same one dress when we go out. It's true. I do. But it's because doing so reduces my anxiety about going out and being seen in public. Not because I think I look amazing in it. It's a very ordinary dress but because I know that I'm 'unremarkable' in it. It's flattering shape wise but it's never going to attract any attention. No one is going to wonder why I've made an effort when I look like I do. No one is going to think I've made an effort and feel an expectation to compliment me. But now I feel self conscious about wearing it which is also part of the reason I didn't go last night. I feel I've lost my 'safety blanket'.

Thanks. Ive just read the article I'm aware of the reality testing. And I do use it when it's appropriate but when I've heard the things so many times before that reality has been tested many times and always with the same result.

So, from what you've said, what is 'real' or 'not real' to you is a collation of other people's opinions about you?

That's all I've got.

And it's real to me too. I never criticise myself to other people or talk negatively about myself. Apparently I come across as quite confident to most people except that people who do criticise me always criticise the sane things.

But what does 'real' mean to you in this sense? If 10 people say you're stupid, does it mean you're stupid? Couldn't they be stupid to think that?

If someone tells you you're ugly, you might think they're right, but if they tell you your hair is pink with yellow spots, you'll think they're wrong. Where's reality? Where's the knowledge about your beauty? Where's the knowledge about your hair colour? Surely you are the one who knows your hair colour, and doubts your beauty? So it's what you think that dictates whether they are right or wrong to tell you that?

So all this is about what you think of you. Not what other people think of you.

Yes. It is about what I think about myself.

But it's also lot more specific than 'ugly'. If someone says my hair is pink with yellow spots and I look in the mirror and also seek hair that is pink with yellow spots. Well, it wouldn't be wrong.

If I hate the fact my hair is pink with yellow spots then even if someone says "I love your hair! It's pink with yellow spots!" I'm still reminded of the fact it's pink with yellow spots and I hate it.

And the truth is, no one is saying that they love my hair that is pink with yellow spots. It's a lot more "Oh, isn't your hair pink... And doesn't it have yellow spots..." as they hand me a hat.

Or worse still, "I saw some lovely bobbles today. They'd look really good in a pony tail. I love pony tails. But your hair is pink with yellow spots..."

And my favourite "I notice you never wear your hair in a pony tail. I never see you in a pony tail. Why don't you wear your hair in a pony tail? Is it because it's pink with yellow spots?"

So yes, it is what I think about myself but it's also what other people think of me too.

If it hadn't been reinforced by everyone including my mum who was the first to buy me bobbles and then take them from me telling me they just made my hair look pinker and spottier only to suggest I always wore a hat instead, then maybe I'd be less bothered about it.

So, yes, it is how I feel about myself but it's also negatively observed by other people too.

I'd just rather not put myself in situations where complete strangers are also noticing that my hair is pink with yellow spots. Especially as sometimes they comment on it too.

And I don't want people looking at boyfriend wondering why he's with someone whose hair is pink with yellow spots. Wondering why he couldn't do better than that.

Is your hair actually pink with yellow spots though? If not, you're living in a fantasy world where everyone hates you. The men who were clearly demeaning you on purpose- there's been a lot, you chose them, and chose to stick with them because you believed their BS. Now you are with a healthy man who doesn't do that, you make it up in your head instead.
What's real? The BS your ex's said - they really were being abusive. What's not real - all the stuff going on in your head. It's real if it's something he has said, it's not real if it's a thought you are having - simple as that.

Metaphorically and objectively, yes it is.

I never say anything about it because I'm so self conscious about it and hate it so much. But other people notice and comment - my mum; my friends; complete strangers; boyfriends. I had a strangers child comment on it once.

It's just a really unattractive feature and it does seem to be a bit of a sticking point when it comes to relationships developing.

Even if someone likes most other aspects of me, this seems to be a problem.

My boyfriend has commented positively on it (not quite said he loves it) but then has also teased me about it on a couple of occasions. I can't blame him for that. He has no idea I'm sensitive about it and I don't behave as though I am but, even still, it makes me feel bad and wonder if the positive comments are intended to reassure me rather than genuine.

It's got to the point where, if we have sex, I don't know if it's because he fancies me or he just feels horny and I'm there.

He's a bit older than me and said his sex drive isn't what it was, which I understand and expect, but I don't know what makes him want sex with me one day but then not others.

Like I said, it's my first proper relationship. I've never had sex with the same person for this long before. I just don't know.

And I don't know if that's something I can as about! Part of me worries he doesn't really fancy me and part of me is genuinely just curious.

There is nothing making him tell you he loves you or any of the nice things about you. He is saying them because he believes them. People always say when someone tells you what they are like, believe them. This works in positive situations too. No one is holding a gun to his head to make him be with you. If he didn't want you to go out with his friends, he wouldn't ask you, he is still going on his own anyway. They might have still had a good time but they might have had a better time with you there. But at the end of the day, nothing anyone else says will make you believe these things. I really think you should go back to therapy to talk through this specific situation.

I am so sorry for the way you have been treated in the past, it sounds so awful. From what you have written you do sound like a nice person so I hope, with all of my heart, that you can accept you and accept that someone else loves you.

Check out Brene Brown's Ted Talks on shame - they're incredible.

There truly is nothing wrong with you, you deserve to have some self-compassion and be kinder to yourself.

This awful, awful internal critic is lying to you. I know, I had one too.

I kicked mine out after realising I had two choices - keep listening to it and feeling unworthy and not good enough for the rest of my life, or not listening, and creating a new narrative where I'm actually okay, exactly as I am, flaws and all.

The thing is, you can't read peoples minds. You dont know what they're thinking but you're operating as if you do.

Confirmation bias will also be happening, the mind will infer a tone, a meaning, around a thing it has deep seated shame over. Its possible as well that with your previous partners who shamed you for it, it at least felt familiar to you? At least you could 'trust' them? Since it confirmed your own suspicions.

We are all built differently. Some of us are smaller or larger. Some of us have big or little noses. Some of us have pink hair with yellow spots. We are all different to one another in some form. I used to have dreadful teeth, a left over from a childhood where noone cared enough to make sure they were looked after. I knew people saw it, as did I. Eventually (at 41) I got them fixed bevause I had the money but in the meantime...People still loved me as I was. An ex even referred to me playfully as snaggletooth. It didn't make me unlovable or unfanciable. I just wasnt for everyone. Noone is. It will be the same for you, for all of us to some degree. We aren't built to perfect cultural standards. But there are still people that love and fancy us.

Based on what you said above you're assuming your fella is basically not interested really but you're a convenient shag and he can't do better? That's quite a damning view of someone's character. Do you have any evidence that he's that shallow in other areas of his life? Or does he seem principled?

That makes sense...

Obviously it is how I feel about myself that is the problem.

My boyfriend is very sincere in relationships. He has stated he wants this to be long term but I'm finding it hard to reconcile that with last experiences, I think.

I'm going to listen to the TED talks later.