Feel so upset now

[Feeloverit]

I have spoken about this many times on here.

Met a guy say 9 years ago on dating site I was interested in him to be honest. I was actually just dating many different guys kind of had gone off the rails due to splitting with son's father.

So then the time I said let's see if this guy still available he said sorry he getting married. I didn't fancy him as didn't know him at all.

Then bumped into him at a bus stop he said hi but said didn't you get married. From there think he led me to believe he separated from the wife. Well things didn't seem good for newly married man he didn't seem. Stupid allowed him to come and see me in my temporary flat. As I was going through a lot probably lonely etc. We danced, kissed and yes he tried it on said no. I pressed him and discovered he still married living with the wife. He had a call left and I cut him off.

Then he contacted me saying he was at an event met him and yes stupidly went to hang out with him but then said sorry you enjoy yourself let me go home. Didn't feel right just felt all wrong. Then again following year same event he messages me again. This time I say to him sorry I am dating someone.

Before lockdown he messages so think this guy just won't leave me alone. Let me just talk to him never really got to know him properly. He put me in friends zone straight but weary of intentions. I got engaged and done this ceremony through my DP church. So told this friend think he was surprised but wish me the best.

We got closer but suppose I felt bad he seemed to remember so much about me. He started coming in my work place felt stupid for telling him where I work. Then I wondered what does he want. I met him once after as he brought his little boy in to get his wife a card from his son. Didn't really talk much he seemed stressed his little boy playing up so said bye went home.

The conversation was always through this social media site as I added me stupidly. He looked at at my stories comment always messaging then he make comments. If I said couldn't sleep he would say stuff about my sex life. I laughed it off but didn't respond. He seemed jealous too and once had said he saw me with him but couldn't say hi. The way he said it was like we were having an affair. We are friends you could of said hi my guy not the jealous type.

I also had a face to face talk about what are we. I was confused he said we friends but with a grin on his face he does flirt. After that he totally backed off well he kind of did before but I became dependent on him. Maybe started to like him more than I should. But actually put the whole what are we on him. The only thing I said was I felt closer to him now than years ago. In lockdown we spoke about him cooking and that he like my DP his wife like his cooking.
His birthday day after mine and we would wish each other happy birthday.

So I am upset whatever it was it has gone although he said he there he backed off. I don't know if I have feelings but miss him. He online doesn't talks to me and if I do it's like not the same.
I been upset as if he wanted to get me back for rejecting him years ago this time it worked..I told him too much about my DP and how things wasn't great.

I feel stupid to have got close to him. Don't know what it was but he said we are friends.

I think I expected too much from him. This not a friendship is it?

wasn't interested

Should explain after cutting him off it was a few years later in message out of the blue.

No he's not a friend. He doesn't sound likevv nc someone you would want as friend.

It's not a friendship like any I've ever had.

Men I'm friends with would say 'Hi' when they saw me out with my partner, and my partner would know who they are.

My male friends wouldn't make booty-calls on me. Ever.

You're sad because you've invested way too much time and energy thinking about this man who has made booty calls on you, and who knows he has you dangling on a string by memorising a few things about you.

Focus on what's right (or wrong) in your current (actual) relationship and move on from there.

you can’t just shrug off your responsibility in all this by saying you “stupidly” did this or that. You did those things because you wanted to. While it was stupid you say it as though it sort of happened and you couldn’t help yourself.

im not surprised things aren’t good with your DP either you’ve been carrying on an emotional affair with this other bloke for years.

You can't excuse your part in this by saying stupidly. Block him on everything and move on.

No, he doesn't sound like a friend. Since you reconnected he's clearly not interested in having anything more with you (he put you "in the friend zone", saying you're just friends when you asked, backing off after you had a chat about your feelings for him, he doesn't seem to want to engage much now), but it also sounds like he might have been keeping you dangling for the ego boost you being obviously attracted to him was providing. It does sound like you've been reading into his behaviour a lot while ignoring what he's actually been saying to you too, though?

Just block him! Either he's being a dick and stringing you along (in which case he's not a friend), or you've misinterpreted his interest as attraction when he's been telling you consistently that you're just friends ever since you got back in touch. Either way you're both in relationships, this isn't ever going to go anywhere, it's messing with your head, take control of the situation and put an end to it by blocking him.

The two of you are playing with fire. You and him are both keeping up this contact and flirtatious friendship despite having partners. He isn’t doing anything to you. Nothing more than you are doing to him.

either let your partner go so he can find someone who actually loves him and wants to be with him or decide once and for all to never contact this guy again and to block him so he can’t contact you.

I can’t work out if you are married or just had ‘ceremony’ that means nothing. But you made a commitment (even if not a legal one) to your dp while emotionally being involved with this other man.

You and the other man are playing games behind partners back (when you have had them). You have both been too emotionally invested in other people to be in serious relationships.

You both need to grow up. This isn’t just the other man’s fault. You could have blocked him at anytime. Why didn’t you?

This man provides you with something, probably an ego boost. Either sort your relationship out or end it and break away from this man

If you’re not happy with DP, address the issues or move on and find a relationship that fulfils you. A mature, successful relationship will not need this kind of distraction and need for constant external interest.

@WhatTheHellIsAQuasar

My problems with DP wasn't because of him.

It's an emotional affair.

Also yes, accept your part in this. Taking accountability will, I think, be a really good way for you to start to see the situation more clearly.

If you had integrity regarding your partner, you wouldn't have entertained this situation of flirting and sniffing around each other going on behind his back with another man.

A good rule of thumb if ever querying whether you're crossing a line- ask yourself 'would I like it if a partner was doing the exact same? And 'could I tell him about this interaction in full?' If the answer is 'no' to either, then why not?

This why I had the what are we talk. I was confused as what kind of friendship. But can't fully blame him when I have looked at our conversations it's like I was flirting but not meant to be that way.

I should be happy he backed off but instead feel upset. I created him as my something he wasn't in my head.

I try each day not to think of him. If I see him online just it upsets me he don't talk to me like before. I have created a fantasy in my head too.
Apart from years ago we were had that thing now we both having gone there but yes got emotionally invested in him.

But he would turn our conversations into sex talk about me and my guy that's what got me uncomfortable. So ignored it but use to say feel sorry for your wife. I made comments at the beginning saying I know what your like. Again that moment obviously we had still in my head and how upset he made me feel then I should of addressed it first.

I honestly used him a bit too. So it was both of us.

Now it's just like we are strangers again. We don't talk probably for the best I suppose but feel cut up.

I will concentrate on other issues I have going on with my DP.

My problems with DP wasn't because of him.

But it is a symptom. As pp said this is an emotional affair and you must own up to your part in it if you have any hope of understanding why you have been behaving this way.

"I try each day not to think of him. If I see him online just it upsets me" - so just block him! Honestly, this is coming off as juvenile now. There's no reason for you to still have him on your social media after all of this, you're upsetting yourself by not taking any action, as others have said you're playing with fire with regards to your relationship. Just get rid and stop prolonging the drama!

I find it very hard to believe this hasn’t caused issues in your relationship with your partner. If you’re giving half your attention to some other bloke, how can you say it’s nothing to do with it?

I do think this guy also reminds me of the past. When I went through a lot he the only guy also who knew me back then whom talks to me now. I told him back then I was mess. I was living in temporary flat was a complete mess. He said no you wasn't but told him yes I was.

It's not like we didn't ask each other about our partners or children. We did normally just chat about him cooking and he use to say his wife likes his cooking. I use to say I like my partner. Some parts seemed normal friendship but he ruined it with seeming concerned about my sex life.

One time I messaged him and he said I went past your work to check on you. I responded lol. I kind of knew it and this why I never told him when I was working.

None of us suggested meeting up only I did for the what are we talk. But suppose it didn't go well because I wasn't completely honest with him and don't think he was either. I asked are you friends with me because you want to sleep with me. He said no we are friends and our connection is we are a like.

How the hell did I end up liking him when he was the one chasing me? I ask myself just what was that and why do I feel so bad now when he doesn't talk to me each day.
I think we both are wrong but think I relied on him too much.
Like now there something I want to talk to him about as I told him too much about a situation with my DP. But feel maybe because it has got weird between us best not too.
I stupidly thought he was talking to someone else when we last spoke. His response didn't seem for me. But then it went weird won't like feel jealous. For me now it's the what if hanging over my head. I missed the boat could of dated him so apart from one time which he lied about nothing romantically ever happened between us.
I know he happy now and not to say I am not I am. Just miss him don't even know why. Not like he took me out for coffee he didn't do anything just person I off loaded on from time to time. He said he always be there for me which also makes me think he waiting for me to split up with DP. I just feel so messed up and to why I just can't go a day without thinking of him. Another talk in person would definitely end whatever this was.

Thanks all for your advice. You all right I know if letting go of him is me letting go of the past too.

Block him. Consider whether you really want to be with your partner. Get some counselling if you have a difficult past to work through. Stop it with the 'stupidly' every time you've crossed a line into inappropriate behaviour or conversation. It's a lack of boundary keeping and loyalty to your partner, not ignorance. Build a suitable support network who you can talk to rather than seeing some creepy bloke as a genuine friend.

@WhatTheHellIsAQuasar

He hasn't because my DP doesn't care he got female friends and how I feel. He snatched my phone out my hands once saw a bit of our conversation and just laughed. My guy what drove me to this male friend in first place.

It's just moving on forgetting this guy an issue. Somehow I still think he will rescue me he won't.

My guy what drove me to this male friend in first place

The man you met 9 years ago, well before you met your current partner? come off it. You need to take some responsibility for your choices and actions.

It sounds like you have had a difficult time in the past (and perhaps still are?) but this man is NOT YOUR FRIEND. He is a chancer who has no interest in you except to keep you emotionally invested, as an ego boost for himself and a disctration when he's feeling bored. He is not going to ride in on a big white horse and rescue you.

If you need rescuing from a situation, you need to do it yourself. If you're not happy with your partner, think about ways to leave. Live your own life, for yourself, not some random bloke who is happy to keep stringing you along.

You don't seem to take any responsibility for your own agency in all this?

We are both of blame.

Yes now I being stupid thinking he be someone to fall on my current relationship was to end. He not a friend why I questioned it with him.

I do think once I let go of him I can let go of the past. I mean someone else I was seeing another complicated situation but at least I know with him it's was nothing he didn't say we friends. Think both me and that guy know we couldn't be we crossed that line. Yes I only follow this guy because of his music nothing else.

Yet this male friend it's like more complicated kind of wished we slept together then the bridge would of been burnt. This not a friendship at all.

We may stop talking for years but can't have him popping up and even I need to fight the urge to not contact him.

I hope in time we both drift apart forget each other. We going to need another talk if this carries on.

Honestly, from what you’ve written it sounds like since you got back in touch this time (stop analysing behaviour from before then, it’s not relevant to now - he might have been interested in the past, it doesn’t mean he still is) he’s been trying to be JUST friends with you and has been really consistent in trying to make sure you know that. (It also sounds like he’s realised a friendship with you isn’t a possibility any more).

You’ve said he made it clear he was only interested in being friends as soon as you reconnected this time around.
You’re upset because he noticeably backed off immediately after “I asked are you friends with me because you want to sleep with me. He said no we are friends”, and he’s since continued to back off even more to the point that he's not even talking to you anymore.
This isn’t the behaviour of someone who’s hoping for a romantic or sexual relationship, this looks more like someone who realised you got the wrong idea, possibly realised you weren’t going to let go of that idea no matter how much he tried to explain that he wasn’t interested, and has been trying to distance himself from you as a result.

If a man was posting like this about a woman: ignoring everything she’s said, ignoring that she’s distanced herself (and now seems to want nothing to do with him at all), while he’s still desperately looking for signs that she’s interested in him (and going over things that happened a decade ago), saying he thought she was lying when she said she saw him as a friend? We’d be telling him to stop being a creep and to never contact her again.

“can't have him popping up/I need to fight the urge to not contact him/I hope in time we both drift apart forget each other.” - if you don’t want him popping up, you don’t want to contact him, and you hope you’ll forget each other: JUST BLOCK HIM.

“We going to need another talk if this carries on” If WHAT carries on!? You’ve said said he’s backed off so completely that he’s not talking to you (in your own words: “Now it's just like we are strangers again. We don't talk probably for the best…”). If he’s not even talking to you any more, what the fuck do you think is ‘carrying on’ and what would you need to have a talk with him about!?

Really great advice from @ponyrabbit

@Feeloverit are you sure you're not misinterpreting his behaviour and what he's saying to you? What were the circumstances when he went to your temporary flat and he tried it on? Do you think he was tempted in the moment because he was close to you and alone with you? When men try it on, it doesn't always mean they have a thing for you. Sometimes it just means that they get aroused and tempted.
When he talks about his wife liking his cooking - that doesn't seem to be the sort of thing to say if he's interested in you romantically, does it?
When you said to him you felt sorry for his wife as you know what he is like, how did he respond to you?

@ponyrabbit

You are right because I struggled thinking of that one moment we had.
I couldn't separate that and moving on just being friends. I still felt upset he lied.

He more private about his wife. But think when we chat online I do make a point of asking how his family are. He more talks about his child and I do too.

I remember saying my DP gone away and he made a joked about coming over. It's things he said why I said I needed the what are we talk.

I don't believe he wanted friendship I do believe he wanted sex. But realized he won't be getting that backed. First lockdown we spoke everyday. We talked about cooking etc. Sounds mad but miss that. We did always talk about our children and partners he was more private than me. He seems quite happy now. But second lockdown he went back to work but remember feeling sad we never spoke. It's strange if I don't message him he would.

I just relied on him touch and set expectations up. I stupidly started liking him more than I should too. Why I don't know the label of friends was also questionable.

Don't think I ever had a guy who payed attention to each detail about me. I didn't even fancy him in that way just felt I should properly get to know him even if he said we are friends. I found out he not bad but separating how he was how I was and being friends.

It's like I will go on this social media site and don't feel the enjoyment of it no more we don't talk. I have to log out it's quite painful.

Probably best I sort myself out whatever this was. Sometimes I feel on top of this then it gets too much. I miss him can't say hanging out we never did that really. Just a chat in town but nothing bad. Even when he gave me advice he actually seemed he meant every word then I walked of went home. He never said nothing like let's go here do this.