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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Two months into dating…feel confused

51 replies

summersunshine46 · 31/10/2022 21:30

I posted about this guy a little while ago, but we’ve been dating now for 2 months. When I’m with him it feels really good and I literally feel on cloud 9. Then when I leave I feel all confused about what it is. It’s only been 2 months so I don’t want to put a label on it. But in the early days you expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows (which it is when I’m with him). But I come away and feel really rubbish and I can’t put my finger on it. We tend to have lots of wine so it might be hangxiety when I come away but even a couple of days later I start to feel really anxious.

Has anybody experienced this before? He literally takes over my thoughts and I know this sounds really sad but it’s taking over my sleep etc. I suspect he’s dating other people - but after 2 months I don’t want to bring that conversation up in case it scares him away. He’s told me he really likes me and I believe him but I just feel super anxious.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 31/10/2022 21:44

How frequentely do you meet up, OP? It sounds like there's not much communication between the dates - is that what makes it so stressful for you?

JamSandle · 31/10/2022 21:45

It sounds like you need a direct conversation with him. Do you want to be exclusive?

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 31/10/2022 21:50

We meet up 2-3 times per week. There is lots of communication between our dates, all texts, he has also rang a few times. I think it’s because we are always really jokey. We normally go for dinner and after a couple of drinks he always tells me how much he likes me. I don’t know why I just really stress out when I leave.

OP posts:
heretohelp22 · 31/10/2022 21:51

What is the communication like when you're not together? Could this be causing it?

Do you usually feel like when dating/ in a relationship? Could it be any of your own insecurities?

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 31/10/2022 21:51

@JamSandle i would like to be exclusive yes , even though that scares me so much as I don’t want to get hurt. I feel like if we’re not exclusive I can’t get hurt. And I’m also scared he may run a mile if I bring that conversation up

OP posts:
Original poster
summersunshine46 · 31/10/2022 22:06

@heretohelp22 ive been single for 2 years and Ive dated but I’ve never really been that interested in anybody, I think it may be because he’s the first person I’ve liked in a very very long time, so I’m probably just freaking out and over analysing everything. The communication is throughout the day, just normal conversations and then normally of an evening when we’re both not working we will message then. I think that he seems really into me when we’re together, I just don’t know how to bring the conversation up about ‘what are we’ without it being off putting

OP posts:
Unforgettablehamster · 31/10/2022 22:38

I’d after 2 months of frequent contact such conversation isn’t at least welcome by him (if not initiated) then he’s not they interested OP. Don’t overanalyse it.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 31/10/2022 22:52

@Unforgettablehamster Hes always initiated the dates and told me he really likes me, but I’ve been playing it very cool with him, so I think for me to mention exclusivity he will have a shock

OP posts:
minticecreamisjustok · 31/10/2022 22:59

You have to face up and think, you are more likely to get hurt by avoiding the talk in the long run, if he doesn't want to be exclusive then don't be anyones second best.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 23:01

I suspect he’s dating other people - but after 2 months I don’t want to bring that conversation up in case it scares him away.

What?!!

You feel anxious after seeing him, you feel unable to have the 'are we exclusive' chat, you think he's screwing around, you need to drink every time you get together - all this & it's only been 2 months?

Why are you forcing this when your entire system is screaming at you to exit this relationship?

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 31/10/2022 23:02

@minticecreamisjustok That’s what I was thinking, but my only worry is that it might just develop naturally and any external pressure might ruin it?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 31/10/2022 23:08

OP, I think you need to chill. It is only 2 months. If he wants to be exclusive, he will bring it up in due course. In the meantime, date other men (since you think he is dating other women) so that he is not the sole focus of your efforts. If he sees or senses that other men are interested, it often increases your desirability.

I don't mean play games. Just live your best life and not assume he is part of it. If he wants to be part of it, he knows where to find you.

minticecreamisjustok · 31/10/2022 23:10

It's only being exclusive, it's not like you're asking him to marry you, it's basic level, like me enough to see how things go without the pressure of other people in the mix. If he's a decent guy and likes you enough, there shouldn't be a problem, if you do scare him off, then hes not worth keeping.

TheHappyLoser · 31/10/2022 23:14

But if you do scare him off asking him about exclusivity, so?
Surely it's better to find out sooner rather than later, especially as this situation is causing you a lot of stress?
There will be others, don't let your standards drop so that your health suffers.

FlowerArranger · 31/10/2022 23:15

2 months of dating - but you are not exclusive......... do you have sex? If you are, I find this whole relationship really strange.

These are your words:

I feel all confused about what it is
feel really rubbish
feel really anxious
it’s taking over my sleep
that scares me so much as I don’t want to get hurt
scared he may run a mile if I bring that conversation up

we are always really jokey
he seems really into me when we’re together
I’ve been playing it very cool with him, so I think for me to mention exclusivity he will have a shock

So, this man is making you feel beyond anxious, and you are not really communicating on any meaningful level. Joking around, flirting, but not really connecting, and you are trying to the play the part of someone you think he'll like, rather than being your real self.

What IS the point? Why would you want to twist and pretzel yourself for someone who makes you so anxious and confused you can't sleep?

Can't you see that raising the subject of exclusivity will bring clarity - and any kind of clarity will be less stressful than the current state of confusion.

MamOfTeens · 31/10/2022 23:16

There is a dating thread on here with suggested rules and a good one is:

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

If things are going to be ruined by asking a fairly straightforward question at this stage then they are not worth pursuing anyway.

blueshoes · 31/10/2022 23:47

Was the joking subtly at your expense, OP?

AreWeThereYet69 · 31/10/2022 23:51

OP it sounds to me as if this could be your own anxiety and it's not being helped by the wine!
I find I can get quite anxious the day after a couple of drinks and I think that happens to a lot of women.
How about trying a few sober dates and see if that affects how you feel?
I do agree with others posters too regarding the exclusivity chat. I normally have it very early on as multi dating isn't my thing.
Good luck

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 01/11/2022 07:13

@blueshoes no the joking has never been at my expense.

@AreWeThereYet69 yeah I’m hoping it’s my own anxiety as I’m defintley over analysing everything. We are seeing each other tomorrow and not drinking so hopefully I come away feeling much better. He’s asked me to go a wedding evening do with him at weekend so I might try and broach the subject, I just don’t know how to do it!

OP posts:
AllSoComplicated · 01/11/2022 07:23

I had a relationship where I felt anxious for ages. It was the first (and only) post divorce. Similarly I think I played it cool..we finally had a conversation about everything and totally fell for each other. But it didn't last. Mainly because we were mismatched in communication.

He still rings all the time. I still love him but I don't see him in person anymore. I know he can't commit and that makes me unhappy. And I mean commit in a simple form. Commit to the relationship. Not move in or get married or anything.

If you have ever read or follow attachment theory..it's v interesting. I'd say I tend towards being anxious but it's triggered by someone avoidant.

I think you've had some good advice. Be yourself. Be honest. If it doesn't work after that you've lost nothing if you have been authentic.

TedMullins · 01/11/2022 15:33

You need to change your mindset about this. Stop worrying about what he might think or scaring him off, and prioritise what YOU want. So ask him if he wants to be exclusive. If he says no, then he’s not the right person for you because he can’t give you what you need.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 01/11/2022 19:51

@TedMullins Yeah very true, I need to put myself first, thank you for re-framing this.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 02/11/2022 12:46

It sounds like it going really well and there's nothing to worry about - he's in touch all the time, open about liking you. I can't see why wouldnt know how to frame it regarding exclusiity - people usually just ask just that, if you want it to be in your usual jokey style - you can be playful rater than very serious in your tone.

Just ask 'So what do you think, do you want to be exclusive?'. Maybe after he says he likes you (as he does that often). Or 'As you like me so much, does it mean we aer exculsive?' - in a light smiley way.

CatAndHisKit · 02/11/2022 12:46

sorry for typos.

gloriouswinter · 02/11/2022 14:29

A few thoughts! Firstly, why not have a few dates without alcohol? You need to know if you actually like this guy when you're sober!

Secondly, you don't necessarily need to have the exclusivity chat right now but you could just say 'are you seeing other people as well as me?' Possibly part of your anxiety is stemming from not knowing what this is and if it's ok to give a bit of your heart.

If he says yes he is, you can explain you're not and take it from there.