Two months into dating…feel confused

[summersunshine46]

I posted about this guy a little while ago, but we’ve been dating now for 2 months. When I’m with him it feels really good and I literally feel on cloud 9. Then when I leave I feel all confused about what it is. It’s only been 2 months so I don’t want to put a label on it. But in the early days you expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows (which it is when I’m with him). But I come away and feel really rubbish and I can’t put my finger on it. We tend to have lots of wine so it might be hangxiety when I come away but even a couple of days later I start to feel really anxious.

Has anybody experienced this before? He literally takes over my thoughts and I know this sounds really sad but it’s taking over my sleep etc. I suspect he’s dating other people - but after 2 months I don’t want to bring that conversation up in case it scares him away. He’s told me he really likes me and I believe him but I just feel super anxious.

@summersunshine46 have a read of this and see if this reads familiar at all: brianamacwilliam.com/anxious-avoidant-relationship/

Is it the case that you like him more/ care about him more than previous partners? Are you maybe going through a life stage with lots of change and your self-esteem/ mood isn't as high as usual? Think back to when you first met - were you really into him, or did it feel like he was more into you initially? Are there any reasons why you maybe can't see a future with him?

Seems like you see each other with good frequency, stay in touch etc, so in the surface seems like all is going well. I'd say read around as to why you might be feeling like this.

Becoming more self-aware saved my relationship.

If what you want scares him off, you're not compatible. It's that simple.

If you can't talk about what you want with him, how do you expect to have a relationship with him? Will it all be about things being how he wants them, with no regard to how you feel at all?

No wonder you're anxious: you're completely dismissing all your feelings. You're dismissing what you want in the relationship. You're dismissing your need to talk to him about it. You're dismissing your need to be understood, and respected, and listened to. You're dismissing your need to sleep peacefully at nights. You're dismissing your need to feel calm.

Why are you dismissing you? How do you expect anybody else to do things that make you feel good, when you don't even listen to yourself about it?

I would say to him 'I want to stop seeing other people and concentrate on this relationship, is that something you want to do too?'
Just do it OP, if he's not sure or wants to keep his options open then he's not for you and the sooner you find out the better. You sound very intense over this though and i'm not sure it's healthy - are you in a good place?

@Choconut When I met him I was going through a lot of rubbish with my ex (DDs dad) so I went to the date (after 2 years of not dating) not in the best place and the drinks were flowing and I feel I may have put him on a pedestal. I was in intense counselling at the time.

My life is very full, I have my daughter, a really good support system around me with family and friends, and a brilliant career. I just don’t want to be sucked into thinking he’s ‘rescued’ me from a really dark patch I was in, I think that’s why I’ve put so much emphasis on this. But I’m just trying not to overthink and analyse it.

@WhiteChocMocha That link has really helped thank you.
Yeah I do like him more than previous partners. Yeah Ive been really into him since we met. He's told me he likes me every time we've seen each other, whereas Ive been a bit more shut off about talking about things like that. The only thing putting me off a future with him is because I have this little niggly feeling that he may be a little bit of a player, he has a lot of female friends and can be quite vague at times but then lots of details at other times.

Just ask him if he is seeing other people as you'd like to be exclusive!

@OrlandointheWilderness Even after 2 months?

I checked with my now-boyfriend that we were exclusive after we first had sex...which was date 3. I have no interest in sleeping with someone who's sleeping with anyone else - if it had put him off that I'd checked so early, then that fact would have put me off!

He laughed and said of course we are, and that was that. Don't think either of us would have considered multi-dating for anything more than first dates. Nothing wrong with doing so if you're open about it and safe, but wouldn't have worked for us or anyone we were with - there's no "wrong" there's just compatible or not.

Should clarify - date 3 was in the same week we met! (We did slow down a little after but not a lot ha)

@flipperdoda love your story! It really wouldn’t work for me knowing he’s seeing other people either think that’s why I am so anxious around this whole thing. Especially because I’ve got no interest in dating others.

You said he tells you he likes me every time you see each other. This sounds quite early in the relationship to be saying that.

Is this love bombing? That would put my defences up.

@blueshoes He says it all the time, would you say that as a sign of love bombing?

@summersunshine46 right, but at the moment you think he probably is but you're not sure. How is that better than knowing he is? At the moment you are anxious and doubting it and unhappy.

If it turns out he is seeing other people and doesn't want to be exclusive - you might feel crap for a little bit, but then it'll stop and you can pick yourself up and date someone else more compatible.

If he is seeing others and is happy to go exclusive with you, awesome and you'll be proud you were brave.

If he isn't seeing anyone then you'll have that confirmed and you'll be happy.

Currently you're prolonging misery due to a possible fact, rather than asking for the answer and acting accordingly.

I promise anyone who is worth a long term relationship won't freak if you ask them what's happening two months in.

Also - and I'm sorry I recognise this is the most irritating advice ever when you're in the middle of this sort of thing because I have been there but I swear to god it's true - the start of a relationship is really not meant to be difficult. It's meant to be fun.

@summersunshine46 I'm glad. Hard to have a clear view on your exact situation, even your friends won't know that, only you can really honestly look inside yourself and be blunt about what's causing those feelings.

I had 2 dates with my bf where I had something similar to a panic attack beforehand, tears, stomach turning etc. In fact being on these forums and thinking back to how I used to feel I'm amazed at where we are now! My reasons were, I deeply liked the guy but in my head somehow thought he could never really love me (stupid because he had told me and shown me how otherwise) and thought we had too many differences to have a future (focusing on negatives, not the positives, every couple has differences). Lots of stress and some self-esteem issues at the time fed into it. Dates were great but I was nervous and overanalysing everything in between.

I do feel like him offering you a little more security/ reassurance will sort some of it out, e.g. being exclusive. However you also need to find confidence within yourself that you deserve to have a great relationship with a great guy, and that if it doesn't work out it's 'his loss'. Put yourself on the pedestal a bit more, it seems like you really want it to work, but it'll work better if both of you relax and enjoy it.

If he says it all the time, it devalues its currency. Do you believe him? You wonder who else he says it to.

When was the first time he said it. Did he know you as a person sufficiently by that time, or did it just come out of his lips like a knee jerk?

I am instinctively distrustful of people who declare their feelings so soon. At first blush, it is manipulative.

You are in the situation and so can judge better than me. Do you have strong boundaries?

Yes totally agree.

@blueshoes I feel that he is not genuine when he says it and that’s why I feel all over the place. He always says it when he’s looking other way no direct eye contact.

I feel tonight I’ve noticed that there are lots of red flags that I keep overlooking because I like him.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached

This book addresses a lot of the questions you have about this situation, and how to approach dating, highly recommend it.

He is giving you mixed signals and that is why you are anxious. Something is not adding up and you are picking up on that. The lack of eye contact when declaring his interest screams insincerity and 'player'. The fact you are beginning to spot red flags is not a good sign.

You can test him by asking him how feels about exclusivity. What if he says yes, would you be delighted or still feel unsettled.

Personally, I'd just date other men and put him on the backburner. Why force the issue. You don't owe each other anything.

I’ve had the feeling of unease thing / but feeling good when with him.

My gut said it wasn’t a good situation/ good guy. I couldn’t ignore it when I wasn’t with him.

That was just me.

Personally, I’d ignore the ‘live your best life, date other people’ advice. Not everyone is wired that way. You are well within your right to not sleep with someone who is sleet with other people.

I feel tonight I’ve noticed that there are lots of red flags that I keep overlooking because I like him

Even just one red flag means stop, OP. Everybody likes their abuser at first, that's why people get pulled into abusive relationships.

@Jyvoc Why have you jumped on the back of an almost three year old thread to ask this? You need to start a new post.

Apologies, I’m new to this. Clearly need to learn to use it properly! Thanks for letting me know 😀