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Original poster

Don’t want to attend friend’s funeral due to drama

53 replies

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/10/2022 19:22

I’ve got a funeral to go to this month. The man involved has died just before a l milestone birthday of an alcohol related disease.

He knew my DB and was his best friend (with 2 other best friends) in his teens/early to mid twenties but they lost touch over time and 2 of them have moved abroad. I caught up with this man and other mutual friends about 7-8 years ago at a local restaurant but my brother didn’t go.

My brother’s ex-SO when he was that she was at the meal and will be at the funeral along with my ex best friend from childhood who dated this man in our early to mid 20s. My ex best friend I cut contact with in my mid 20s but we are sort of in contact now. My brother’s teenage girlfriend and another ex best friend of mine (we broke our friendship at 40, but she was always dramatic and still likes drama).

I saw DB today and he said he probably wouldn’t go to the funeral due to people from the past (mostly both his exes!) and I’m thinking along the same lines! I don’t want to open up old wounds, don’t trust them not to cause drama and certainly don’t want to go to a wake afterwards with them! I last saw this friend in the street when he visited my local area to see his dad for his birthday and we had the odd message on FB but nothing else.

Has anyone got any experience of this? Views?

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 22:37

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/10/2022 21:02

He was a friend but was more my brother’s friend than mine.

He was the pub friend, the kind who used to come round our house as teenagers. And then when he dated my best friend I saw him lots more then.

I’m going to see if it’s on zoom but otherwise I don’t think I’ll go.

Show quote history

To me, that's an acquaintance. You knew him on the periphery, not personally. You also knew him a long time ago.

The only reason I would possibly go is if I thought his family may appreciate me there, for example if he didn't have many friends etc.

But in this situation, I wouldn't go.

Kite22 · 31/10/2022 22:45

Agree with everyone else.
This is more a case of why would you go, rather than any sort of decision about feeling you really want to be there but being worried about conflict.

You knew him, but weren't close.
Most of us don't go to every funeral of every person we know.

Original poster
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/11/2022 08:22

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/10/2022 21:30

I can’t imagine how people go eight years at a time without seeing you…

Show quote history

Just go away please…

it’s a funeral/death question not a take the piss out of me question!

I was driving past with my mum last month to a stately home which is near where this man lived. But due to covid etc we lost touch.

he was a friend more than an acquaintance though.

OP posts:
Original poster
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/11/2022 08:24

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 22:37

To me, that's an acquaintance. You knew him on the periphery, not personally. You also knew him a long time ago.

The only reason I would possibly go is if I thought his family may appreciate me there, for example if he didn't have many friends etc.

But in this situation, I wouldn't go.

Show quote history

I did know him personally but we lost touch…

it’s hard to explain. Add in the drama round our friends and we just lost touch.

last time I spoke to him was via FB messenger during covid lockdowns when both his mum and her sister passed away and I sent him condolences.

OP posts:
InsertPunHere · 01/11/2022 08:27

Given the number of ex-friends you mention, I think the drama might not be coming from the other people.

There is no need for any drama at a funeral. If you want to go, sit quietly at the back and leave after the service.

I f you want to do something in remembrance rather than turn up, make a donation to a suitable charity in his name.

DogInATent · 01/11/2022 08:32

mumda · 31/10/2022 19:40

Funerals aren't about you. Unless you're inside the box at the front.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
The person in the box get's nothing from it.

Musti · 01/11/2022 08:36

Op you are being very prickly with people here!! You may have more in common with the people you want to avoid than you think ;)

Just go to the service if you want to pay your respects, watch it online or don’t go. I really don’t think anyone is going to care about some teenage/young adult drama in a funeral.

dottypencilcase · 01/11/2022 08:39

Honestly OP, the only one creating a drama at present is you. Pay your respects to this friend privately but I'd highly recommend you not going based on some of your replies on here.

MMmomDD · 01/11/2022 08:49

By the sound of it you are in your 30s-40s yet this all reads like you are teenagers.
All these Ex’s - friends and gf’s, etc - it’s past and in the younger age.
You are all grown ups now and this has a funeral - not a soap opera catch up 20years later.

i think it’s normal to pay respects to someone you were friends with. More relevant for your brother, in this case, but still.

gamerchick · 01/11/2022 08:57

OP this isn't a big deal. Go to the service and skip the wake. Raise a glass or something privately.

mumda · 01/11/2022 09:07

@DogInATent but anyone not concentrating on who the funeral is about shouldn't be there.

It's sadder when people don't go and the funeral is poorly attended.

ThreeBoysTheCatTheDogAndMe · 01/11/2022 09:10

Jesus Christ the drama!!
Just don't go
It's not rocket science

porridgecake · 01/11/2022 09:11

I would attend. Arrive just in time, sit at the back, leave at the earliest opportunity and don't attend the wake. Send a card to the family.

Whataretheodds · 01/11/2022 09:12

rookiemere · 31/10/2022 19:39

If you wanted to you could just go for the service and slip away quietly as soon as it had finished.

This. You can send a card, you don't

JohnStuartMill · 01/11/2022 09:13

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/10/2022 21:03

Is this true or are you taking the piss? If so just fuck off ok?

Show quote history

This post says it all.

MaggieFS · 01/11/2022 09:13

I can't really follow who's who or why there might be drama, which would be horribly disrespectful, but ultimately it's about how you feel and how you feel about your relationship with the deceased.

If you feel you should be there, go. If you're worried about "drama" arrive in the nick of time and leave promptly. If you can, and are happy to, join online, do.

It is coming across as a bit of a mountain out of a molehill, just try and focus on what's most important. Sorry for your loss.

Theunamedcat · 01/11/2022 09:16

JohnStuartMill · 01/11/2022 09:13

This post says it all.

Show quote history

Yes it says the poster might be upset and unsure of what to do for the best and people are taking the piss because of it

junebirthdaygirl · 01/11/2022 09:16

Send a card with a personal message speaking of your fond memories of him growing up. Family will appreciate that when it's all over.

girlmom21 · 01/11/2022 09:17

You have said you'd be going for his family but also that you feel your presence might cause drama. In that case, his family would probably be grateful if you didn't attend.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 01/11/2022 09:24

So sorry OP but I absolutely can make no sense of your OP, it’s all very complicated and well…. Dramatic!

Dont go. Zero drama.

light a nice candle on the day and time of the funeral in your house. That’s a respectful way of thinking of the person.

Velvetween · 01/11/2022 09:47

i’d be going for his family and best friends if I did go. The one who asked me to go we were fairly close on FB.

Are you saying that you are wondering should you go to this man’s funeral because a friend of his who you are ‘close to’ on FB (presumably not in real life) has asked you?

If someone I know on FB asks one of their FB friends to my funeral (they like each other’s posts but aren’t actually real life mates) and that person, linked by social media to me somehow, decides not to go, I can promise I really won’t give a shit or haunt them or anything like that if they don’t.

Hope that helps.

notacooldad · 01/11/2022 09:56

What kind of drama do you think they would cause and why?
Surely once they are in the cremation or church people will sit quietly and not start brawling like an episode from Eastenders.
If you feel you should go just go in quietly and take a seat at a back pew.

CannibalQueen · 01/11/2022 10:10

Go to the service and pay your respects to his family, then leave. You really don't need to do more.

GinIronic · 01/11/2022 10:13

You seem to love the drama - so why not go?

WakingUpDistress · 01/11/2022 10:21

Im going to guess that you are living in a small ish town where everyone knows everyone and still see each other as part if the same ‘friendship group’ even if they haven’t had anything to do with each other for years.
(I live in one of those).

If you go, there is a risk that some people will make comments and be difficult.
If you dint go, it will be noticed too - see ye fact you’ve already been asked if you are going.

You clearly aren’t that bothered about going to the funeral (no judgement there. You haven’t been close to that guy and many if the friends for a while) so I’d avoid it. I certainly would not go to the wake afterwards.

Zoom is a good idea. Otherwise covid is a good excuse to not turn up.