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Original poster

Boyfriend said he’d unfollow me if I had a problem with him following his ex

48 replies

October2022 · 31/10/2022 16:57

first time poster looking for some advice please. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, things were going great, but last night casually chatting and I asked if he’d ever cheated on anyone he said yes. I then asked if he was friends with any ex’s on instagram he said yes. I was a little shocked as he’d never spoken about it before but said that’s fine, he said I didn’t sound fine, I was just a little surprised. He then said if I had a problem with it, he’d take me off instagram, as I shouldn’t be funny over something that’s in the past. Tbh I think it’s more the fact he won’t delete an ex but he will me. ( also I never asked him to delete her but I did sound surprised) please be honest am I being silly. I feel he value his ex more than my feelings

OP posts:
TerrifyingGhostTrain · 31/10/2022 16:59

Sounds like he was spoiling for an argument as well as trying to put you in your place by seeing how far he get away with riling you.

is he usually a nice caring boyfriend as he’s coming across as deeply unpleasant from what you’ve said so far?

SusGus · 31/10/2022 17:01

That is a very big jump from him to say he’d delete you from what you’ve said you didn’t even really have a problem with that. Weirdly defensive from nothing, and I agree that him choosing her over you on social media is also weird.

WaxingGibbon · 31/10/2022 17:01

How are things generally between you? Does he have a history of being dismissive about your wants / feelings, or have you had other reason to suspect his feelings about other women in his life, or is this an isolated event?

Original poster
October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:03

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

OP posts:
Usererror1999 · 31/10/2022 17:04

Yeah, nah.

dump him.

Original poster
October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:07

I’m so upset, it really was the fact he’d unfollow me if I had a problem, if he feels nothing for his ex surely he wouldn’t care to unfollow her

OP posts:
topshotta · 31/10/2022 17:09

October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:03

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

Couple times a week? That shouldn't happen full stop

WaxingGibbon · 31/10/2022 17:09

To answer your question then - no, you're not being silly.

To expand - him coming out with crap like this a couple of times a week is too much. Plus he's readily told you he's cheated on the past.

He isn't as lovely as you think he is, sorry

Eggygirl · 31/10/2022 17:10

If he says something hurtful a couple of times a week for a year, regardless of whether he apologises or not, why are you forgiving him all the time?I'd be unfollowing him, never mind bring upset that he'd unfollow you!

WaxingGibbon · 31/10/2022 17:10

*in the past

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2022 17:11

Op. You are worth more than this. He is not a lovely boyfriend. PLEASE raise your bar.

Eindaira · 31/10/2022 17:12

I'd never be with a man who followed his ex unless they had children together. He still fancies her, simple. Dump him

Original poster
October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:17

It escalated so quickly, I was totally unaware about his ex then bam I’ll unfollow you if your going to be funny about something that happened years ago

OP posts:
TerrifyingGhostTrain · 31/10/2022 17:23

Yep he sounds like a right nasty piece of work. Call his bluff and say you’d love him to unfollow you and express your delight at him following his ex. He sounds very immature.

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 17:25

TerrifyingGhostTrain · 31/10/2022 17:23

Yep he sounds like a right nasty piece of work. Call his bluff and say you’d love him to unfollow you and express your delight at him following his ex. He sounds very immature.

And this would be an immature response, which OP doesn't need to stoop to.

@October2022

I feel he value his ex more than my feelings

Why would you consider disregarding and disrespecting this feeling?

DatingDinosaur · 31/10/2022 17:37

October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:03

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

Proceed with caution OP. A couple of times a week will erode your confidence over time.

It’s a year in and his mask is slipping – you’re starting to see the real him now (which obviously you wouldn’t fall in love with so he hid this side of himself initially).

It really is up to him who he follows on social media but the way he defensively handled and escalated the conversation that is a concern.

Original poster
October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:38

Thank you for the advice. I just didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I feel so hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:41

This is the biggest thing that’s upset me

OP posts:
VanillaParkersBowl · 31/10/2022 17:50

October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:03

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

So his behaviour has a pattern. That's not going to get any better. Protect yourself from him before you get any deeper, you deserve better Flowers

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 17:59

You were both in the wrong.
People can have exes on their social media if they wish. He knew her before he knew you, many people maintain cordial comms with exes.

But his reaction was unpleasant & would make me rethink the relationship. He went from 0 to 100mph very quickly, & made no attempt to discuss your fears/insecurity/whatever so you could reach some mutual understanding.

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again
Don't hang around for any more of this.
It won't change.
All that will happen is he will escalate the nasty remarks, the periods of 'niceness' will become briefer, & your self-esteem will plummet.

Saying sorry is meaningless when you just repeat the behaviour a couple of days later. His words are meaningless. He may as well say "I don't care how my nastiness makes you feel, & I will repeat it whenever I want to."
Don't stay with a man who treats you with such a lack of respect.

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 18:00

October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:38

Thank you for the advice. I just didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I feel so hurt

Your hurt (and any of your feelings) is as mountainy or molehilly as you feel it. Anybody who minimises your feelings can get lost.

Boundaries 101: Tell the person, calmly, that what they did hurt you. Watch their response. If they are more concerned about justifying themselves, back away from them. If they are more concerned about how you felt, keep them around. It doesn't matter wy you feel the way you feel, or if you 'should' feel that way. Who gets to decide how you 'should' feel? Who's the boss? Who makes the rules about what you are and aren't allowed to respond to, and how much you're allowed to respond?

Find people who care, consistently, about how you feel. Don't worry about why you have your feelings; they're all allowed, and people who love you, truly, will accept them, and in doing so, accept you, just as you are.

DatingDinosaur · 31/10/2022 18:05

I don’t think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think perhaps you’re starting to see him for who he really is. He’s trying to goad you into playing a kind of pick-me dance, or, shut you up because he's going to do what he wants anyway and if you complain he'll silence you (metaphorically) by removing you from his social media. Why would a nice person do that?

Calandor · 31/10/2022 18:22

To me it sounds like he's weirdly defensive over it tbh

Twiglets1 · 31/10/2022 18:26

He sounds like a Prince amongst men. Not.

Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2022 18:30

Why is the ex relevant to him having cheated? Seems like an odd leap to ask him about cheating and then ask him why he follows his ex?

Was it another ex he cheated with on her? Or is it that you had a weird instinct about him and his ex? And maybe thats why you asked about cheating in the first place...

Either way though the whole thing is just icing on the cake to the fact that he already regularly acts like a complete bellend. Who cares I'd he apologises. Normal people don't go around saying nasty things to their partner on a regular basis (or ever really, tbf).

Life's short to spend with sad little men who have no capacity of empathy or compassion and think they can just treat other people like shit whenever they feel like it.

I'd tell him to fuck off back to his ex then. Doubt she'll have him though xD

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