Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Boyfriend said he’d unfollow me if I had a problem with him following his ex

48 replies

October2022 · 31/10/2022 16:57

first time poster looking for some advice please. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, things were going great, but last night casually chatting and I asked if he’d ever cheated on anyone he said yes. I then asked if he was friends with any ex’s on instagram he said yes. I was a little shocked as he’d never spoken about it before but said that’s fine, he said I didn’t sound fine, I was just a little surprised. He then said if I had a problem with it, he’d take me off instagram, as I shouldn’t be funny over something that’s in the past. Tbh I think it’s more the fact he won’t delete an ex but he will me. ( also I never asked him to delete her but I did sound surprised) please be honest am I being silly. I feel he value his ex more than my feelings

OP posts:

ProFannyTea · 31/10/2022 19:13

I'd agree he should be unfollowing her not you. I'd also be telling him to fuck off if he values your feelings so little.

notmyrealmoniker · 31/10/2022 19:22

These type of men like to hurt and see the reaction, then you get a nice apology until the next time. Not a nice person and it will escalate. He's pushing you to see how far he can go.

minticecreamisjustok · 31/10/2022 20:16

He doesn't respect your feelings and he's admitted being a cheat, what a charmer!
I think I'd remove him.

Original poster

October2022 · 31/10/2022 20:39

Thanks everyone for the replies, we’d never spoken about ex’s before, I just assumed they weren’t on his social media. I was upset that an ex was on there but I smiled and said it was ok. I never at any point asked him to remove her, but he obviously saw I was upset and said he’d remove me, that’s hurts more than her being on there if that makes sense

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 31/10/2022 20:48

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

You should be far more concerned about this than the Instagram thing.

I've been with my boyfriend for years and he's honestly never said something deliberately hurtful to me. And if he's said something that's hurt my feelings, he's been genuinely sorry and (importantly) not then done it again, And that's not a gold star standard, the benchmark should be not hurting your partner's feelings.

If you said he was saying something hurtful a couple of times a month that would be a lot. But a week?!

Can you give a couple of examples of the kind of hurtful things he says, as I think perhaps you haven't realised he's not a nice person but need some objective outsiders to tell you that?

monsteramunch · 31/10/2022 20:49

Missed a word out there:

I've been with my boyfriend for years and he's honestly never said something deliberately hurtful to me. And if he's said something that's accidentally hurt my feelings, he's been genuinely sorry and (importantly) not then done it again, And that's not a gold star standard, the benchmark should be not hurting your partner's feelings.

pinkyredrose · 31/10/2022 20:50

October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:03

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

Dump this loser.

Jewel7 · 31/10/2022 22:36

I’d tell him not to bother as you had unfollowed him first. Why does he need to put her before you. I would walk. He should be putting you first.

Usererror1999 · 31/10/2022 22:39

He upsets you a couple of times a week??!!! Jeeze, I’ve been with DH almost 20 years and he has very rarely hurt my feelings: and never on purpose!

it’s not that he follows his ex that’s the issue (I’m friends with a few ex’s on Facebook, and don’t think DH cares). It’s the way he spoke to you about it: just completely disrespectful

PorridgewithQuark · 31/10/2022 22:42

That sounds as though he wanted to upset you deliberately.

Tbh after a year if you're not very much a million times more important than any ex then the "relationship" is broken and you might as well bin it and find someone less messed up. That's what I'd tell my teenaged son and daughter and my 20 something self. Luckily at those ages I was pretty good at binning boyfriends who played mind games, and I think that's why I've now been married for nearly 20 years...

AgentJohnson · 01/11/2022 05:27

You are focussing on the wrong thing! He says hurtful things multiple times a week and you appear not to see this as the problem, why? Why can’t he follow an Ex on SM, is there some kind of memo that I missed?

3487642l · 01/11/2022 05:39

When he escalated it rapidly he was he was warning you not to challenge him on the topic again. His behavior is disorienting so you feel confused and start walking on eggshells.

It's great you've had the instinct to check in with others about his behaviour as it is far from normal or healthy. A loving boyfriend would care about and prioritize your feelings, this guy is blowing up and making it clear he will do as he pleases and in fact will do the opposite of what you might prefer if you dare to challenge him.

You're lucky you've seen the signs before more years pass.

layladomino · 01/11/2022 08:17

A couple of times a week he says something hurtful to you? That's really not good. In a healthy relationship, you both avoid saying hurtful things to the other. You might have to have difficult conversations sometimes, and you might disagree sometimes, but why would you deliberately hurt someone you're supposed to love?

It sounds like he was going out of his way to have an argument and to show you that you aren't that important to him. I wouldn't stick around for more.

Bookworm20 · 01/11/2022 10:02

When he escalated it rapidly he was he was warning you not to challenge him on the topic again. His behaviour is disorienting so you feel confused and start walking on eggshells.

This. you will never be a priority for him. He will always do what he wants, when he wants, with who he wants.

As hard as it might be, I would seriously consider unfollowing HIM, and blocking him from your life. Its not going to get better.
You deserve to be with someone who is not deliberately hurting your feelings, ever. Let alone a couple of times a week.

Listen to his actions. Not his words.

notacooldad · 01/11/2022 10:10

If someone told me who I could and couldn't follow I would be mad at them. I'm an adult. I have exes ( no children with them) and they are nice people. I chat with them sometimes. I would think my partner had gone mad if I was told to unfollow them. On that point I think you are bring unreasonable with him.
However other hand things that you have said make him sound unpleasant and for that he should definitely go in the bin! He should not be saying hurtful things several times a week. He is a jerk.

NairobiGal · 01/11/2022 10:23

Saying something hurtful a couple of times a week just to upset you is emotional abuse OP.

oobeedoobee · 01/11/2022 16:37

OP, you said ''he obviously saw I was upset and said he’d remove me'', which shows that his PURPOSE was to inflict the worst hurt he could, with zero warning !

He MEANT to hurt you !
He WANTED to hurt you !

His purpose ?

Because he LIKES it.
Because he NEVER wants you to feel 'sure' about the relationship.
Because he wants you SCARED to bring up any topics HE doesn't like.
Because he WANTS to keep you 'afraid' to speak freely.
Because he wants you to be constantly afraid he'll leave you.
He EXPECTS to be 'obeyed', at ALL times.

Basically hon, he's a grade 1 prick !

Dump this loser and find someone who actually DOES care about you and respects you, because you ARE worth it !

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/11/2022 18:04

Delete him in real life! Too much drama.

Ofcourseshecan · 01/11/2022 18:24

probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful. And he's told you he has cheated on previous partners. And he threatens to unfollow you the moment you mention an ex he follows.

OP, can you see how repulsive he is? He's open about cheating in the past, so he can say he warned you if you find out he's cheating on you.

And he's so aggressive towards you. "Have you got a problem with that? If you have, I'll [threat]" sounds more like a drunk confronting strangers in a pub! Not a man talking to his girlfriend.

He can be nice to you at other times. So can anyone. I wouldn't spend five minutes with a man who treated me the way he treats you. Please find someone who likes and respects you.

Goldpaw · 01/11/2022 18:48

Saying unpleasant things to you twice a week is the main problem that you're ignoring, OP.

That isn't what a mutually loving relationship is about.

ABJ100 · 01/11/2022 18:51

October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:03

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

Then your standards are very poor. A couple of times a week? I wouldn't even tolerate once a week. Come on, wake up. This isn't a lovely guy or healthy relationship.

Imissmoominmama · 01/11/2022 18:53

October2022 · 31/10/2022 17:03

Most of the time he is so lovely but probably a couple of times a week he says something hurtful , then says sorry he shouldn’t of said it and is really caring again

Sounds like an absolute arsehole, OP. If I were you, I’d throw this one back.

Sn0tnose · 01/11/2022 21:28

Yes, I’ve cheated before. Yes I’m still in contact with at least one ex. If you don’t like it, then I will punish you by withdrawing from you. I will do this regularly so that, eventually, I erode all of your boundaries and you become willing to accept all sorts of shit behaviour without question in case I withdraw again.

And that’s without him hurting your feelings a couple of times a week! He is not lovely and your relationship is not going great. Chuck this one back, you deserve better than this!

Flip

1 2