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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there life after infidelity/betrayal?

51 replies

MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 20:40

Is it possible to truly heal and trust again after profound betrayal? I want to believe that it is possible...

OP posts:
Zibbydib · 30/10/2022 20:44

Personally I don’t think so. I would always be second guessing what they were up to. Plus I wouldn’t be able to be intimate with my partner again knowing what he’d been up to

Annabananna1 · 30/10/2022 20:45

I tried my hardest. Wasted my precious youth.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/10/2022 20:47

If you mean heal and trust another man again then yes it is. If you mean trust the lying piece of shit who cheated on you then no, you will always be waiting for them to do it again.

CSR721 · 30/10/2022 20:48

Yes, with a different person. I was cheated on after a 6yr relationship. But I have absolutely no trust issues with my husband as he is nothing like the last w*nker

Icantdothis9 · 30/10/2022 20:49

Similar situation. They won't admit what they've done even with proof. I'm a few days in but it's the cherry on top of a shit cake..

I'm saving up to move on. I don't believe they change they just get better at hiding it and thinking it's okay to treat you this way.

I get it. Can't eat can't sleep. Constant why thoughts.

ladywithnomanors · 30/10/2022 20:50

I couldn’t do it.
My friend did it though and fair play to her they’ve made it work. Personally I couldn’t sleep with my husband if he’d dipped his dick elsewhere.

Boxin · 30/10/2022 20:51

With a new partner, yes. With the same one,no.

Icantdothis9 · 30/10/2022 20:52

Was it EA or more than that?

I think the only reason I'm still here is because I don't currently have proof that it was more.

Think the not knowing everything is the hardest. Hope you've got a good support network around you.

Don't keep it to yourself.

I think it's natural to hope they will change.

I think this largely depends on if they are genuinely sorry. If they told you or if you had to drag it out of them.

Sideorderofchips · 30/10/2022 21:14

No

Hopelessromatic · 30/10/2022 21:18

I've been trying for 3 years and the longer I'm trying the more I realise it's never going to get better. You end up second guessing everything. My mental health have really suffered and honestly it's no way to live Maybe if it was one night stand and they are truly sorry and remorseful but other than that I think in the long run it's alot harder to stay . If I had to leave 3 years ago I'd be in a much better place now . I wish you the best xx

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2022 21:19

Depends what you mean by life.

If you mean continuing to live with the person who betrayed you then what you need to ask is 'whqt has this person done in action form, consistently, over time show me that they are truly sorry and that they would nevr repeat that behaviour?'

It's not up to you to forgive and forget. It's up to them to earn that forgiveness over time. IF you feel they deserve that chance.

If you qre qski g yourself however, how you move past their betrayal...how tou swallow Your feelings and 'move on' then - why? Because you absolutely shouldnt. It's not up to you to forgive. It's up to them to earn forgiveness.

Bedazzled22 · 30/10/2022 21:26

We’ve been trying to get past DP’s online cheating but given he didnt think “it was that bad” there is no where to go. Separated now.

I think if cheater is truly remorseful demonstrating that clearly, allowing you to ask questions and answering honestly, having therapy, earning trust then I think it could be possible BUT often they do it again and I imagine you’d always wonder … only you know whether there is real true remorse…

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 21:37

@Hopelessromatic I'm so sorry you've had a rough time. It's just awful, isn't it? I'm now just fully appreciating the mental health toll. I used to be a confident person but now I'm second guessing everything. How could I not see it coming? I thought I was a good judge of character but nope. Completely hoodwinked.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 21:41

Icantdothis9 · 30/10/2022 20:52

Was it EA or more than that?

I think the only reason I'm still here is because I don't currently have proof that it was more.

Think the not knowing everything is the hardest. Hope you've got a good support network around you.

Don't keep it to yourself.

I think it's natural to hope they will change.

I think this largely depends on if they are genuinely sorry. If they told you or if you had to drag it out of them.

I had to wrangle the sordid details out of him. For some reason that hurts more. If he'd just confessed after the deed I might have written it off as a one off mistake. But the secrecy...what else will I uncover if I dig deeper and can I trust that I now know everything?

OP posts:
thesefeelingsuck · 30/10/2022 21:41

Yes with a different person after self love and healing.

MrsKeats · 30/10/2022 21:43

Yes-with a new husband in my case.

Hawkins001 · 30/10/2022 21:44

@MoMuM7
It's possible, but always factor your partner may have other affairs, that's based on other threads where the ops have said the partners had had previous and further affairs etc

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 21:44

ladywithnomanors · 30/10/2022 20:50

I couldn’t do it.
My friend did it though and fair play to her they’ve made it work. Personally I couldn’t sleep with my husband if he’d dipped his dick elsewhere.

I have a friend too who worked it out with her DH and they have been happily married for over 25 years. She genuinely trusts him. I honestly can't wrap my mind around that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 21:47

Icantdothis9 · 30/10/2022 20:49

Similar situation. They won't admit what they've done even with proof. I'm a few days in but it's the cherry on top of a shit cake..

I'm saving up to move on. I don't believe they change they just get better at hiding it and thinking it's okay to treat you this way.

I get it. Can't eat can't sleep. Constant why thoughts.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. A cheater AND a liar...what a dick. Hope you get out with everything you need

OP posts:
racquel86 · 30/10/2022 21:53

No..... not even read the whole post or thread.... IMHO.... just NO

Ladybugzrock · 30/10/2022 21:58

Yes - there is. But you need to see true remorse and have a partner who is willing to move heaven and earth to rebuild trust and become a safe partner for you. Transparency, individual counselling, communication, empathy and patience need to be there in abundance from the cheating partner. Healing takes between 2-5 years, it's a long slog.

Reconciliation is HARD. And it can't be done if the cheat isn't 110% on board.

Even then it can fail as you also need to consider if cheating is a deal breaker for you. That sounds obvious but many people think it is and then discover that they feel the relationship that they have is worth fighting for. Some think it isn't but find when the shock has dissipated that it is.

Only you will know whether your partner can be that person, and only you know whether this is a deal breaker for you. If you do think you may want to try then I can recommend surviving infidelity website for ongoing support as you navigate staying or leaving.

TheRossatron · 30/10/2022 22:01

No x

slowquickstep · 30/10/2022 22:18

No.

User301022 · 30/10/2022 22:19

No, at least not with the person who betrayed you. The trust is broken.

If I was cheated on, I'd feel sick just at the thought of him touching me, knowing that he's been intimate with another woman.

And I'd spend my entire life second guessing absolutely everything. That is no way to live.

Icantdothis9 · 30/10/2022 22:30

MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 21:41

I had to wrangle the sordid details out of him. For some reason that hurts more. If he'd just confessed after the deed I might have written it off as a one off mistake. But the secrecy...what else will I uncover if I dig deeper and can I trust that I now know everything?

Show quote history

I feel you. I kept saying the lying was worse than whatever he had done and if he just admits it I can try get over it and he just looks into my eyes and lies again. He's been Google imaging the Ow and I saw in his history yet he's adamant Google made a mistake like come on now.

It's insane how the person who you thought wouldn't lie to you can with such ease ..