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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there life after infidelity/betrayal?

51 replies

MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 20:40

Is it possible to truly heal and trust again after profound betrayal? I want to believe that it is possible...

OP posts:
Icantdothis9 · 30/10/2022 22:34

The hardest part is you know something else will come out down the line and you'll relive it all over again.

Sausagelove · 30/10/2022 22:39

Infidelity is an act of abuse. It doesn’t just happen. The starting point involves complaining about your partner to a third party. It involves emotional abuse such as lying, gaslighting and some feel it’s a type of sexual abuse too.

My advice is to examine honestly if there have been other instances of abuse. Check your finances because unfortunately you are married to someone who is comfortable with lying and betraying.

Many cheaters don’t want to be forgiven.

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 23:01

Ladybugzrock · 30/10/2022 21:58

Yes - there is. But you need to see true remorse and have a partner who is willing to move heaven and earth to rebuild trust and become a safe partner for you. Transparency, individual counselling, communication, empathy and patience need to be there in abundance from the cheating partner. Healing takes between 2-5 years, it's a long slog.

Reconciliation is HARD. And it can't be done if the cheat isn't 110% on board.

Even then it can fail as you also need to consider if cheating is a deal breaker for you. That sounds obvious but many people think it is and then discover that they feel the relationship that they have is worth fighting for. Some think it isn't but find when the shock has dissipated that it is.

Only you will know whether your partner can be that person, and only you know whether this is a deal breaker for you. If you do think you may want to try then I can recommend surviving infidelity website for ongoing support as you navigate staying or leaving.

It's the moving heaven and earth bit...we'll that's not happening. Just wallowing in shame and self-pity claiming to be disappointed in self. As if that changes anything. I'm supposed to feel sorry for him because he's failed himself? There's a lot of gaslighting going on. I'm slowly seeing that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoMuM7 · 30/10/2022 23:06

Sausagelove · 30/10/2022 22:39

Infidelity is an act of abuse. It doesn’t just happen. The starting point involves complaining about your partner to a third party. It involves emotional abuse such as lying, gaslighting and some feel it’s a type of sexual abuse too.

My advice is to examine honestly if there have been other instances of abuse. Check your finances because unfortunately you are married to someone who is comfortable with lying and betraying.

Many cheaters don’t want to be forgiven.

You have no idea how accurate your statement is in this case. I've ignored many incidents of abuse to keep the peace. The humiliation I've endured to fit into his sexual ideal and for what? So much regret.

OP posts:
DoubleBuggyDriver · 30/10/2022 23:10

I don't believe they change they just get better at hiding it and thinking it's okay to treat you this way.

I agree with this!

totallyoutnumbered · 30/10/2022 23:15

I wasted a long time trying to trust my EXH because I wanted to. I just couldn't and it ate me up inside. I genuinely thought I'd never truly trust again. My DP has shown that I can. I absolutely trust him implicitly

KatherineJaneway · 30/10/2022 23:19

For me? No. It is irreparable.

Ratherperplexed · 30/10/2022 23:22

Hopelessromatic · 30/10/2022 21:18

I've been trying for 3 years and the longer I'm trying the more I realise it's never going to get better. You end up second guessing everything. My mental health have really suffered and honestly it's no way to live Maybe if it was one night stand and they are truly sorry and remorseful but other than that I think in the long run it's alot harder to stay . If I had to leave 3 years ago I'd be in a much better place now . I wish you the best xx

MoMuM7 Hopelessromantic puts it perfectly and sadly they all seem to take on the victim role and hold pity parties for themselves AFTER discovery, usually minimising involvement with OW and blaming everyone but themselves. Getting the truth out of them or full discovery is never going to happen. It's also true, the relationship is never the same again.

Reading this now, I wish I had heeded the same sentiments expressed by others on here 2 years ago as I too would have been in a much better financial situation and possibly without the ptsd diagnosis as a result of thinking we were reconciling only to find he was still being a cheating scum bag.

In answer to your question,there is no quality of life after trying to reconcile with a cheater after the level of betrayal. Best to make plans to leave, ducks in a row and become your no 1 best friend and advocate.

So very sorry and sending hugs to all who have experienced this shit show in life. 💐

Hopelessromatic · 30/10/2022 23:35

Ratherperplexed you are so right in your post. They never tell the truth . I have given my husband ever opportunity to be honest and he is still lying , telling me I'm exaggerating everything when I have undeniable proof . The gaslighting and emotional abuse has been unbelievable . He is still protective with his phone and refuses to show me . I'm making appointment with a solicitor this week and getting my ducks in a row . I know he is going to make life difficult as he has already told me I'll be the cause of a tragedy ( I think he means he'll comit suicide if I leave ) that's more abuse . My advice to you MoMum7 is leave and don't be like me wishing you had left w

Hopelessromatic · 30/10/2022 23:36

Sorry posted too soon . Wishing I had left when I first found out .

Lostinthesauce · 30/10/2022 23:39

No. The first time I found out, he promised to never do it again and that he woukd attend counselling - Empty promises made. The second time, I felt numb and knew I needed to leave. The final time I found out, I was in the process of divorce proceedings and I was thinking about giving him one last chance, for the sake of our son.

I recieved his bank statements as part of the financial disclosure and found out he was still cheating and sending other women money. Baring in mind he had stated he hadn't cheated since the last time I had caught him and he was pleading for his family back. The truth all came out in the end and he'd been cheating, from even before I started divorce proceedings. Trust your gut, its there for a reason.

Don't waste your time, it's precious x

ExtraOnions · 30/10/2022 23:46

Yes.

My best friend had an affair … husband found out.. It was 6 years ago, they have resolved all their issues now, and are stronger than ever.

Gamezup · 30/10/2022 23:53

I believe there is life after betrayal/infidelity, but that life is not with the cheating lying b***d who decided to shag someone else! There is no comeback from this despite the bs promises and lies he gives. Look after yourself and not the cheating scumbag who has caused you all the heartbreak.

MsDogLady · 31/10/2022 00:22

MoMuM, if he’s wallowing in shame and self-pity, and has also been gaslighting, then you’re in a false reconciliation.

If he were truly remorseful, he’d be focusing his energy on how to help you heal and how to rebuild your trust. The self-absorption and sense of entitlement behind his infidelity (and previous abuses) haven’t changed at all if he now feels entitled to ruminate and self-flagellate when it is you who needs to recover.

In my view, he’s a bad bet for successful reconciliation.

Consider checking out the Just Found Out and Reconciliation forums on the Surviving Infidelity website. Flowers

Ratherperplexed · 31/10/2022 01:17

@Hopelessromatic - I had the suicide threats too if I threw him out, claiming his life would be over, our adult children would be disgusted with him (yet again), friends and work colleagues...oh the shame on him as His life wouldn't be worth living etc etc. He also blamed OW for affair continuing.. that she stalked him at work, she was a vile drunk bully pursuing him, he had no choice but to agree with her they were 'soul mates' (as seen on messages) I got the tears, the begging (he missed his calling on the stage) all the admissions of how he'd royally screwed my life up with his actions and behaviour plus script he'd used on OW (our relationship was dead, we were house/business partners only) at start of affair of course wasn't true it was all his fault (cue more tears and begging) that I was the only one for him, the only one he truly loved and needed.

It was all about poor him and he genuinely felt after telling me all this crap....I'd forgive again, allow him to rug sweep and our life/marriage would/could/should just resume normal service???

Nah, you don't treat people you love like that.

A few nights later when sleep evaded me again as it had every night for the past year and I could hear him sleeping like a baby, without an apparent care in the world, thinking he'd got away with breaking my heart yet again it hit me.

I realised, any love and respect I'd felt had totally gone and that as a good, loving, supportive, loyal wife throughout 25 years of marriage, I deserved so so much more than the pathetic, despicable man of little integrity that lay beside me. I didn't want to spend another day policing our marriage and really didn't care any more if he took the No 9 bus route out of life. I chose me and have never looked back.

Utimately cheats and liars are just broken men and nothing will ever be enough for them. Once they have crossed the line and not faced consequences, they will just do it again and again. Merely shallow individuals who use superficial sexual attention a
as penis extensions to stroke their fragile egos. They are incapable of being authentic or sincere in any shape or form.

Please @Hopelessromatic and @MoMuM7 - choose you!

@Gamezup - well said and so true!
"I believe there is life after betrayal/infidelity, but that life is not with the cheating lying b*d who decided to shag someone else! There is no comeback from this despite the bs promises and lies he gives. Look after yourself and not the cheating scumbag who has caused you all the heartbreak."

Ratherperplexed · 31/10/2022 01:22

ExtraOnions · 30/10/2022 23:46

Yes.

My best friend had an affair … husband found out.. It was 6 years ago, they have resolved all their issues now, and are stronger than ever.

So says your best friend....how do you know how her husband REALLY feels?

Hopelessromatic · 31/10/2022 01:39

Ratherperplexed you sound like a very strong lady and thank you for the advice . I ho

Hopelessromatic · 31/10/2022 01:40

Sorry I posted too soon again . Ratherpeplexed I hope you are happy now .

ChillyMoo · 31/10/2022 05:02

I tried. He did it again. And lied about it despite the irrefutable proof.

And the contempt he had for me was not good. It was like he disliked me for trying to keep our marriage together after his balls ups.

8 years on and I'm divorced. And what a relief.

Outtasteamandluck · 31/10/2022 06:39

Nope. IME trying to make it work only allows them to do it again ....and again .....and again.

I was a mug. Don't be me.

musicandpassion · 31/10/2022 06:45

No, and IME, it's hard to trust a new partner too. I don't think my new DP would cheat, but there's always that little niggle. What if he meets someone who just happens to have that connection? I realised a few weeks ago that I'm 100% over my ex, but I'll never be over what he did and that feeling is horrible.

Ladybugzrock · 31/10/2022 06:48

'It's the moving heaven and earth bit...we'll that's not happening. Just wallowing in shame and self-pity claiming to be disappointed in self. As if that changes anything. I'm supposed to feel sorry for him because he's failed himself? There's a lot of gaslighting going on. I'm slowly seeing that now.'

@MoMuM7 this is the part that kills reconciliation. Unless he starts taking ownership and put you at the centre of healing you'll move further away as it'll kill any willingness you have.

Has he read anything? Watched anything? 'How to help my spouse heal from my affair' is a great book and he needs to read that. Affair recovery videos are fantastic. Podcasts are out there. He has to do some bloody work.

FWIW I agree with @MsDogLady that right now he does not sound like a good candidate but the shame and regret and pity parties are pretty typical at first as they're still full of selfishness and entitlement.

I'm going to redirect you again to surviving infidelity. Mumsnet os very black and white on the issue of reconciliation and it's hard to see that it's possible if you've tried and cheat has failed OR you're in a stable relationship thinking you'd always leave. SI will give you much more tailored and nuanced advice according to your individual circumstances.

Flowers
Sausagelove · 31/10/2022 12:20

I've ignored many incidents of abuse to keep the peace.

Im sorry to hear this.

I would not entertain buying this prick books to read or pressuring him to do work he doesn’t want to do. Most cheaters want out and it’s obvious from their actions they do not want a genuine reconciliation.

The affair recovery industry is worth billions. The counselling, the books and the websites that tell you how to make sense of this abuse and how to manage your ptsd symptoms. It’s not your work to do. Don’t bother op. Let him go.

Hopelessromatic · 01/11/2022 23:10

I hope your OK MoMuM7 . It really is an awful shock to your system to discover infidelity. I was just thinking to myself the way my life changed forever with a flick of a phone .( that's how I discover his affair text messages) Why are these men so stupid .

LulaBe · 02/11/2022 06:03

Yes definitely. It's messy but someone I knew (a man), his wife had an affair with a married man and left him for the affair partner. Affair partner then decided not to leave his wife. Was a terrible mess but she returned/begged forgiveness and the man i knew took her back. It seems to be working. I would say the man appears to have very low esteem/confidence and can't imagine its easy but they are a family again.

I agree with the previous poster, if you really put the work in, you can find a way back. But for me, id consider it the ultimate betrayal and I'd walk away.