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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is a drunken kiss cheating?

46 replies

Neverfeltpainlikeit · 30/10/2022 09:35

Does it make difference if your spouse stated that your 20 relationship was over 3 weeks ago?

Do they now have a free pass even though we are living together?

OP posts:
Meowsaidthecat · 30/10/2022 09:36

Well if you're not together you're not together... no it's not cheating.

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2022 09:47

It is not a free pass if the relationship has ended. In that case, both parties are free agentscand can kiss/sleep with/interact with anyone anyway they see fit. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt though!

girlmom21 · 30/10/2022 09:48

The relationship is over so t's not cheating.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2022 09:49

It’s not cheating if it’s over. Can’t be easy though 💐

TabithaTittlemouse · 30/10/2022 09:50

It’s very disrespectful but if you have broken up it’s not really cheating.

Original poster
Neverfeltpainlikeit · 30/10/2022 09:50

Thank you, I just need to stop thinking about it

I’m shocked that they can move on so quickly

OP posts:
Pearls1234 · 30/10/2022 09:51

In this case no. Even if you’re still living together, the relationship is over. He’s single and doesn’t need a ‘pass’.

But that said, I know it must hurt and I’m sorry.

MrsTimRiggins · 30/10/2022 09:52

I don’t blame you for feeling shocked but if you’re not together, they’ve done nothing wrong and it’s not cheating.

Crazypaving22 · 30/10/2022 10:33

I'm not sure I agree with the above posters. You're still very much married in the eyes of the law. He's also had this 'kiss' after abruptly ending the marriage.

Who was the 'drunken kiss' with? Is he still living at home?

I'd suspect something was going on pre drunken kiss tbh.

But whatever, it must hurt terribly. What an arse!

OctopusBreath · 30/10/2022 10:35

If you were in a relationship, a kiss is cheating. But you weren't, so it isn't.
It sounds like you're having a hard time OP. Hope you're okay.

Fairylightsongs · 30/10/2022 10:37

It’s not cheating if the relationship is ended. You cannot expect him to remain faithful until a divorce is through,there is no grace period after it’s ended either when he has to remain faithful

it ended three weeks ago for you. But if he told you three weeks ago. It’s been over for him for much much longer. I’m sorry

Ekátn · 30/10/2022 10:37

If my dp had a drunken kiss, I would consider it cheating.

If he was my ex dp but still living here, it might hurt but it’s not cheating.

TBH, I don’t think having a drunken kiss is moving on ‘so quickly’. The person that ends the relationship has usually been checked out for a good while before ending a relationship. They have already processed the emotion of it. Or at least most of the emotion.

It feels quickly to you because it’s only been 3 weeks for you.

Fairylightsongs · 30/10/2022 10:40

ive just re read, the op has kept this gender neutral, we should not have assumed the ex is a man.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2022 10:41

it ended three weeks ago for you. But if he told you three weeks ago. It’s been over for him for much much longer.

Exactly this.

You might feel better if you take proactive steps to start the divorce and look into the housing options etc.

girlmom21 · 30/10/2022 11:26

Neverfeltpainlikeit · 30/10/2022 09:50

Thank you, I just need to stop thinking about it

I’m shocked that they can move on so quickly

They didn't just end it for them 3 weeks ago. It will have been a long time coming.

Original poster
Neverfeltpainlikeit · 08/11/2022 21:18

We have been together 20 years, married 15, have 2 children in secondary school, a house… had future plans

We are selling the house, but have to live together in the meantime. I work, pay all bills while she is free to continue dating and seeing him, I told her tonight that I consider this cruel and I’m so hurt.

Apparently I’m unreasonable as we promised to be civil (we did), but I also said I’m not ok with the dating and financially supporting her… response was “well I’m just being honest and I’m going to”

What a mess, I’m heartbroken
She is still very much the one for me, I never thought I’d have so little respect for myself to forgive her.

I’m not blameless, lack of communication in recent years has been the cause of our relationship problems.

How would you deal with the utter heartbreaking pain of watching your spouse of 20 years bounce around the house singing songs, dating while you work during the day and parent at night wondering where she is?

OP posts:
LooneyToon · 08/11/2022 21:39

Well she sure has her cake, can you not move out away from all this, family? It sounds incredibly cruel, I'm so sorry you are going through that

Original poster
Neverfeltpainlikeit · 08/11/2022 21:45

I’m not leaving my children, they are the only thing keeping me breathing

She is a great mum, can’t fault her there and also will not leave

OP posts:
AlwaysAWoman · 08/11/2022 21:46

Sounds awful for you. Is there a reason she isn't working? You don't want to be tied together financially for too long if the relationship is over..

Original poster
Neverfeltpainlikeit · 08/11/2022 21:53

She plans to work part time once she has taken the equity, though I suspect the real plan is for the other man to support her.

She mentioned her solicitor thought 70% of the equity reasonable as she has a health issue and I have “earning potential”…

OP posts:
MadameDe · 08/11/2022 21:57

I think if she wants to carry on with him, she should leave the house. That's just my opinion though and not a point in law. What she's doing is spiteful. Sorry to hear about it.

Whydidimarryhim · 08/11/2022 21:57

Make sure you have a good solicitor. It must be painful and it would be kinder if she could be a bit more sensitive to your feelings. Can you afford therapy to process the relationship ending.

CornishTiger · 08/11/2022 22:00

Why doesn’t she owl. Who is funding her new life?

greeandorange · 08/11/2022 22:00

Neverfeltpainlikeit · 08/11/2022 21:53

She plans to work part time once she has taken the equity, though I suspect the real plan is for the other man to support her.

She mentioned her solicitor thought 70% of the equity reasonable as she has a health issue and I have “earning potential”…

This seems very unfair, I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

HairyMedia · 08/11/2022 22:01

MadameDe · 08/11/2022 21:57

I think if she wants to carry on with him, she should leave the house. That's just my opinion though and not a point in law. What she's doing is spiteful. Sorry to hear about it.

She’s not a spiteful person, it’s just not part of her personality, selfish yes I can see that now, likes attention definitely.

I don’t deserve to be treated like this but I’m stuck and to our friends made to look a fool, I’m so embarrassed

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