Is a drunken kiss cheating?

[Neverfeltpainlikeit]

Does it make difference if your spouse stated that your 20 relationship was over 3 weeks ago?

Do they now have a free pass even though we are living together?

Access to joint bank account… so my salary

Well fuck that. She wants the single life. She can get a job and contribute jointly til house sells.

She has no job, no income
But half a house, or more apparently

Maybe I’m being too soft but (am I?)

Im just trying to keep the peace

So sorry your going through this.

If she has access to your salary through a joint bank account, personally I'd have my salary paid into a personal account and then transfer money for bills into the joint account if you need to (or change bills to come out of your personal account) if the relationship is over there is absolutely no reason for you to still be providing money for her lifestyle

You're being far too soft! When me and my ex split we split costs as usual for 2 months while I found a place and then that was it. Food etc was entirely on me but household bills stayed 50/50, then a further month where I paid a bit less as had to pay a deposit on the new place but we had a very very amicable split and he was forces so had a second place to pay but accommodation was cheap. Had it been normal market rates it would have been entirely on me, as it should be!

Well you have two kids so presumably her not working has enabled you to succeed in your career. You are "supporting her" financially because she, presumably, has supported you with childcare and housework. She should get her half of the house.

What she's doing isnt cheating, but is mean. You should move out or do the thing where kids stay in the house and you each live there with them half the week.

She needs access for the kids, school things, clubs, clothes, fuel etc.

It's tricky, she has been a SAHM so has supported you being able to work. Therefore, she can aim to claim more assets, but it depends how you split the access going forwards. Better get a good solicitor.
She can see who she likes, but I can see how looking after the DC while she goes on a date would irk. Make sure you get "you time" too and go out yourself as often - whether it's gym time or seeing your friends and family. It's probably best to be out alternately anyway as I'm sure the atmosphere is tough.
Don't ask her for details, it's just torturing yourself, she's being cruel if she's openly telling you.

1. not cheating
2. a drunk kiss doesn’t mean they’ve moved on

I did it- no kids but 3 years ago my husband slept with the office slut and ended our marriage for her.. it didn’t last. However, we both remained in the house, partly due to covid and his refusal to move out. I refused to leave, and I had to watch him go on dates with his little man bag and viagra pills.
Hurt like hell, but I stopped doing his cooking, his washing , cleaning etc we live like housemates until the sale of our house goes through.
I suggest you seek independent legal advice and begin to live separately while under the same roof.

suggest mediation to draw up childcare arrangements and financials.
start making arrangements to meet friends or join a gym, something just for you, start building an independent life.

it’s hurts now but it will get easier.

She's taking the piss if she's expecting you to support her financially while she pisses about with this new guy.

Time to see your own solicitor and make plans for a fair separation.

@Neverfeltpainlikeit, I remember your thread from several weeks ago. Your W had announced that she felt unhappy/unappreciated and wanted space to process, and she took off her rings. You were heartbroken and wanted to work on the marriage. She had a night out and stayed overnight with her best friend, which you felt was good for her. Things must have come to a head, as you next updated on the day your children were told you were separating. On that same day you found out that her head had been turned.

Was she cheating well before she said she wanted space? Or did she meet this guy on that night out?

You sang her praises as a wonderful and loving person, but what she’s doing now is contemptuous. She knows you are devastated, yet she is rubbing your nose in it and dating right in front of you. Where is her empathy? What kind of mother humiliates her children’s father in this mean-spirited manner? She needs to move out if she’s going to date.

I agree with others that you need to speak to a solicitor, as well as taking time for yourself. I don’t recall if you’re in IC, but I would consider seeking that support during this harrowing time.

Were you the poster who emotionally detatched from your wife two years ago and she was devastated?

It appears she is playing payback time now. Her shameless behaviour indicates she is not affraid of you and she lacks empathy, or there is more to this story and she feels you deserve no consideration at all.

This sounds like the actions of a wife that is playing 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander'.

You would probably be best moving out, have you got family you could stay with?

Being drunk doesn’t excuse any kind of cheating

if the spouse ended the relationship, it’s not technically cheating, despite being painful

you need to get moving with a solicitor and a formal split asap. The longer this drags on, the worse it is going to be emotionally. Being in the same house is not good. If you want a positive coparenting relationship, you need space to deal with your grief and anger.

bending over backwards in order to be amicable seldom works. Instead, focus on being fair and doing what is best for your children. Try to let your solicitor handle as much as possible. It helps to take the emotion out of it.

I remember that thread too.

And I recall correctly, lots of people said then that you were being a walkover.

I can't remember exactly but wasn't there some question about her taking a % of your inheritance too?

Either way, I wouldn't be funding her lifestyle now, and I wouldn't be giving her free access to the joint account. If I were you, I'd continue to pay the bills as required, including the groceries, but I wouldn't be giving her access to spending money so that she can go out and date.

She's being deeply unreasonable and uncaring about your needs. You need to toughen up or else she'll take you for a complete mug.

She's not cheating but flaunting her affair in your face is pretty shitty behaviour. Certainly not the behaviour of two people who have amicably agreed to split.

You make sure everything essential is paid for, and that all your DC's needs are covered, but if she's not going to be considerate towards how you feel, then you don't need to be rolling over and letting her take you for a fool. Get a good solicitor and get legal advice on where you stand - and then you can decide how much you're willing to fight her.

A 20 year relationship and then a drunken kiss after just 3 weeks of agreeing to split. Thats really really shit behaviour. I'm not entirely sure if its cheating, and I consider ALOT of things as cheating, but its incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.

I don't think there is any time limit on when it would be considered acceptable, but I think not living together anymore would be the absolute very minimum. At least for me it would be.

while you work during the day and parent at night wondering where she is?

Why don't you have equal date nights? Why don't you take turns?

Why don't you get on online dating or wherever and see who's out there and do some dating. You'll be surprised, I'd say. The market for decent non cheating, non addict, solvent men is buoyant.

You can explain that you're cohabiting with your ex because neither of you wants to leave and you have to sell the house etc.

I’m shocked that they can move on so quickly

They've clearly checked out some time ago.

Oh and I find that people who move in very quickly tend to bounce back after a while. By that point however, you should have moved on to someone else and will hopefully be happy and not foolish enough to entertain them.

I'm sorry I had a long marriage end like this. It was gutting how fast he moved on

This is really really horrible and I understand you don't want to leave your children, but they will be aware on some level of what is happening and it is damaging for them to live in the environment where one parent is being hurt so badly by the other. Living together needs to stop as soon as possible one way or another and you need to lawyer up. It is a painful wrench but will be better in the long run.