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Original poster

Where is my anger? (Cheating)

26 replies

Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 13:53

MUMSNET PLEASE DO NOT POST THIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

Somebody please talk some sense in to me.

I found out DP has slept with another woman. I had a suspicion and checked his phone. (I've never done this before) It appeared to be one occasion only from their conversation but I obviously cannot be sure. They were definitely having conversations I would describe as inappropriate and a complete betrayal of my trust.

I also discovered he'd been messaging 3 or 4 other women on social media and having inappropriate conversations, asking when he can visit one for sex etc..

Upon finding all this, my immediate response was to ask him to leave. He refused and said he'd do absolutely anything to keep us together. I allowed him to stay but couldn't even bring myself to look in his direction let alone touch him for a week or so. I eventually spoke to him and asked him to delete and block these women or it was over. Also that I need complete transparency, so access to his phone and that ALL his notifications were turned on so I could see conversations / messages coming through. He agreed.

Well, not one single notification has come through on his phone since that conversation we had and last night one of these women actually 'liked' one of his FB posts. He obviously hasn't done as I've asked.

I am mentally and physically exhausted. I love him with my entire heart and soul. We get on amazingly 90% of the time. We have disconnected over the past couple of years due to having two sick children. We nearly lost one of our children and he started drinking heavily. We are still battling for a diagnosis for our older child. He blames stress and alcohol for his behaviour. I cannot afford relationship counselling but could manage alone with the children and the house without him.

I feel like I'm just trying to survive, I feel numb, heartbroken and betrayed but I can't seem to find the anger within myself and I don't know why. I feel sorry for the stress he's endured although it is no excuse for his behaviour.

Why can't I just stop empathising, lose my temper and stick his bags on the drive? What the hell is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Novemberhater · 29/10/2022 13:57

Lots of us go through extreme stress and never drink to excess.

He sounds awful. You know that there's nothing to love about this man.

You know you have to get away from the relationship otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 14:03

I guess I just have to get my big girl pants on

OP posts:
Lieslies · 29/10/2022 14:17

Stress and alcohol are excuses, not reasons. The only reason anyone cheats is because they wanted to and it was fun. It's that simple. What does that say about what he really thinks of you deep down?

Don't be hard on yourself for taking a bit of time. It's such a shock.

After I found out about my ex's affair, I agreed to try and see if we could resolve things and move past it. I endured a month of minimising, more lying, him not cutting contact with her, not doing anything I asked of him, while he cried and begged and said how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. It was more of a mindfuck than the affair.

I don't think it was malice on his part. It was cowardice. He was afraid that if I knew the full truth, I'd kick him out. So he was afraid not to keep his other option on the back burner.

Eventually I lost hope of reconciling and told him to leave. Straight to live with her

That month caused me more pain and trauma than the affair. I wish I'd ended it sooner when I knew he was pissing me about.

Hermenonville · 29/10/2022 14:27

So sorry OP.
Maybe you're not angry (yet) because you are shattered by his betrayal and emotionally exhausted. Please don't beat yourself up about your situation. It sounds like he chooses to fugue into alcohol and sexual betrayal whilst you are the responsible adult taking care of all the heavy stuff. Sorry OP but he is useless and doesn't even care if he hurts you and your DCs, please don't feel sorry for him. Maybe you cannot switch off your feelings for him on demand and that's understandable. My advice would be to work on this, starting from the fact that you know you can't trust a word he says, observe how he behaves and manipulate you in everyday life. Take your time to emotionally detach and in the meantime use him for whatever he's worth, looking after the children, housework, errands, money, whatever, whilst you reorganise your life in a way that suits you.

Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 16:16

@Lieslies sorry to read you've been through similar.
Cowardice is a good word!
I just cannot believe the behaviour of some people

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 16:20

@Hermenonville Thankyou, you completely nailed how I'm feeling. I'm glad someone understands.
I am going to follow your advice. I guess there's no rush. I'll just take some time to decide what I want to do as I may have to leave my job. Confused

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 16:34

You said yourself you're exhausted. That's why you can't find your anger. I'm going to hazard a guess that you had your suspicions about the lack of notifications already.

At this point I think you can afford to take your time. Presumably the end game is separation but there's no rush.

You can live together without having any kind of sexual relationship or whatever else while you get yourself into a good enough space to be able to kick him out.

Hermenonville · 29/10/2022 17:51

@Ihatethissituation look after yourself, there's no rush and a few things to sort out. Take the time you need. He's obviously counting on you being stuck and forgiving and forgetting. Let him think what he wants and do your thing.

Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 18:15

@Hermenonville he definitely is.
I'm sat here with him enjoying a glass of wine with him acting completely normal. We're having a laugh as we normally do. Makes me so sad that I have to lose this.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 18:22

What the hell is wrong with me

The fact that you think that something is wrong with you.

Did you have a depressed/addict/ill parent when you were a kid? A demanding or ill sibling? There's something in your past that conditioned you to minimise your own needs and prioritise others.

Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 18:43

@Watchkeys my father was / is a violent alcoholic and possibly depressed. We escaped him when I was 8. I've been NC with him since I was 14/15. I don't know where he is.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 18:54

So that's why you're not angry. You've been trained not to be, throughout your childhood. Can you see the correlation? Man acts unforgivably towards you, you feel you have no choice but to feel sorry for him, and get on with your own stuff, disregarding your own emotions?

You don't need to feel angry. You need to work out what the person you most respect would do in this situation, and do that. Then, when you look back, you'll respect your response to this. Don't be looking at what's wrong/lacking in you. This isn't about your failings, or how you don't respond properly to things. There is no 'correct' emotional response to anything. All you are responsible for is making sure that you do what you need to do. You don't need to make sure you're feeling what you're 'supposed' to feel. Anger can make us into idiots anyway. If it's not your go-to emotion, that's perhaps a good thing. You can be calm, controlled, considered... cucumber-like. Take your time to work out what you want to do, and when you want to do it.

Then do it, coldly and calmly.

Keep in mind that what you're feeling is all healthy; we're meant to feel attached to our spouses; we're not designed to simply stop feeling feelings for someone like a flicked switch. We're allowed to be confused, and wonder why we're feeling how we're feeling. All 100% standard, average, and normal. These things start to feel unhealthy when they are put into unhealthy circumstances, and that's what's happened to you. All your healthy loving feelings have been dropped into a pit of 'wrong'. Don't be fooled that it's anything about you that's wrong though.

SchrodingersKettle · 29/10/2022 19:01

So, let's get this straight...while you're worrying and working yourself into an exhausted state caring for two sick kids, one of whom nearly died... he was, what exactly? So stressed about the health of his kids he was driven to sexting other women and begging them for sex?

He knew you loved and needed him, all three of you, and he went ahead and betrayed you all anyway.

You could buy all the Mr Sheen in Tesco and you still couldn't polish that turd of a man.

Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 19:37

@Watchkeys Thankyou so much. You talk so much sense.
I never even thought about my childhood affecting my decisions / reactions. I've always just got on with things. My mother is a people pleaser and I think I've inherited that trait.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 29/10/2022 19:41

@SchrodingersKettle you sum it up so perfectly. I need strong women like you in my life.
My real life friends have no idea. I feel like I can't get them involved as If I tell them it feels too 'final' as they are all mutual friends Confused

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 19:50

My mother is a people pleaser and I think I've inherited that trait

Try to see it as 'learned' rather than 'inherited'. You can un-learn it, then! And always keep in mind that when you're in healthy circumstances, you don't question yourself, your emotions, your reactions: you are an emotionally healthy person. It's your circumstances that make you feel like you're somehow faulty (ie not angry enough, in this instance), but that's because you were trained as a child that unhealthy circumstances must be endured, rather than left behind.

You simply need to walk away from this unhealthy situation. I do realise it's not easy; many simple things aren't. But it's time to take care of you now. Your feelings, your boundaries, what you want from your life, and it's not a partner who treats you this way and then pretends nothing happened, and expects you to do the same.

firstmummy2019 · 29/10/2022 19:52

Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 18:54

So that's why you're not angry. You've been trained not to be, throughout your childhood. Can you see the correlation? Man acts unforgivably towards you, you feel you have no choice but to feel sorry for him, and get on with your own stuff, disregarding your own emotions?

You don't need to feel angry. You need to work out what the person you most respect would do in this situation, and do that. Then, when you look back, you'll respect your response to this. Don't be looking at what's wrong/lacking in you. This isn't about your failings, or how you don't respond properly to things. There is no 'correct' emotional response to anything. All you are responsible for is making sure that you do what you need to do. You don't need to make sure you're feeling what you're 'supposed' to feel. Anger can make us into idiots anyway. If it's not your go-to emotion, that's perhaps a good thing. You can be calm, controlled, considered... cucumber-like. Take your time to work out what you want to do, and when you want to do it.

Then do it, coldly and calmly.

Keep in mind that what you're feeling is all healthy; we're meant to feel attached to our spouses; we're not designed to simply stop feeling feelings for someone like a flicked switch. We're allowed to be confused, and wonder why we're feeling how we're feeling. All 100% standard, average, and normal. These things start to feel unhealthy when they are put into unhealthy circumstances, and that's what's happened to you. All your healthy loving feelings have been dropped into a pit of 'wrong'. Don't be fooled that it's anything about you that's wrong though.

This is amazing advice @Watchkeys

girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 19:55

@Watchkeys I love reading your advice on threads like these. Absolutely spot on. OP I'm glad you're interacting with this poster. Please do take her comments on board.

JosephFrancis · 29/10/2022 21:44

This is a plane of emotional flatness.

Imagine a bomb going off at the end of your road and the blast knocking you off your feet. You're dazed, your ears are ringing. You're on the ground, but you can't make sense of what's happened yet, because you're stunned. The only thing you can do is what's automatic to you. Breathe. Slowly, your senses come back and you can respond to the situation before you.

That's what's happened, just emotionally. And the automatic thing for you to do is soothe.

keeprunningupthathill · 29/10/2022 21:49

If you're not angry is it just because you're past caring? I think I would be with two sick children to occupy my mind. He would be the least of my priorities to be honest.

Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 30/10/2022 07:26

@Watchkeys I really had no idea that my childhood experiences could have affected me this way. How naive of me. I've never had any counselling. Maybe it's something for me to look into.
Thankyou for taking the time to reply in such detail. Really appreciate it

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 30/10/2022 07:27

@JosephFrancis what a great description. Makes total sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 30/10/2022 07:29

@keeprunningupthathill the children are much better than they were. I don't think I'm past caring about him yet. Hope to get to that point though!

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 30/10/2022 07:35

It doesn't matter how much you care for him though, it's how much you care for yourself and your children. You are worth much much more than this. @Watchkeys gave some fantastic advice. The advice about the bomb going off was brilliant as well. You are putting the wrong person first in all this. You are putting the person who cares least about your family first.

Original poster
Ihatethissituation · 30/10/2022 07:44

@OnTheBrinkOfChange you are right. I need to look at my priorities

OP posts:
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