Am I going to become like my mother (NPD)?

[Painyed]

I’ve also posted in Parenting but might be more suited here. Please help, I feel like I’m turning into her. My DC are teens now and although I would give my life for both, I often wonder if I am NPD like her due to their repulsed and shocked reactions to me.

Apparently I’m too much or too overbearing, DD17 hardly tells me anything about what’s going on at school or in her social life anymore, she only chats and is relaxed if her friends are around, if not I get surliness and silence. I’m aware teenagers need privacy, this is more general conversation when I’m checking she is ok, I am not at her all day!

I’ve at times got tearful and yes, I’ve shouted at them about their behaviour when I feel they’re being disrespectful or I’m not getting help around the house. My anger is due to me being totally exhausted. I acknowledge my regret and apologise and talk about this after and give them affection, in fact anything they need. I always try to be open and honest and if I get it wrong, I hold my hands up, but it still feels like I mess up🙁.

As I write this, I’m anxious that in what I’m trying to avoid, I am actually being a NPD, I saw the bingo card on another thread and do use same terms with my DC as a NPD would. I am finding it hard trying to do this parenting, even at 50, just feel like a failure. Then my DC roll their eyes and say I’m attention seeking when my emotions get on top of me. Feel so very guilty and worn out as I write this. Am I narcisstic? What can I do to stop it as I’m scared.

Also DH tells me often that all arguing and stress in our lives is purely down to me, not him and that I need help. I’m awaiting talking therapy through the NHS but previously my counsellor has said I’m depressed. Tried ADs but I didn’t like. I’ve also tried HRT but then got scared and stopped as there is genetic risk.

You sound like you’re a mum who is doing her best. I’ve got two teens and I get a lot of what you get and it’s hard. I try and ignore it but do sometimes get cross when they can’t do some small thing for me.

Do you think counselling would be of benefit to you?

I have a difficult mother and I’m starting to wonder if her behaviour damaged me. I’m also so aware of not repeating patterns.

You've had a tough time growing up yourself with a NPD Mother and are maybe vulnerable to criticism and fear rejection. Your DD is 17 and behaving like an utter pain in the arse, that's how it is for some. Mine was the same, total nightmare but 10 years later we are very close. You've been damaged by your relationship with your Mother and fear she will feel like you do but the fact you are so concerned shows you are unlikely to be NPD. You are supportive and seeking a close bond, that's v different and as for your daughter, all I can say is encourage her freedom, compliment her often on little things, share some experiences with her and strap up because she's likely to have ups and downs for a few years. There's a lot you can gain from sharing small, short experiences with her, explain when she uses these words you feel worried or upset, it will build your relationship with her. Don't be so hard on yourself and seek some counselling for your own NPD Mothers influence on your self esteem. It will get better and you can too.

If you’re worried and thinking you’re NPD then you’re probably not.

I've replied but just saw this. Please reflect on if there is any liklihood of your DH being a narcissistic personality too. That type of person probably feels familiar to you and you've possibly been attracted to another NPD. Take time for yourself, there's nothing wrong with expecting less stress or wanting more happiness.

Does your husband really say that everything is your fault? Or does he just occasionally ask you to change your behaviour?

just asking as I have a family member who is suspect is borderline NPD and she takes ANY negative comment however light (eg “remember that time when you forgot to put the sugar in the birthday cake”) as a huge deal

What is the bingo card? I haven’t seen it

That sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder rather than NPD. People who have experienced deep trauma or are in abusive relationships can react similarly to what you describe. OP seems to be concerned about being like her NPD Mother. I hope your relative gets the support they need. It can be really draining for the family.

Thank you all for giving me some reassurance. This was on the parenting thread and some of them I have used when I’ve lost it or got upset. I have learnt to talk and tell my DC that my actions were wrong. It’s hard though as I don’t ever want them to feel how I did but they often get annoyed and dismissive in the simplest of requests from myself.

DH has on a number of occasions said when DC might be arguing that I started it all. Usually around just getting help around the house as I work full time or when we do things socially I just get told by DC they don’t want to participate. DH says I’m too needy. I do think he has some NPD traits but any criticism gets deflected back to me. It’s exhausting.

@VioletLemon I worry my DD could be BPD as she can be like that? I seriously feel so involved and overwhelmed it feels like I’m being narcissistic but in another way I feel this way as I worry about my affect on DC. Does that make any sense?

OP, What is the graphic, are these things your DH says to you? If it is I'd be considering an alternative future that doesn't include him. Seriously consider what are husband and DC doing to help. If it's v little then make a rota and give some jobs each week. I know it's hard to be firm when you're being gaslit but don't do their jobs. It's time you looked at how the people in your life treat you and what dynamic is acceptable to you. This isn't good.

Npd forms in childhood. It doesn't just appear in adulthood out of thin air. There may be a genetic predisposition... so actually, your kids might have it (not to say they aren't just being normal teens of course). Also we may, having had a narcissist in our life, go on to pick similar partners. Who actually as shitty role models for children. Or, again, because of a possible tendency to be cosepenent and geared towards fulfilling the needs of others (after running around after a narcissist parent) may raise spoilt children. Or instil npd at a young age by teaching them that their needs are more important than ours.

@VioletLemon his behaviour is atrocious but do you think I sound like I could be like my DM with my own DC? I’m so worried I am and them saying Im attention seeking is true.

I have tried everything including rotas, pay but I get fobbed off regarding house support. I end up doing it all and I’m so exhausted at the minute.

Read up on codependency op. And stip being a doormat. You don't have npd. But your kids might. Maybe Maybe are sti young enough that you can stop them turning into your mother. Stopping them treat you like shit.

'Do not speak to me like that' should become your new favorite phrase.

*maybe they are still young

@Pinkbonbon thank you, I’m making a note of this as I worry about this in DC, I do think I spoil them. I also think DH has some aspects of NPD but his retorts and accusations really have me believing I’m the problem.

I don't think it sounds like you are remotely NPD.
It does sound like you have low self esteem and maybe because of your own upbringing it is very hard for you to instill or even know about healthy boundaries. I think you need to ask yourself if you honestly can continue in your relationship. It sounds damaging and if it is the children pick up on that and it affects them massively. They need to see healthy role models, to go on to form their own healthy relationships. I'm sorry to say it but it does seem like your NPD Mother has set up patterns of emotional responses in you that you are manifesting in your own communications with dc. You can change this. Sometimes teens are just generally little nightmares but if there are other things like a toxic home environment that is hurting them, then you need to look at that. It just can't NOT hurt them. It's not a criticism, I've done it too but you can change things. Your dc may feel angry at you on a subconscious level and blame you for enabling the toxic environment to continue. Please do look into codependent relationships and how it can affect you. You don't sound happy and honestly life is just too short for that. You can be happy and so can your children. It's not all your fault. What would you say if your DD was in a relationship with someone exactly like your DH? Make a list of what he says, does that is unkind and imagine it was being said to her.

Dear god, the damage and stress all this bloody armchair diagnosing of NPD causes. Do you think actual psychiatrists use those fuckwitted facile internet charts? No-one can just be a simple nasty person any more, it has to be 'narcissistic'.

OP, all this has got your head so far up your own ass you have become an oozlum bird. You are in a very bad relationship with an abusive man, and you are using the words of an abusive man and a social media forum to diagnose yourself, him, your mother and god knows who else.

You need to start to untangle your head. It is very difficult to understand yourself when your partner is constantly pressing your buttons to make you feel afraid, obligated and guilty.

Start with reading Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that'. See if anything described there rings true for your relationship - it will open your eyes.

It just sounds like you want yout DC to pull their weight at home and they don't? Perhaps down tools, stop cooking everyones dinner and then see who is the drama llama?!

If I makes you feel any better I was always terrified of turning into my mum. I probably have a bit. But I also can see why my mum is/was the way she is now I'm older, wiser and have kids myself. My DS has been diagnosed as autistic and it was raised that I possibly am as well. I suspect most of my family, including my DM are TBH. My son finds it hard to understand the concept that I am a human being who has other shit going on in my life other than just being his mum. I know I was the same towards my mum. So I can understand how she felt now sometimes. I don't lose my shit spectacularly like she did when she had meltdowns. But there are times I hear myself and I sound just like her.

With regards to the NPD bingo - I think it's very common to use the same phrases and language to your children that your parents used with you. I I've found myself repeating the exact same things to my children that my mum used to say to me, especially when I'm at the end of my tether with cleaning up their mess etc.

I don't think that necessarily means anything about your personality though - just that that's the default language you use because that's what was modelled to you.

The language you use can obviously have an impact on your kids (and on how you feel about yourself) though, so if you are saying things you don't think are helpful in a situation, try to change them. I've found various mindful parenting books helpful for changing this patterning.

@Painyed , was your mother diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder or are you describing someone who behaved very selfishly and was self absorbed as a parent? They're not quite the same thing and the term NPD is used quite a lot to describe a selfish person. As a PP said your unlikely to have a personality disorder if you have the awareness to question your behaviour. I was told that by a therapist.

We all have elements of narcissism in our behaviours and a certain level of narcissism is healthy and necessary to be able to take care of ourselves. What you have been describing sounds more like difficulties with parenting and boundaries and it doesn't seem like you're in a supportive relationship with your partner. You are going to get burnt out, irritated and angry when you're shouldering the load without any help.

It also sounds like you're being scapegoated for any problems and are vulnerable to absorbing everyone else's pain and emotions (codependence). Therapy would be very helpful for you to separate yourself from this without the criticisms and blame of those with 'irons in the fire'. 💐

I should have also said in my post - you sound like a lovely, self-reflective mum and your kids sound like pretty normal teenagers.

But your partner sounds like he is actively undermining you, which will impact both your self esteem and your relationship with your kids, as it sounds like they are picking up on his attitude to you and following his lead.

Thank you all, I’m just reflecting on all the comments tonight and trying desperately not to beat myself up now. It’s great talking on here.

I think my DM might be NPD, im in my 50s and still trying to make sense of her. Saw her yesterday and feeling a bit down today. I don't have it in me to go no contact but every time I see her I feel sad. Paranoid of history repeating itself with my own DC

@Painyed
There is an internet rabbit hole you can go down with NPD, I’ve been there myself. My own mother displays a lot of mentally unhealthy traits, grandiosity, paranoia, a complete fantasist etc. The truth is that NPD is a rare and serious personality disorder that can only really be diagnosed by a psychiatrist and then it’s not an exact science.

I gave up trying to figure out my own mother a while ago. She is not a nice person and is never going to change. We no longer have a relationship.

How do you feel if you hurt other people? Do you go out of your way to blame everyone else for everything wrong in your life or do you set out to harm others? I’m guessing not. It’s unlikely you have NPD.

Definitely go back to therapy with a view to learning about healthy adult relationships. It might be that you don’t have many in your life and wouldn’t recognise one if you did. This is all from my own experience so feel free to disregard anything that isn’t applicable in your own life.

Teenagers tend to be self focused but they may well be treating you the way your DH does. Either way, learning where your boundaries are with respect to how others treat you is only going to help you and in turn, your kids, in the long run.