Do I contact woman I found messages of on DP's phone?

[WorriedandScared93]

Hi all, I am hoping to get a bit of advice really. I found some messages from another woman on my DP's phone. It was in archived section and 'muted' so it wouldn't pop up on his phone when he got a message. All very secretive. Her name wasn't even saved. I looked at the messages and all I managed to see what 'hello amazing her name xxxxxx' and then he had sent her photos of our 3 month old daughter? I don't know who this woman is so this is the part I can't deal with.

I asked him and he said it's someone he was speaking to when we had a break 3 years ago (we were going through a bad time but since being back together I thought we had been in a much better place) She was single and so was he. He tells me he never met her, not sure if I believe that. I said why are you still talking if back with me and she is also in a new relationship.

He snatched the phone off me and then I asked 'who it was' he said just a friend....

That's all I managed to see before he deleted the WhatsApp thread of messages. I regret not scrolling through more. The last message was sent yesterday. We were also away on a family holiday when I found these messages! I don't know whether to be angry he deleted the messages before I even was able to take a look and make a decision myself or the fact he's been sending photos of my daughter to someone I don't even know!!

It's all one big mess and I don't know whether to let this one go or contact the woman as I have found her Facebook and ask what has been going on?

The fact that he deleted all the messages would be enough for me tbh - why did he feel the need to do that if it's as innocent as he claims? I don't see the point in contacting her. Even if she does corroborate what's he's said, would the be enough for you?

He kept the conversation secret they were still talking yesterday and he snatched the phone and deleted the conversation when you found out. That would be enough for me to end it. I think if I was going to end it then I would contact her but she will probably message him straight away to tell him.

If you're sure it's her then send her a message. This will eat you up until you know the truth.

Yeah, message her for info and dump your husband. Try and keep your cool outwardly if you can though x

No point in sending her a message I reckon. There’s no way to tell her situation, if she’s in a relationship she will back his story up. Chances are high she knows about you so that doesn’t give her much credibility from the off.
People only delete messages if they have something to hide and that’s a fact.

Remember it's his daughter too. Will become even more important if you split up as it will be seeing your dd in person not just photos.

He’s having an affair. Sorry OP.

Thanks all. Apparently 'just friends' and a 'pen pal' type relationship. I don't trust he hasn't stopped talking to her since we have been back together.

I've messaged her on Facebook but she hasn't responded yet.

Also hasn't read it either. I asked her if she knows my partner. I'm going to wait for her to get back to me and then I'm going to say what I have seen and need more information.

@Branleuse waiting on a response still! I'm worried she won't give me the truth

Obviously the secrets aren't good, but doesn't proudly sending photos of your relatively new baby suggest more "look how good my life is now" than an affair?

You might have a long wait @WorriedandScared93 depending on her fb settings and if she even bothers.

most my messages from folks I’m
not connected to go straight to the spam folder or the other secret one that I forget to check. I don’t get notifications or know I’ve been sent messages unless I actively seek out that folder and have a look in them both.

base your decision on the behaviour he is showing you.

secret messages hidden away etc. flirtatious etc.

if it was all innocent and above board they wouldn’t be secret. Her name would be added to his contacts. He’d be ok showing you it all.

he wouldn’t be grabbing his phone back, deleting it all and getting defensive.

how many other women is he going to be ‘pen pals with other the next 30+ years?

What more do you need to know? He's clearly cheating on you.

I agree with those saying you know all you need to know. Ask yourself, would it 100% reassure you now if she responded saying they're just friends?

All else aside, the trust is gone. So the relationship is over already. Its just a question of if this will be the final push for you to leave him.

I would have said messaging her was a good idea before you spoke to him.
But now...he could have tipped her off and asked her not to say anything/lie.

Had a mate this happened with and the lady actually came clean a week or two later because she felt bad but it was such a shock that she'd appealed woman to woman to this lady and - she lied. Because the husband was on the phone manipulating her into it. So you just never know.

You don't need to hear from the OW. He's a cheat as if there's nothing in it why delete the messages. He's hiding something x

At best, he's emotionally cheating on you. At worst, he's having a full blown affair.

I would also be absolutely furious that he was sending photos of your daughter to a woman that he is claiming that he has never even met up with.

Leave him, he's incapable of telling you the truth.

Worried and Scared, much truth has already been presented to you. This is infidelity, disloyalty and contempt.

Your P is leading a double life. He is involved in a secret illicit relationship with a woman he sends kisses to and calls gorgeous. He has even involved your baby in his cheating.

He didn’t come clean when you asked for the truth. He lied, downplayed, snatched the phone, and deleted the evidence. His actions show utter contempt and callous disregard for you.

I wouldn’t need to hear anything from his OW. This low-life partner and father would be out.

Just had 2 messages back from the other woman. Apparently just friends and have always been, absolutely nothing going on. Only talk about 'football' (something I'm not interested in) and their babies each. Also apparently he never stops speaking about me and our daughter together. Sorry if I have been made to feel there is something going on....

Not sure what to think.

They’ve set up a damage control narrative.

As I said above, his behavior screams ‘illicit,’ not platonic ‘pen pal.’

*Secrecy—archived/muted/not in contacts
*Calls her amazing and sends kisses
*Blocked transparency by snatching phone and deleting messages
*If chat was only about football and children, he’d have gladly shown you the messages.

They’re making a mockery of you, @WorriedandScared93. You’ll never have peace of mind with this sneaky cheat.

This. He is still lying and minimising and she is on side with him.

What she did before responding to you was contact him to get their stories straight. Then she messaged you saying nothing was going on.

Did you just ask her if you knew your DH and nothing else?

If that is all you asked and she replied like she did, that's a way over the top response. Why would she assure you nothing was going on when you didn't ask that?

He's keeping her on a backburner because he doesn't want to commit to you. Sucks but that's what's going on.

I would want to seek out how to get things back on track personally. I'm not the "LTB" type when you have children because co-parenting apart is not fun for the couple or the children and I think we should own our choices when children are involved.

I'd be seeing if he wanted to do this then suggest living together but not as a couple, then dating.

If you can't handle that then I'd say leave because I don't see another way back from this kind of thing outside of making an effort to get back to caring about one another in a romantic way.

I wouldn't believe it sorry, as she just as immoral, she won't admit to anything more. This is someone he was speaking to when you were on a break, so it's not innocent. He's unlikely to change, you have to decide if you want to put up with him.