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Original poster

A bit hmm

45 replies

BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 02:41

I've been dating this man for over a year now. We see each other at least once a week, somtimes more depending if our scheduales allow it

He doesnt have any children. I have 2 so have to factor in babysitting costs when we do go out

Last week he had asked if I'd wanted to go out on the following Wednesday. I said I'd have to give it a miss as I'd been buying my sons birthday presents and didnt want to skint myself for the rest of the week ( I get paid weekly )

He said not a problem, he would pay for the night out ( we always split the bill equally )

Anyway, we had a lovely time on Wednesday. The bill came to £88 which was cheaper than what we usually spend between us.

Hes messaged me twice reminding me to send him the money when I get paid but has just told me that got a lift home on Wednesday evening when we parted so saved himself £30

I'll send him the money when I get paid but I'm annoyed that he knows I'm a single mum, knows I dont get any maintenance or help from my ex, saved himself £30 by getting a lift home and still wants me to send him the £44. Is it just me or is that proper tight!

His income is literally double what mine is.

I'm not going to say anything to him and I'll send him the cash I just think that's proper stingy of him

Just wanted a vent I'm trying to go to sleep and cant because I'm just looking at him differently now

OP posts:
Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 02:43

He offered originally unmasked if he was sure, he said yes. Not sure if hes forgotten he offered or what!

It's the fact hes told me he saved £30 by getting a oift home that's bothered me. Not that hes asked for it, if hes saved £30 👎

OP posts:
Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 29/10/2022 02:43

Proper tight. Did you remind him that he said he’d pay?

AuntieDickhead · 29/10/2022 02:47

He said he'd pay so whys he asking for half the money? Tight git!

Him saving £30 by getting a lift is neither here nor there IMO, unless it did cost you £30 to get there.

andmostofallyouletyourselfdown · 29/10/2022 02:48

Not the man for you.

mondaytosunday · 29/10/2022 02:52

Why not say 'oh I thought you said it was your treat this week'?
One thing I can't stand is someone who is mean with money, and this guy is exactly that. Dating for over a year and still splitting the bill each time? I don't even do that with my friends - I treat one time they the next snd it generally works out but no one is keeping a tally or anything.

Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 02:54

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 29/10/2022 02:43

Proper tight. Did you remind him that he said he’d pay?

If it was in person I'd of found it a lot easier to say I thought you said youd get it this time but the conversation was through messages so I felt awkward saying it via messages. My own fault that I know 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 02:56

AuntieDickhead · 29/10/2022 02:47

He said he'd pay so whys he asking for half the money? Tight git!

Him saving £30 by getting a lift is neither here nor there IMO, unless it did cost you £30 to get there.

It cost me £20 to get there and him £30 to get there, I feel like it is relevant as him asking for £44 when he's saved himself £30 just feels off.

If it was me I'd of stuck to my original offer and if I'd of never of offered to pay id of said "dw about that £44 I saved £30 by getting a lift anyway"

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 29/10/2022 02:57

I’d remind him he offered to pay - can you not scroll up to his messages and forward his message to him.
Then I’d tell him it’s now working for me anymore and leave.

I am all for equality when women empowerment. And of course - splitting the bill makes sense. However, there is also fairness that is important.
After a year of dating - this behaviour with money is inexcusable. And in the log term - you can’t be with someone this petty and tight.

Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 02:59

mondaytosunday · 29/10/2022 02:52

Why not say 'oh I thought you said it was your treat this week'?
One thing I can't stand is someone who is mean with money, and this guy is exactly that. Dating for over a year and still splitting the bill each time? I don't even do that with my friends - I treat one time they the next snd it generally works out but no one is keeping a tally or anything.

Because I'm an idiot who doesnt like any sort of "confrontation" even though its not really confrontation. If it was face to face I'd of found it easier to say hold on, I thought you offered to pay?

Me and my friends take it in turns too, I'm quite hurt by him tbh

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 29/10/2022 03:01

I am also wondering why you don't say 'err, you said it was your treat?'

Do you struggle with boundaries in relationships?

Agree, I think you should throw this one back.

Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 03:02

MMmomDD · 29/10/2022 02:57

I’d remind him he offered to pay - can you not scroll up to his messages and forward his message to him.
Then I’d tell him it’s now working for me anymore and leave.

I am all for equality when women empowerment. And of course - splitting the bill makes sense. However, there is also fairness that is important.
After a year of dating - this behaviour with money is inexcusable. And in the log term - you can’t be with someone this petty and tight.

Yeah I agree about fairness which is why I've always paid half, mainly though if I'm being honest it's more because I dont like feeling like I owe someone.

That's what is it for me. It feels petty and tight

I dont feel like I can forward him the messages now. I was that surprised I just said oh okay you'll have to wait until next week as I've been buying presents

OP posts:
Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 03:04

Whataretheodds · 29/10/2022 03:01

I am also wondering why you don't say 'err, you said it was your treat?'

Do you struggle with boundaries in relationships?

Agree, I think you should throw this one back.

Maybe, my last relationship was 18 to 25. It was abusive, physically emotionally and financially. Hes the first man I've dated in almost 5 years. Well 4 as we started dating last year

Also, I'm not very good at any perceived "confrontation" even if it's not real confrontation, If I feel like it is, then I struggle with it

OP posts:
AuntieDickhead · 29/10/2022 03:05

BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 02:56

It cost me £20 to get there and him £30 to get there, I feel like it is relevant as him asking for £44 when he's saved himself £30 just feels off.

If it was me I'd of stuck to my original offer and if I'd of never of offered to pay id of said "dw about that £44 I saved £30 by getting a lift anyway"

Show quote history

So it cost you £20 to get there and, presumably £20 to get back? So £ 40 on a night out you couldn't afford?

TBH, if after a year he's still expecting to go halves, and you can't speak up and remind him he said he'd pay then I think he's not the man for you. Sorry. :(
I know how hard dating is as a single parent btw. Probably why I don't bother

Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 03:05

Yeah I wont be looking to take this any further with him,

I was happy just dating, I dont want to marry anyone or move in with anyone ect but I did want to have a nice time with someone. This has soured it for me really

OP posts:
Original poster
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 03:09

AuntieDickhead · 29/10/2022 03:05

So it cost you £20 to get there and, presumably £20 to get back? So £ 40 on a night out you couldn't afford?

TBH, if after a year he's still expecting to go halves, and you can't speak up and remind him he said he'd pay then I think he's not the man for you. Sorry. :(
I know how hard dating is as a single parent btw. Probably why I don't bother

Show quote history

Ahh this is difficult, I could afford it, but couldnt that week as such as I'd been buying presents and I get paid weekly. It's not like my children or household things go without so I can go out dating or anything like that.

It is hard. I'm not short of offers but it's hard to find someone whose genuine isnt it. I thought he was but now I'm not sure

Even me and my friends dont do halves like that but I'm quite proud and wouldnt ever want a man to say "after everything I've done for you ect" to me again

Deary me. This is just bloody difficult. I feel quite sad right now

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 29/10/2022 03:11

Please don't send him the money. Instead use the money to do the freedom programme.

You deserve better.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 29/10/2022 03:12

Also you usually have to pay babysitter! Nah get rid .

Pixiedust1234 · 29/10/2022 03:13

Ignore the lift bit, thats not really anything to do with it.

Remind him that he offered to pay as you were skint and couldn't go. If he replies that he had forgotten and apologises then all good. If he says he was only paying for you until payday then you know for certain to wave byebye (and don't pay). But truthfully you shouldn't be splitting anymore. It should have evolved into a i pay this meal, you cook dinner or cinema type exchanges.

MMmomDD · 29/10/2022 03:16

My point about fairness is slightly different though.
When newly dating - 50/50 split of going out bill makes sense. But as it becomes more of a relationship - I think fairness needs to include more than a simplistic division.
Every time you go out - you have to pay babysitting. You make less than him - and I
am sure you won’t necessarily be going to the same places he would chose.
So - fair split is a more complicated formula in this situation. At least in my opinion.
In the long term - he isn’t going to be there for you in any way that matters. Not if this is how he treats you now.

You need to stand up for yourself and say -
‘on second thought’ - [insert copy of his text]….
Don’t let pride get in the way of demanding respect.

Whatacrocof · 29/10/2022 03:24

My ex was a tight arse! I always paid my share if not more than (usually always used my car for trips out). It won’t ever change.

Butterfly44 · 29/10/2022 05:12

You weren't going to go out. He persuaded you saying it was his treat.

I'd message and say it's been bugging you and you'll send money when you can but unfortunately it's marred your opinion of him so you're calling it a day.

pinkfondu · 29/10/2022 06:05

£44 is a cheap lesson. Not just in this guy but for you and how willing you are to speak up. Finish with him. Trust that feeling. Then don't date for a little while. Just be honest and think about how this relationship was. What were you happy with. What did you uncomfortably comprise yourself on? Use it to build your boundaries for the next one

Buildingthefuture · 29/10/2022 06:58

I know this is totally normal for some people…they split everything literally 50/50 and I have friends that do it. But it honestly gives me the ick in relationships. I am very independent and would never expect anyone to pay for me, but after a year and with him fully knowing your situation? Nope! It’s just….miserly and mean. Total turn off.
Agree that the bigger issue though is that you aren’t comfortable telling him. If something is bothering you then, after a year, you should of course feel comfortable bringing it up. I think you do need to so some work on your confidence, self esteem and boundaries. You could start by being brave and telling him how this has made you feel. If he reacts with anything other than “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t think” (because honestly, a lot of men just don’t!) then bin him…..

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/10/2022 07:23

Gosh op. I have been with my dp for 3 years and am a single mum. He earns over 3x what I do and sometimes we split the bill but mostly he pays (I never expect him to but he won’t usually hear of me paying). He has even offered to help me with my energy bills this winter (I won’t accept unless I’m desperate though).

I would definitely be reminding him of his offer to pay (otherwise you wouldn’t have gone out) and then reconsider the relationship. I would probably pay him back first though so I couldn’t be made to feel like I owed him.

I get wanting to be independent as I am fiercely so and never want to become reliant on a man but that’s different to being treated now and again when someone is in a stronger financial position to you x

bluebird3 · 29/10/2022 08:03

It's really tight and shows how much he values money. I think it shows what kind of person he is.

My aunty had two kids and remarried someone who was tight to begin with but then financially abusive. He hated any of his money going towards her kids and would walk into the room they were sitting in and turn off the lights if he thought the light from the window was enough. They had a child together and she stayed home and he never gave her any money without eye rolling. She went from being an independent single mum to scrounging for change in the car to buy groceries as it was so awkward asking him for money. She eventually left him but it ruined her financially.

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