A bit hmm

[BlipFlipBopFlop]

I've been dating this man for over a year now. We see each other at least once a week, somtimes more depending if our scheduales allow it

He doesnt have any children. I have 2 so have to factor in babysitting costs when we do go out

Last week he had asked if I'd wanted to go out on the following Wednesday. I said I'd have to give it a miss as I'd been buying my sons birthday presents and didnt want to skint myself for the rest of the week ( I get paid weekly )

He said not a problem, he would pay for the night out ( we always split the bill equally )

Anyway, we had a lovely time on Wednesday. The bill came to £88 which was cheaper than what we usually spend between us.

Hes messaged me twice reminding me to send him the money when I get paid but has just told me that got a lift home on Wednesday evening when we parted so saved himself £30

I'll send him the money when I get paid but I'm annoyed that he knows I'm a single mum, knows I dont get any maintenance or help from my ex, saved himself £30 by getting a lift home and still wants me to send him the £44. Is it just me or is that proper tight!

His income is literally double what mine is.

I'm not going to say anything to him and I'll send him the cash I just think that's proper stingy of him

Just wanted a vent I'm trying to go to sleep and cant because I'm just looking at him differently now

I can see why it's upset you and why you didn't say anything.
It must feel like that after a year you're not important enough for him to treat you.
I'd have been embarrassed to remind him what he said about paying too.
He's definitely a tight arse, nowt worse that cheap arse man or woman for that matter.
£44 is a cheap lesson to show you who he is.
I wouldn't dream of asking a date to send me money especially not a piddling amount like £44.
Pay him and don't see him again, you don't need to explain other than saying "this isn't working for me"
If you mention the money he'll turn it round onto you being some sort of golddigger

I think you’re right to listen to your instinct about this. He remembers the conversation you had. He knows he offered to pay. This moving of the goalposts indicates something more complex than simply being tight. He’s also seeing what he can get away with…how passive you are.

Agree with pictish.

If you look at the relationship properly op there must be more lacking in other areas.
Some of which will be highlighted for you now with this incident.

You're sad but I think you know it's the final straw.

Hope you get the confidence to end it.

Like you say it's soured.

Going against the grain here but could this potentially be a communication issue?

It sounds like he perhaps meant that he would cover the cost until you were able to pay him back rather than pay for the whole thing. If you have always gone 50/50 before is it unreasonable of him to think this was what you were going to do this time?

What is he like the rest of the time?

Would it be worth sitting down and having a proper talk about finances, perhaps along the lines of

” when I said I couldn’t afford to go out this week, I meant I couldn’t afford it at all rather than I couldn’t afford it until I got paid. When you offered to pay I thought you meant for the whole thing rather than just until I could pay you back. I’m struggling with the cost of babysitters just now so probably can’t afford to go out as much”

Hold him to his word. Treat him with the disdain to which he is treating you.

Hello Phil. Apologies for the delayed response, but your request for money has been bugging me. I made it clear that I couldn't afford to go out. You made it clear that it would be your treat after some degree of persuasion from you. Now you are asking me for half of the amount. It doesn't sit right with me that you could go back on your word. I will donate the £44 to a foodbank. Regards @BlipFlipBopFlop

When you think about it, it’s controlling.

You tell him you can’t afford to go out with him that week as you have bought your son birthday presents. Fine and normal.
He offers to foot the bill. Fine and normal.
Then he asks you to pay your half of the bill, knowing that you don’t have it. Not fine and not normal. It puts you on the back foot because somehow you now ‘owe’ him.He’s trampling over your commitment as a parent, your budget and your autonomy over your free time.
He wants to make sure you noiselessly prioritise him.

Sounds dramatic I know…but when you really examine it…

Can you imagine doing this to him? Or anyone else? No? Why not?
Quite.

I'm wondering if this was just a miscommunication too, rather than a power move. He was offering to cover your half of the bill until you could pay him back, but you thought he was offering to treat you. Either way, it is very stingy of him to never treat you after a year together. It tells you a lot about him and the type of future you would have together.

I would end it with him. You wouldn't have gone if you'd known you were going to have to pay, and for him to slam you with a bill after promising he would pay for it is really horrible.

You've been together a year and you're still splitting the bill when you go out?

That's normally the sort of thing you do early on in a relationship, it sounds like you've just met!

I agree with the above.

You are not going to be able to have a decent relationship op, unless you can hold some basic boundaries!

Well done for recognising the issue though, and I wish you all the best for the future; you sound like a kind and genuine person.

Some of the ltb reactions on here are ridiculous. Maybe he's genuinely forgotten that he said he'd cover it? Don't over complicate things, just a simple one liner saying "oh you said you were covering the costs this time, I did tell you I couldn't afford it." Then go by his reaction to that.

If he doesn't backtrack, I'd be inclined to throw in the cost of the babysitter into the mix. And then if you really want to push it, take out the £30 he saved on getting a lift.

It all sounds very expensive for a midweek date anyway. Do neither of you drive? Why didn't he just come round to yours with a takeaway?

He messaged you twice ? Awful. Let him have the money when you get paid then ditch him.

Do you think he actually forgot he said he would treat you or was he just trying it on? How would he take it if you said, hey I thought you were getting it?

I do agree it’s not LTB time yet. You should politely challenge him then go by the response. Of course it is entirely possible that he forgot, but to my mind very unlikely.

“Hi again…you had offered to pay for the night we went out. Do you still want me to pay half?
(Insert some cheery bla bla bla here so he can’t accuse you of being arsey)
xx”

Then wait.

His ego couldn't take you brushing him off so he offered to pay. Now he wants what he feels HE is also entitled to. You will always feel awkward about costs now and he will feel he always has the upper hand because he can always afford to go out.

Just send him another text. 'Hi x, this has been bugging me a bit, you've asked me for half of our night out after you said you'd pay for it because I couldn't have gone out otherwise. I'll give you the money when I get paid, but next time, don't offer if you're not going to follow through'

Disgusting behaviour! Get rid asap.

🤮

The really great thing about miserly tight gits is that they always out themselves early on in a relationship. They just cannot help it because a few ££ is always more important to them than the most wonderful girl friend in the world.

That means that the only people who carry on going out with them have actively chosen to do so because buying a relationship seems normal to their low self-esteem, or are the sort of people who feel pressurised into 'proving' that they are not 'gold diggers'.

Don't feel pressurised, OP. Tell him he offered to pay all of it, and then block him.

‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’

Youve been in the relationship a year and he’s not prepared to treat you. He knew it was a tight week for you. So whether or not you had agreed to pay half, he didn’t think to do a kind thing and ‘write it off’. Honestly, he’s showing you his character. You may want to play fairly by always splitting half, but he does earn twice what you do. And if boot was on the other foot, I’m sure you wouldn’t think anything of treating him. It’s what we like to do for our loved ones - treat and look after them.

Don’t fall into this trap. You deserve better than this.