Please tell me the truth. AITA?

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Been with partner for 10 years (split for a while so no longer live together but share a DC). He also has DC to an ex who has been nothing short of difficult, dragged through court for years, manipulation of DC, lies and just all round nasty including to me and my DC. I have always been supportive to him re. this and never risen to her behaviour.

Haven't seen the DC for 18 months. Now ex has called him being very friendly as if she hasn't put us through hell for the past 5 years. Now, this is obviously a good thing (although she can flick like a switch so no telling if it will last) and he may be able to see his DC soon.

HOWEVER, he has a reputation for having a bit of a bad attitude at times. I have often not liked they way he has spoken to me and have told him this. Stressed with work? I get it. Tired? I get it. You get the picture.

My issue is, now he has been speaking to ex on the phone all friendly, not just civil or pleasant but discussing people they both know etc. HE said he will always hate her her for what she has put everyone through but will put on this facade and do whatever it takes and that he's only manipulating her. This made me feel very uneasy.

Anyway, I haven't been well past few days (MH related) and he knows this (although didn't ask why I was unwell). Tonight he came to collect DC (he has one night a week 1-1 time and normally we spend a couple days togther and a couple of days apart, particularly if he has a lot on at work) and asked me if I wanted him to do something trivial. Already I felt his tone was off but I just nicely said 'if you like' and he snapped 'I just asked you if you wanted me to do it' as if I was an idiot. I understand it sounds so petty but I don;t like the way it makes me feel and he's always said he can;t help it or is stressed with work and didn't mean it.

So tell me, how the fuck can he be nice and friendly with someone who has done this to us but not to me?? How can he 'force' it with her? I fully understand he needs to get on with her (or she will withhold contact again) but I feel it is not only overkill, but making a mockery of me when he can't 'force' himself to do the same.

Now the AITA part. After this trivial incident tonight I felt tearful and sent him a nasty message telling him he would never speak to me as if I was stupid very again, called him a stupid dick and made it clear I was done. I know it was really childish and I know he desperately wants to see his DC. I just can't help feeling disrespected. Do I need to act like she's done for him to be nice to me? Or am I just being insecure and should have cut him some slack because I can't properly understand the pain of not having my DC in my life for any amount of time.

I feel I just totally flew off the handle. Please help me understand my own feelings, I don't know what to do.

The other thing I'm worried about is I know he will be so difficult with me if I stick to this as this is what he did when we split before. He knows I would never stop him seeing DC as he's nice to them, they love him and I have no safeguarding concerns. I also have no family support and I'm mostly dependant on him for transport for DC which he knows so he can say anything he wants to me and I can't do a thing about it. Ex has a partner, money and lots of family so it was never an issue for her. I feel so trapped.

No. Don’t cut slack for people to disrespect you.

So basically you feel trapped because you're dependent on him.

You need to sort out alternatives for the transport issue for the dc, to get rid of his method of control.

What is the issue with transport?

@Sausagelove thank you for your reply. So do you think I'm entitled to feel that way despite the circumstances with his DC? It has been very hard for him. Wish I hadn't have been so childish texting him. I don't know how to explain it, it was as if I physically couldn't speak to him properly because of the way he looked at me and his tone.

Any advice about how to co parent if he's not particularly nice? I couldn't upset my DC so it feels like he can say anything and I just have to put up with it or DC misses out and I'm as bad as her. I never should have got back together but everything was better and I felt in control. Now I feel helpless and hopeless. I'll need to communicate with him for at least 10 years.

The ex is a red herring- his communication with you is shitty and that’s not acceptable.

Life’s too short to be spoken to like shite OP, I wouldn’t put up with it and be ltb but you might want to give him an ultimatum if it might help him think how awful he’s being.

@category12 I live rurally and can't drive for medical reasons. It was doable until 2 DC's started different competitive sports which are very regular and travel is involved. It's hard enough with training in the nearby villages due to lack of local transport and barely any taxis, so I couldn't even move closer to either training facility as it wouldn't make any difference for all the further travelling.

Sorry, I know I sound defeatist, I just can't see a way out that won't harm DC or that will help me independent and not spoken to like shit. It's not as bad as that when we're together, it's not all the time, but apart he was really awful to me and didn't help much. I think I was so grateful he was being nice and reasonable I took him back.

@DowntonCrabby I know you're right. I suppose it's just the injustice of it but the problem was already there.

How do I get out of this mess without affecting my children?

Maybe consider a big life change of moving to a town or city with decent public transport? If you live rurally and can't drive, it's not going to get easier as you get older, and the dc will benefit from being able to get around independently as they grow up. It might also make accessing the sports easier for them.

Aside from that, their sports may be important to them, but so are the relationship models they're exposed to.

Your mistake was in getting back together with this man. Your relationship is toxic and it needs to end permanently.

I don't understand why so much of your post was about his ex, how she behaves, and how he speaks to her. Frankly, if he had never met her and had no other kids he still has no right to speak to you as if you ate stupid.

I think you do sound insecure and it is worrying that you sound like you tolerate being disrespected as long as he isn't being nice to someone else.

Thank you @category12 @Aquamarine1029

@Natty13 I suppose my post is centred on that because she has only been back in touch and he is making an effort to be nice to her and not me. I'm not concerned he has feelings for her, it's just how can you be so nice to someone who has done these bad things to you and your family but not nice to the person you are with who supported you through it all? I could have used other examples like work colleagues but they haven't caused any issues for me personally, this one has just really got to me because of the years of stress and hurt.

it is worrying that you sound like you tolerate being disrespected as long as he isn't being nice to someone else.

I suppose I didn't really know if I was being disrespected or I was being over sensitive until this comparator. Most of the time it's good, but he used to be awful so the slightest thing and I feel back to that time IYSWIM.

He is probably being nice to her because she wouldn't tolerate him speaking to her like she is a moron. I don't allow anyone to talk rudely to me, no matter how much I love them or how much it hurts to walk away. Eventually it becomes ingrained in you and your self esteem grows as a result. Then what follows is that people generally stop treating you badly or being mean.

Thimk about it, you don't find people posting on these boards for advice that they are strong willed and take zero shit but their partners are being nasty to them or taking the piss in other ways.

That is absolutely correct. The thing is, she managed this by refusing to let him see DC. If he did anything she didn't like, no contact for months at a time. Not just for occasionally speaking sharply but literally anything. We couldn't do right for doing wrong.

But I couldn't play that game with my DC, so how do I get him to stop?

Your problem is that he is abusive and talks to you like shit, not that he is nice to his ex. You should leave his ex out of it and not concentrate on her at all. If he wanted to see his kid he could have gone to court, she can't keep them from him for 18 months. I think you need to concentrate on leaving him and trying to get some independence the car thing is tricky but maybe even moving somewhere more convenient would help? Time to focus on yourself and not him and his ex.

He did go to court, on more than one occasion over the years. Most recent took a long time due to covid. Never missed an appointment or contact time. I went to court with him, all communication to and from lawyer had me CC'd in (although I wasn't allowed in the actual court room obviously)

I know you are all right. I suppose this has just been the final straw. Before I could concentrate on the good and put it down to work stress but this has really pissed me off.

Thanks all.

The best thing I ever did for my mh was to stop relying on my ex

OP, I don't quite understand the transport issue. Does he take them to their activities now? Surely he would just continue to do so?

Or does he only treat the DC well contingent on you letting him treat you like an idiot?

Previously he did next to nothing. One night a week while he took his DC 2-3. Nothing inbetween that for ours.. I'm not sure he would do the same now but it's obviously a worry because he has been capable.

I have to add, one of my children are not his. He didn't see my DC while we were separated, only the one we have together, but does everything now for both.

I'm an idiot, aren't I.

So, does anyone know how I deal with any verbal abuse when separated? Do I just put up with it (well, ignore) and stick solely to child related issues and he'll eventually get fed up and stop?

Please end your romantic relationship with this awful man. This is the relationship blue print that your children are growing up with. Do you want them to end up in a similar relationship with some who treats them so badly? You need to accept he’ll be less/not involved with your children but that’s his choice and you can’t force him to be a respectful partner or a good father. Your children need to see that you won’t tolerate someone treating you like crap.

Look up the grey rock method. I got a cheap £15 pay as you go, second phone solely for texts with him about the children. I refused to speak with him, ignored all non child related messages and kept any replies short and to the point. It took two years of hell before my ex moved on from making my life hell but it was absolutely worth it.

Thank you x

I feel really down today and can't sleep. Nothing has been said between us barring a single civil texts re. arrangements so I'm thinking perhaps I have been oversensitive? How do I know if I'm right? And if I am, how do I stay strong?