Please tell me the truth. AITA?

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Been with partner for 10 years (split for a while so no longer live together but share a DC). He also has DC to an ex who has been nothing short of difficult, dragged through court for years, manipulation of DC, lies and just all round nasty including to me and my DC. I have always been supportive to him re. this and never risen to her behaviour.

Haven't seen the DC for 18 months. Now ex has called him being very friendly as if she hasn't put us through hell for the past 5 years. Now, this is obviously a good thing (although she can flick like a switch so no telling if it will last) and he may be able to see his DC soon.

HOWEVER, he has a reputation for having a bit of a bad attitude at times. I have often not liked they way he has spoken to me and have told him this. Stressed with work? I get it. Tired? I get it. You get the picture.

My issue is, now he has been speaking to ex on the phone all friendly, not just civil or pleasant but discussing people they both know etc. HE said he will always hate her her for what she has put everyone through but will put on this facade and do whatever it takes and that he's only manipulating her. This made me feel very uneasy.

Anyway, I haven't been well past few days (MH related) and he knows this (although didn't ask why I was unwell). Tonight he came to collect DC (he has one night a week 1-1 time and normally we spend a couple days togther and a couple of days apart, particularly if he has a lot on at work) and asked me if I wanted him to do something trivial. Already I felt his tone was off but I just nicely said 'if you like' and he snapped 'I just asked you if you wanted me to do it' as if I was an idiot. I understand it sounds so petty but I don;t like the way it makes me feel and he's always said he can;t help it or is stressed with work and didn't mean it.

So tell me, how the fuck can he be nice and friendly with someone who has done this to us but not to me?? How can he 'force' it with her? I fully understand he needs to get on with her (or she will withhold contact again) but I feel it is not only overkill, but making a mockery of me when he can't 'force' himself to do the same.

Now the AITA part. After this trivial incident tonight I felt tearful and sent him a nasty message telling him he would never speak to me as if I was stupid very again, called him a stupid dick and made it clear I was done. I know it was really childish and I know he desperately wants to see his DC. I just can't help feeling disrespected. Do I need to act like she's done for him to be nice to me? Or am I just being insecure and should have cut him some slack because I can't properly understand the pain of not having my DC in my life for any amount of time.

I feel I just totally flew off the handle. Please help me understand my own feelings, I don't know what to do.

OP I understand your frustration. My DH can be like this at times, not treating me like I’m stupid but may be OTT about something. Yet keeps a lid on things with his ex.
DH hates his ex, I mean really hates her. I couldn’t imagine the father of my child feeling that way about me and can’t understand why any woman wouldn’t care as long as she’s getting all her own way despite the impact on their DC - disgusting behaviour.

I guess from the mans point of view they just want to keep their high-conflict ex on side so their access to their DC isn’t affected. Yet with their partner they see it as someone safe and stable so they don’t feel on edge to control their behaviour in the same way. It’s wrong, obviously.

The key thing here is not about how he treats other people but whether you can tolerate being treated like that. Only you know the full extent of what’s going on and what your boundaries are.

In terms of if you want to end the relationship - don’t stay because of convenience. Your DC will adapt if they have to miss out on activities, etc, and in a few years they would likely have given up those activities anyway. Remember their dad will still have a responsibility to them even if you’re not together (well, the one who is joint child). And he will have to pay you maintenance. There are benefits you can get also.
If he is horrible with you just refuse to engage and only discuss child care arrangements and maintenance. He will soon get the message

Haven't seen the DC for 18 months.
Who hasn't seen which children?

The thing is, she managed this by refusing to let him see DC. If he did anything she didn't like, no contact for months at a time. Not just for occasionally speaking sharply but literally anything.
And what did he do about this, other than just accept it?
Did he talk to a solicitor, go through court for a contact order?

Sorry OP I see he did make some legal attempts to see his previous DC.

But it reads like he uses his ability to ferry your DC around as a lever to control you with.

I don't like how dependent you are on him, & how isolated living rurally & being unable to drive. I agree with PP saying investigate a move back to soemwhere with better transport links & more easily accessible facilities for your DC - they are going to need this more & more as they get older.

Also - please stop ruminating about his motivations & his ex.
He is playing you off against her, & likely vice versa.
He behaves the way he does because he wants to. That is all you need to know.
This is how you deal with him going forward - www.calmsage.com/what-is-grey-rock-method/

Stop allowing him to control you with his belittling speech & unreliable co-parenting. Practice Grey Rock, & look into how you can relocate.

Is he snappy with the kids? Can he control his temper with them? If so, he absolutely CAN control his temper with you, he just chooses not to.
Perhaps you should move into a town or village where you are no longer dependent on him to do the driving.