Brother - inappropriate comments - how to deal?

HazelBlazerBlue · 2022-10-28T12:21:52+00:00

I’ve had a difficult relationship with my brother who is 3 years older than me. There was some inappropriate sexual activity when I was around 11 (not SI) which has messed up my head for a lot of my life. I distanced myself from him for many years. I was also victim of other SA as a child so sensitive to men/sexual attention even as an adult. we are now in our 60s and I’ve recently got closer to him in that we meet for lunch every two months. My issue is that he often makes inappropriate comments about his sex life. I’ve said a few times that I don’t want him to talk about sex with me, I’m his sister and this crosses a boundary. But yet again just now he alikened something (innocuous) to the release he feels at orgasm. I don’t want to write him out of my life as the rest of our family has passed away and he’s all I have left. But his comments are triggering for me because of the shit of my childhood from men. Any advice on this please? I feel really torn… what would you do?

GetOffTheRoof · 28/10/2022 13:28

Write him out of your life. This man doesn't deserve your time or attention. He continues to abuse the boundaries of your relationship and its grossly inappropriate and as you said, triggering.

Family isn't the be all and end all - other people in your life are much more important than he will ever be.

Choose to spend time with people you love and who love you. Not people who want to keep abusing you. It's very hard when you've been through what you have, but it's OK to do that.

Give yourself permission to tell him to fuck right off.

I'm sorry he's still like this, but there's nothing you can do to change him, you can only control whether you engage with him.

PS5Gamer · 28/10/2022 13:29

I’d have no further contact with him. He sounds repulsive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2022 13:30

The abuse you suffered as a child is not your fault in any way and is all on the perpetrators. I sincerely hope you’ve had support and therapy re the abuse.

I am sorry you have no other family but that being said you do not need him in your life because he remains abusive towards you now. You’ve told him and he continues to disregard a clear boundary you’ve set. He has not changed in these intervening years and he still wants to exert power and control.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/10/2022 13:30

Agree with PP, he's revolting OP, he doesn't deserve a relationship with you

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 28/10/2022 13:31

Get rid of him

SalviaOfficinalis · 28/10/2022 13:33

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

He enjoys making you feel uncomfortable.

You can’t change his behaviour, you can only change your own.

I do think it would be best if you cut him out. Just because he’s the only family you have left doesn’t mean he deserves to be in your life.

HazelBlazer · 28/10/2022 13:36

Thank you. That’s given me objective advice. I think the thing that’s stopping me from ceasing all contact is the guilt… Guilt that I’ve never been able to be honest and challenge him about what happened when we were younger, guilt that he’s recently had a cancer diagnosis and I lost my little brother to cancer when he was 14 so it seems heartless to walk away from
older brother and the awful guilt of why I didn’t stop him/tell my parents at the time it was happening. Yes, I have had lots of intense counselling over the years and am at peace with it now. But his comments keep triggering me now in the present. Okay, do you think I could/should take a firm stand and tell him that any more inappropriate remarks and I’ll cut contact?

SalviaOfficinalis · 28/10/2022 13:40

You have nothing to feel guilty for.

I personally don’t think there’s any point in giving him one last chance, as unfortunately he won’t change - it will just be an opportunity for him to guilt/manipulate you. I think it would be better just to cut contact immediately.

Summerhouse2013 · 28/10/2022 13:40

HazelBlazer · 28/10/2022 13:36

Thank you. That’s given me objective advice. I think the thing that’s stopping me from ceasing all contact is the guilt… Guilt that I’ve never been able to be honest and challenge him about what happened when we were younger, guilt that he’s recently had a cancer diagnosis and I lost my little brother to cancer when he was 14 so it seems heartless to walk away from
older brother and the awful guilt of why I didn’t stop him/tell my parents at the time it was happening. Yes, I have had lots of intense counselling over the years and am at peace with it now. But his comments keep triggering me now in the present. Okay, do you think I could/should take a firm stand and tell him that any more inappropriate remarks and I’ll cut contact?

Just thought I'd mention you've name changed.....

HazelBlazer · 28/10/2022 13:42

Ooops - I don’t know how NC happened (crap IT skills here). Not being shady

Dahliasstillinbloom · 28/10/2022 13:46

SalviaOfficinalis · 28/10/2022 13:33

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

He enjoys making you feel uncomfortable.

You can’t change his behaviour, you can only change your own.

I do think it would be best if you cut him out. Just because he’s the only family you have left doesn’t mean he deserves to be in your life.

This. Sounds deliberate attempt to abusive you with words.
Cut him out.

FlowerBrooch · 28/10/2022 13:46

Please get this man out of your life, he knows what he did and is still getting a thrill in saying stuff to you. It’s not heartless of you to break contact at all.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 13:47

I don’t want to write him out of my life as the rest of our family has passed away and he’s all I have left.
I understand your feeling here OP but you need to reframe it.
I am sure you have many people in your life - none of whom make inappropriate sexual remarks to you.
The fact of him being your last surviving blood relative does NOT make any of this excusable & it does NOT mean that you need to tolerate it.

Your brother knows that his sexual remarks make you uncomfortable.
You have told him you need him to stop doing it.
And yet he persists ...
How curious. Almost as if he doesn't understand English ...! - but you know he does. So you need to face the fact that he is doing it deliberately.

When he insists on making sexually inappropriate remarks despite you asking him not to, he is boundary testing you.
It is also a dominance display - showing you that your feelings & wishes are unimportant.
I suspect he enjoys your discomfort.

Please read this short essay about boundary testers & how they operate -
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

You need to protect yourself by remembering that this is not just your brother - it is your sexual abuser. I doubt you will cut him out as you don't sound ready to assert yourself that far yet - you seem to feel you owe him continued attachment.
That is obviously your decision, so what I will advise is that next time he pulls this stunt, you pull him up sharp.
"Bro, I've told you several times not to do that. I don't know why you keep doing it,
but I don't need to put up with it, so I'm leaving now, & will see you again when you've had time to think about why you think about how unacceptable it is to talk to me like that."

And mean it. Leave.
And when you see him again - if he does it again - leave again.
And only allow 1 more instance before you stop bothering.

Every time you allow him to crash your boundary & get away with such rudeness, you are tacitly informing him that you will tolerate it. That you are not important, your feelings are not valid, & that he can do what he likes without consequences.

Are you going to be able to do this OP?
Because if you do not I reckon he will escalate. I am sorry to be so blunt but I think he is grooming you. You do not owe your loyalty to a groomer.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 13:49

HazelBlazer · 28/10/2022 13:36

Thank you. That’s given me objective advice. I think the thing that’s stopping me from ceasing all contact is the guilt… Guilt that I’ve never been able to be honest and challenge him about what happened when we were younger, guilt that he’s recently had a cancer diagnosis and I lost my little brother to cancer when he was 14 so it seems heartless to walk away from
older brother and the awful guilt of why I didn’t stop him/tell my parents at the time it was happening. Yes, I have had lots of intense counselling over the years and am at peace with it now. But his comments keep triggering me now in the present. Okay, do you think I could/should take a firm stand and tell him that any more inappropriate remarks and I’ll cut contact?

CSA survivors struggle with guilt OP.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.
What therapy have you received about the CSA, & are you able to access help again now?

Fe345fleur · 28/10/2022 13:50

Grim, inappropriate and disrespectful. I would cut off contact.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/10/2022 13:54

Don't tell him you're cutting contact, just do it, you don't need people like this in your life

HazelBlazer · 28/10/2022 13:55

Thank you. I appreciate all these replies. I think I need to end this as as you all say, it’s just going to continue.

i have asked for further counselling but there’s an 18 month waiting list. I’ll do it though.

Thank you everyone. This means a lot. You are all of the same viewpoint. I have the clarity I needed. 💐

Remainiac · 28/10/2022 13:58

BiL is like this, I can’t stand it. Same age group, lost his 35 yr marriage over his incorrigible punting. Gross, repulsive, disrespectful and he thinks I’m the one with the problem (and his ex wife of course - we just need to lighten up). I won’t have him in the house and actually think he should be in prison.
You’re not wrong or unreasonable OP, these men are vile. The grimmest of the grim.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 14:01

Hazel, I am so relived & happy for you.

Having had your viewpoint skewed from such an early age, & having undergone the trauma of CSA & ACE, you have done well to listen to your instincts here.

Well done for posting, & for listening hard to advice, no matter that it must have been distressing to read. If you need to keep posting to help you stay strong of feel supported, please do ... you deserve to be heard, to be validated, & to have a bunch of kick arse-women (some of them fellow survivors) at your fingertips. It's ok to have a wobble about this & how unpleasant cutting contact might feel for a while - but stick to your guns.

And do not let your brother Hoover you back in ...
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

JoonT · 28/10/2022 14:04

PS5Gamer · 28/10/2022 13:29

I’d have no further contact with him. He sounds repulsive.

I agree. My brother was a pain when I was young. I mean, he would tease me/wind me up, etc. But that's kind of normal. "Inappropriate sexual activity," as you put it, is completely abnormal. He was obviously a nasty, repulsive child who has grown into a nasty, repulsive man. If it was me, I would write him a letter explaining that I never want to see him again, and telling him he's lucky not to be under investigation for historical abuse.

HazelBlazer · 28/10/2022 14:05

KettrickenSmiled

thank you. Your reply has made me cry. Such lovely support ♥️

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2022 14:07

Your vile brother is still abusing you. He knows exactly what he's doing and he enjoys it. You need to cut him out of your life.

AriettyHomily · 28/10/2022 14:07

You need to stop contact. He's not going to change and you don't owe him anything.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 14:08

It's a pleasure Hazel. There are too many of us about

Artygirlghost · 28/10/2022 14:16

You have to stop meeting up with him.

Because he is still the same person who assaulted you when you were 11 and you cannot ever have a normal, genuine family relationship with someone who abused you in this way.

He did not and is still not respecting your boundaries.

In fact it sounds like he is slowly grooming you again by steering the conversation towards sex.

He took the fact that you are willing to meet up for lunch again as a green light to try to manipulate you again.

If you can, continue to work with a therapist to help you deal with your feelings of guilt and help you detach once and for all from this man.

None of what happened to you was your fault so you have nothing to feel guilty about. The fact that your brother is older and has health issue does not mean that he is no longer a predator.

Does your brother has children or is he trying to date women with children? Is he in contact with children or teens through work? because I would worry as to whether he has been or might be repeating what he did to you to others.