Brother - inappropriate comments - how to deal?

[HazelBlazerBlue]

I’ve had a difficult relationship with my brother who is 3 years older than me. There was some inappropriate sexual activity when I was around 11 (not SI) which has messed up my head for a lot of my life. I distanced myself from him for many years. I was also victim of other SA as a child so sensitive to men/sexual attention even as an adult.

we are now in our 60s and I’ve recently got closer to him in that we meet for lunch every two months. My issue is that he often makes inappropriate comments about his sex life. I’ve said a few times that I don’t want him to talk about sex with me, I’m his sister and this crosses a boundary. But yet again just now he alikened something (innocuous) to the release he feels at orgasm. I don’t want to write him out of my life as the rest of our family has passed away and he’s all I have left. But his comments are triggering for me because of the shit of my childhood from men.

Any advice on this please? I feel really torn… what would you do?

You owe yourself more than this.

Cut him out.

Family doesn’t mean anything in these circumstances.

Thank you again for your replies. Sorry I don’t know how to reply to individual messages (full scale IT idiot here).

i am going to cut him out. He’s talking about going in hols together since the crappy message I mentioned in my post. So it’s underlined for me all the sound advice here. He ain’t gonna change, so I must act.

yes he has 5 children but they are all 30s and 40s.

interestingly he showed me a message from a woman he’d been dating and she was ending the relationship in the message - she called him a wolf in sheeps clothing and a monster. She is a relationship counsellor. Now, finally, I get it. I understand. I’ve read the links you all put above. I’ve been working up the courage to make this post for ages. Can’t talk to friends about it. I’m so glad I posted.

thanks again to each of you. ♥️

Sign up to your local council befriender scheme if you are lonely op. You really don't need or deserve such a man in your life.
If he is lonely the police might chat to him for a while.....

Hazel

Your brother remains very much a predator and a danger to women.

You may want to contact NAPAC if you have not already done so and I have put a link below for you

napac.org.uk/

No normal brother would do this. Cut him out of your life.

This. My brother and I are very close and will make generic sexual innuendoes around each other and have a giggle - so Im not a prude- but if he ever said anything as gross as what your brother said I would be seriously horrified.

well done OP. You couldn’t defend yourself when you were 11, but you can now xxx

Send him a letter to say WTE " I asked you to avoid sex talk, but you didn't listen. So now I've decided to stop contact.

If in the future you think you can control what you talk about, and are willing to meet my request, let me know and I may reconsider seeing you again. Write, don't phone. "

Nah I don't agree with this, what's the point. He knows exactly what he's doing, he'd say he'd stop but men like this don't.

Just cut contact, no warning, no explanation, just get rid

I would cut him off, as I have my own brother, and I would tell him why and suggest that he stops commenting about this kind of stuff immediately as he sounds like a dirty pervert to anyone listening. Be very clear and concise and then block him. I would tell him op because he needs to know this is entirely unacceptable, he may at least pause the next time he is in the company of women.

I truly dread to think what these men have done in their lives.
If you need company find someone that makes you feel cheerful and happy to be alive.
Nothing good can come from this relationship, no matter how much you might wish it was different.

Some men genuinely seem to think this is okay and banter. I have met others that were surprised to be pulled up on this. Op's brother could be a total deviant or he may just be the kind of man that thinks he can do and say whatever he likes.

OP my story is very similar to yours. I agree with pps you need to dump your abuser. I know it's scary but its much easier by letter rather than face to face.

I cut my abusive brother off over a decade ago and I havent felt guilt or shame for a long time and I haven't missed him for a second. I do however have PEACE.

Have plans in place in case he tries to push against the NC boundary.

You won't find peace while he's still in your life. Be brave and take control.

I’m sorry you’ve been through similar trauma. It’s encouraging that you’ve found peace. I have decided to end contact with my brother.

Why are you keen to be in contact with him? I would cut him off at the slightest hint of any inappropriate comments.

RTFT when it's about something so sensitive, it's unfair not to.

I second this OP. I am so sorry you have lost your other family members but this man is a sexual predator and deviant who abused you before and now he's trying to push the boundaries again. It's repulsive. Please get away from him and stay away from him. He's still an abuser. And those comments weren't innocuous, he knew exactly what he was doing.

I did, before responding. Why have you singled out my comment when multiple posters have said exactly the same?

Apologies @Brigante9 because you said 'I would cut him off' after OP already recently said a few times she's going to, I thought you hadn't read her updates. Must have misunderstood, my bad.