Getting ducks in a row ...

[allducksinarow]

What do I need to do?

Married and have mortgage. 3 children... what do I need to do?

So far

I have mine and children's birth certificates

Marriage certificate

Just digging out mortgage info

Build up a secret stash of cash. Not in a bank account.

@Lindengericht thank you, that's a good idea. I have it in a savings account but will withdraw it

Stick your savings in premium bonds online

Start buying amazon/tesco whatever gift cards on your weekly foodshop

Do you have reason that you think things will turn ugly quickly?

My best advice is to try to be cooperative, far better to achieve your goal without a fight even if that means compromising (you'll often end up with more because of the solicitors fees you saved!)

Cash is king but an account the other party has no knowledge of helps, do you have family who can be trusted? If your stbexh is not British (or where you live) consider getting passports for the children and hiding them - fleeing with children abroad is too common

We have been trying to reconcile for nearly 3 years and he is just some unemotionally there. It's been a painful 3 years of me trying to build upon repairing our marriage, absolutely no input from him. I have nearly had a breakdown this week, i spoke to him about it and his response was "i dont know what to say to you".

I just want to make sure I am prepared. We are both from the uk and no one has passports at the moment.

This is the message I received this morning "

I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to say. I know you want me to reassure you but I just don’t know how. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you . Sorry I know I’m useless and don’t deserve to have you in my life."

Get all his pension information, credit card statements, mortgage statements, loan statements, car registration and insurance details, on-going bills like water, insurance, car registration, mot, etc… repayments, electricity, heating, etc

Thank you, this is really useful information 🙂

Also, store hard copies of these at a friend’s place. All jewellery and valuables. Get some go bags packed for you and kids with toothbrushes, shampoo, conditioner, hairdryer, towels, etc… toiletries and clothes for a few weeks. Passports, birth certificates, drivers license, etc. Store them there too. Have a bag packed with toys, cuddlies, school gear, stationery, if you can, maybe prepare some new pillows, sheets, duvets, etc. also.

Oooh…medications.

Get a copy of his passport number

Not directly relevant to you butWomen's aid website has a list of things to ensure you take with you.

When are you thinking of leaving leavin? Can you start moving things he won't notice now, or will he be leaving?

He will be leaving. I'm not going to uproot the children at this stage. I'm trying to get bits and pieces together. It's civil between us. I just don't think things will change. I shouldn't have stayed 3 years ago

Work out what sort of financial position you will both be in, can you afford to buy him out of the house? How will you organise custody arrangements and patterns?

Have you try marriage counselling? His text shows that he loves you. ? Having an external person will allow you to reconnect and work on your issue or confirm if a break up is the way to go.

We did but I'm wondering if it was too soon. He also did individual counselling for quite a while after.

He came home quite upset tonight and gave me a cuddle, said he is really sorry and wants to try and put everything into our marriage. I have gone to have a bath.

He is wonderful with the children and a hands on dad.

I feel that Saying all these things is easy, it's actions that are difficult. He finds it difficult to express emotions (our son has just been diagnosed with autism, for a long time he has said he can see the same traits in himself and I agree)

This doesn’t sound like a relationship you need to escape from in secret.

Him using prostitutes is the main reason.

So sorry to hear about it. Very hard to go past it.

Why do you think he’ll just up and leave while you stay in the house with his children?

Oh god. You need a good solicitor who can tell you what you’re entitled to and how to separate. Have you got yourself checked out at the GUM clinic?

Be mindful this could turn on you in a flick of a switch, I speak from experience. Once he's aware your very much done and serious you'll see a different man in front of you. Hugs x