Getting ducks in a row ...

[allducksinarow]

What do I need to do?

Married and have mortgage. 3 children... what do I need to do?

I don't know that for sure but I'm the main carer for the children, one is disabled and wouldn't cope with a move. That is what's made me stay for so long. He has some where he could go. I don't.

Yes I have had Sti tests and all were clear. I found out 3 years ago. So not in that shock stage anymore. It was just the once not that it matters how many times. It happened during his mother dying with cancer, it's no excuse. I have seen bank statements and can see it's just the once. He never takes out cash.

If he gets hard copy pay slips take a copy of one, you'll need to know his current salary and his NI number might be helpful at some point.

If he has a pension, get copies of any paperwork with the policy number etc. if you can get a copy of the form for requesting a CETV that might also be helpful, you can put it in front of him to sign it at some point rather than him having to go and find it and print it out, they take forever to come so it's a priority. Apply for yours at the same time.

Any information on anything financial and don't be surprised if there are credit cards or even bank loans you don't know about, if you find any keep your powder dry, I found knowing my exH had financial secrets very helpful.

If you’re shopping at Tesco or Sainsburys, save up your points for when you’ve split.

My point is legally he does not have to leave and any solicitor would certainly advise him not to

if he does, can you afford mortgage and bills? Are you expecting him to pay those ongoing ( unlikely) or what’s your thoughts / plans on this

I'm not sure where I said I was expecting him to leave? If I need to move I will

In a post yesterday you stated that he’ll be leaving you won’t as you won’t be uprooting the children

@millymollymoomoo you assumed before I added that comment. Initially yes I will stay in the house (if I can) and yes I can afford the mortgage and bills if needed. If we need to move and sell the house, we will.

@millymollymoomoo

"He will be leaving. I'm not going to uproot the children at this stage. I'm trying to get bits and pieces together. It's civil between us. I just don't think things will change. I shouldn't have stayed 3 years ago"

And yes I did say he will be leaving as im not going to uproot them at this stage (on planning for divorce).

We have been together for 15 years. I know he would stay with his dad until we are able to sort things out

Most men will leave so their dc don't have to, if they don't you're stuck in the house with them while ever it's safe for you and the dc, moving out with the dc should be the last resort if you're able to manage the household costs yourself.

I don't think it's necessarily always the best thing for women who won't be able to manage the house on their own (with CMS) but it's a personal choice.

OP, I just wanted to say that my reaction to his text about loving you was that love is not enough. And what is love, if the person who’s loving you sleeps with prostitutes OR (not even and…) doesn’t try, doesn’t make things better, tells you he’s useless (here he’s very much giving you a warning sign ie “I’m going to be lazy and not do anything” — to his mind, if you stay, it’s your fault so you deserve the laziness, as he told you what he was about and you’ve acquiesced to it). Love from that person isn’t worth as much as love from a person who sees love as something that would prevent you from hurting your partner. Do not do marriage counselling. Three years of your life? Get away so the kids know who you really are, rather than seeing you pouring all your talents and energy into propping up a lazy man!