My failed career, my choices, DH's lifestyle choices?

[Chocolatefreak]

Background - met my husband-to-be while working overseas. I had been there six years, loved the country, job, friends. Had split up with long-term bf a year previously. With new bf for a year before we decided we wanted to be together long term. He got job in new, dangerous place. Won't name as too outing but one of most dangerous places in the world for women. Asked me to come with - I realised at 35 I might not have many more chances, also was in love, wanted to have kids with him. Also not risk averse - so followed him. I found an exciting, high profile job. Got married, got pregnant. DH left for new job in less dangerous, (but still, unstable developing country) while I finished contract in dangerous place, then went back to UK to have baby. DH made it over for three weeks while I had the baby then back to new country, baby and I joined him couple of months later. Settled in, made friends etc. Never made it back career-wise in that country during five years - short term consultancies etc, nothing substantial. Then, DH offered job in Europe so we moved again - during that time his career has taken off, I never really got a good job. Struggled with new language, only got short term contracts, spent lots of time unemployed. He is angry because I never reached the earning capacity he wanted. We have accumulated loads of debt because of his spending on status symbols - three new cars in nine years. Now getting divorced. He has been a good dad when there - at least since DS reached age 5/6 but long working hours, travels 1/3 of the year etc. He blames me for my choices, but his career trajectory has been uninterrupted, I had to adapt every time. He will not economise on cars etc - but will not spend anything on retraining for me.

I'm a mess, 50+, still struggling with language and finding work. Son is 14 so 4 more years of school, so for his sake I need to stay here. It is my fault that I followed DH in the first place? In my heart I know it is, but I want him to take some responsibility for the difficulties I'm in now.

op ultimately you’re responsible for you. You’re getting divorced, it’s time to focus on the future, sort the divorce and finances and not focus on blame.

That's so shit of him, but I don't think he'll ever take responsibility I'm afraid. All you can do now is focus on yourself and your son. From what you've written you are not wrong at all, either in the facts (your career stalling because of life) or you feelings about it. Try to build strong and happy future, despite not being the future you'd planned or wished for.

When you got married you became a family unit - where there are always adaptations and compromise. It sounds like you were extremely accommodating to support him achieving his career goals- including placing yourself in real danger.

Unfortunately, instead of your contribution being appreciated your husband is using it to project his own insecurities and missteps regarding financial planning and disappointments.

Your life and the time you invested in your family is precious and not to be dismissed in your mind, just because he has reneged on his responsibilities.

I dont think you had a failed career. You had your son to bring up. You cant do it all.

Dont look back just look forward you can now build your future your way and leave the exh behind!

He’s a jerk for not recognising the support you gave. He won’t though.

However……

YOU’RE FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Hooray!!!!!

Your time hasn’t been wasted. You’ve had adventures and your children. Time to focus on your career now. And remember…. Free!!!

You're looking in the wrong place for resolve. Wanting him to take responsibility for the situation you are now in isn't going to happen so take responsibility yourself and get a good lawyer, at least that way with his earnings you won't need to worry about your career again. I doubt he'll be able to afford the status symbols when he has to pay divorce settlement and look after his child anyway.

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

I strongly believe that many women do realise at the outset, the sacrifices that are associated with choosing to have children. We start from the position of being women, which is already a disadvantage. Pregnancy and maternity leave adversely affect our careers and as our husbands advance their careers, we are left further and further behind, bearing an unequal share of parenting and household responsibilities making it ever more difficult for us to rebuild careers and workplaces are even less likely to employ us despite our years of relevant experience, due to this career gap.

Men and women both decide to have children, but the impact of that decision is far from equal.

Layering on the fact that with each move, you had to give up your job and start again... which is a totally different proposition to being the one driving the move to further your own career.

I see many people in your situation and I am sorry.

He’s a cunt. Fuck him. His selfishness and your desire to create a solid family unit has led to you taking the hit. His anger at you is appalling.

Good riddance to him. Now it’s time to focus on what you want, where you want to be, and to use your clear intelligence to make it happen.

OP, I'm 51 and I've seen so many situations where couples start as equals professionally or even with the woman ahead - and then come the children...

To avoid this outcome, the man in the couple has to be really committed to keeping things equitable. And you don't really find out if they are until the situation arises, advance declarations mean little.

Your stbxh is being an arse. Don't blame yourself, don't think of yourself as failed. And regarding financial settlements, yes it's fair for you to ask for compensation for you having compromised your career - though how far you get with this will depend on local laws. All the best.

You could move back to the U.K. if you needed to.

He's a selfish, materialistic cunt of a man but you knew that. Get what £ you can, move 'home' and focus on your career entirely for the next 20 years is my recommendation. He's fucked you over, yes, but neither he nor any future employer will ever see what you see. Move on.

Its not your fault OP. You made a choice. You are bringing up your son. Hopefully youll have some assets that you can claim? You can start a new life, you are young, it never too late OP. Now you can live the life you want.

I only came here to post that your ex dh is a selfish nob with no concept of family.

when he flitted off to other countries where there any conversations about your career opportunities? Does he think children are self raising by any chance? It doesn’t sound like he was planning on pulling his weight with child raising.

I don’t think you’ve failed at all. I think you have done your best despite having every obstacle thrown at you. I’m sure you’ll pick yourself up when you’re free of him. Maybe it is time for a career rethink though? You sound very adaptable.

Op what does taking responsibility mean to you, if you’re both in lots of debt, it’s doubtful there is much money, is it looking for spousal support?

Thank you, I feel validated now by your support! I have felt powerless to intervene in his financial decisions over the last nine years because he has told me only when I contribute the same as him, then I can have more decision-making power. He also points out that before we moved to Europe we didn't have these difficulties. This is true - but overseas we also had the major things covered by the organisation - rent, car, medical insurance. He considers a new car every three years to be completely normal. He thinks nothing of numerous expensive presents - there's a blizzard of Amazon parcels through the door, he buys any new sports equipment he wants. But he can also be generous - we have had nice trips abroad where he has paid for a meal out for my family, for example. But actually this is dwarfed by the amount we have spent visiting his family - renting a huge house to accommodate everyone, for example. I'm also increasingly trapped by Brexit here, jobs-wise.

FWIW, OP, I think you sound like a very capable, driven, adaptable individual who has shown determination and grit in situations that many people would not even have attempted.

I live outside of the UK and while I have not faced any of the security issues that you have, I understand some of the frsutrations and constraints that are placed on you career-wise. To change roles in my environment, one either has to have an armful of certificates from all the right schools to get a foot in the door, or one has to marry the boss.

As PP have said, I doubt your husband is going to take any responsibility and searching for this is only going to set you back.

Is counselling an option where you are? Maybe it would help to have someone listen then say "what can you do?" to get you back on track. You need to get things out, but you also need to come back to what you can actually do, what is in your power. And believe me, a 51 YO professional woman with experience of consulting, living in dangerous environments and adapting to different countries, missions and corporate needs is someone that is capable, and will be perceived as such.

Your STBXH sounds like a prick, but you sound like the type of woman who will seek good advice, get good representation and do what she needs to do to get security for herself and her son, before piling herself back into her own self-development and evolution. And to top it off, your son will get to see what an excellent role model you are too.

You've not said where you are, but please be very careful. I got shafted in a French divorce but, even after over 10 years out of the UK, due to domicile of origin, would have had the right to a UK divorce. There was no pension sharing and I lost out a lot. Please consult a UK firm specialising in overseas divorce.

@newtb he has agreed to 50/50 custody, sale of house and pension. I'm just about to finish a small consultancy contract but am scared about no income for the next however long. I need spousal maintenance until if/when I have a regular source of income but this he is not agreeing to. I understand he wants to sever as many financial ties as possible but in a difficult situation as he is literally maxed out on debt. He has also agreed that the debt he has is his own - it's all in his name - he hid the amount from me up until we started divorce proceedings.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/

This site is very useful for information on money/property/custody for UK divorces, as @newtb said, if you were married in the UK or if you are a UK citizen with a marriage that is recognised in the UK, you can get divorced there.

Quick Google search also threw up Woolley & Co solicitors who have a whole section dedicated to UK Expats who need to divorce abroad. At least you are now in Europe; most states have a far more equitable division of assets, assuming that in the country that was dangerous for women, you might have been lucky to leave with the clothes on your back and limited access to your son.

@holrosea thank you for this. I'm actually fortunate that his pension comes from a third country where division of assets includes pensions and it is absolutely down the middle - and my lawyer knows this. She is practised in family law including European couples whose situation is similar. So although I am desperate, I have to wait another year before things are finalised. And in the meantime I am being as polite as possible, in order to get this done.

Hi my husband was in the military most of our married life, which pretty much meant moving to a completely different part of the country or another country entirely every 2/years. He would also be away regularly for 6 weeks or so, so it was obvious that I needed to be a STAHM.

Many years ago I voiced about being unable to work and my husband said in all sincerity that I was doing a much more important job than him, our child was the most important thing to us both etc etc.

That made me feel good about my contribution to the marriage. EXCEPT, now we are divorcing and I am entitled to a 50% share of assets, it’s now HIS money that HE earned!

So I guess this is just how it goes when you are the STAHM. When it suits them you are an equal partner, until it no longer suits them.

But the law sees you as an equal, and at the end of the day that’s what matters.

You can’t make him change his mind. I guess this is why so many men say they’ve been fleeced by ex wives. It’s only Our money until he decides it’s not.

I could have written your post but without the abroad aspect. My exH pursued his career to the nth degree at the expense of mine and as soon as we had children it was completely taken for granted that I would cover all childcare. I tried to retrain to accommodate this but was expected to just get on with no support, like a single parent. I got burnt out and gave up, then gave up on the marriage. He was also in charge of finances, a big spender, new car every three years, expensive hobbies. I was basically given pocket money and he lied about his income.

When we divorced he was outraged that he would need to financially support me as I couldn't just magic up an equivalent career. That's probably where your stbexh is coming from. You are a burden to him.

I totally get how you feel. However, as other PPs have said, it's a waste of energy trying to get validation from him. He's never going to see it from your point of view or appreciate your sacrifices. He sounds lacking in empathy and you are taking blame unnecessarily.

What you can do is make sure you get a good a deal as possible on your divorce. Don't let him guilt you. Set yourself up for the future, your children too. I started over in my late forties but couldn't be happier. I control my own finances, do or don't do what I want, free of a totally selfish man. I still feel resentment at times but I don't allow it to dominate me.

ExH is now going through his second divorce. I'm with a lovely, lovely man. I win!

@Toomanysleepycats sorry to hear this. Yes, mine is also ex military, so probably similarly chauvinist! I should also say he has been great at times - he's a great cook, from doing all the cooking in the past I barely do any now, he's now better than me. In terms of input - in desperation I went to work back in the UK for 18 months as I wasn't getting any work here. He stepped up and looked after our son. Well, he cooked, we had a cleaner and the school has a free bus. I continued to do all the school admin remotely and came home every two weeks for a long weekend. I don't want to sound ungrateful - but now I've written it down it sounds like that was fairly minimal! He's not lazy - has always worked hard and so I think deserves more - but he's made me feel like I've held him back. He always told me to get a good job somewhere and he'd follow me - but after having my son those 'great jobs' were no longer forthcoming.

@Dacquoise good for you! Glad you're in a much better place now. I know I need to let go of the resentment - it goes in waves and sometimes I feel overwhelmed by it, and the anxiety, really trying to see past it. But I need to hang on and give the semblance of reason and dignity until this divorce is over, especially in front of our son, who has a lot of respect for DH's job. He's also a capable man - good at DIY etc, so impressive to many looking on from the outside.

4 years of school left? No, you don’t need to stay there. Not at all. Why do you think that?