My failed career, my choices, DH's lifestyle choices?

[Chocolatefreak]

Background - met my husband-to-be while working overseas. I had been there six years, loved the country, job, friends. Had split up with long-term bf a year previously. With new bf for a year before we decided we wanted to be together long term. He got job in new, dangerous place. Won't name as too outing but one of most dangerous places in the world for women. Asked me to come with - I realised at 35 I might not have many more chances, also was in love, wanted to have kids with him. Also not risk averse - so followed him. I found an exciting, high profile job. Got married, got pregnant. DH left for new job in less dangerous, (but still, unstable developing country) while I finished contract in dangerous place, then went back to UK to have baby. DH made it over for three weeks while I had the baby then back to new country, baby and I joined him couple of months later. Settled in, made friends etc. Never made it back career-wise in that country during five years - short term consultancies etc, nothing substantial. Then, DH offered job in Europe so we moved again - during that time his career has taken off, I never really got a good job. Struggled with new language, only got short term contracts, spent lots of time unemployed. He is angry because I never reached the earning capacity he wanted. We have accumulated loads of debt because of his spending on status symbols - three new cars in nine years. Now getting divorced. He has been a good dad when there - at least since DS reached age 5/6 but long working hours, travels 1/3 of the year etc. He blames me for my choices, but his career trajectory has been uninterrupted, I had to adapt every time. He will not economise on cars etc - but will not spend anything on retraining for me.

I'm a mess, 50+, still struggling with language and finding work. Son is 14 so 4 more years of school, so for his sake I need to stay here. It is my fault that I followed DH in the first place? In my heart I know it is, but I want him to take some responsibility for the difficulties I'm in now.

It's a process you have to go through. It won't disappear until you have fully processed it. I developed severe anxiety when I got divorced, literally couldn't function for weeks. I suspect it was a bit of a breakdown but through therapy I realised it was my thinking causing it. Overthinking, blaming myself, analysing what I had done, not done. My advice to you is to find someone to talk to, perhaps a therapist?, find distractions. I went to work in a supermarket which kept me occupied. Hobbies, crafts, friends. Make sure you take really good care of yourself because no one else will!

My exH was seen as a nice guy. I got loads of grief about leaving him which really didn't help but street angel, house devil would be appropriate. You will get through this. It will just take a while. 💐

I think you do have to accept responsibility for the decisions you made in the past. But at the same time, you can be kind to yourself and accept is was the best decision that you could have made at the time, with the information you had.

I think there is little point in going over past decisions and all you can do is look to the future now. Based on what you have said, I would rethink staying where you are for another four years, sounds like you would have more opportunity back here (assuming you are from UK like me).

So you worked abroad for 6 plus years, came back the uk to have your baby than returned to overseas, and people wonder why the NHS is overstretched!

@Lemonlady22 I worked for the UK govt overseas at that time, plus paid NI contributions, so I was entitled to have my baby in the UK.

Op have you accepted mentally the marriage is overt? There is something in the way you write which reads like this is still an active marriage, not a divorce case.

ok so what you mean is you want spousal support by him accepting some responsibility for your job prospects; honestly if he’s saying no then it’s a matter for the courts to decide. It doesn’t matter what we think. It won’t influence or change it.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor yes the marriage is definitely over from my perspective, no going back. He is upset about it but this tends to manifest in anger against me. As well as the negative impact on my career he has shown me no emotional support during difficult times - I can't face another 30 years (or however long I have left) of his lack of empathy. Obviously, I am trying my hardest to find a decent job in order not to need spousal maintenance.

These guys who want to go off here there and everywhere with jobs already sorted and expect their partners will find jobs equivalent to their level whilst moving from pillar to post and with a child to consider really pee me off. It simply isn't like that- Having just done 20 months in Copenhagen , there were an awful lot of very intelligent women partners who simply couldn't find suitable work- partly because a great many roles also wanted Danish and partly because Brexit has made it that it's an awful lot easier for them to recruit an EU National unless it's hugely specialist and a shortage occupation - you have done nothing wrong OP- he should be greatful you were able to find decent work at all at various points.

Would he agree to you moving back to the UK with your ds? Could you find work over here?

It seems to me you are unfairly taking all the responsibility your STBXH doesn’t want to take. It’s very clear that the high wages of overseas postings are often high because it is hard for your partner to maintain a career, and you need to think about saving in case you want to move in future. That’s how he should have thought. Instead, he’s been strutting around like some kind of wannabe millionaire. All the time other people in his position made do with their second hand car and paid off debts, he acted big. He obviously finds it easier to blame you than look in the mirror and accept that his position is his own fault!.

On the other hand, I find it harder to associate ‚fault‘ with you making a decision to be with someone you loved, and therefore moving overseas. We all take a risk to be with anyone, but it’s just in retrospect you, like many others, backed the wrong horse. What I suspect is the guts that got you into this, daring to move as you did, will also get you out of it. When you are through the legal divorce stuff, you‘ll have some control back and I think you should trust yourself to do what is needed to survive, and then thrive. Yeah it‘ll be hard but this powerless stage won’t last

Please don't say you're a mess.
From what you write, you sound like an eminently strong, capable and intelligent woman.
Forward motion. Onwards and upwards. Fingers crossed for you.

So you worked abroad for 6 plus years, came back the uk to have your baby than returned to overseas, and people wonder why the NHS is overstretched!

Indeed.

He should recognize that you sacrificed your career in favor of his success. It doesn’t sound like he is the kind of man to recognize this very simple concept.

all you can really do is make sure you take every single financial asset that the law allows. It would sting a lot last if he just admitted reality, but that would hurt his ego. He has to believe his success and family is entirely independent and didn’t require taking advantage of a trailing spouse. It’s not much different than men who work demanding jobs that basically necessitate either a SAH spouse or they would have to hire multiple nannies. They want to think they did it all, the job and the family all on their own.

OP you've done nothing wrong.

I am in a similar - not same (not military, so different countries) - situation and truly believe that couples marrying in expat (true expat, moving every few years) situations should have a form of pre-marriage counselling that explains the vulnerability of the spouse who reduces/stops work to look after children. Even if that partner works, they usually have massive breaks in order to move countries for their OH's job and when kids gone they then have all the business if finding schools, settling kids in, helping kids socialise in a new country with play dates, getting them involved in sports teams etc. They can't start work for the first few months (at least - often staying in hotels/temporary accommodation until shipment arrives etc). The working partner in particular needs this spelling out. Especially as it's usually the man who has the "big" job. They need it spelling out that he should expect from now on that only his salary will be coming in and it's joint income. How big does that salary now seem? Both parties need all this being clear because the "rules" for protecting yourself financially all come from living in your home country (or even home town near supportive family!!). The minute you are outside the U.K./your home country or culture, the rules of the game change dramatically because the "trailing" spouse is almost always massively more vulnerable than a SAHM at home - who is vulnerable. Even if the "trailing spouse" manages to find work abroad.

So I don't agree that "you made decisions". Of course you did - everybody makes them all the time. But just like most (or all) the posters here, you didn't realise that your marriage, work and financial situation is so fundamentally different because of being abroad. Had you fully understood this, maybe your decisions would have been better informed, because you would have been better informed. The thing is that nobody seems very informed about the problems of overseas jobs and marriage and kids until it starts to go wrong. And then it's like fuuuuuuuuck! Because suddenly the ground you assumed you were standing on drops because you're stuck in a foreign country, not able to do the same level of work as you're trained for because you'll never be fluent. Your ability to support yourself - SURVIVE - is severely degraded.

After all that. Fight for everything you can get financially. Then to a certain extent you just have to suck it up and make the most of the situation. If your child still has 4 years, is there a chance you can get citizenship where you are so you can at least have an EU passport and more work opportunities in the future? I think the Netherlands requires you to renounce British nationality but most other EU countries don't?

This could have been me if I hadn’t have split with my ex over 10yrs ago. In that time he’s been to 3 countries for postings with his job. Before we split up the plan was that we would all go. I’m in a similar job to him, but it wouldn’t have been easy to get a transfer so I’d have probably had to take a career break. He still asked me if I’d go with him and the kids after we split as he was that desperate for his kids to experience the life they could have led there. Obviously I said no. For a start (ignoring fact I didn’t want to get back together) he’s so tight with money that there’s no way I could have been financially dependant on him.

But he’s built up a nice little nest egg for himself (he is paying for kids Uni education at least) whilst paying me zero financially as he’s got double his salary for the last 3yrs. My career has been restricted in needing to be the one to take sick days, collect kids from after school clubs etc but now they are growing up I’m back in the game and recently had a promotion so doing well. But he will have a nice big fat pension and yes it annoys me as I am the one who had to make a lot of sacrifices for him to work overseas. I’m grateful I didn’t go with him

You have to move on. However, you were meant to be a team. His idea of a team seems to be skewed somewhat. He's also living beyond his means.
Divorce tends to highlight these issues.

Would your son be willing to return to the UK?
He is old enough to have a say re. which parent he wants to live with.

The NHS is a residency based healthcare system

Otherwise you could have expats voluntarily paying the £3/week NI rates and saying that it entitles them to come back to the U.K. for healthcare.

Rather than spousal maintenance, I would go for a clean break divorce. Perhaps you can ask for more of the assets & child maintenance

If you are 50, you potentially have nearly 20 more working years before state pension

Agree about ongoing care for your child as part of the divorce

If you plan to return to UK, I would suggest checking via www.gov.uk

National insurance contributions per year - these go towards benefits, NHS & state pension. You need 35 years contributions to claim a full state pension.

Your state pension forecast

Goodluck