so apparently I am a terrible mother and my mum is seriously worried about ds because...

[ArmadilloDaMan]

He still wears nappies and also has a bottle at bedtime (ok the last one isn't great I know). He's 3.3 and has had a lot of problems with terrible constipation (we haven't been able to toilet train him up till now cos he was on laxatives for 6 months that we are still trying to wean him off).

THis has hit me hard. Not having a good time at the moment. My mum, although rubs me up the wrong way sometimes and nags etc, she always helps me out and is very supportive and worries about me etc. I really can't do without her help especially at the mo.

SO why did she have to tell me this? That I am storing up grave problems for the future, that he will be bullied forever as a result yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.

DOn't get me wrong, we don't always agree on parenting, but I don't consider these things to be a problem (Well not the toilet training anyway) and she thinks they are so terrible.

This is really too much atm. I know I'm not a great parent, but it hurts to think that I am being this awful to ds without realising and makes me wonder what other stuff I am doing to damage him.

I have no experience as my DS is only 9 mo but they sound so minor to me, even the bottle thing - so what?? (Apart from the dental issues, and I assume he cleans his teeth)
If those two things are the only things making you a terrible mother then I hope I'm as terrible in 2.5 years time!
Depending on how your mum will be I think you need to explain that she has hurt you and undermined you.

Gosh neither of my boys were toilet trained at 3.3 mths - sort of happended that 3-4 yr age group. Can't remember when.

Can Ds have a beaker instead of a bottle. Lots of boyish designs in shops, he can choose and its his special thing. Cuts down on the dental issues.

But really - chill mum is what I would say.

my ds is the same age as yours and wears nappies.

i have tried training him but he has had threadworms so im waiting until they deffo clear up.

my ds1 never really got the whole pant wearing thing, he wasnt properly dry until well over age 4.

i wastalking to a mum at schol last week and her ds is nearly 6 and stil has accidents. ignore her.

Your mum is talking complete rubbish. Did she actually say that she thought you are a 'terrible mother'? If so, she's not only talking rubbish, she also owes you a big apology.

'She is very supportive' - not based on what you say in the OP, she isn't.

You say you can't do without her help - really, really, truly? There's no way you could do without it? Cos it sounds to me as though she has you over a barrel - she thinks/knows that you need her help, so she can afford to behave nastily towards you.

My DS1 is 3 in March and has only just become dry during the day. I am not even thinking about nights yet. Most people I know do this sometime between 3 and 4.

OK the bottle is not great, but you can move to a beaker or cup with a straw at some stage soon, this does not make you a bad parent.

DS1 also still has a dummy and blanket for sleep - so shoot me

Can fully sympathise with you on the constipation and tolilet training issue, as my ds1 was ready to train but couldn't because of bowel problems. When they were resolved - or at least improved a lot - he trained quickly and easily.

Dd didn't train until she was nearly 3.5y, she was the only child in nappies at her pre-school, but there were no problems whatsoever.

Both my ds1 (now 7) and my dd (now 5) have their bedtime milk from a beaker with a spout while sitting in bed. And they're both in night nappies. They are just starting to have the occasional dry night or half-night.

They are happy, healthy, sociable children, doing very well at school, with lots of friends and no bullying - neither as perpetrator nor victim.

So, my situation is not that different to yours, and we're turning out OK.

You are not being awful to your ds. You are being the best parent you can.

I think - and I have had some hurtful comments from my mum, too - that perhaps sometimes our mums are jealous of our babies, wish that they had their time over again, and speak more aobut their own insecurities and anxieties than about our situations. Still hurts us, though.

Ta for these. Other people telling em I'm wrong and I ignore them, but when it's my mum it's difficult.

HE won't do beakers (not sure whether he can;t or he's just too lazy) but I'm not sure he needs to drink all night anyway. It's just the lack of sleep we get till he gets used to it.

The nappies thing is a big contention atm between us. Ds gets really upset/hysterical if you make him go even 5 mins without nappy. So I don't want to push it. I don't want to make his anxiety worse. He's not usually an anxious child.

Mum wants to have him for a few days so she can train him as she thinks it is causing big probs.

I don't know.

It hurts more that she said it, rather than what she was criticising. BUt I can't really tell her as she was only saying it cos she was concerned - not making me do it, she wasn't doing it to hurt me. She would be really upset if she knew she had hurt me this much.

I would ignore it sounds like you have a lot to cope with at the moment so. I sympathise with you my son almost 5 and has always suffered with constipation, he was only laxatives also and we thought we'd mastered it but he seems to be having problems again and have had to start putting training pants on again, very stressful and i imagine that you are pretty stressed without any more pressure from others. Do what you think is neccessary, ignore anyone else. And it is normal for children to have accidents up to age 8 so don't panic get there in the end!!!

My niece had similar issues. In fact, she was toilet trained at an average age, but had always had terrible constipation. She wasn't used to that feeling meaning a poo was imminent (more that it would appear after a fight in a few days ). When the doctor finally addressed the problem, with stool softener and laxatives, she had to be practically trained again, as she'd just go and surprise herself.

She also had a bottle every night until her 4th birthday (when she was persuaded that she was a big girl). She liked it, it was her night time thing.

DN does not seem to have been adversely affected by these things, she's now a rather trendy 8 year old.

ignore ignore ignore.....

you are the best mummy for your DS or he would not be yours!!

so what if he isn't yet trained....many kiddies without bowel issues still aren't yet at 3, and I am assuming he does in fact 'know' what he is doing and it is more the constipation issue which is the hold-back??

DS2 has bowel issues, and had to go into hospital last summer for 2wks for constipation meds again to 'clear him out', and he landed back in nappies for it, he was just 5 at the time and gutted, but he soon got sorted and back into pant again, and only has been dry at night for the last month!

also, as he is milk intolerant, he was on special formula until his 5th birthday, and for reasons easy for me, and also his comfort, he had it in a bottle until he transferred over to normal soya milk, with no adverse effects either. I felt his happiness and comfort FAR more important than what he should and shouldn't be doing at the right ages.....but then he is DC5 so I am rather more knowledgeable and calmer within myself as to what suits MY children and lifestyle.

and just because she has bought up children, it doesn't make her the expert....especially with your son......it does however make her an expert on how to wind you up, so your job now is to become the expert on magical words to shut her up without being able to retort back at you!!!

SHe is supportive and I really can't do without her - and I wouldn't want to. SHe adores me and ds and would never deny us anything.

We jsut disagree on certain issues, but usually come to a compromise. It's the way she said it - but she is worried, justifiably or not. And she told me these worries for the best, not to hurt, but to highlight them.

It hurts, because I am very sensitive to this at mo. NOrmally I'd argue back.

I just wanted to rant on here to get it out my system.

Thanks - I will get his cups/straws etc out and start again.

Don't think I'm gonna tackle the potty training though.

So understand where you're coming from on the constipation issue. My dd was constipated for nearly 3 years and it really set her back on the potty training front. With this in mind, or even if he didn't have this problem, it's not a big deal him still being in nappies. If you're anything like me, you've only been able to deal with the constipation issue and not much else, hence the bottle at bed time. It is not the end of the world and you are NOT a bad parent - you sound very caring to me. The constipation thing saps all your strength and confidence and you don't need your mum making things worse for you.

It sounds to me as though you are completely taking on board what she is staying to you. She has made you believe you are a bad parent when you clearly are not. She is partly responsible for your total lack of confidence in your abilities as a mother and she has made you believe that you cannot do without her. YOU CAN manage on your own but only if you want to. She has encouraged your dependency on her and this is about her needing you, not the other way around.

Think long and hard about alternatives to you mum being there most of the time. Do you have close friends you can spend time with and chat to? Have you got support from your HV? You'll be surprised at your own strengths when you start believing in yourself. My heart goes out to you as the constipation thing really devastated our family.

I'm so sorry this has upset you. Totally empathise in that my Mum drives me nuts but I would be lost without her.

On the whole her opinion on most stuff is so different to mine that I just ignore it. However, her opinion of me and how I do things is ingrained in me as being important.

I am lucky in that she rarely has a different opinion to me wrt to dd and if she does she is wise enough to say nothing if i react badly to what she has said!

when dd was 4m she all but accused me of neglect because i delayed taking dd to the dr for a cold in favour of spending a family day with h. GOB SMACKED! made me really question myself tho - realised that it was actually borne of a different concern - in that h was being a tosser and she was worried about me (whoooole very long other story!).

anyways, the point of my ramble is:

a) there may be some other reason for having said this - no idea what!

b) DO NOT LET HER TRAIN YOUR DS! If he has anxiety issues over his nappy etc then this would be a really bad idea.

OTOH, if you think she might have some success getting him to take a beaker at night that might be a good compromise where you all get a good outcome.

if necessary tell her the Dr has said you're not to train ds until the constipation is sorted etc!

HTH and clearly you are a great mum and a lovely daughter as you don't even want to upset your mum by telling her how upset you are and her comments haven't made you defensive but just more worried for your ds!

Glad other posters have helped. I'd be wary of your Mum saying she wants to have your DS for a while to train him, or to undertake any other key bit of parenting by herself with him. She might be supportive to you as you say, but you are still your DS's mum, and you are the ultimate authority on what happens with him.

I don't think either thing is an issue TBH.

But to an older generation of parents maybe it would have been. My mother swears she potty trained us by sitting us on the potty and leaving us there until we did something. Sometimes it took hours apparently . Maybe she is just worried that you aren't doing it 'right', according to the 'rules' that pertained when she was a mother. And she feels at ease enough around you to tell you what she thinks and concerned enough about your DS to want to do something about she sees as a problem. My mum is very supportive usually but she isn't afraid to tell me when my DCs are doing something she doesn't like. Actually it hurts but it's because she loves them, and me. I have had to bite back a few comments in the past. Especially when, after 8 years of working, she tells me that 'of course children do much better with a mother at home'. Yeah...thanks mum!

Don't take it as a critisism but let her know that this is the way you are doing it, and these are your reasons, and ask her very politely not to undermine you. Because you are unlikely to change the way you are doing things to please her, and any more of this will lead to a rift which will help no-one at all.

I really dont see the problem, I think its great that you have listened to your toddlers needs and not been forced into a battle. Even the bottle at night its not like he has a bottle hanging out of his mouth all day. My only thing would be to make sure I brushed his teeth after it and not before.

My oldest daughter came out of nappies just before she was 4, in the summer holidays (4 at the end of Aug). My youngest daughter is out of nappies, she will be 4 in August but still has a night time bottle which we will stop when she is 4. Ignore your mum and do whats best for you and your family.

I agree with the other posters.

Don't forget that when we were children it was a race to get the children out of nappies.

There has been a huge shift in thinking in the past 30 years, as medical science discovered that most children are just not able to toilet train before 3yo.

Added to the fact that most children today are in disposables, so they are not in discomfort. And the mums are not desperate to get them off nappies to save them loads of work.

Let him be, he will toilet train eventually. You are a great mum and you know best what is right for your son.

ORmIrian - you have put it into words. I know she said it because she loves me and ds, not because she wants to hurt me.

We are looking at maybe moving away (not far, same town) in a couple of years and my reliance on her is partly the reason.

But atm I am completely reliant on her, and also I do not want to hurt her.

She is fab 99% of the time, adn I think I just have to practice standing my ground on the potty trainig thing.

DD1 wet herself regularly (mostly on purpose) until she was 4 so we made a conscious decision not to train the 3 boys. DS3 was still in nappies day and night at 3 1/2. So much less hassle.

Easy to say ignore her but my mum is the same and it is hard when they criticise (our faux pas is co-sleeping )

Hi Armadillo, our mothers do manage to undermine us - even with the best intentions - we stress about whether we are doing things right, and sometimes they really don't help! Even though she adores you and ds, she really is worrying you unnecessarily. You may have to cultivate a bit of a thick skin, just try the broken record technique of saying to her, 'he'll be fine - he'll get out of nappies and drop his night bottle when he's ready.'

After all, has anyone met a grown man in nappies, sucking a bottle of milk at bedtime ? Try asking her that.

You're being a great mum - you love him and you're attentive and sensitive to his needs. Personally I would resist your mother's invitation to look after him for a few days to 'train' him. Different children gain bladder and bowel control at different ages. My mother used to comment on how my younger sister was dry at 18 months - but I took much longer and so did my dd. She used to make this comment as my dd was still wearing training pants when she started school. She wasn't totally dry until she was over 5. She was also having a last thing at night breast feed at 5. You can call me weird if you like, but it didn't bother me, it calmed her before bedtime, and she's now a perfectly adjusted, happy, healthy, bright, popular 15 year old.

So take a deep breath, and tell your mother in as blithe a fashion as you can, that ds will be FINE!

DS was about 3.3 when he went without nappies. He still won't have a poo on the loo though and asks for a poo nappy which I am totallty fine about.

Maybe he could do this? Does he tend to have poo's at the same time during the day so you can sort of predict and help him?

Your mum sounds like my DP. He was worried that DS wasn;t out of nappies by 3, worried about development, blah blah, but I said I was treating DS as the individual he was not making a rod for my own back trying to get him to do things before he was ready.

Thanks for the votes of confidence

I wills tick ot my guns on the potty training.

The bottles I'm divided on.

Tell your mum to butt out what's it got to do with her?

monkeytrousers - I agree totally. Your DH sounds like mine btw.