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Original poster

Nearly 40 - where are all my friends?

32 replies

bootswiththefur · 26/10/2022 19:07

Is anyone else like me? I turn 40 in a few month's time and I genuinely feel like I've got no real friends anymore. Two of my closest friends moved to a different country with their families (don't blame them!) and others have just drifted away or lost contact. I feel like if I was to have a party (which I won't), I genuinely don't know who would come.

I have two daughters (6 and 9) and put my whole heart into raising a family, but feel I've sacrificed myself as a result. I work two jobs and other than trips to pumpkin patches and parks, I rarely go out unless it's with the kids. Since covid I feel like I'm now completely socially awkward. Having few friends means when I do go out I feel really self conscious and worry that people don't even want me there.

I just don't know how to fix it? How do you make new friends at 40? Is it normal to have hardly any close friends? I feel like im a nice person- I have a good sense of humour and am caring and supportive of others. What am I doing wrong? :(

OP posts:
Tabbouleh · 26/10/2022 19:12

Am making new friends at 51 by attending meetups, book clubs, volunteering and a professional organisation. I think it is easier if it is built around an activity.

rainydogday · 26/10/2022 19:16

What about joining some group classes? Gym or exercise? Or book club or
Evening class? I found making friends when the kids were young was helpful. Join school pta type groups? Offer to read at school with small kids, or invite mums and kids to coffee if they have a party or get together? I found when they get to teens this obviously isn't as good! Is there anyone you get on well with at work? Christmas and the holiday season is good for going out on work 'do's'.

Original poster
bootswiththefur · 26/10/2022 19:16

A book club would definitely be up my street! I was part of a running group but sadly cos of my other halves long hours I had to keep missing it as had no one to watch the kids :(

OP posts:
Aprilx · 26/10/2022 19:19

I sort of lost all my friends around that age, in my case due to two stints of working overseas and drifting apart from people whilst away. I was not that good at making friends anyway.

I haven’t really made much effort to rekindle friendships, but I think if I put the effort in there are a couple of people that i think I could resume past friendships with, I just haven’t got round to it. I think I would have to take up a new hobby to make new friends. I think it all requires more effort on my part at this point.

Tabbouleh · 26/10/2022 19:23

Making friends is a lifelong effort, I think. I have lost all my school gate friends as DC grown and work friends as I now WFH. :(

Cuppasoupmonster · 26/10/2022 19:24

It’s normal I think. Since having DD I’ve kept my small group of ‘best’ friends but the others have melted away. I just don’t have the time to do stuff that I used to. I don’t really mind to be honest. I’m pretty contented day to day. I’m pregnant with DD2 but am planning a move back to the city where most of them live in a year or two which will help. Any friendships you can rekindle?

autienotnaughty · 26/10/2022 19:30

Yes I had another child in my late thirties whilst friends were moving up in careers, regaining their lives. By the time I looked up to catch a breath my friends had moved on. We still catch up occasionally but it's not the same.

spagettinoodlebrain · 26/10/2022 19:37

I could have written this - I turned 40 this year and have a few friends that a live an hours drive in different directions but no one close to home! I'm a supportive caring friend, like a good rant and catch up and just miss this! I've been thinking about joining the local god squad as they seem to be a good sort, heck I've even thought about joining the PTA!! Where are you OP I would definitely be friends with you x

Original poster
bootswiththefur · 26/10/2022 19:40

@spagettinoodlebrain We know it's bad when we're considering the PTA hey lol :) I miss that laughter that comes with close friends, the silly stories, the meals out, just catching up and supporting each other. I'm in Birmingham.

@Tabbouleh I wfh too which probably doesnt help. I love it, but I guess it does limit your social interaction for sure!

OP posts:
Wondershoe · 26/10/2022 19:45

You can’t be passive about it. I am 44 and have some friends from uni/ school but I see those rarely. The friends I see weekly/ monthly are local and I’ve worked at making them through school, clubs even Insta.

I think it sadly can be normal but it’s not healthy to not have friends. But you have to work at it at first. Put yourself out there as they’re not going to knock on your door!

GoOnGetHappy · 26/10/2022 19:45

It takes about 200 hours of meaningful interaction to build a friendship - and who has time for that in their 40s? I know I don't. 😔 I need to makeore of an effort with colleagues and go to an extracurricular hobby ofnsome kind, but I have to balance family life and spend time with my partner - and oh, yes, self care too. It's very difficult to build friendships at this stage of life.

VioletCharlotte · 26/10/2022 19:49

bootswiththefur · 26/10/2022 19:40

@spagettinoodlebrain We know it's bad when we're considering the PTA hey lol :) I miss that laughter that comes with close friends, the silly stories, the meals out, just catching up and supporting each other. I'm in Birmingham.

@Tabbouleh I wfh too which probably doesnt help. I love it, but I guess it does limit your social interaction for sure!

Lol I know what you mean about the PTA, but it's honestly worth a try! I go on holiday every year with three friends I made on the PTA...and my DC are in their 20's now!

You do have to make more effort to make friends as you get older. What sort of things do you like doing?

Wondershoe · 26/10/2022 19:51

It's very difficult to build friendships at this stage of life

I really don’t think that’s true. In the last few years I have made at least 6 very good friends and lots of ‘fun time’ friends.

Wondershoe · 26/10/2022 19:52

Also having kids gives you an ‘in’. Do your kids not have any friends whose parents seem nice - invite them for a play date?

Morecrimblecrumble · 26/10/2022 19:54

What about joining a WI? I’ve been toying with it and local ones to me are not focussed only on older members (nothing wrong with that obviously but might not help you find people in a similar stage of life).
Get a sitter to facilitate running club or something new if necessary - an investment in your future happiness to make connection now.
good luck, you’re not alone :)

GoOnGetHappy · 26/10/2022 19:55

Wondershoe · 26/10/2022 19:51

It's very difficult to build friendships at this stage of life

I really don’t think that’s true. In the last few years I have made at least 6 very good friends and lots of ‘fun time’ friends.

OK, I change my quote to "it can be very difficult..."

Mary46 · 26/10/2022 19:56

Op not easy. Tired it myself. Had plan meet my friend last month she cancelled. Feel Im kinda done with the friends thing. Unless I chase her. Im in walking thing. Im 50. So that gets me out

Mary46 · 26/10/2022 19:57

School mams nice but fizzled out at secondary stage

Rockingcloggs · 26/10/2022 20:00

OP - I could have written your post. I just have the one DC (11) and I'm 40 next October!

I have one real friend (which I'm okay-ish with) but I now hate going out because I just feel so self conscious and 'Ill fitting'!

I'd love a book club!

Tabbouleh · 26/10/2022 20:02

What I find is that one to one friendships fizzle out as people are flaky these days. I prefer group activities now and am hoping to develop closer friends through those.

Original poster
bootswiththefur · 26/10/2022 20:02

@Rockingcloggs Surprised there isn't a Mumsnet book club! Need to have a word ;)

OP posts:
pumpkinelvis · 26/10/2022 20:02

I've met some friends at a gym class and they're all lovely.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 26/10/2022 20:03

Join Peanut to find people near you.

Agree with pp you have to make an active effort. Friendships need both people putting in an active effort with conversation and arranging and making time to meet. If one person feels like they’re doing everything they’ll stop trying.

Intelligenthair · 26/10/2022 20:11

Bumble also have a friendship section (completely separate to the dating bit) that gives you people near you, worth a look?

Soveryboredboredbored · 26/10/2022 20:11

This is me, slightly younger but the same. Doesn't help that I've always made one-on-one friends and not been part of a 'group'. Facebook tells me that many friendship groups from school are still alive but they seem to have stayed in the same place since then too.... I feel socially anxious in a way that I never have before.