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Original poster

Anyone here who had to learn to be single and accept the fact they’ll never be in a relationship?

33 replies

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 26/10/2022 18:18

How did you do it?

I tried to find threads about this, but they were all about living to be single.
How do I get to that mindset?

OP posts:
layladomino · 26/10/2022 18:35

Do you KNOW you won't ever be in a relationship, or thinks it's very likely, or just assuming?

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 26/10/2022 18:47

Well obviously I don't have power of all knowing, but it’s really not looking good, so I thought it’s time to start make my peace with it.

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 26/10/2022 18:48

So are you asking about grieving the loss of a relationship or the future you imagined for yourself? Or how to build a life for yourself that's meaningful, satisfying and fulfilling?

Both? Something else?

I'm not sure what you're searching for?

disneyprincess87 · 26/10/2022 18:51

I'm there OP, I've tried online dating for a number of years and I'm now sick and tired of it. I'm now not actively looking for a partner, I don't think that's going to happen. I'm now at the point where I'm happy by myself living in my own space with the moat wonderful of friends. It took a long time to get to this head space though xx

FuckingHell123 · 26/10/2022 19:07

Me 100%

I've had three terrible experiences, the third of which I've accepted I will never fully recover from. Not to the extent others have had, abuse etc, just extremely painful and traumatic.

I've tried to date - it was useless and just made me despise men even more - and I tried to settle without being in love - I couldn't. I'm now "retired" and genuinely can't imagine wanting another man anywhere near me again. I'm a year in, I'm 38. Obviously if someone truly perfect for me fell into my life and convinced me otherwise it would be amazing but it won't happen and I've accepted that.

It DOES hurt but in all honesty I only get lonely now and then... certainly not enough to put up with someone full time... and when I look back on every single relationship I've had they only one way or another made my life harder, more confusing and more irritating in the end.

I have switched to a job I will (fingers crossed) love when I've learned the ropes, I stay active, see friends sometimes, enjoy my solitude and am thankful that my lovely little home and my finances are mine and mine alone.

It's swings and roundabouts really. I just try to see the positives x

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 26/10/2022 19:10

@tickticksnooze
Just asking for advice to make peace with it, how to learn to be happy being single, how to not feel like an outsider and a weirdo, any help with lonliness / how to deal with jealous feeling when seeing couples and that life didn’t go as I thought / how it goes with most people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 26/10/2022 19:11

Hi @disneyprincess87 .
Can I ask what you did to get to that headspace?

OP posts:
Echoes89 · 26/10/2022 19:19

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup could have written this myself. It really sucks at the moment. Trying to get into a better headspace about it, but just finding it a bit depressing at the moment. Despite having friends, keeping myself busy, owning my own home, stable job, just feels like a missing part of my life I won't get and I don't know how to make my peace with it

tickticksnooze · 26/10/2022 19:26

What makes you feel like a "weirdo"? Is that something people have said or how you feel in situations?

If it's something people are actually saying to you for instance then I think the solution is to see less of those people, because that's uncalled for.

tickticksnooze · 26/10/2022 19:27

There aren't really any magic ways to make peace with loss - it's mostly a case of giving yourself time, patience and compassion.

Lovemusic33 · 26/10/2022 19:33

I have been single for 6 years, I’m not ruling out a relationship completely but i am not that bothered if it doesn’t happen. I don’t feel like a weirdo, I have lots of single friends who have kind of made peace with it too, I don’t really get lonely (very occasionally) and I enjoy not having to plan around someone else.
maybe list all the plus points of being single and all the negitive points of being in a relationship? 🤣

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 26/10/2022 19:50

What makes you feel like a "weirdo"? Is that something people have said or how you feel in situations?

It’s mostly just in my head. Everyone I know are in long term relationships or married, and they are very stable and healthy (the bastards😆 just kidding) and I just feel like an outsider.

Only comments I get is the you’ll find someone and asking if there is anyone yet, the usual things you’re supposed to say and ask.

OP posts:
TerfQueen · 26/10/2022 19:58

This may not really help, but there are an awful lot of people wishing to be alone, wanting to end a relationship and be free by choice and not have another relationship. Myself included. So the headspace does exist, it’s something that can happen and you can totally make peace with and even covet and be protective of. I suppose I’m trying to offer a bit of hope, but I’m not at all trying to undermine how difficult it must feel at the moment. Personally I believe wanting to / or accepting that, you don’t want or can’t have another relationship for whatever reason should be respected as much as those who want to be child free or accept they won’t have children. Certainly not weird or odd, and I hope no one makes you feel that way and you are kinder to yourself about it eventually. X

jiskoot · 26/10/2022 19:59

I was single until the grand age of 38 and eventually did make myself come to peace with it. Years of watching all of my friends coupled up, feeling like a complete weirdo, almost having to hide it as it felt embarrassing. Eventually realised that I was making myself miserable so I just kind of accepted it, accepted that actually, it was fine to be single. Everyone is different and there is no 'right way' to live your life. I was a week away from cancelling my long term OLD subscription when I met my now DH...being single that long didn't harm me, if anything I'm more appreciative of what I have..8 years in.

RoseAndGeranium · 26/10/2022 20:02

Full disclosure: I did eventually meet someone and get married. But for a long time I thought I wouldn’t. I was single for almost all of my twenties and into my early thirties. My only long(ish) term relationship — just under 18 months, for three of which he was in another country — was completely horrible. Everything else lasted a few weeks at most and left me feeling unlovable and a bit used. So I decided I was going to have to work out how to be single and ok with it. What was really important for me — and this is my reason for posting, in a way — was to insist that the things that were important in my life were just as significant for me as babies and marriage were for everyone else. So when my sister threw a first birthday party for her baby and I was super busy at work I just didn’t go, in spite of a lot of family pressure. The implication was that my work, however much it mattered to me, could never be as important as her baby. And to that kind of thing, my friend, you must say bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. You can’t go through life accepting that other people’s Big Things are, by default, more important than your Big Things.

wearethetiny · 26/10/2022 20:02

I never thought I'd meet anyone tbh. When
My friends were dating, snogging gorgeous men and in long term relationships I was so envious- I wanted it so so much, I really yearned to be one of those people in a lovely relationship and I would look at couples together in restaurants in awe. Then in a weird turn of events all my coupled friends broke up, various reasons but all ended up single. I am now the one living my dream life with my hubby in our lovely home and our gorgeous children. What am I saying? I'm saying things can change in an instant and honestly there is every chance you could meet mr wonderful tomorrow!!! Don't give up if it's what you want!

Feelinglow27 · 27/10/2022 05:11

I would say it's probably the same as any kind of grief, it needs time.

When i was coming to terms with never having children what helped was looking up positive stories of the child free (I think there were websites of people travelling etc basically living their best lives). There must be similar things for single people out there.

I think its about accepting that life sometimes has different plans for you, investigating different options and knowing the positives and opportunities you get from being single.

I am single now and couldn't imagine living with someone else again. It's nice doing what I like, when I like. Having my house how I like it. It would have to take someone amazingly special for me to give that up, and a lot of men are nowhere near special! I honestly feel men are getting worse as time goes on.

Knulp · 27/10/2022 06:23

I think there are two types of people that are single, those that genuinely want to be single because it feels better than being in a relationship, and those that have given up or are scared or just cannot put themselves through it again, but long for it regardless.

No guarantee that you will not be lonely even in a relationship, or even happy, or any of the things that you would think a relationship brings, the question you have to ask yourself is am I willing to put my happiness in the hands of another person? For me the answer is absolutely no, it does take time if you genuinely wish to be single, and after a while, you cherish the fact that you are responsible for your own happiness, and that you are as free as a bird, but whereas I look at couples with a certain pity, if you still look at them with envy, then maybe you are not ready yet, and should give a relationship another go!

SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 10:41

I am a single parent and I don’t get any time away from my children so I’ve had no choice but to be single been single for almost 6 years. It’s not a choice for me.

Melonapplepear · 27/10/2022 10:47

Honestly read the relationship posts on here, will soon put you off 🤣 on a serious note though I've been single 2 years and I can't see myself being in a relationship again. I'm not against it but I see the chances of meeting someone I want that with and vice versa as being very unlikely to happen. But I enjoy my own space and tbh, even if I did meet someone I wouldn't want to live with them.

Melonapplepear · 27/10/2022 10:51

Feelinglow27 · 27/10/2022 05:11

I would say it's probably the same as any kind of grief, it needs time.

When i was coming to terms with never having children what helped was looking up positive stories of the child free (I think there were websites of people travelling etc basically living their best lives). There must be similar things for single people out there.

I think its about accepting that life sometimes has different plans for you, investigating different options and knowing the positives and opportunities you get from being single.

I am single now and couldn't imagine living with someone else again. It's nice doing what I like, when I like. Having my house how I like it. It would have to take someone amazingly special for me to give that up, and a lot of men are nowhere near special! I honestly feel men are getting worse as time goes on.

These last 2 lines really resonate with me, I'm exactly the same. If it isn't something which actively adds to my life and doesn't cause undue stress and hassle, I'm out.

EBearhug · 27/10/2022 13:08

I've been single most of my life. It's shit once in a while, but I have a lot more freedom to do the things I want than most of my married friends, and I'm definitely better off than those who've been in abusive relationships. And I might sometimes wish someone else was here to share the chores, but I know that people in relationships don't always have that, and I'd resent that a whole lot more.

I've travelled half the world, been to tons of exhibitions and shows and things by myself, and I don't know that I'd have done all the things I have if I'd been in relationships.

anthurium · 27/10/2022 13:36

Have you thought about whether or not you want children Op @Sonervousimgonnathrowup

I'm a solo mum by choice and had my son using a sperm donor aged 39. It wasn't my plan A but many failed relationships behind me including a marriage I realised what I wanted was a child more than a relationship at that point. So, once I "decoupled" having a child and being in a relationship, sorted my finances and made sure I'd thought it through and prepared as well as I could have, I went ahead with the treatment. I wasn't prepared to miss out on a chance of motherhood simply because I'd never met anyone suitable to start a family with.

My son is here now and almost 1 and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Yes solo parenting can be hard but parenting is hard in general, and wasting time on OLD is even harder! Disappointment after disappointment.

Being in a good relationship seems very elusive and I wasn't and am not prepared to waste any more time on it. If someone amazing comes along, I might reconsider it but obviously now with a child in tow it is a very different consideration. I am genuinely happy now, and enjoy my freedom and having to compromise for a romantic relationship. The only person I have to take into account now is my son and that's a very different sort of consideration.

overthehillat50 · 27/10/2022 16:21

I feel sad that I haven't had a very long term partner. I've found online dating really frustrating. The ones I liked didn't want to commit. It's so rare for me to click with someone and fancy them so I end up wondering why it has to be so difficult.

Having said that I've always been very independant and never had rose tinted glasses on about marriage or kids. Just recently, though, I was ill and had no one to help me. It really brought home how isolated I am. I got really down about it.

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 28/10/2022 17:42

@anthurium
Luckily I’m childfree, so that’s one less worry.

OP posts: