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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he love her aswell!

27 replies

concerned39 · 25/10/2022 20:35

My Husband has been having an on off affair with another woman. He breaks it "off" for a little while when I've found out but he always goes back to her even though he said he will not. He is always watching her. She's local and passes us often so I've caught him.. he also speaks highly of her and often puts me down.

Does he love her, Is he in love with the both of us? Are we both as ridiculous as each other for accepting his behaviours?

OP posts:
Midnights · 25/10/2022 20:36

"Are we both as ridiculous as each other for accepting his behaviours?"

Yes.

NicholJO · 25/10/2022 20:39

Hi op please leave him you have let him away with this far to long he's completely taking the piss out of you why let him do this to you surely your worth so much more as for does he love her he possibly likes the idea of having his cake and eat it he certainly don't love you to do this to you

9HrsSleep · 25/10/2022 20:57

He doesnt love either of you.

MsDogLady · 25/10/2022 21:04

@concerned39, your H treats you with contempt by putting you down and constantly cheating. This is not love. It’s destruction.

Why are you settling for this farce of a marriage?

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/10/2022 21:22

I would say he doesn't love you ENOUGH.
He hasn't "forsaken all others" as promised in his wedding vows. He's weak.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2022 21:23

I doubt he loves either of you. How long are you going to tolerate this shoddy behaviour?

PeacefulPottering · 25/10/2022 21:29

How old are you OP? It's just my Aunty put up with this situation, husband coming and going to OW, put up with it and she always said it was because she was in her sixties, she was post menopausal and nobody else will be willing to make a life with her. Turns out at 72 she was made a widow and a year later met and married a really lovely chap. She is 79 now and they both travel,garden,visit family have a lovely life. She regrets every second she overlooked her first husbands cheating.

JessesMum777888 · 25/10/2022 21:30

No he doesn’t love you.
sorry x

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2022 21:30

Is this really all you want from your life?

Original poster
concerned39 · 25/10/2022 21:31

PeacefulPottering · 25/10/2022 21:29

How old are you OP? It's just my Aunty put up with this situation, husband coming and going to OW, put up with it and she always said it was because she was in her sixties, she was post menopausal and nobody else will be willing to make a life with her. Turns out at 72 she was made a widow and a year later met and married a really lovely chap. She is 79 now and they both travel,garden,visit family have a lovely life. She regrets every second she overlooked her first husbands cheating.

35, we have 5 children 3 of them being primary school age.. 😢.. not sure I would cope alone

OP posts:
forlornlorna1 · 25/10/2022 21:31

Only person he loves is himself

Melonapplepear · 25/10/2022 21:35

Being alone is better than having your dignity trampled daily by this man, who sounds dreadful. Let the other woman deal with him.

PinotPony · 25/10/2022 21:43

Well isn't he is absolute prince? Why the hell would you stay in a relationship with this utter waste of oxygen? Give it another decade and your self esteem will be so shot you'll have zero options.

You know this isn't right. This isn't how loving partners behave. It's scary as fuck but time to put your big girl pants on and tell him to piss off. Life alone with 5 kids will be undoubtedly tough but you'll still be in a better place than you are now. FFS don't do the "pick me" dance!

WakingUpDistress · 25/10/2022 21:53

I don’t know about her but he doesn’t love you.
The very least you’d expect from someone who loves you is respect. And he doesn’t respect you at all. Not when he is putting you down. Not when he is going back to her again and again. Nit when he is ‘looking at her’.

The only reason I can find just now fir him to stay is because he has a skivvy to wash his pants and cook his dinner. Or and probably sex too.But he isn’t staying because he loves you.

Musti · 25/10/2022 21:54

Who cares?? Kick him out!!

Wombat27A · 25/10/2022 21:57

And get yourself checked out for stds.

Eugh. Endangering both your physical & mental health.

ExtraJalapenos · 25/10/2022 22:32

Sorry to say but he DEFINITELY doesn't love you OP.

You will cope. Leave for the kids sake if not yours.

MMmomDD · 25/10/2022 22:42

@concerned39
It isn’t possibly to know who he loves.
For starters - yes people can certainly love more than one person. And people can of course be attracted to many people at the same time.

As to why he goes back? It’s simple. Because he can. Its exciting and he gets to forget about his life’s responsibilities:

Frankly - with 5 kids and three of primary school age - I would be leaving. I’d made sure he is involved and carried his fair share of the hard grind of child rearing. Why would I bear the hard load by myself while he goes and enjoys child free work with the OW, and see kids EOW.
I’d also try to start disconnecting emotionally and thinking/preparing for leaving one day.

Rolypolyup · 25/10/2022 22:44

Does everyone genuinely think you can't love more than one person?

PinotPony · 25/10/2022 22:48

Rolypolyup · 25/10/2022 22:44

Does everyone genuinely think you can't love more than one person?

Of course you can love more than one person.

But what he is demonstrating isn't love, for either of the women involved. It's disrespect and manipulation.

WakingUpDistress · 25/10/2022 23:00

Rolypolyup · 25/10/2022 22:44

Does everyone genuinely think you can't love more than one person?

Oh I’m sure you can.

But his behaviour towards the OP is not the one you’d expect from someone who loves her. Rather her DH seems to treat her with contempt - not love.

PeacefulPottering · 25/10/2022 23:41

For what it's worth no, I don't think you can love two women when one is looking after your children and the other is for sex. That's a male doing what absolutely suits him. Somewhere along the line there will be a conflicting interest. We are supposed to be strictly monogamous to raise children. That's biological, that's nature. Love is something else. Love is a concept.

Melonapplepear · 25/10/2022 23:46

Rolypolyup · 25/10/2022 22:44

Does everyone genuinely think you can't love more than one person?

I absolutely do. But this chap here isn't loving anyone but himself.

Guavafish1 · 26/10/2022 00:02

Sounds like he loves you both.

Andypandy799 · 26/10/2022 09:48

@concerned39 sorry to have to say this but he certainly doesn’t love you. He definitely loves himself though.

Ask yourself how he can do this to the mother of his 5 children? I’m lost for words sorry