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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Women's Aid Referral - making me panic

31 replies

nameforthis · 25/10/2022 14:16

I had an appointment last week with a mental health advisor at my GP surgery. He has referred me to Women's Aid and I just feel very confused and stressed about it at the moment.

Context - relationship with DH is a source of stress because he has these moods and in them he calls me names, swears at me, tells me I am useless, and has threatened to cut me and the kids off financially. Not in these moods, he can be very kind and we parent together pretty well. I walk on egg shells a lot of the time and feel exhausted by it. He is the main earner and I worry about finances if I were to go. Sometimes I feel I have to go sometimes I feel I can stay and I am not sure I have the capacity to function very well without him.

I just feel very confused and overwhelmed at the moment. And kind of guilty and like I am being dramatic. I don't know. If I had better boundaries and spoke up for myself more - or something - I just don't know. I am very conflict-averse and tend to shut down when he gets like that.

They are going to call me on Thursday. What if I am wasting their time? What if I stay? What if it can be sorted out? Would I even know if that was possible? Why am I so all over the place?!

OP posts:

YoSofi · 25/10/2022 14:32

I think you should have the call with them and decide from there.

You don’t have to do anything yet, just speak to them - it will probably do you good. You can take some time after the call to think it through, and decide your next steps.

You don’t have to be ready to leave yet, but they will be able to give you advice around finances and support available if you do decide to leave.

Its not your fault OP, and your husband is abusing you. Please take the call.

CousinKrispy · 25/10/2022 14:35

Hey there OP, big hugs.

You won't be wasting their time. They can decide after they talk to you if they are the right fit for you.

Women's Aid was really helpful when I spoke with them. I'd say give it a try.

You deserve to feel better than you do and to have access to support that will help you feel better. WA may be part of that and they'll be happy to talk to you. It's easy for many of us to undervalue ourselves and think we don't deserve any help when we do!

Good luck!

Original poster

nameforthis · 25/10/2022 14:51

Thank you. I feel like I am taking up a resource when things could be a lot worse than they are and will be for other women. I am very stressed and anxious in the relationship but also finding it hard to think straight at the moment.

OP posts:

pog100 · 25/10/2022 15:06

You are using a resource that is set up precisely to help people like you. You are being abused periodically, you are confused about your options and consequences and you feel trapped. They are there exactly to help this. You aren't taking any irreversible actions, they are just informing and advising you. They are mostly volunteers who are desperate to help people in your situation. Please take the call and follow up on it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 15:06

You need to take this call from Womens Aid. All your words here are all words that an abused person in a relationship would write.

And no you are not taking up a resource here. What you are describing is your H abusing you and in turn your children.

Original poster

nameforthis · 25/10/2022 15:19

OK thank you, I don't know why it has made me so fearful. They are going to call back on Thursday as I can get to a private space then. I just thought things would feel more straightforward. They always seem clear when I read accounts from others, it just feels a bit muddy for me.

OP posts:

Amyireland1 · 25/10/2022 15:32

Good luck op!
im wondering are wa annomous or do you have to give name/ address

VanillaParkersBowl · 25/10/2022 15:43

What if I am wasting their time?

The first thing I said to my WA support worker was that I didn't think I should be there and there were more women in need of their support than me. She said every single woman said that. She also said every single woman they saw needed help. You are not wasting their time. You are worth helping.

What if I stay? What if it can be sorted out? Would I even know if that was possible?

WA will not force you to leave. They will talk you through everything. If you do decide to stay they will help you navigate that. They are there to support you and your children.

Why am I so all over the place?!

Because you are in an abusive relationship. That's what the abuse is designed to do - have you doubting yourself. Along with the rest.

I don't know why it has made me so fearful.

You are taking the first steps of the rest of your life, it is scary, but worth it. You DO have the capacity to function without him. You will probably blossom. Many of us do. When you look back to this time in the years to come you won't recognise yourself.

SquirrelSoShiny · 25/10/2022 15:44

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 15:06

You need to take this call from Womens Aid. All your words here are all words that an abused person in a relationship would write.

And no you are not taking up a resource here. What you are describing is your H abusing you and in turn your children.

This. Please take the call. It will give you food for thought.

CousinKrispy · 25/10/2022 16:48

I think it's normal for it to feel scary and confusing, if that's any comfort. Don't worry if you feel unsure. Just talk to WA and then you can reflect.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 25/10/2022 16:57

You aren't wasting their time. You need their help. One of the kinds of help you need is help to understand how damaging your current situation is for your kids as well as yourself, and that you accepting it is harmful.

sweatervest · 25/10/2022 17:28

it makes me literally feel as though i've been punched in the stomach reading this thread. i went through similar and I had amazing support from WA and they referred me to an idva who helped me get a non-mol done (solicitors charge about £2,000 where i am for doing a non=mol. whereas doing one with an idva costs nothing)
I'm leaping ahead but WA are great and making that first phone call to them from you is a big step to getting you living so that you're NOT walking on eggshells

friend said to me that i'd been gaslit. and am now inadvertently gaslighting myself (quite typical apparently). so you are NOT going mad in case you think you are.

really good luck to you. coming out the other side can take a while (i'm a year later but still going through things) but you're going in the right direction. (and if i sound like one of david brent's motivational speeches then i apologise profusely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

KangarooKenny · 25/10/2022 17:30

They will decide if you are wasting their time, don’t worry.

Name99 · 25/10/2022 17:37

It really sounds like you need their help.
It's very normal to feel confused as an abuser will be nice sometimes, there's a cycle of abuse
Its normal to feel confused after the relationship ends too, thinking " was it really that bad?"

Abuse is a very complex thing, speak with WA, your counsellor has flagged this up after hearing you speak.
Look after yourself x

Original poster

nameforthis · 25/10/2022 17:37

Thank you, I feel less panic now. It's just oddly exposing. And I feel sad, he does behave badly but I still think there is goodness in him and I care about him I just can't stand the moods and I hate feeling scared at home. I've put up with it for years. Every time I have thought to leave he becomes really nice. Then I think I can stay. And I just feel guilty about the whole thing. Like I am making a fuss. I will speak to them and see what they say.

OP posts:

Name99 · 25/10/2022 17:43

You are certainly not making a fuss
I know how you feel. Its a horrible feeling to walk on eggshells
Take any support and advice they give you
I underestimated the effect it was having on my kids, I thought I was protecting them but they aren't happy if their mum isnt

VanillaParkersBowl · 26/10/2022 10:36

I still think there is goodness in him and I care about him

That goodness is not real. It is what he uses to make you stay. The real him is the one who has you doubting yourself, walking on eggshells, feeling guilty (when you have NO reason to), posting on MN. His behaviour is designed to have you feel this way.

Every time I have thought to leave he becomes really nice.

Can you see that that's a pattern? He senses the change in you, even if you say nothing. He puts on his good person act to make you wonder what you'd been bothered about and think it will be alright now. Once you are back settled into staying he turns back to the normal him.

Original poster

nameforthis · 26/10/2022 11:15

Yes, it is a pattern. Sometimes there are big gaps and I think it is going to be ok. We will be ok. But it always comes back eventually. I can't believe I have put up with it. I never thought I would be that person. Yet here I am.

OP posts:

VanillaParkersBowl · 26/10/2022 11:25

I hear you. I was the same. It wasn't until I was free that I could see the whole picture, with the help of WA.

We're here for you too

Original poster

nameforthis · 27/10/2022 13:12

They didn't call. I assume I must have written down the wrong time or the wrong day. I tried to call them but there is no answer. I am quite confused about things at the moment so I must have got muddled up.

OP posts:

Original poster

nameforthis · 27/10/2022 14:46

OK I didn't get the time wrong. They just didn't call me. I had told them I was going to have to pretend to go out and sit in my car because DH works from home. I waited 45 minutes. Got a text at 2pm to say sorry they didn't call and could they call then instead. Luckily he is out. Different woman than the person I first spoke to, she seemed very unsure of what she was doing and it made me a bit nervous. She filled in some forms and that was it. I guess now I wait. My anxiety is through the bloody roof though.

OP posts:

VanillaParkersBowl · 27/10/2022 15:32

Oh, that doesn't sound like a good start. Hopefully once you are in their system things will go more smoothly.

Deep breaths

CousinKrispy · 27/10/2022 15:34

Oh I'm sorry it didn't go so well. I hope you'll stick with it and the next call will be better.

Original poster

nameforthis · 27/10/2022 15:46

Yes thank you - just teething problems I suppose. Doesn't help that I am so nervous about it all. I shall see what they say next week. At least something is happening and I think they might be able to help me with advice
accommodation/finances which is my main anxiety.

OP posts:

Anonymices · 28/10/2022 23:02

I am working with Women's Aid at the moment too, because of emotional and verbal abuse. It is really hard and I constantly question myself too. Can you go into where they work? I find it easier meeting face to face. Sometimes they will meet you somewhere neutral.
Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book "why does he do that?"? It really helped me to see the abusive behaviour and what he was getting out of it. What happens when you do hold boundaries or stand up for yourself? I had the same question, but when I tested it I found the abuse ramped up.

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