Supporting boyfriend through dad's remarriage

[bathsh3ba]

I'm deliberately keeping details to a minimum here as I don't want to say anything that identifies the family, though I'm sure it's not an uncommon scenario.

I've been with my boyfriend a year now, we are both in our early 40s, not living together yet. We are both divorced and both have our own children.

My boyfriend's parents divorced 20 years ago in a very acrimonious divorce after his dad had a long affair and, by all accounts, both his dad and the OW behaved appallingly. I won't go into the detail as it's identifying but trust me it includes some very low behaviour beyond the cheating factor.

The dad stayed with the OW and is now marrying her. My boyfriend has only ever met the OW once about 10 years ago. He tells me he went to their house and she told him she didn't consider they had had an affair, he told her she was lying to herself, she burst into tears and he was asked to leave. Since then he sees his dad a couple of times a year but not the OW.

I haven't met the dad yet, I have met his mum, sister and several of his friends and we are all on great terms eg I meet up with his mum/sister without him.

Fast forward to now and his dad wants us both to come to the wedding, along with my kids too as well as his grandson. But he insists we all meet first with him and the OW to clear the air.

My boyfriend is finding this all very difficult. He feels a loyalty to his mum, is still angry at his dad and he's particularly upset that his dad has never really acknowledged he did anything wrong. He is worried his new step-mum will make a similar comment to last time and he'll either have to bite his tongue and feel disloyal or spoil his dad's wedding.

I'm not sure how best to support him. I've obviously told him we will do whatever he feels is best in regard to meeting up and the wedding and that I'll follow his lead in this and I have his back. His family, including him are all very strong personalities and he has a very strong moral code that is really being tested by this. I'm much more of a peacemaker, which works in the dynamic of our relationship as I soften his harder edges and he encourages me to stand up for myself more. But peacemaking in this scenario would feel like disloyalty to him so I don't know how to help.

Any advice from people who have been through similar would be appreciated and sorry for the essay!

Hi OP. Your boyfriend’s dad isn’t suggesting you take your kids along to this meeting, is he ? I wouldn’t be doing that and having them dragged into a potentially argumentative situation.
Otherwise, everyone in this scenario are adults and a substantial amount of time has passed for everyone to be through this and getting on with their own lives now.
Being ‘summoned’ so that his father can ‘clear the air’ seems a bit extreme and a tad dramatic.
I think, if I were your boyfriend, I’d just state that there’s no air to be cleared on his part and that you’re all looking forward to joining them for their special day - and leave it at that.

Sounds like a lot of fuss for something that happened 20 years ago to me. The meeting beforehand is likely to make matters worse. I’d either just go to the wedding, or politely decline since he doesn’t really have a proper relationship with his dad and fiancé.

'My boyfriend's parents divorced 20 years ago in a very acrimonious divorce after his dad had a long affair and, by all accounts, both his dad and the OW behaved appallingly. I won't go into the detail as it's identifying but trust me it includes some very low behaviour beyond the cheating factor.'

Anyone suggesting 'it was 20 years ago and they should be over it' is emotionally lacking. Your boyfriend is likely scarred for life by his dad's behaviour. If my dad had done this to my mum and not taken responsibility for the hurt caused to his whole family, there's no way I'd be going to his wedding, and how dare he demand that you 'clear the air' at some sort of 'meeting'. He should have had the balls to discuss this privately with his son years ago.

The ‘air’ needs to be cleared with his son, you and the kids don’t need to be there. I suspect the only reason you are all invited is because his Dad will use you as cover to gloss past poor behaviour on his part. I suspect once the photo opportunities/ wedding is over, he’ll go back to ignoring his son.

I can understand this situation must be very confusing for your bf but I would ask him what he wants out of the ‘reunion’ and what could happen if the expectations/ hopes are far from being met.

Children should not be anywhere near this potential car crash. The Dad sounds like an arse and the reunion has probably very little to do with his son and everything to do with making himself look better with an audience.

I think the only ‘help’ you can really offer is letting him know that it’s okay to not want to peacemake. He doesn’t have to go to the wedding, or the summit he has been called to attend, and he can just decline.

He really shouldn’t feel pressured to be a grown up or ‘move on’. I would not be attending a remarriage of one of my parents which started with an affair, particularly where the OW/OM can’t even acknowledge the situation.

No, we wouldn't take the kids to the meeting. I'm in two minds about taking mine to the wedding, if we go. I guess his grandson will have to go but I'd be going to support my boyfriend and don't think my kids necessarily need to be there.

At the end of the day, it's his family, his call but I feel like I just don't know how to make him feel better and I should!

It's understandable in my opinion that he is not 'over' the previous behaviour even though I'm sure his dad would like to move on without ever acknowledging it.

Why hasn’t he just declined? He barely sees his dad and hates his dad’s partner, he made her cry. Why even entertain going to the wedding or any pre meetings? Much easier to do that than include you and all the agonies about moral codes and clearing the air.

If you notice, I said ‘through’ and not ‘over’ 🙂
My Mum was having an affair for many decades and once my Dad passed away she felt it was fine to just start attending family stuff with her OM and my siblings and I were just expected to accept this, be fine with it and not say anything.
They have both passed on now too but I’m still not ‘over’ it nor will I ever be - but I can’t let it constantly hang over me, tarnishing the rest of my life and so I’ve moved ‘past’ it.
Hope that’s given a bit of context for my reply, OP.
I think you’re right in not exposing your own kids to all of this.
I guess the best way forward for you is to just support your boyfriend, listen to him as you’re currently doing and back him in his decision to attend the wedding or otherwise. His father sounds like he likes an audience, doesn’t he ? 😉

I have a similar background to your boyfriend. And it wasn't the breakdown of the marriage it was the awful behavior and down right fraud that put the boot in.

I chose not to engage when my father wanted me and my kids to attend his wedding. I wasn't going to rewrite or support their downright lies.

Neither can see anything wrong with their behavior even though in our case they forged my mother's signature on mortgage, emptied bank accounts including childrens college funds.

It's okay to not forgive nor forget.

Thanks everyone. I have the kind of family where these differences are openly (and sometimes loudly) aired - perhaps this is why I'm a natural peacemaker, who knows. So it's odd to me to have this scenario where such a thorny topic has just been pushed under the rug for so many years.

My boyfriend is big on communication, which works for me. Anything, no matter how small, we talk it out when it happens. (This is good for me as it means I'm learning that conflict can end well.) So if he's not pushing his dad on this I feel like there must be some deep-rooted trauma about it all.

Anyway, I will go with what he wants and keep my own kids out of it! Like their mum, they're little peacemakers and negotiators!

@Marblessolveeverything that's awful. Nothing criminal in this situation but definitely behaviour that is 100% morally abhorrent. Kicking someone when they're down and showing selfishness on a massive scale.

but I feel like I just don't know how to make him feel better and I should!

Love, please don’t beat yourself up on this basis. You can’t know and there is no magical way you should know. I’m from a similar background to your DH, and 30years + on I still don’t know all the hows of making it better.

Just be there. Listen. Be a brake to any going off at the deep end. Prioritise the kids by keeping them out of the circus tent of now grown children’s pain. You cannot the provider of feeling better. The now grown children have to walk this path under their own stream. That you are willing to walk by his side with your hand in his is so much more than enough in its own right. Please don’t think you aren’t doing it right because you can’t make everything right.

Firstly I do question why after only a year you are already blending your families. How much has your boyfriend met your children? Do you all spend time together?

Its has to be your boyfriend’s decision. There’s no right or wrong. I would ask him if he’d regret not having a relationship with his father, he isnt going to live forever. If he’s happy to keep him at arms length then he doesn’t have to go to the wedding.

The dad sounds like a shitbag and is probably worried about what everyone else will think if his son is not there rather than actually trying to heal their relationship. If healing was important, he’d have done something a long time ago.

Well we haven't blended our families to the extent we live together but we try to get a balance of time spent just us, time spent with the kids and us together and time we each spend with just our kids. I feel we have gone at a sensible pace and everyone is happy with it and gets on.

I suppose just keep an open mind and let him know that whatever he decides to do is the right answer.

The dad may be a shitbag but there may also be circumstances that your bf didn't know about as a young adult. You could make sure you're not reinforcing his opinion of his dad as a twat so it gives him room to change his mind and see him if he wants to but other than that you can't really help I think.

@bathsh3ba we tried to bring fraud charges as his OW pretended to be my mother. However when we went to bank HQ and explained their oversight on the identity they pulled the mortgage and threatened charges. We never got the money back but at least we put a stall on their gallop

Only anyone that has come through this experience, will have any understanding of the debt of emotions involved. It doesn't matter if it 10, 20, 30 years. The hurt experienced as a child and witnessing the deception and appalling treatment of his mother, that trauma can stay with a child for life.

The father and OW will always try to validate their behaviour, feeling that enough time has passed by, so everyone should just move on.
It suits them to justify their behaviour.

You are doing the best thing in supporting your DP. In all honesty, he owes his father nothing. Perhaps he is in turmoil because he doesn't even want to attend the wedding. If that's the case', he shouldn't worry about how his father feels about that.

It obviously, his father couldn't care less about his son's feelings. Its all about the OW.

You haven't mentioned whether your DPs sister is going to attend the wedding or if she has any relation to the Dad.

It's approaching a decade since my kids and I were out through what sounds like a similar trauma by ex and OW and I don't think any of us will ever NOT be scarred. I really feel for your husband OP, he will also be scarred. I'd decline attending the meeting and the wedding personally. It's all very well trying to brush things under the carpet and normalise your shit behaviour but you don't need to go along with it. I hope your DH can access some therapy. That's been the best thing for us.

The sister is planning to attend the wedding but also has a fraught relationship and has retained contact with her dad but not the OW.

i think it would be better if boyfriend speaks to his father alone first. His anger should be directed towards him.

There two sides to every story. There no point in discussing the past affair of 20 years ago… it will not change the situation.

Its best to keep the meeting civil and superficial. Sounds like too much water under the bridge. Or he can just attend the wedding instead.

I don't wish to add more difficult things to consider, but has he thought about what's going to be said in speeches and so on at the wedding?

Obviously the affair and so on is not going to be mentioned but I can totally imagine things being said that would totally gloss over your BF's experience of his childhood/teenage years. They're going to be soulmates, that have gone through really tough times together, they feel so lucky to have met such an amazing person, never imagined they would have such a wonderful relationship etc etc etc. It might be really hard to listen to.

I would give serious thought to not going to the wedding tbh.

I think if your bf isn't ready to accept the past, bury it and move on and accept his dad's new partner, then he really shouldn't be going to the wedding. Can't see how a meeting to clear the air is going to suddenly fix things either. I think your bf would be better putting all his grievances in a letter or email to his dad. And hoping that his dad replies similarly.

It sounds like they've never discussed any of this in 20 years? Has all of the detail come from bf's mum, or was he direct witness to it all? Is it possible that she's spun or exaggerated?

My ex never got over her parent's separation, and still holds a huge grudge with her dad. But all 3 of them tell a very different version of events, so fuck knows which one is closest to the truth!

Your poor partner.

Anyone who thinks it's so long ago that he should get over it, is pretty lame.

His father tore his mums life apart. And cant even acknowledge or apologise to his adult children for his behaviour. Lying cheating scumbag.

The best thing to do is not make any decision. Just let your partner handle this how he wants. He can just cut ties. I would have.

My DP cut ties with his mum. She was also a horrible human to his dad. I dont judge. I'll always support him in whatever his decisions are regarding her.

I'd let your boyfriend go to meet his dad alone and I wouldn't take your kids anywhere near the wedding. They don't need to be involved with any of this.

Support your boyfriend at the wedding but after just a year together this feels too much too soon for all the kids involved

Sorry posted to soon...

I wouldn't be calling OW step-mum either. She's not your boyfriend's step-mum. She's his dad's soon to be wife. Big difference!