Supporting boyfriend through dad's remarriage

[bathsh3ba]

I'm deliberately keeping details to a minimum here as I don't want to say anything that identifies the family, though I'm sure it's not an uncommon scenario.

I've been with my boyfriend a year now, we are both in our early 40s, not living together yet. We are both divorced and both have our own children.

My boyfriend's parents divorced 20 years ago in a very acrimonious divorce after his dad had a long affair and, by all accounts, both his dad and the OW behaved appallingly. I won't go into the detail as it's identifying but trust me it includes some very low behaviour beyond the cheating factor.

The dad stayed with the OW and is now marrying her. My boyfriend has only ever met the OW once about 10 years ago. He tells me he went to their house and she told him she didn't consider they had had an affair, he told her she was lying to herself, she burst into tears and he was asked to leave. Since then he sees his dad a couple of times a year but not the OW.

I haven't met the dad yet, I have met his mum, sister and several of his friends and we are all on great terms eg I meet up with his mum/sister without him.

Fast forward to now and his dad wants us both to come to the wedding, along with my kids too as well as his grandson. But he insists we all meet first with him and the OW to clear the air.

My boyfriend is finding this all very difficult. He feels a loyalty to his mum, is still angry at his dad and he's particularly upset that his dad has never really acknowledged he did anything wrong. He is worried his new step-mum will make a similar comment to last time and he'll either have to bite his tongue and feel disloyal or spoil his dad's wedding.

I'm not sure how best to support him. I've obviously told him we will do whatever he feels is best in regard to meeting up and the wedding and that I'll follow his lead in this and I have his back. His family, including him are all very strong personalities and he has a very strong moral code that is really being tested by this. I'm much more of a peacemaker, which works in the dynamic of our relationship as I soften his harder edges and he encourages me to stand up for myself more. But peacemaking in this scenario would feel like disloyalty to him so I don't know how to help.

Any advice from people who have been through similar would be appreciated and sorry for the essay!

Just catching up on all the messages and thanks for the support and reassurance that this isn't something I have to fix, I think I needed to hear that!

The affair began when my boyfriend was in his teens but was not revealed till he had left home. As far as I know, he has had the story of it all from both his mum and his dad, though of course his dad justifies it all. My boyfriend was also cheated on by his wife a few years down the line and she left to be with the OM and is still with him, so I imagine that must have felt like a double whammy.

He is in regular contact with his dad by phone/text and they meet up maybe 2-3 times a year, so it isn't that he doesn't see his dad - he just doesn't see the OW.

He got the strong sense from his dad's phone call - and I suspect he's right - that the reason the OW is suddenly so keen we are at the wedding is to avoid awkward questions about why his children aren't there, which might reveal truths she wants to keep hidden.

An added factor in all this I'm sure is that his dad recently had a health scare and I suspect this has precipitated the marriage for financial reasons rather than anything else, as the OW would otherwise be left high and dry if anything happened to him. But of course the health scare was also hard for my boyfriend.

Anyway, my boyfriend has decided we are going to meet his dad and the OW for a quick coffee next week and he'll decide about the wedding based on how that goes. But no kids are coming to the meeting and I won't be taking my kids to the wedding. I had an abusive marriage before so neither I nor my kids are great around shouting etc but my boyfriend has really helped me in getting me to understand it's safe to stand up for myself with him, or with him by my side.

I won't get involved other than to support my boyfriend and to back him up if he feels he needs to take a stand.