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Original poster

Could you be with somebody incapable of emotional support?

32 replies

Silence0000 · 25/10/2022 00:29

I have a fair bit of trauma in my past from childhood onwards and I'm in therapy at the moment to process / work on it.

I'm a proactive person, I try not to dwell on things and keep a positive mindset for the most part but naturally from time to time I may need a little emotional support as per most people going through trauma therapy would.

This evening I shared a frustration with my partner about how one of these things were handled when I was a child, I just wanted to be heard really.. validated and a hug wouldn't have gone amiss.

He knows all about it all already so it wasn't like I was dropping a bombshell.

He didn't even acknowledge what I was saying. Just an awkward silence. No response. I went to bed and just cried.

Are some men just incapable of providing emotional support? Could you be in a relationship like this?

OP posts:
ToFindNewWays · 25/10/2022 00:32

No I couldn’t, it’s soul destroying and creates more pain.

Sorry OP. And I’m sorry about your childhood trauma Flowers

CandyLeBonBon · 25/10/2022 00:37

Nope. My exH was like this. It's horrible. I tried for 12 years and it was utterly unbearable.

colouringindoors · 25/10/2022 00:39

No. I was. It was so, so damaging.

Amsooverthis · 25/10/2022 00:39

No, I am in the process of separating. One of the issues for me is the fact that I could never bring anything that would need emotional support to him, over time I have realised that this really ought to be a foundation stone for a relationship, you can discuss and support each other when times are hard. Your experience sounds more extreme than mine, I couldn't accept that level of seeming indifference. Good luck with the rest of your therapy journey.

DancingInHisShirt · 25/10/2022 00:43

No, I couldn’t. Sorry that you’re not getting support from your partner.

I think it’s a huge red flag and very unattractive when men can’t talk about their own feelings or offer real support to their partners when discussing theirs.

ILoveMyCaravan · 25/10/2022 00:45

Absolutely no way. I would be dead by now if my partner wasn't emotionally supportive of me. I have an extremely traumatic past which I kept hidden for a long time. But now it's out, I really need his support. It's bloody difficult at times for him, but ultimately he's there for me. If it was any other way, I wouldn't be here.

It must be so very difficult for you x

Karmakamelion · 25/10/2022 00:46

Please please get out now. Im married to a man like this and it has just reiterated the feelings of inadequacy that my shitty childhood caused.

Original poster
Silence0000 · 25/10/2022 00:46

Thank you for the replies, it's sad that I'm not the only person here already who has been with somebody like this.

He is a terrible communicator, he can't talk about his own feelings let alone mine.

It all feels very.. shallow, you know? As you said Amso being able to talk openly / be supported by your partner should be the foundation stone for a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silence0000 · 25/10/2022 00:48

Ilove and Karma I'm sending unMumsnetty hugs to you both.

It's all a bit shit isn't it? How utterly demoralising that we can't turn to the one person we should be able to.

OP posts:
BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 25/10/2022 00:48

Most of my relationships have been like this. It was one of the biggest killers of my marriage. I also have a lot of significant past trauma, and had a breakdown several years ago after certain things I'd repressed resurfaced.

I was paralysed with depression, and a kind of grief almost. Instead of listening and supporting me, my now ExH reported me to SS, saying I wasn't coping. I never forgave him.

Original poster
Silence0000 · 25/10/2022 00:55

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 25/10/2022 00:48

Most of my relationships have been like this. It was one of the biggest killers of my marriage. I also have a lot of significant past trauma, and had a breakdown several years ago after certain things I'd repressed resurfaced.

I was paralysed with depression, and a kind of grief almost. Instead of listening and supporting me, my now ExH reported me to SS, saying I wasn't coping. I never forgave him.

Fucking hell, that's unforgivable. How on earth did he conclude that was the right thing to do? Anybody with an iota of sense would know that is only going to cause more damage. I feel like SS are weaponised alot by dickhead men and malicious people in general. I'm so sorry.

OP posts:
JoanCandy · 25/10/2022 00:59

No, OP, I couldn't and can't, actually ... divorced from 'D'H who had just this kind of issue (amongst the other stuff, sadly). 💐

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 25/10/2022 00:59

@Silence0000, he reported me because "he needed support". So effectively it was a big fuck you to what I was going through, he made it all about him in the most painful way possible. You can probably imagine how completely broken and helpless I felt.

Weatherwax13 · 25/10/2022 01:01

Your partner must be reinforcing the feeling that you're not worth listening to. Soul destroying.
My DH doesn't always know what to say to me if I'm upset/triggered. But he'll stop what he's doing and give me a hug.
And that's an acknowledgement that even though he doesn't completely understand he's still listening.
DH once told me that sometimes he worries about saying the wrong thing and that's when I get a hug and a cuppa. Which is absolutely fine with me as I don't expect him to be my therapist.
But I do expect him to show he cares.
I do the same for him. I'm sad for you as you should be able to speak freely to your partner without being hurt even more.

emptythelitterbox · 25/10/2022 01:11

I've had this before. Empathy is a foundation for any ltr. Seems quite a few men can fake it until they get what they want and then go back to how they truly are.

I wouldn't waste another moment with him. It's demoralising and won't get any better. A few kind words and a genuine hug isn't asking too much

Sunnytwobridges · 25/10/2022 04:04

Absolutely not. My ex was like this . I stayed with him for about 7 years and it was soul crushing and lonely. I wish I’d left him at the first signs of him being such a cold, vacant shell of a person

BCBird · 25/10/2022 04:23

No. U deserve better. As many people have said,you don't expect that person to be your therapist,they to 'fix' you or find a solution to anything you mention, but some empathy you would expect. An arm.around you,a hug,a ' I'm here to listen' would be good. The person who said their other half said they are frightened of saying the wrong thing,I thought was a good thing to voice. I have been in a position where my then partner was suffering with depression, for 7 months. It was a shock as I did not understand but I listened. It was soul.destroying but the right thing to do because I wanted to be with him and support him. Good luck. I would remove myself from.him,he is not aiding but hindering you. Take care

WrongLife · 25/10/2022 05:48

Currently trying to work out how I divorce a man like this. No idea where to start

UserError012345 · 25/10/2022 06:04

Maybe he felt out his depth and not qualified to deal with the stuff you were talking about. Perhaps saying nothing was better than saying the wrong thing. I don't know what to say when someone tells me something - thank goodness for therapists who trained in trauma responses.
It doesn't mean I don't care but I just don't know how to respond (to the big stuff).

Campervangirl · 25/10/2022 06:21

I hear you op and I'm sad for you.
I've had the worst 2 yrs of my life, a dripping tap of horrible events, I'm the same as you I just keep ploughing through but recent events would have felled other people.
My oh is the same, he's incapable of giving me any support, he tries to say the right things but he's not really present, sneaking looks at his phone, glancing round the room etc.
In his defense he doesn't like / isn't comfortable with deep conversations but I'm crying out for some understanding.
Not sure what the answer is for you or I but I feel you

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 25/10/2022 07:05

My DP can be like this. Fair enough he has Aspergers, but he's not like the usual description on here (cold, unemotional, dislikes touch etc).

Last year we had a specialist midwife visit to speak to me about ptsd from my first birth. I was extremely emotional and was basically a crying snotty mess barely able to get my words out. He was sat next to me on the sofa and not once did he attempt to comfort me or even put his hand out towards me. When she left he got up, made himself a coffee and didn't come back. I mentioned his lack of support later and he never said a word.

I find it difficult to understand why, as someone who thinks hugs solve everything, he couldn't show me any sort of empathy. He knows I don't particularly like hugs but I've noticed he's twice tried to comfort me when I've barely been upset and both times were when my mum was there. It feels like he was faking it and if we'd been alone I don't think he'd have reacted at all. I also sometimes feel like I'm talking to the wall if I speak of something personal, he either completely blanks what I've said or carries on with what he's doing like I'm not there. I hate not being acknowledged by him. I think it reminds me of my mum's attitude to me as a child that I wasn't worth listening to or acknowledging.

My previous relationships have been full of dramatic arguments but I've never argued with my DP so maybe I'm subconsciously just trying to keep the peace by ignoring any wanky behaviour. The relationship is otherwise very good other than occasional issues like the above.

The bloke I was seeing before my DP would be great when I told him something like the OP mentioned above. But if I ever spoke of it again I'd get something along the lines of 'FFS we've been over this before. Why do I need to hear it again? You're like a fucking broken record'. I found that way more soul destroying as it showed me he didn't care at all and I was just an annoyance when things weren't 100% perfect (ie going his way).

iloveeverykindofcat · 25/10/2022 07:09

Some people just can't do it. I don't think its their fault or means they don't care. Often they do care. I'm not great at it, my mother can't do it at all. But she's fantastic at practical support/solution-finding. A lot of it is to do with their own past/trauma. You just have to decide if its a deal-breaker for you.

BeetBoxer · 25/10/2022 07:18

I am in a relationship a bit like this. I accept it because I believe he really does care about me, and is interested in me, but is very bad at surfacing or acting on that. If I know what emotional support I want from him, and tell him, he will generally give it. He is not good at anticipating my needs, though. It is inaptitude, in his case, rather than a total lack of warmth. If I started to think he truly didn't care, that would change things and I'd consider leaving.

xfan · 25/10/2022 08:32

WrongLife · 25/10/2022 05:48

Currently trying to work out how I divorce a man like this. No idea where to start

You can apply for a 'no fault ' divorce, you also don't need their permission to instigate a divorce.

WrongLife · 26/10/2022 07:53

xfan · 25/10/2022 08:32

You can apply for a 'no fault ' divorce, you also don't need their permission to instigate a divorce.

Show quote history

On a theoretical level that's true. But kids and house and money and honestly he's a good person. Just shit with emotional support. I've had the worst 2 weeks of my professional life in the last 2 weeks and he hasn't been there emotionally.