Could you be with somebody incapable of emotional support?

[Silence0000]

I have a fair bit of trauma in my past from childhood onwards and I'm in therapy at the moment to process / work on it.

I'm a proactive person, I try not to dwell on things and keep a positive mindset for the most part but naturally from time to time I may need a little emotional support as per most people going through trauma therapy would.

This evening I shared a frustration with my partner about how one of these things were handled when I was a child, I just wanted to be heard really.. validated and a hug wouldn't have gone amiss.

He knows all about it all already so it wasn't like I was dropping a bombshell.

He didn't even acknowledge what I was saying. Just an awkward silence. No response. I went to bed and just cried.

Are some men just incapable of providing emotional support? Could you be in a relationship like this?

My partner has always been an emotional void. It was always something I buried and pushed down because I loved him, accepting it as “that’s just him”. Over the years I found myself making excuses for him constantly. He has never been a hugger, hand holder, kisser…wouldn’t even sit next to me for a snuggle on the sofa.

I have had 2 emotional breakdowns during our 25 year relationship (linked to stress at work) and he put his arms around me then, mostly because I was a crying heap of a mess. I could tell it didn’t feel natural to him though.

When I told him I was pregnant with our first child after we’d been trying for a year, there was no excitement. It was more like a “Yeah? Oh, ok.”. From his chair. Didn’t even get up. Same for the 2 that followed.

I would hesitate sharing anything with him as he would always come back with a judgment comment - not nastily, but matter of factly. For instance
Me “ Jane fell over at work today really badly! Bent her elbow the other way, in front of the children. It was so awful”
Him “She’s always been clumsy. Bet she wasn’t looking where she was going”
No sympathy. No empathy. Even if it was ME that had broken my elbow.

It’s not malicious, but it’s draining. It grinds you down. It wears away your love. We have 3 children and he is always focusing on the negative. I am the forever dreaming optimist, always seeking a solution and a way to guide them. He is forever pessimistic and will point out their faults, where it’s all going wrong.

After 25 years of this I have no love left. I ended it at the weekend. When the love is there it’s something.you tell yourself you can put up with. Ask yourself, can I spend the next 30 years like this?

I was married to an emotional fridge-freezer for nearly twenty years and it gradually ground me down to nothing. I had to get out.

He would disappear if things got too emotional ie wedding night, bringing new baby home, getting upset. Worse, if my toxic family were being shitty, he would leave me to it and go out for drinks with them. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he said nothing, left and then turned up days later with a letter. It was a random rant about my mother!

I think you can spend a lifetime seeking emotional support from a supposed partner but it doesn't change. They are what they are and perhaps it would be better to decide what sort of partner you would like.

My STBXH didn't even read the leaflets I gave him about my breast cancer. He just chucked them on the side. That was the final straw.

I was with someone like this. Now divorced, thankfully.

I'm so sorry. That's so bloody cold.

I think that you need to be looking at self validation. You've gone to him for validation, you haven't got it, and now you're here looking to get your need for validation externally validated.

All your feelings are valid. Even if everybody had said 'Yes, I'm very happy in my relationship with my non-validating partner', you still would need, in a life where you are responsible for yourself and looking after your own feelings, to be able to say 'Well, I'm not happy with mine!'

Try to always come from the 'I am allowed my feelings' standpoint. 'I'm not happy with my partner's non-validating ways, and I'm allowed to not be happy with that'. Nobody has to allow you; who would have the authority?

It's your life. It's your heart. You're in charge.

Are some men just incapable of providing emotional support?
Some men, and people, find emotions difficult. That’s true. But unless he’s got autism, your partner should have recognised you were upset and done something about it. Now as for the way to respond to emotions, the generalisation is that women are better at talking, men better at showing they care through actions. Fair enough. But to not do anything at all? Either very immature or very selfish.