Started speaking to my ex again and sent myself back to rock bottom… help me out please!

[Lucia9513]

Hi!
I deleted my previous account as my posts from my depressive breakup haze were highly embarrassing… I do wonder if some of you will recognise my story though lol. But I would like to post again with this current situation as mumsnet was such a massive help last time.

So, 2 and a half months ago my ex and I broke up, I was absolutely devastated and not functioning at all for the first month. He told me he had fell out of love with me and was ending things, and I absolutely hit rock bottom. Could not live without him, was so lost. I managed to pick myself back up though - I had to move back in with my mum, before making the decision to move back to the town I lived in with my ex all alone, just so I could keep the job I love and stay in the town I love. After the break up, my ex had blocked me in every way possible - phone number, WhatsApp, social media…. And he actually told me that if I tried to contact him in any way he would report me to the police for harassment. I didn’t do anything to warrant him saying that 😶

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a good place. I was no longer living in pain and misery and crying over him every day. I had been (and still am) seeing a new bloke, although it’s very much a rebound, I still developed feelings for him. However, my ex reached out to me and asked me how I was. For the last couple of weeks we have been talking a lot, constantly messaging all day although we never met up. Talking to him was so nice, and I realised how much I love him and how shit my life is without him. I lost all feelings and interest in the guy I was seeing because I was talking to my ex.

Today however, I decided to message him and tell him how much he hurt me, not just him falling out of love with me, but other things he did in our relationship. I told him I am still struggling with it. In response, he promptly blocked me. I called him from a withheld number (I really shouldn’t have done that, I know) but I just wanted to ask ‘what the fuck?’. He basically said to me how dare I bring up the past, he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore, and again, if I try and contact him again he’ll call the police… lol

Anyway, here I am now. I was doing so well, but then I got attached to him again and remembered how much I love him. And I feel like we have broken up all over again. I know he is crazy, and I know he is no good for me. I know that I was healing before we started speaking again, and I know that I will heal again. But I am just completely losing it tonight. I’ve gone to the pub by myself with my dog as being in the house and was making me climb the walls, I needed to get out. I have no friends or family close enough to me, and I am just having a bad time tonight.

Any words of advice or encouragement for a stupid stupid 27 year old? Thank you xxx

Block him

He was probably after a 'booty call' and wants to think of himself as a 'good guy'.

'Good guys' don't break hearts and leave people devastated.

Don't 'reach out'. Don't respond if he 'reaches out'

Walk the dog or work overtime every time you're tempted

You've done nothing wrong. He has. He didn't like you getting on with your life, so he's playing games. Don't let the POS do this to you a third time. Concentrate on you and your new love x ps, the dog will cheer you up x

I do recognise your story, and it’s nice to read you were healing.

This man is a dick, he is not the love of your life and he enjoys the control he has over you. Block and delete him, right now. Take back control and know that you will feel better again in time.

It really isn’t you.

You live and learn, at least now you know not to get caught in that trap again.

Find another rebound if it helps, this is your life and do what you must to get through.

You will get back to where you were building your live back up, please block him

Youre not stupid. It is so hard when you care for someone. He has shown his true colours twice. Hopefully you have seen his true character now. You deserve much more. He also sounds a bit unhinged!

You are not stupid.
You were building yourself back up and you have had a setback. You’ll get it back again.

Right - you can learn from this, and it will make you stronger.

You know you can start to get past him, and that you can start to feel better on the other side. You've done it once, you can do it again.

You know you can meet other people and start to have fun.

You know he's an arsehole, who is playing games with your feelings. Any inkling of doubt you may have had before, or tiny scrap of affection for him should now be completely gone. He's done you a favour by absolutely confirming he's a dick head.

So... one day at a time. You don't need to heal tonight, or tomorrow, you just need to get through each day in whatever way you can. So well done you for going to the pub with your dog, getting out, taking care of yourself.

Find some shit on TV, treat yourself to some nice food or a bottle of wine, whatever works for you. And concentrate on getting through today.

You can deal with tomorrow when it comes.

You CAN do this.

And he actually told me that if I tried to contact him in any way he would report me to the police for harassment. I didn’t do anything to warrant him saying that 😶

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a good place. I was no longer living in pain and misery and crying over him every day. I had been (and still am) seeing a new bloke, although it’s very much a rebound, I still developed feelings for him. However, my ex reached out to me and asked me how I was.

Any words of advice or encouragement for a stupid stupid 27 year old

Yes.
You are not stupid, & your ex is a controlling, mindfucking, cruel piece of shit.

Great advice here and @Sharming in particular has nailed it.

I have found that a good trick for taking some of the sting out of painful or difficult life experiences is to ask myself: okay - what can I learn from this? How can I make this experience work for me? You now have absolute confirmation that this guy is bad and damaging for you (as a PP said, he actually sounds somewhat unhinged) and that you need to move forward not back. You already know you’ll be fine without him. You will heal and you will be glad he is history. It will just take a bit of time.

I’ve gone to the pub by myself with my dog as being in the house and was making me climb the walls, I needed to get out. I have no friends or family close enough to me, and I am just having a bad time tonight.

Well done. You knew you weren't coping, & found yourself a neat distraction.
Now block the piece of shit, & if he ever manages to contact you again - tell him his contact is unwelcome & if he tries to communicate with you again you will view it as harrassment & report him to the police.

It's ok to have a bad night.
It's ok to have felt derailed & bewildered by your ex's manipulation.
You've got past this before, & you will get past it again.

Give the dog a hug from me - & have one yourself.
Oh, & let me say it again - you are not stupid. Plenty of intelligent women have been fooled & abused by awful b/f's - me amongst them. Stop blaming yourself for HIS shortcomings.

I hardly ever comment on posts but this could have been my ex from 2 years ago!!! His name doesn't start with J by any chance ha!ha!

Also threatened with the police and he was going to report me for harassment and stalking....my crime .....booking a hotel nearby so that I could come from Ireland to collect all my belongings from his flat - which he had held hostage for nearly 6 weeks. He was so abusive and vile it was like he was speaking in tongue's😂I found out after it was probably from guilt as he was cheating on me and didn't want me in the area is case I bumped into him and the OW.

I'll put money on it he left you for someone else. He realised the grass wasn't greener and you were the absolute best he could ever get! Hence why he crawled back out from his lair!

Focus on you, your new man and your beautiful dog, seriously you are better off without this scumbag and worth so much more than him. Sending love and hugs xx

Oh and also - dogs are the perfect accessory to go to the pub with. I can walk into any pub with my dog and instantly have someone to talk to - because doggie people will always say hi to a person with a dog (or say hi to their dog then say hi to the owner!).

My doggie is my therapy - when I feel shit, I take her for a walk, and the sheer pure joy on her face just from running around, or playing with a stick, makes me smile. She never fails to cheer me up.

Block him and end it once and for all.

Any ‘reaching out’ (god I loathe that term) is for the benefit of his ego only, not out of genuine concern for you.

I would stay away from dating others for a while and work on stabilising your life.

That last line wasn’t meant to be offensive, what I mean is get yourself into a good place and solidify your self esteem. 👑💐

You're not stupid, OP. But you are vulnerable. It's easy to hurt people who love you, and he is taking full advantage of that because he is a total shit. As everyone else here is saying -- he is deliberately messing with your head. Also probably thinking he could keep you in the background for sex when he wanted it. Don't let him.

You've done well getting over him once, and you've made a good start going out for a walk with your dog. Onwards and upwards!

he sounds really cruel
he likes it when you hang around like a groupie. you met someone else and he wanted to fuck that up for you
he isn’t a good person and I hope you don’t let him come back again when he tries his shit again when you move on

2 and a half months ago my ex and I broke up, I was absolutely devastated and not functioning at all for the first month. He told me he had fell out of love with me and was ending things

Rather sudden sounding.

And he actually told me that if I tried to contact him in any way he would report me to the police for harassment. I didn’t do anything to warrant him saying that 😶

And rather extreme
.

I think the poster above who says her ex behaved similarly hit the nail on the head with the ow issue.

Men rarely end a relationship without another woman lined up, and his unwarranted very extreme "directions" to you not to contact him in any way sounds like making sure a new woman is not made aware of your presence, and if how very recently you were living together etc.

He also doesn't want to have to deal with any guilt or negativity etc as a result of actually listening to you pain, disappointment, upset etc. He wanted to dump you and extract himself without any inconvenience or being made to feel bad.

From getting back in contact with you, I'd say things didnt quite work out as swimmingly as he thought they would and he thought he'd just check in to see if you're still hooked on his line and he could have you back anytime he wanted. He was hedging his bets.

You weren't, of course, while confirming he could probably have you back if he wanted, allowed to express any hurt, pain, resentment, criticism etc if how he treated you during the relationship or when he ended it. That would make him feel bad, annoy him, inconvenience him so he flounced. No criticism allowed . Only flattering, validating, gratifying ego massage. And awareness/confirmation that you're there as an option for him.

Everyone has blips, everyone has lessons to learn, you are still v young.

I hope that you didn't cut off your new love interest when your ex got back in contact.

You did well to pick yourself up and move on and date etc

You can go back to that.

Your ex treating you like shit doesn't excuse you treating the new guy like shit. You say you are still seeing him - please have enough respect for him to end it. You are clearly not interested and cheating is not OK.

Then find your self respect and keep your bastard ex out of your life. You do not deserve what he is doing to you.

However, my ex reached out to me and asked me how I was.

"I'm good; don't message me or I'll report you to the police for harassment" was the correct response to that c*#t.

However we live and learn.

You are clearly not interested

She says she'd developed feelings for him.

It's hardly incomprehensible that she communicated with a v recent ex who broke her heart and whomshed not really had a chance to have it out with. She did not meet him, have any physical contact with him nor do the messages sound sexual etc

Her bf presumably knows how recent her break up was.

You were looking for closure by talking to him again and unfortunately you are not likely to get that from him. Don't wait for him to unblock you again, hes holding that control over you and its not fair. Don't contact him again, you won't get the answers you are looking for. Stop putting your life on hold for that. You deserve better and you deserve to move on.

@LemonDrop22 she also says she lost all feelings for him as soon as her ex messaged her. Hardly caring much is it? Just cause she didn't meet her ex doesn't mean she wasn't cheating. She was texting the ex all day, thought her life was shit without him and thought she was in love with him. That is clearly an emotional affair and the new guy doesn't deserve that. Would you be OK with someone you were seeing carrying on with their ex like this behind your back? I know I wouldn't. And I bet if the OP were a man nobody would be supporting her treatment of the new guy.

Do the freedom programme

block him on everything even if he has blocked you - you block him

dont ever respond to him again ever