Started speaking to my ex again and sent myself back to rock bottom… help me out please!

[Lucia9513]

Hi!
I deleted my previous account as my posts from my depressive breakup haze were highly embarrassing… I do wonder if some of you will recognise my story though lol. But I would like to post again with this current situation as mumsnet was such a massive help last time.

So, 2 and a half months ago my ex and I broke up, I was absolutely devastated and not functioning at all for the first month. He told me he had fell out of love with me and was ending things, and I absolutely hit rock bottom. Could not live without him, was so lost. I managed to pick myself back up though - I had to move back in with my mum, before making the decision to move back to the town I lived in with my ex all alone, just so I could keep the job I love and stay in the town I love. After the break up, my ex had blocked me in every way possible - phone number, WhatsApp, social media…. And he actually told me that if I tried to contact him in any way he would report me to the police for harassment. I didn’t do anything to warrant him saying that 😶

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a good place. I was no longer living in pain and misery and crying over him every day. I had been (and still am) seeing a new bloke, although it’s very much a rebound, I still developed feelings for him. However, my ex reached out to me and asked me how I was. For the last couple of weeks we have been talking a lot, constantly messaging all day although we never met up. Talking to him was so nice, and I realised how much I love him and how shit my life is without him. I lost all feelings and interest in the guy I was seeing because I was talking to my ex.

Today however, I decided to message him and tell him how much he hurt me, not just him falling out of love with me, but other things he did in our relationship. I told him I am still struggling with it. In response, he promptly blocked me. I called him from a withheld number (I really shouldn’t have done that, I know) but I just wanted to ask ‘what the fuck?’. He basically said to me how dare I bring up the past, he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore, and again, if I try and contact him again he’ll call the police… lol

Anyway, here I am now. I was doing so well, but then I got attached to him again and remembered how much I love him. And I feel like we have broken up all over again. I know he is crazy, and I know he is no good for me. I know that I was healing before we started speaking again, and I know that I will heal again. But I am just completely losing it tonight. I’ve gone to the pub by myself with my dog as being in the house and was making me climb the walls, I needed to get out. I have no friends or family close enough to me, and I am just having a bad time tonight.

Any words of advice or encouragement for a stupid stupid 27 year old? Thank you xxx

You are so right with that, how I wish that is what I had said 🤦🏻‍♀️ Funny thing is I joked with my friends about saying that, but sadly did not hahah

@LemonDrop22 exactly haha, I am not exclusive with the new guy and nor is it serious. He knows my situation, it’s just fun and it’s nice. There was nothing wrong with me talking to my ex and there’s nothing wrong with the way I feel right now

Stay away, you know why you are feeling sad, so simple solution get rid of the dead weight. X

Please be kind to yourself. My partner called me up a week.after my mom's funeral my mom's funeral.to tell me had fallen.in love with someone else
Shell shocked would describe my reaction. I was actually nice to the arsehole in between the tears BUT once the initial shock had gone I vowed i would not give him.any of my time. I cried every day for two weeks. When he had the nerve to contact me out of the blue to tell me he was leaving the country and could I return his key I thought, silence will be my weapon. I did not reply. It felt good. Please break all ties with this ass hole. Look after yourself

@user1471457751 the new guy I’ve been seeing knows all about my situation, we are not exclusive, he is not my boyfriend. He’s a guy a go on dates with and spend nights with, and we have a nice time. He only recently came out of a relationship himself, and we’re both on the same page with regards to just having fun and enjoying each others company. Me speaking to my ex is not cheating or messing with his feelings

Well great then, if you've been upfront with the new guy with everything you've said here then continue having fun with him.
And just stop giving your scummy ex any more chances.

@Gingernaut @Stars71 @YoSofi @JoanCandy
@Isittrueornot @Darbs76
@JamSandle
@Sharming
@KettrickenSmiled
@Dery
@Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin
@Closetbeanmuncher
@Ofcourseshecan
@Gevrgrgrtv
@LemonDrop22
@disneydatknee
@ThingsIhavelearnt
@allboysherebutme
@BCBird

Thought I would tag you all in one post because there was a lot of you to say thank you too, and I really appreciate you all reading my ramble!
I had a very bad night and still feel awful today, had a cry this morning and I am trying to get my day started. It’s my day off work and I have no plans, so feeling a bit flat.

I am coming to realise that my ex has issues, it isn’t normal behaviour how he handled our break up originally, nor is it normal to block me because I brought up the past and then threaten me with the police simply for existing pretty much. What bothers me most is that he seems to think that I’m the unhinged one, but I’m struggling to see what I’ve done wrong.

I agree that he probably ended our relationship over another woman, or if not then he was really wanting to meet new people and find greener grass. It clearly didn’t work out for him and that’s why he reached out to me because he is lonely.

I think it hurts a lot right now because even though I was healing and not thinking about him anymore, I have still been pretty down after the move and have felt very lonely. I missed our chats, and being with him I was so happy and content in life. And it’s like all the wounds have been reopened and I’ve got to heal again from the beginning. Still no answers, and I’ve been treated like shit all over again. I feel stupid and I’m angry at myself.

I hate to wish my life away, but I am wishing it away right now because I need the time to pass until I feel okay again xxx

What bothers me most is that he seems to think that I’m the unhinged one, but I’m struggling to see what I’ve done wrong.
Oh sweetheart, put this out of your mind.
He doesn't think you are the unhinged one. He is just following The Angry & Controlling Man's Script, which is to demonise you as part of the narc abuse cycle (Idealise / Devalue / Discard) & DARVO you for his own shit.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

I hate to wish my life away, but I am wishing it away right now because I need the time to pass until I feel okay again xxx
Listen up my dear.
That time is going to pass whether you wish it away or not.
So there's no need to waste your day off wishing it would pass & feeling flat cos you had no plan.
Make a plan. A tiny one! Really little goals, like "at X oclock I'm going to go & have a proper coffee in town" or "after lunch I'm going to those lovely woods for an hour's walk". Just short term enjoyable things that will help prevent you from beating yourself up over somebody else's mindfuckery.

Medium term - I can't recall if this had been recommended yet, but I want you to order it, & for the next few weeks, treat it as your personal bible -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO
No need to run at it all at once, especially as once you start learning about The Script & the corrosive, recognisable pattern of behaviours that ALL men of this ilk perform, you will start to 'see' your ex in the pages & may want to take time out to deal with feeling triggered.
But knowledge is power, & the knowledge in this book is dynamite.

Once you have seen it, & learned to pattern-spot, you will never unsee it.
This, & enrollment of The Freedom Programme, will keep you safe from gameplaying controllers like your fuckwit ex.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
You can even take the course online.
Pretty perfect scheme for passing the time until you start to feel better again, no? PLUS - you will feel better a LOT quicker by reading about how common the type of abuse you have been subjected to is, how it is ONLY the fault of the perpetrator, & how victim/survivors protect themselves going forward.

I'm with somebody, as friends. We went too fast as a relationship, so we have decided to see how it goes by going out and sex, when we want it. I learnt a lot about him, first time round and won't be lowering my guard again. I realise I don't even want a fully blown relationship now. It's working for us. In your case OP, he's just an unhinged space waster. You will see that in a few months' time, when he has the nerve to try and make contact.

In CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy we are usually asked about our childhood experiences.

Did you have anyone in your family, maybe your father who had similar behaviour patterns to your ex-bf?

We often look for similar or opposite qualities to our Dads and men look for similar qualities in their GFs & wives to their Mothers.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you so much, the DARVO article really resonated with me. I’ve also ordered a hard copy of the book that you linked, I’ve been telling myself for ages that I am going to start reading instead of numbing my brain with Netflix every night, so maybe reading that book is the perfect place to start.

I suppose all I have wanted for him since we broke up is for him to reach out and say to me ‘do you know what? I was the problem, I treated you badly and I’m sorry’ - or something along those lines. But at the end of the day, how often does an emotionally abusive narc of a man ever do that? Probably never. It’s just closure I will never get, either he truly thinks I am the unhinged one or he is just trying to convince me that I am. Either way, it’s not my problem. Just got to let it gooooo, and I hope I will soon.

I will also be having a look at the freedom programme, but I might save that for another day as I have blown my mind enough for one day with a lot to think about lol.

Today I’ve taken my dog on a 2 hour walk and sat by the lake with a coffee, definitely looked crazy while walking and crying, but who cares. My plans for the rest of the day involve relaxing, ordering a Chinese and drinking some gin (but I’ll wait until 5pm for that lol). May even treat myself to putting the heating on 👀

Thanks for all your help. I think it’s easy to think that you are the only one in the world struggling/hurting/feeling like shit over certain things, when the reality is that most people have dealt with the same things, and some are also currently dealing with them

@Successgirl2022 that is something I have thought about a lot to be honest. In my family we have no relationship success stories. My mum and dad married very young and had me very young, they split when I was 2 due to his controlling ways and emotional abuse. My dad was very inconsistent when I was growing up, one minute I’d be so loved and spoilt and the next minute he’d be gone and not caring. We have a great relationship now that I’m an adult, I suppose it’s because I’m not a child that he needs to look after anymore. He does still drunk message my mum now 25 years after the divorce telling her he loves her lol. My other close family members like my aunties have had one or two divorces and terrible partners and relationships. I am definitely oversharing here lol, but it is actually interesting to me and does make me wonder if I’m now in a self fulfilling prophecy of doomed relationships with awful men because they’re the only relationship role models I’ve ever had??? Not really sure what I can do about that though haha

I suppose all I have wanted for him since we broke up is for him to reach out and say to me ‘do you know what? I was the problem, I treated you badly and I’m sorry’ - or something along those lines. But at the end of the day, how often does an emotionally abusive narc of a man ever do that? Probably never. It’s just closure I will never get, either he truly thinks I am the unhinged one or he is just trying to convince me that I am. Either way, it’s not my problem. Just got to let it gooooo, and I hope I will soon.
Really, really big congrats on working this one out so quickly.
Victims of narcs have a pervasive problem with this issue. Having been gaslit, suppressed, our feelings denied or ridiculed, we can get left with an overwhelming need to finally be 'heard', to hear some validation of our experience, to have the perpetrator admit what they did.
You are right - it doesn't happen.
There is no magical, film-worthy 'closure'.
DARVO explains so much doesn't it?

btw - nothing wrong with a bit of mindnumbing Netflix when you want to power down & switch off Take it all at your own pace.

Today I’ve taken my dog on a 2 hour walk and sat by the lake with a coffee, definitely looked crazy while walking and crying, but who cares. My plans for the rest of the day involve relaxing, ordering a Chinese and drinking some gin (but I’ll wait until 5pm for that lol). May even treat myself to putting the heating on
I just love this update so much. Also, expressing emotion outdoors can be WAY more freeing than hiding it away inside. Psychology innit, & the movement helps.

I am definitely oversharing here lol, but it is actually interesting to me and does make me wonder if I’m now in a self fulfilling prophecy of doomed relationships with awful men because they’re the only relationship role models I’ve ever had???
Get outta here!
Your relationships - all of them. not just romantic - are only going to get better & better.
You will have The Freedom Programme & Lundy Bancroft to thank for that.

does make me wonder if I’m now in a self fulfilling prophecy of doomed relationships with awful men because they’re the only relationship role models I’ve ever had??? Not really sure what I can do about that though

You're smart enough to see where your family members' relationships have gone wrong, and you've already realised what went wrong with your ex (he's a narcissistic shit) and why you fell for it when he contacted you again.

You're not doomed to repeat these mistakes, because you can see clearly what went wrong. I know it still hurts, but you are working your way through strongly. Well done!