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Original poster

Help with suspected affair - phones

34 replies

Liviadrusilla25 · 23/10/2022 23:34

By way of background I have been happily married for 16 years and have two children. Our marriage has always been full of love and we have generally been really close and had a good sex life.. I’m 46 and about 12 months ago I started having some peri menopause symptoms, brain fog, loss of libido and terrible PMT. I have been to see the gp and got some HRT patches and felt much better, but my libido never really came back properly..my husband has really complained about this, sometimes nicely, sometimes not nicely and has made a few hurtful comments about this being the worst year in our marriage etc. I have gone back quite hard on this, saying I have a medical problem and you need to support me. Anyway it’s undeniable that a lot of intimacy has gone at the moment. Anyway I’m posting tonight because three times in the last month I have been woken middle of the night by the light going on on my husbands phone and I’ve just lay there and watched him. He has very quick text messages with someone.. twice these episodes have lasted about 10 mins. He guards his phone a bit but I have managed to have a look and there is no record of these messages a few days later. I have looked for other messaging apps and he doesn’t seem to have any. Last week we were on holiday and my husband got up at 2am and went to the toilet with his phone. Came back 5 mins later. Read the paper on his phone for ten minutes and then messages started. I lay there and watched and saw that someone sent him a link on twitter and that it was from my son’s tennis club. He opened it and looked at it and then carried on messaging. At 4am I got up and put the aircon on at which point he took his phone to the toilet again and came back five minutes later. The messaging stopped. The next day he showed me the photo on twitter and I said to him, ‘who sent you that?’ He said he found it on twitter himself and he likes going on twitter now. He hates all social media and never goes on any. I looked at his phone again and I couldn’t find any messages, any photos or anything incriminating at all. He is a clever and I want evidence before I say anything. Can anyone give me any advice about what to look for on a phone apart from looking for telegram/ signal and scrolling through WhatsApp’s that are obviously being deleted??? I am cold with fury and my kids do not deserve this. I have supported this man through thick and thin.

OP posts:
9HrsSleep · 23/10/2022 23:40

Instead of laying in bed watching him text at 2am, wondering who he's texting... ask him who he's texting.

ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 23:43

Here's the thing, if you have lost trust, then you have lost trust. My marriage was basically sexless until I hit about 48, just in time for my performance to drop off. I still never texted women or thought about cheating. If you have a gut feeling, there's something going on, even if it's just the distance created by his lack of support. You can't live like that. Tell him you need to see a marriage therapist or it's over. A therapist will help explore your suspicions and get to the bottom of them.

Lucysfriend · 23/10/2022 23:56

I have asked myself why I haven’t done this exact thing. It’s like I’m mesmerised or floating above the bed watching this happen to someone else. I can’t believe it’s happening. It’s obviously an affair he so shifty when he’s doing it. I checked if anyone from work texted him at that time and they haven’t

Catlover1970 · 24/10/2022 04:58

I wouldn’t be just lying there while he is texting in the middle of the night! I’d be blowing it wide open!!

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 04:59

Lucysfriend · 23/10/2022 23:56

I have asked myself why I haven’t done this exact thing. It’s like I’m mesmerised or floating above the bed watching this happen to someone else. I can’t believe it’s happening. It’s obviously an affair he so shifty when he’s doing it. I checked if anyone from work texted him at that time and they haven’t

If he's lying in bed next to you, texting her, that's pretty brazen.

isthismylifenow · 24/10/2022 05:31

Next time this happens, ask to see the phone during the text conversation. His reaction will tell you a lot.

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 05:33

isthismylifenow · 24/10/2022 05:31

Next time this happens, ask to see the phone during the text conversation. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Exactly. Just say, who are you talking to and lean to look over.

pinkolu · 24/10/2022 05:38

Do you know they're actual messages or could it be notifications from another app? My phone gets notifications from insta/Twitter/Facebook all the time overnight. I'll wake up with 5-10 notifications every morning but if I can't sleep I'm guilty of a bit of scrolling and would possibly take my phone to the bathroom.

It's possible my DP would see my phone light up but if he looked the next day there would be no text or WhatsApp

Would also mean the part about your sons tennis club link on Twitter could be true

pinkolu · 24/10/2022 05:40

However if he is having an affair does that mean it's from someone at the tennis club your son goes to or one of the mums?

Worriedpartner1234 · 24/10/2022 12:25

I’d say unlikely to be messaging someone in bed right next to you? That would be foolish and too risky. Next time you notice it, ask to see his phone. His reaction will tell you all that you need to know.

girlmom21 · 24/10/2022 12:38

Is he turning the screen away so you can see what he's doing but not the content? I'd ask him while he's doing it too.

catneedsfeeding · 24/10/2022 12:38

What was the photo of that he showed you?

Lucysfriend · 24/10/2022 13:57

The photo was of my son with his friends at his tennis club. it was put on twitter by the club...two of the times he has turned the phone away and literally hung over the side of the bed to text. The last time he was just lying in bed doing it. He obviously thinks I'm fast asleep. In fact he keeps mentioning how well I am sleeping at the moment. Im lying there peeping through nearly shut eyes. It's totally bizarre.

Lucysfriend · 24/10/2022 13:59

I am not sure how to say who are you talking to as I have been lying there quietly and watching for a while. Do i have to fake waking up? He will then just put the phone down very quickly i think? Then I won't be able to ask?

KettrickenSmiled · 24/10/2022 14:03

Lucysfriend · 24/10/2022 13:59

I am not sure how to say who are you talking to as I have been lying there quietly and watching for a while. Do i have to fake waking up? He will then just put the phone down very quickly i think? Then I won't be able to ask?

Are you scared of your husband OP?

Is there any reason you need to be the one tiptoeing your way around this behaviour?
It is dodgy AF. You don't need "proof" - you know what he's up to. He is conducting - or at least planning - an affair.

I am sorry he has been so unsupportive about your peri-meno.
Outside of that - what was his attitude to sex? Were you always on the same page, or did you feel the need to 'comply' to keep him from punishing you with sulking?

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 24/10/2022 14:22

He is clearly up to something. Have you looked for KIK on his phone? A messaging app. It might not be an icon you can actually see, you can hide apps and your husband sounds like he is good at covering his tracks.

Also, for the PP who said it would be too risky to message someone while you're laying in bed next to your partner.... believe me when i say, that's not true. You wouldn't believe the risks some people take.

toastedcat · 24/10/2022 15:10

Have you checked "archived" messages on WhatsApp?

catneedsfeeding · 24/10/2022 15:25

Check battery usage. He might be using Facebook messenger with secret conversations switched on. The conversations can be set to automatically delete within minutes.
Sorry you're having to go through this at a time when you need support x

catneedsfeeding · 24/10/2022 15:27

Lucysfriend · 24/10/2022 13:57

The photo was of my son with his friends at his tennis club. it was put on twitter by the club...two of the times he has turned the phone away and literally hung over the side of the bed to text. The last time he was just lying in bed doing it. He obviously thinks I'm fast asleep. In fact he keeps mentioning how well I am sleeping at the moment. Im lying there peeping through nearly shut eyes. It's totally bizarre.

So maybe a mum of one of your son's friends? Or maybe someone connected with the running of the club?

BankseyVest · 24/10/2022 15:39

I understand your need to find proof, I was like this, took two weeks of me acting like a completely loon, but I got it.

As others have said, if he's texting and you see him, ask to see his phone. His reaction will tell you all you need to know

catneedsfeeding · 24/10/2022 16:06

If he's clever then if you ask him who he's texting and it is an inappropriate relationship, he's not going to give it away.
As part of the 'thrill', two people engaged in this sort of illicit behaviour can very quickly come to an agreement to have a 'system', e.g. they keep the messaging 'normal' all the time there's a risk of being found out, but start a message with a 'code' to say it's all clear. Or they'll agree to delete any incriminating messages and keep everyday messages in place in case they need to show their other halves.
As bizarre as it sounds, it's part of the 'game' for them.
It could also explain the brazen texting in bed. It's increasing the 'thrill'. They might be more excited knowing their other halves are next to them in bed.
It's disgusting but I know that this type of game-playing, and worse, goes on.

MarigoldMoonStone · 24/10/2022 16:15

pinkolu · 24/10/2022 05:38

Do you know they're actual messages or could it be notifications from another app? My phone gets notifications from insta/Twitter/Facebook all the time overnight. I'll wake up with 5-10 notifications every morning but if I can't sleep I'm guilty of a bit of scrolling and would possibly take my phone to the bathroom.

It's possible my DP would see my phone light up but if he looked the next day there would be no text or WhatsApp

Would also mean the part about your sons tennis club link on Twitter could be true

This! Definitely worth considering!
And if he is new to social media he is probably well into at the moment.

You really need to be up front and ask him, his reaction will make it clear. Say you’re feeling a bit insecure as you know he is disappointed with your sex life at the moment and now he is spending more time on his phone, ask for reassurance and if he can’t give it to you then something is up!

SendHelp999 · 24/10/2022 20:15

Check his battery usege and archived
Messages in WhatsApp. And any deleted photos. And also the WhatsApp photo folder

Lucysfriend · 24/10/2022 23:37

Thank you so much for all the suggestions. What does checking battery usage tell you?

Youngatheart00 · 24/10/2022 23:41

@Lucysfriend it will tell you the name of any apps that are consuming battery - if he’s using a messaging app it will likely appear high up

Sorry you’re going through this. How is your relationship generally?

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