Husband stonewalls me

[Newbie321ace]

I don’t know where to go from here. I love my husband and we’ve been together almost 14 years, married for 8. My issue (recurring issue) is that if we have an argument, he doesn't argue healthily and I feel like it's really, really affecting me. We occasionally argue (which often involves him blaming me for the argument, or causing me argumentative, or calling me 'mad' or 'crazy'). The issue his he with then stonewall and ignore me afterwards.
He doesn’t ignore me completely but withholds affection, contact, won't make eye contact, and if he says something it’s in a stern voice. This might be for a day or two - always overnight at least, and sometimes for a week. For instance he " might" be going away for work this week, but he won't tell me the details - when / if it's certain or not / etc, etc.
I want us to talk to someone to hear each others' point of view, but he seems to think I need to go to see someone on my own. I used to get much more upset about all of this, but recently I have suddenly realised that it's not me - it's him. Yes, it's not ideal to argue, but the odd argument isn't the end of the world. Don't other couples argue and make up again? We argue and I'm left feeling like it's all my fault for having a different point of view about something. He will say things like "Shush" and "Calm down" and other patronising things - I think he just doesn't understand that those things completely annoy and frustrate me.

Just do the same back OP see what happens.

Sounds boring he is king of the world and you let him think that.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole and it sounds like you’re just rolling over and taking it. You don’t have to continue doing that unless you want to - and it doesn’t sound like you do want to.

Simply stop arguing with him. If you do get into an argument, like the pp said, treat him like he treats you... walk away and ignore him.

It takes two to argue so it can’t just be you.
If my dh stonewalled me I wouldn’t stay with him.
It’s so unhealthy.

Next time he tries to blame you for the argument or tells you to calm down answer with
I don’t accept your point of view and if you give me the cold shoulder for standing my ground then you obviously think you are punishing me. You’re not though, I’m very glad of the peace and quiet for a few days.
And I still think we have things to discuss and I’m happy to do so when you yourself are calm.

Throw it back into his court every time.

I could've written this. My husband reacts very similarly tbh. In early years of our marriage (now 5 years) i would be in the doghouse for 2 or 3 days, no contact at all. I would cry all the time, literally take a sick day from work or wfh just to be in privacy. We'd eventually reconcile but not without another heated discussion.

We then had a massive spat which completely altered our relationship dynamic, and I almost called quits. But I persevered and thankfully we are in a much better place. But that time made me so upset that my mind went numb and even now after an argument I get the same numb feeling after trying to defend my corner. We go to sleep and next day one of us will text an apology and we discuss over WhatsApp which helps control the emotional side of it.

I can't describe in full here what I'm trying to say but I hope you get the gist. Please ask me if you have any more questions x

Therapy for you sounds like a good idea. Work with them to understand why you love (or think you love) someone who treats you so poorly.

You realise that adult romantic love is optional and conditional right?

Thank you for all the support - it does help to feel less alone with all of this. I should add that we have a young son. Otherwise I'd be making a much more straightforward choice.

A lot of guys are not emotionally healthy. This is patriarchy. I suggest trying to get him to go to therapy. If you feel strongly about it, tell him it's a deal breaker if he won't go

Could you not get him to move in with his mummy when a sulk is coming, he can get it out of his system and move back in with you when he feels like behaving like an adult again?

Same here except DH won't speak for months. If I try to talk, it's shot down almost immediately. My girls are 2 and almost 1 so want it to stop.
Refuses therapy, completely says no.
If I ask to talk he says I'm bullying him into talking. Also will shout at me saying I'm forcing him to talk. Have even asked if we can set a time to talk and he refuses to give me a date/time. How horrible to feel o need an appointment to speak to my husband.
Had a traumatic birth with my 2nd DC and he keeps saying that it's in the past and I need to move on and not be down or traumatised with feelings and emotions surrounding this. Not a support.
Will talk about small things to do with the girls but unwilling to talk about our argument (always trivial matter).
Due back from mat leave in a few months.
Wish I didn't feel like this and wish he would talk so I know how you feel.
Will follow this thread for any advice too.

He does it to shut you up, OP. He carries on doing it because it works. You even have a PP telling you to 'stop arguing with him' to stop him doing this. 🙄

Look, if you want to stay in this relationship then he has to stop being rewarded by your docility and your trying to fix things when it is not yours to fix. Also - just stop with the delusion that if only he heard how unfair/upsetting it is from a third party during relationship counselling that he would be smitten with remorse and stop bullying you. No. He knows exactly what he is doing and he enjoys doing it to you. It is working for him.

You need to get ballistically angry with him. Not upset. You need to be RAGING. You need to aim that this will stop because you are no longer going to tolerate it.

What can you do? - have a good think about it. Maybe you can pop DC in the car and go and stay at your parents/friends house for a few days. Every time this happens. Maybe if he goes away without telling you, you will simply not be there when he gets back, whenever that is. Every time. Maybe you should arrange a party when he is sulking. Every time.

Maybe you need to tell him that if he continues to behave in this way you will be seeking a divorce. I don't know. You know your circumstances. I do know that if you can find your anger you will be able to draw your line in the sand and tell him that he is not ever to cross it again.

If you cannot find it in you to stop him - and you can you know, you are a grown adult woman and you do not have to tolerate toddler antics - then you need to invest in some therapy for yourself. It would be hugely liberating for you.

Hi OP. Are you actually consider leaving or are you asking how to live as you are? I’m with a partner I love but he has similar subtle/not so subtle ways of arguing that just aren’t “fighting fair”. I recently realised it’s controlling behaviour (ie he does things on purpose to make me react a certain way rather than, as I thought, is copying bad behaviour he learnt from his parents as a child), and bought the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy. Another MNer recommended it. It’s really illuminating and helpful.

Your partner is obviously doing this to control you—it sounds like he is punishing you for questioning him. The book explains this isn’t coming from insecurity—which is what people commonly think—but from arrogance. Your world is his, to his mind (perhaps), and so anything you say to question it is wrong. I haven’t read the part of the book yet about attempting to fix control issues (the book does say “it’s easy to say LTB but for some it’s hard to leave because of love or dependence so here are some things that CAN help”) but I find leaving the house in a calm way cools things — ie if you’re not around he can’t stonewall you. But also, think of him like a child and don’t give attention to bad behaviour. Respond calmly to everything. And in terms of the arguments — I don’t know what you’re arguing about, but if it’s something you can do anyway without asking him, then just do it. Especially if it’s a family thing! It’s your family, your house, your decision. After all, that seems to be how he feels.

Good luck. There are lovely things about my partner but at times it’s hard to live with this. I sometimes feel like I’m dreaming to imagine it would be different with another partner, and think the alternative is living alone — without the patriarchy, as another poster mentioned!

Also, I think @Haffiana’s post is great!

The fact that you have a son should make this a much easier choice, honestly. The environment he is being brought up in is absolutely dreadful. Your husband is horribly abusive, and your son will think this is normal in a relationship. There is nothing normal about it.

Think of your child and end this.

Agree with Aquamarine. Having a young son there to grow up witnessing this behavior is all the MORE reason to end it now. Staying is more damaging to him IMO. If you allow this, your son is likely to have a messed up view of relationships and will emulate one of you. He will either be the abusive one who stonewalls his partner or he will allow his partner to treat him that way and just accept it as you have (if you don't take the initiative now to change it).

Thank you for all of the support. @Haffiana your post is really useful and supportive, and practical. I find it so hard to live with someone that can behave like this. I feel like I'm loosing my trust in him - or knowing which parts of him are genuine. I feel like he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from when I explain why all of this matters to me - either he doesn't understand or he doesn't care, neither of which are good situations. I often find myself looking at other families/couples and think is everyone like this? I feel like I''m starting to loose a grip on what's normal.

@Haffiana I have actually become really angry about this in the recent past, but I've found the trouble with that is that I'm just portrayed as mad or a lunatic - he doesn't react to my emotions on very many levels to be honest.

I do get your point, but it's not as easy as that, is it? I want my son to grow up with two parents who love and respect each other - I was us to be able to fix it, but I don't know how. I honestly feel like my heart is breaking over all of this.

You can’t fix him

you can only fix you

To put things in context, he has returned. I've tried to ignore him, waiting for him to come to me, but he doesn't. When I asked him about it, I got quite upset (I can't help it) - I ask why he went without saying goodbye, or why he wouldn't phone me the whole time he was away and he just gets so defensive - he muttered "f*ck off" and left the room.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to find a good therapist, or other professional support, I'd be so grateful.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Make a better choice now for you and your child. Teach your son that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

Do not continue to show your son this abusive relationship example because he’s seeing that at first hand too. Your son is not growing up with two parents who love each other, he is growing up with an abusive father who treats you as his mother with the utmost disdain and contempt.

You need to contact Womens Aid. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

it would also be worth your while talking to a Solicitor about separation and divorce as knowledge is power.

It's a form of manipulation and control OP . You can't fix it. but you can walk and you can protect your son. Yes, in an ideal world, we'd all be in loving, respectful relationships, but you're not. He won't change. I had an ex who used to do this - punish me by withdrawing completely. Teach me a lesson.

My mother also used to do it to us - it's hugely damaging to grow up in that environment.

I do get your point, but it's not as easy as that, is it? I want my son to grow up with two parents who love and respect each other - I was us to be able to fix it, but I don't know how. I honestly feel like my heart is breaking over all of this.

It is as easy as that. I understand where you are coming from but your husband doesn't love you and his behavior is abusive. And I know this hurts, because I've been there. You cannot fix him. Therapy will not fix him. He will not change. Any agreement from him to go to therapy would only likely be to manipulate you if you are actually thinking of leaving, but he will still treat you the same.

I was married to a man who treated me the same as you are being treated. We did try therapy as a couple. It did nothing and eventually we ended up having therapy separately and he ended up using his private sessions and spinning them as a way to come home and accuse me of emasculated him etc and thereby justifying his behavior (I don't believe for one minute the counselor was feeding this because it was the same counselor we saw together and when we were both in the sessions the therapist could see quite clearly my ex was the issue). Pretty sure my ex was lying to our therapist or lying about what the therapist said to him privately.

You cannot fix someone who doesn't think there is anything wrong with how they treat you. And he treats you with contempt. I'm sorry OP, neither you or your son will benefit from this situation.

You want your son to grow up NOT seeing this behaviour in a relationship OP.

My exh was like this.

My DD is the happiest girl on the planet. 2 happy parents that adore her. We split when she was 1.